


made to love you // ushijima wakatoshi x reader

by justpeqchykeen



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Car Accidents, F/M, Injury, Protective Ushijima Wakatoshi, Reader-Insert, Reader-Interactive, Slow Burn, Volleyball
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:41:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 93,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27203995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justpeqchykeen/pseuds/justpeqchykeen
Summary: You're the setter for Nekoma's girl volleyball team and the twin sister of Kenma. The two of you are extremely close, to the point where people think you have the ability to speak telepathically. You're an incredibly talented setter, and you've become invaluable to the team. You know you're going to get them to Nationals this year.But everything changes when tragedy strikes, and your life is permanently impacted. With the loss, you wonder how you'll ever be able to go on. For awhile, it seems completely hopeless.Then, a certain Shiratorizawa ace enters your life, due to a mutual friend. He's certainly not the most open or friendly, but he seems to understand in a way no one else does. He's good to talk to, and sometimes he looks at you in a way that makes your stomach flutter. Will you be able to move on, after losing the thing that meant the most to you? And what could you gain in the process?- I do not own Haikyuu or any of the characters! -
Relationships: Kozume Kenma & Reader, Ushijima Wakatoshi/Reader
Comments: 50
Kudos: 258





	1. one

Walking into school this morning, you couldn't help but feel excitement run through your veins. _You'd get to play volleyball today._ Technically, you played almost every day, and yet this feeling never went away. This sport just brought out a side of you that otherwise wouldn't exist, and you were eternally grateful for that. You loved everything about it; the tension, the maneuvers, the facing something new with every team you went against. There was always something different, some way to get better.

You felt like you were made to play volleyball. As if it were the reason you were put on this Earth, to play this amazing sport. Yeah, maybe that was incredibly cheesy and psycho to feel that way about a _sport_ , but you couldn't help it. It made you feel everything, and it was a break from all the things in your life you'd rather avoid. Nothing could compare to the exhilaration you got every time one of your sets earned a point, or when-

"Y/n!" The shouting of your name from across the courtyard broke you out of your thoughts, and you turned towards the voice. You weren't surprised to see none other than Tetsuro Kuroo grinning at you as he ran over, "There you are. I was looking for you. Where's Kenma?"

You rolled your eyes, "Where do you think?" You gestured over your shoulder, where your twin sat at a bench, eyes glued to his game. Kuroo scoffed, sharing your frustrations over Kenma spending his life checked out of reality. You loved your brother, but he had a problem.

"Doesn't he get tired of it? I mean, how fun can it be playing games 24/7?"

You didn't want to justify Kenma's gaming addiction, but you couldn't help the words that came out of your mouth, "Well, what about volleyball? Don't you want to play it all the time?"

His face twisted into confusion, clearly processing your words. Then he shook his head, "Well, that's... different."

Not the best comeback, especially from a self-proclaimed genius. You shrugged, "Not to him."

Kuroo frowned, upset that his opinion wasn't considered right in this situation. Any time when Kuroo was 'wrong' was a time he did not want to endure. You continued your trek into the school, the boy's volleyball captain following behind.

"Well, aside from Kenma's problem, how are things? How's the girl's team doing?" He asked you, leaning against the wall as you dug into your bag to make sure you had everything you needed.

"Things are fine." You replied, focused on the task at hand, "The girl's team is doing good. We're really improving lately. I'm hopeful for the preliminaries."

"You're good as hell at what you do, kiddo." Kuroo ruffled your hair, "I wouldn't be surprised if your team went to Nationals too."

You looked up at him, smoothing your hair back down. "Too?"

He rolled his eyes, the corner of his mouth turning up in a cocky smile, "Well, the boy's team will be there, too. Of course."

"Of course." You laughed lightly, shaking your head.

Kuroo chuckled, before beginning a rant about this new thing he'd learned in Chemistry. You tried your best to pay attention, but you were definitely not someone who was into science. Besides, your mind was a flutter of activity right now. Nationals. Could you do it? Could your team make it there?

It wasn't exactly an easy thing to achieve, but you were hopeful. You felt like you could do anything, and that made all the difference. You could do it, you knew you could.   
  
  


___________________  
  
  


Practice that day was uneventful, pretty much just a few hours of you making sure your sets were good, no matter who received them. Volleyball was a team sport, which meant if you couldn't work with your teammates then you were doomed. Your team played a few practice sets with each other, ones which your side won nearly every single time. It did wonders on your ego, and by the time you headed to the locker rooms for a shower, you felt like you could fly. Your team got better every day, and you all had such a strong bond with each other that you barely needed to talk in order to know what the play was going to be.

You were going to make it to Nationals, you could feel it in your bones.

After getting cleaned up, you sat on the stairs outside of the gym, waiting for your brother. The boys' practice always went on longer than the girls', because those idiots didn't know what 'rest' was. Which was dumb, because resting was just as important as practicing. You loved volleyball more than anything, but even you accepted that there was only so much you could do. Rest was especially important now, with the Interhigh preliminaries only a couple weeks away. If you overworked yourself now, it could be devastating for the team.

As you sat there, staring up at the night sky, a buzzing in your pocket broke you out of your thoughts. You tried to ignore it, wanting to keep enjoying the peace you felt in this moment, but it wouldn't stop. Finally, you let out an annoyed sigh and pulled your phone out. You had a few emails about different things, a missed call from your Mom, and an offer for free curry buns with the purchase of two other items at a local restaurant. But what really caught your attention was the number of texts coming in from a group chat you'd been put in.

The **_idiot captains and their bffs (+ y/n)_** chat.

Why you were in this chat, you had no idea. You weren't a captain, and as far as you knew you weren't a captain's best friend. The best thing you could come up with was that the people in there just liked you, and let you stay. It was stupid, but you'd made some good friends through this, so you couldn't really complain. You unlocked your phone and pulled up the chat, beginning to scroll through the messages.

**_bokuto:_ **

**_HEY HEY HEY!! anyone wanna come get dinner tonight?? my treat!_ **  
  
  


**_suga:_ **

**_Where?_ **  
  
  


**_akaashi:_ **

**_My guess is that he wants to try that new place that just opened up. The one with the koi fish painted on the outside._ **  
  
  


**_bokuto:_ **

**_you know me so well :')_ **  
  
  


**_oikawa:_ **

**_i've been wanting to go there! we should go, iwa-chan!_ **  
  
  


**_iwaizumi:_ **

**_Whatever. If it's free food I'm there._ **  
  
  


**_daichi:_ **

**_Kageyama and Hinata are refusing to call it a night, so I have to make sure they leave before I can go. I'll try to make it, though!_ **  
  
  


**_suga:_ **

**_I'll help Daichi and we'll come together._ **  
  
  


**_kuroo:_ **

**_i can go, but kenma is refusing. he says he's going to go home and finish his game. y/n, knock some sense into him_ **  
  
  


**_bokuto:_ **

**_Y/N-SAN!! YOU HAVE TO COME!!! AND CONVINCE YOUR BROTHER TOO!_ **  
  
  


**_kenma:_ **

**_I am my own person, you know. I make my own choices._ **  
  
  


**_you:_ **

**_yeah, dumb choices._ **  
  
  


**_you:_ **

**_don't worry, guys. we'll be there._ **  
  
  


**_bokuto:_ **

**_YES!!!!!_ **  
  
  


**_oikawa:_ **

**_i'm excited to see you, y/n-chan!!_ **  
  
  


**_tendou:_ **

**_y/n is coming?? i'll be there!_ **  
  
  


**_ushijima:_ **

**_I will not be there._ **  
  
  


**_ushijima:_ **

**_And I am not an idiot captain._ **  
  
  


___________________  
  
  


After a comical amount of begging, whining and annoying your brother, Kenma finally agreed to join you and Kuroo on your trip to the restaurant. He was not at all happy about this, but you were practically skipping the whole way there. It had been a long time since you saw a lot of these people, and even longer since you saw them all at the same time. Even though all of you shared an intense love for the same sport, the being at different schools put a very difficult wedge into your friendships. So on rare occasions like this, when you would be surrounded by people you adored, you felt like nothing could make you happier.

It didn't take long to arrive at the restaurant. Your school was relatively close, and when you finally got there you had to stop yourself from sprinting inside. You entered with your brother and his best friend, scanning the room in search of the people you were meant to be meeting. Your eyes landed on a head of black and white hair in the back corner, and you grinned. The head of hair in question turned and met your eyes, obviously having sensed you looking at him. He broke into a smile bright enough to match yours and got to his feet, running over.

"Y/n-san!" He exclaimed, picking you up and spinning you around with so much force it nearly knocked the wind out of you. You giggled, wrapping your arms around his neck so you didn't end up flying into a wall or something.

"Bokuto!" You said back, voice still laced with laughter, "It's so good to see you!"

He set you down a few moments later, resting his hands on your shoulders. "I'm so glad you came! How are you?"

"I'm good. Things are going well right now. I'm so glad you planned this! I've missed you all so much."

Oikawa came up behind Bokuto, smiling, "Y/n, you made it!"

"Hey, 'Kawa! It's good to see you." You pulled him into a hug, knowing damn well he probably needed it. You did too, honestly. Touch was rare for both of you. He held you close for a second before letting go, looking brighter than before.

"I see you convinced your brother to come." He moved his gaze over your shoulder, to where Kenma stood next to Kuroo behind you. He, of course, had his head bowed as he played a game.

"I did, not that he'll be much fun. But at least I can make sure he's getting food in his system." You commented, shrugging your shoulders.

You continued the conversation for a few minutes, catching up with each other on things you couldn't really talk about over text. It felt good to talk to them like this, to be surrounded by people you loved. You didn't realize how much you'd missed it. You knew you'd remember this night for a long time.

Soon after, the rest of you joined the table where Akaashi and Iwaizumi sat, preparing to order your food.

"We're just waiting on Sugawara, Daichi, and Tendou." Bokuto commented, taking his seat next to Akaashi. The last name sent a wave of excitement through you, and you shifted in your spot. Tendou and you were old friends, having met in Elementary School when you played at the same park and he scared off some kid who was picking on you. After that, you were practically joined at the hip, hanging out any chance you got outside of school or volleyball practice. You knew each other very well, and despite being at different schools and technically rivals, you considered him family.

You hadn't had time to see him lately, so knowing he would be here tonight had you feeling nearly euphoric. Today was _such_ a good day.

"Did somebody say my name?" Came a voice, and you looked up to meet the eyes of the person who'd just occupied your thoughts. Tendou Satori, standing there in his Shiratorizawa tracksuit with a smile on his face.

"Tendou!"

You shot out of your seat and jumped into his arms, wrapping your legs around his waist in order to practically cement yourself to him. He laughed, holding you close and pressing his face into your shoulder. It was a comforting embrace, one so familiar to you despite how little you got to feel it. But that just made you cherish it even more when you did.

"Hey there, wild girl." He greeted you, calling you the nickname that went back years in your friendship. It made you feel warm inside.

"I missed you. I wish you didn't hate me and would come visit more."

"Hey, that is not true!" He exclaimed, pulling back to give you a disgruntled look, "It's not my fault you chose to go to school somewhere else. You should've gone to Shiratorizawa."

At the table behind you, Oikawa shuddered at that last part.

"Oh, shut up. I couldn't just leave Kenma. _You_ should've gone to Nekoma." You shot back, raising an eyebrow at him.

"Well, _I_ couldn't leave Wakatoshi! He'd turn to stone without me to liven things up."

You opened your mouth, ready to give him a salty comeback, when a deep voice cut you off, "I cannot turn to stone. That is physically impossible."

You looked past your childhood friend, who you were still clinging to, eyes landing on the tall man behind him. Also clad in a Shiratorizawa jumpsuit, standing with his hands in his pockets, was the Captain and ace of Tendou's team. Wakatoshi Ushijima. He stared at you, his olive eyes filled with confusion as he watched you and Tendou embrace each other so openly. It was clearly something foreign to him.

"Ushijima? I thought you weren't coming, since you're not an idiot captain." You and Ushijima weren't exactly friends- you'd only spoken to him a handful of times despite Tendou being such an important part in both of your guys' lives. You were just... too different. There was nothing there, so you tended to avoid him. It wasn't like you hated him, or went out of your way to be mean or make him uncomfortable. If anything, he made _you_ uncomfortable. Not on purpose, he was just so... stoic.

Did that stop you from thinking he was the hottest shit to walk this Earth, though? No, no it did not.

His brows furrowed at your words, and he shook his head, "I did not say I would not come because I am not an idiot captain, I said I would not come because I had no interest in attending."

"Then why are you here, Ushijima-san?" Kuroo asked from his spot at the table, sitting next to a still-gaming Kenma. You really should hide that thing one of these days.

"Tendou insisted. He told me if I did not join him, he would set all my clothes on fire."

You couldn't help the laugh that sputtered out of you, looking down to give Tendou (who still had you in his arms) a proud look. He grinned back, clearly amused by himself.

Not long after, Suga and Daichi arrived and everyone sat down to eat. You stayed seated next to Tendou the whole time, making conversation with him about anything and everything. Ushijima sat on the other side of him, silently listening. Everyone laughed and ate and enjoyed each other's company late into the night, before saying their goodbyes and returning home. You hugged Tendou goodbye, promising to get together soon. He left with Ushijima, waving at you until he was out of sight. It made you smile like an idiot to watch that.

You went home with Kenma after that, falling into bed feeling completely worn out from today. But you hadn't felt this happy in a long time, and you hoped this high would last at least tomorrow. Happiness wasn't always super constant in your life, and especially not as tremendous as it was right now. Maybe, if you were lucky, you'd get to keep this feeling for awhile longer. At least, you hoped.

And with those thoughts lulling you to sleep, you let your body rest, the memories of your friends keeping you nice and warm. 


	2. two

With every passing day, you drew closer to the Interhigh preliminaries, and every day, your nerves grew. Despite the confidence you felt in yourself and your team, you knew that nothing was certain. There were a lot of teams out there that were extremely talented, just like yours was. What if you made a mistake and it cost your team the chance at Nationals? How would you ever recover from that? Just the thought of it was enough to make you shudder.

You did your best to hide the insecurities you were dealing with, not wanting to have to burden anyone with what you knew were silly thoughts. Of course, that did not work at all. Kenma was quick to pick up on it, but you weren't surprised about that. Your twin brother knew you better than anyone else on this Earth.

"Why are you so nervous?" He asked one morning at breakfast, looking up at you through a curtain of hair. You met his eyes, swallowing the bite of food you'd been eating.

"What do you mean?" You asked, unconvincingly. Idiot.

"I can literally feel it, Y/n. You're scared. Why?"

Lying would be counterproductive, you knew that. Kenma would see right through it, and probably be hurt that you lied to him. That was something you guys didn't do to each other. There was no reason, anyways. You both knew whether the other was telling the truth or not.

You sighed, setting your utensil down and pushing your food away. You ran a hand through your hair, meeting your brother's eyes again. "I just... my team has never been able to make it to Nationals. There has always been someone who was better than us, who we couldn't overcome. What if that happens again? What if my team has to endure another loss because of me?"

Kenma just stared at you for a second, lost in thought. Then he sighed and shook his head, "That's stupid. You're talented, y/n. Really talented. The only way you could mess up that bad is if you convinced yourself it would happen."

He was right. Of course, he was. Sure, it wasn't for sure that you would win. But it also wasn't for sure you would lose. You just had to try, that's the best you could do. Feeding these fears would only hold you back, and then you'd really be in trouble.

Were you completely confident now? No, but you knew you had to change your way of thinking. You loved volleyball, you were good at it. As long as you did your best, there was nothing to be scared of. It was just a volleyball game. When it came down to it, it was just the same as any other game. Which you'd won dozens of. You smiled, feeling a weight lift off your chest.

"Thanks, Kenma. You're really good at this advice thing." You commented, kissing him on the head before getting up and taking your dishes to clean them off. He grimaced at the affection, pulling away.

"I just wanted you to stop moping. It was getting annoying." He replied, attention completely turned away from you and back on his game. You rolled your eyes, but didn't say anything else. He could spout all the bullshit he wanted, but you knew the truth. He cared, and he wanted to make sure you were okay.

You got a message while you made your way back to your room, and you paused to check what it was.

**_ tendou: _ **

**_are you free later?_ **

Despite it being such a simple message, it made you very excited. Tendou wanted to hang out with you, something that happened so rarely. You had to stop yourself from jumping up and down, typing out your response.

**_ you: _ **

**_if you're lucky. why?_ **

His response came almost instantly.

**_ tendou: _ **

**_i'm having an early surprise party for myself today, and you're invited._ **

**_ you: _ **

**_an early surprise party for yourself??? explain_ **

**_ tendou: _ **

**_my birthday is in a couple days, right? and of course i'm going to have a party. BUT, it will be planned by not-me and not fun. so i'm having one early, today, that's planned by myself. so i can have fun._ **

**_ tendou: _ **

**_and i say surprise party because i didn't give you any time to prepare. SURPRISE!_ **

You read his messages, a laugh bursting out of you as you did. Your best friend really was a handful, but that just made you love him more. Seriously, who threw themselves a birthday party before their _actual_ party just to make sure they had fun? Only Tendou Satori would think that was totally normal and execute it. Of course, you'd be attending.

**_ you: _ **

**_lmao you're psycho_ **

**_ you: _ **

**_i'll be there. what time, what do i need to bring, and what's the dress code?_ **

**_ tendou: _ **

**_5, just your beautiful self, and a hazmat suit_ **

**_ you: _ **

**_?? no_ **

**_ tendou: _ **

**_you're no fun :(_ **

**_ tendou: _ **

**_fine. wear whatever you want, as long as it's comfortable. and maybe bring pajamas. this party might become an all-nighter._ **

**_ you: _ **

**_sounds good. i'll see you later. xo_ **

**_ tendou: _ **

**_< 3_ **

Your no-plans-day had now been ruined, but you couldn't even be mad. You'd get to spend some time with Tendou today. There was a good chance he had some crazy plan for tonight, so you'd need to be prepared. You also had to get him a present, even though he'd told you you'd only needed to bring yourself. But you wouldn't be able to feel good to show up at a birthday party for him without a gift. Thus, you had some errands to run.

___________________

Five hours and a couple store trips later, you had everything in order to go to the party. You'd bought his gift, as well as a few games and snacks. You didn't know what the party would be like, but it was better to be safe than sorry. After that, you had everything ready. So, once you'd made sure Kenma would eat dinner and wouldn't let his game keep him from being human, you made your way to Tendou's place.

Tendou didn't actually have a place, to be honest. He really just had the dorm room he shared with Ushijima at Shiratorizawa, but there was this old storage room he'd discovered and claimed as his own. It wasn't too big, but it was much spacier than his dorm, which meant more room for activities. You'd been there quite a few times, and it was now just the go-to hangout spot for him and people he could trust with his secret. Your bet was that you'd find him there.

Your bet was correct, because as soon as you entered that room, you were bombarded with confetti and a loud, "Surprise!"

You jumped, looking over to see Tendou standing there with a party popper in his hands. He grinned at you, despite the clear look of annoyance on your face.

"What the hell?" You exclaimed, "It's not my surprise party. Why did you do that?"

"Because it's fun! Plus, I'm already here so I can't be surprised. But we had to do it to someone, and that just happened to be you."

"You scared the shit out of me." You grumbled, setting the bags with games and snacks down on a table. You then took to trying to get all the confetti off of you, which was difficult because they were small and there was _a lot._

"Well, I'm sorry that I'm the only one who knows how to have fun around here." He pouted, throwing the used confetti cannon into a nearby garbage bin, "You're almost as bad as Wakatoshi."

"Why is me not enjoying being covered in small pieces of paper bad?" Came a familiar deep voice, and you looked up to see Ushijima leaned against the wall with his arms crossed. You were taken back for a second, because _shit._ Instead of his usual tracksuit, he just wore a t-shirt and pants. His arms were mostly exposed, his biceps tight against the sleeves. It was extremely, extremely attractive, and the sight had made your monkey brain lose all coherent thought.

"Because confetti is _fun!_ And you act like it's a curse from an evil witch." Tendou cried.

"Witches are not real." Came Ushijima's calm response. Tendou groaned, shaking his head before walking over to you.

"What's all this?" He asked, gesturing to the bags you'd brought. You looked at him, breaking out of the internal struggle you'd just gone through. Maybe it involved you wanting to be crushed by a certain gorgeous pair of arms, but that wasn't anyone's business.

"Oh, uh-" You opened one of the bags, revealing an assortment of candy and cookies, "I brought snacks."

"Whoa! This is all my favorites," Tendou exclaimed, ruffling through the bag, "This is amazing. We're going to eat so much crap tonight."

"I also brought games. I didn't know what you had planned, so I thought it would be best to be prepared."

"You are literally a genius, wild girl." He grinned, already tearing into a pack of gummy candies.

"I know." You smiled, pretending to flip your hair off your shoulder.

"Okay, so we'll have dinner, play games, and then watch some movies and eat candy. That sound good?"

"Sounds perfect to me." You replied, and Tendou turned his attention to the ace on the other side of the room. He simply nodded, but that was enough for the redhead.

"Great! I'll just get dinner, and then we can get into it!" The birthday boy made his way to the door, and you felt confusion blossom inside you.

"Wait, what? Aren't you going to wait for the rest of the guests?"

"It's just you two. I didn't really want to invite anyone else." He opened the door, taking a step out, "I'm going to get the dinner. You keep yourselves entertained until I get back." And with that, your friend left, leaving you alone with someone you'd never had a good time with.

You sighed, frustration running through you. This was not what you'd expected when you came here tonight. Part of you just wanted to forget it and go home. No, you couldn't do that. You were here for Tendou, to celebrate his birthday. You couldn't leave just because you felt a little uncomfortable.

You'd have to suck it up.

Clearing your throat, you turned to Ushijima, who was just watching you with a blank expression. You gave him a nervous smile, fiddling with your hands.

"So... how are you?" You asked.

"I'm fine." Was all you got in return. You sighed. So much for making conversation.

You looked around the room, searching for something to make this extremely awkward moment more bearable. Your eyes landed on the table, and you pursed your lips. It was the best you had in this situation. It would have to do.

You looked back at him, not shocked to find his eyes still on you. He obviously didn't have any idea how to act socially. You could relate.

"You want to play a game?" You asked.

___________________

You and Ushijima had decided to play a card game, sitting on the ground across from each other. It was one of your favorites, but he'd never played it, so you had to explain it and then play a few practice rounds. Just your luck, he was a natural, and before long he was beating you every round. It was extremely frustrating, and you had to stop yourself from punching him or yelling. As you went about your 12th round, you finally got yourself a victory.

"Ha! I win!" You exclaimed, throwing your last card down. You grinned at him, letting your ego take over for a little.

He frowned, looking from the cards in his hand to the ones you'd discarded. After a minute, he looked at you, seemingly resolved.

"You cheated."

His words took you by surprise, and you short-circuited for a second. Was he really accusing you of cheating? Seriously?

"I did not!"

"That is the only rational explanation."

"No, it isn't! I'm good at this game, it makes sense that I won!"

"If you're good, why did you not win any of the other rounds?"

"You little-"

You were ready to beat the shit out of him for thinking you had to cheat to win when the door opened and Tendou returned with the food. He stopped in the doorway, taking in the sight before him. The two of you sat on the floor, with Ushijima calmly sitting there with his cards still in his hands. You on the other hand, were on your knees with clenched fists, anger all over your face. You looked over at him, nostrils flaring.

He laughed a little, slightly nervous, "What did I miss?"

"We were playing cards, and y/n cheated."

"I didn't fucking cheat!"

"Well, nice to see you two are getting along." He muttered, setting down the food and walking over, "Did you have fun, at least?"

"I find that it was very amusing. She taught me a new game, and I seem to be good at it."

"Beginner's luck." You grumbled, slumping down and crossing your arms.

"Oh, come on, y/n. Wakatoshi had fun. Can't you just say the same and leave it at that?"

You looked at Tendou, whose eyes were sparkling like he'd just succeeded in something. What it was, though, you had no clue. You moved your gaze to Ushijima, who was watching you with a curious expression. He'd had fun, but you seemed so angry. It didn't make sense to him. Had you not enjoyed it?

You huffed, "Fine. Whatever. It was fun." You averted your gaze from both of them, "Let's just eat."

"Great idea!"

The three of you ate together, then moved on to play some games. There were no more accusations or yelling, and you ended up really enjoying yourself. Ushijima was disgustingly good at all of them, and you hated that it made you more attracted to him. Seriously, how could a guy with the personality of a glass of water be perfect at everything he ever did? It was an abomination.

After games was movie time, which was just some of Tendou's favorites. You all changed into pajamas at that point, and settled down to watch the movies with the snacks you'd brought. By the time that was over with, you could barely keep your eyes open. It had been a long day, and you'd worked hard at volleyball practice yesterday. So when Tendou brought out blankets and pillows, you could've cried in joy.

You each got your own makeshift beds, with you on Tendou's right and Ushijima on his left. It wasn't long before the room was silent except for the even breathing of the two sleeping boys. Tendou, curled up and clutching the plushie you'd gotten him for his birthday (you were saving the bigger gift for his _actual_ party), and Ushijima asleep on his back with an arm rested on his stomach. You rolled onto your side, facing Tendou, and yawned.

It really had been a good time, despite the rough parts. You'd loved seeing your old friend, and you even had some fun playing with Ushijima. Yes, he was extremely awkward and you had no idea how Tendou kept a friendship with him, but it seemed he was capable of fun. Even if he did think you cheated just because he lost. Arrogance at its finest.

As you drifted off to sleep, you couldn't help but think that maybe one day, you could be friends with Ushijima. Maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys so much for reading! i really hoped you liked it! it was kinda uneventful, and i'm sorry. i promise things will get more exciting soon. just you wait. 
> 
> in this chapter i kinda had to lay down the foundation for your relationship with ushijima, so we can go from there. as you can see, we have a long way to go. it'll be worth it, though. 
> 
> as always, thank you for reading! leave some votes and comments to keep me motivated! i'll update asap :) 
> 
> see you soon! have a good day


	3. three

Before you knew it, the day of the preliminaries was upon you. You were on high alert, your nerves making you shake. You'd done this before, and yet you were just as nervous every single time. Why couldn't you just get over this? You loved volleyball, and you were confident that you'd do your best. There was no reason to be so scared.

Your peptalk didn't do anything, and you could feel your stomach coiling in a way that wasn't fun.

If everything went well, you'd play and win five matches. If you did that, your team would qualify for Nationals. Five matches, that's it. You'd won five matches before, at least that many. You could do this.

You fiddled with your hands, standing in the hallway with your team as you waited for instructions. You could tell you weren't the only nervous one in your group, and you definitely weren't the worst at hiding it. If you were the captain, you might've given a little speech to get everyone's spirits up. But you weren't, and the real captain was too busy scrolling through her phone to notice her team's nerves.

Sighing, you tried to clear your head of all the anxious thoughts floating around. If you were this nervous in the match, you were destined to screw up. Then all of this would have been for nothing, all because you couldn't get your fears in check. You closed your eyes and took a steadying breath, clenching and unclenching your fists. You could do this, you could do this, you could do this.

"Y/n."

You opened your eyes, responding to the call of your name, and your eyes fell on your brother. He stood in front of you, Kuroo beside him, with the rest of his team gathered a few feet away.

You tried not to show the embarrassment you felt over being caught in the middle of a freakout, but you knew both the boys wouldn't fall for it.

"Kenma." You swallowed, not sure what else to say.

He didn't speak, instead putting a hand on your arm and squeezing. The touch immediately sent relief through your body, the familiarity of your bond with your brother bringing you back down to Earth. You felt yourself start to breathe evenly again, and you put your hand on his, squeezing back.

"You can do this." He said quietly, before letting go. You smiled at him, feeling choked up at seeing how much he cared. He nodded, giving you a small smile back before going back to his team.

"You're gonna kick ass, y/n. Don't get freaked. You're so talented." Kuroo complimented, hugging you quickly before following Kenma. You watched the two of them go, feeling more sure of yourself by the second.

You loved the two of them so much, even more so after they did that for you. They believed in you, and had total faith you could win. You had to prove them right. You _would_ prove them right. You would win these games, take your team to nationals, and justify their faith in you.

You won your first game easily, taking the first two sets and the victory. Your team seemed to all have the same mindset, which was to win. None of you even thought about the possibility of losing, and that made you deadly. Failure was not in the cards this year.

Your next game wasn't for a few more hours, which meant you could go watch the end of your brother's game. He did amazing, as usual, and so did Kuroo. The two of them were damn good at this sport, and even better at it when working together. They won their game, too, which wasn't surprising. After it was over, you went to congratulate them, giddy from your own win.

"Kenma!" You called, hurrying over to where the team was cooling down, "Kuroo!"

Both of them turned to look at you, Kuroo breaking out into a grin while Kenma just took another drink from his water bottle. You threw yourself at them, wrapping one arm around each of their necks to form a group hug. Kuroo hugged back just as enthusiastically, while Kenma settled with giving you a pat on the back. You laughed, pulling away.

"You guys were amazing! It was so cool to watch." You gushed, adrenaline coursing through you.

"I know! We totally kicked ass, didn't we?" Kuroo replied, elbowing Kenma. Your brother grunted, sending a glare at his best friend before turning his attention to you.

"Yes. We were good, and we won."

"Seriously? You can't be a little bit more excited? You're one step closer to Nationals now!"

Kenma sighed at your positivity, taking another drink of water, "I'm too tired to celebrate."

"Well, maybe if you didn't stay up all night playing games, that would be different." Kuroo scolded him, hands on his hips like a disappointed mother. The sight made you laugh, adding to the happiness you already felt. Things were looking up, and even if you felt nervous, you felt even more strongly that you could do this.

Your second game was to take place later this afternoon, against an opponent you'd always had a good fight with. They were strong, but so was your team. Your nervousness from this morning still sat at the back of your mind, but you didn't let the thoughts grow. You'd already won one game, you could win another. It was easy.

Your phone buzzed in your pocket, and you pulled it out.

**_ idiot captains and their bffs (+ y/n) _ **

**_ suga: _ **

**_Good luck on your game tonight, y/n! We're rooting for you!_ **

**_ bokuto: _ **

**_HELL YEAH!! YOU GOT THIS!_ **

**_ oikawa: _ **

**_i better see you at nationals, or consider our friendship terminated_ **

**_ kuroo: _ **

**_we all know you're gonna kick ass, y/n! kenma says not to overthink it!_ **

**_ tendou: _ **

**_break their hearts, wild girl! make me proud!_ **

**_ ushijima: _ **

**_I hope you are better at volleyball than you are at card playing._ **

****While most of the messages warmed your heart and made you feel like you could take on the World, that last one took you by surprise. Ushijima rarely spoke in this group chat, if ever. If he did, it was only to say he didn't like something or that he didn't belong there. Never did he send something like that, a message that could be taken as supporting you. The message also contained what might have been a joke, one personal to the two of you. If it were someone else, it would've been funny.

But it was Ushijima, and you knew it was more likely that he was being completely serious in that message.

Still, the thought that he'd left a message at all had you feeling a little giddy. Because you were an affection starved dumbass. Shaking your head, you typed out a response.

**_ you: _ **

**_well, at least i don't accuse people of cheating just because i lost, ushijima._ **

**_ you: _ **

**_but thank you all for the messages! i promise i'll do my best!! love you all!_ **

You ended up winning your game, not that that really surprised you. Your team had been very amped up, still reeling from the win earlier that day. The game was quick, even with it lasting all three sets. Your team had won the first and the third, claiming the victory as your own. Two games down, three to go. Then it was on to Nationals.

Your team decided to go out to dinner to celebrate and invited you along, but you declined. As much as you were grateful for your team and were proud of them, you really just wanted to celebrate this with your brother. He was the one that talked you out of your anxiety, after all. Talked was a relative word, since he really only spoke like three words to you and your brain did the rest. Still, he knew exactly what to do and now you were one step closer to reaching your goal.

Kenma and Kuroo had come to watch your match, since they didn't have another one that day, and were waiting for you once it was over. You jogged over to them, a towel laid over your shoulders and a water bottle in your hand. Kuroo was quick to hug you as tight as possible, passionate as always, and overwhelm you with compliments on how well you played. You beamed at him, pretending the praise didn't make you flustered. You weren't used to getting complimented so much.

Kenma nodded at you, a hint of a smile on his lips, "You did really good, y/n."

"Good?! She was great! Maybe even better than you!" Kuroo exclaimed, initiating an argument between the two with Kenma claiming 'I never said she was _just_ good' and Kuroo shooting back with 'you need a bigger vocabulary.'

"Okay, okay, you guys are exhausting." You butted in, shutting them up, "Let's just be glad I won and leave it at that. How about we get some dinner?"

"That sounds like a great idea! I'm starving." The captain responded, slapping a hand on your brother's back just hard enough that he stumbled forward a bit, "What about you?"

Kenma sighed like he was being tortured, "I guess I could eat."

"Perfect! Just let me get cleaned up and grab my stuff, and I'll meet you guys outside."

You went your separate ways after that, them to wait outside and you to get your things together. While on your way to the restroom to wash up, you got a phone call. You answered it and set your phone against the wall on the edge of the sink. You turned on the water and splashed it on your face, instantly calmed by the cool temperature.

"Wild girl!" A voice came from your phone, one you immediately identified as Tendou, "How did the match go?"

You dried off your face before grinning at the phone, meeting Tendou's eyes through the video call, "I won!"

Tendou laughed victoriously, jumping up and down based on the camera movements on his side of the call. "Of course you did! You're too talented for your team. You should find people who can fit to your skill level. Maybe a team like Shir-"

"Don't even say it." You warned, picking up your phone off the sink, "I already told you, I'm not leaving Kenma."

Tendou whined, slumping down on the bed in what you assumed was his dorm room, "Wakatoshi, tell y/n that she belongs at this school with us." He said, before turning his phone to the right to reveal his roommate sitting on the bed next to him. The roommate in question was sat straight up on the edge of the bed, calmly reading whatever book he held in his hands.

You couldn't help but notice he had a certain kind of beauty when he was silent and still. His brows furrowed as he read, lips slightly pursed and moving every once in awhile when he murmured something to himself. His shoulders were relaxed, something you weren't used to seeing. He looked calm, and you found that you thought it was just as sexy as when he was worked up or in the zone in a game.

Ushijima didn't take his eyes off the book, instead just answering without giving you or Tendou his attention, "Our girl's volleyball team would greatly benefit from having a setter like you."

"See?" Tendou asked, turning the camera back to himself. He gave you an 'I told you so' look before turning the phone back to his roommate, "Now tell her congratulations for winning her second game in the preliminaries."

This time, Ushijima actually looked up. His eyes fell on the phone screen, on you, and he hesitated for a second. Then he blinked and spoke, "Congratulations."

You smiled, a little moved that he'd say it to you at all. He wasn't the type to really be kind to rivals. He wasn't intentionally rude, he just much preferred to keep his kindness to his own team.

"Thanks, Ushijima." You replied, leaving the bathroom and heading to the meeting spot where Kenma and Kuroo should be, "And I give you my condolences on having to deal with Tendou daily."

"Hey!" The red haired boy cried, bringing his face back into view of the screen, "Don't be mean to me. I'm a joy to be around."

"Yeah, I know you are. And I love you. But that doesn't change the fact that you've got a lot of... passion."

"You hesitated when you said that."

"I did not! I was just... distracted." You explained, glancing down at the phone as you walked.

"You hesitated again! Why do you hate me?"

"Oh, don't be so dramatic. We both know I'm not even close to even _thinking_ about hating you."

Tendou sighed, "Fine, I guess you're right."

"I always am." You smiled, winking at Tendou, "And as much as I'd love to talk to you, I have to go get dinner with Kenma and Kuroo. So I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Okay, fine. Good luck on the rest of your games! Crush your opponents until there's nothing left but dust."

You laughed, "You're so fucked up. Bye."

"See you!"

You hung up the call and pocketed your phone, hurrying off to catch up to your group. Tonight, you would celebrate the victories you'd achieved today. As good as that felt, you couldn't forget what would come tomorrow. You had more matches to win, and the only way you'd get to Nationals would be to succeed. You couldn't let your guard down yet.

___________________

Your next two matches went by in a blur, but that didn't make them any more easier. They were both difficult ones that lasted all three sets, but with as much determination as your team had, you took both victories. That meant you only had one match left, and if you won then you could qualify for Nationals. One match, that was it. That was all that kept you from what you wanted now.

If you thought you'd been nervous before, then you must be anxiety personified now. There was so much pressure on your team, and even more pressure on you. You were the setter, the person who touched the ball the most. Any mistakes on your part could mean a loss. Losing the game this far in would be devastating, you didn't think you'd ever be able to forgive yourself.

You checked your phone, eager to give yourself a distraction in this time of panic, but that only served to make you feel worse. The idiot captains group chat was once again full of good luck messages for you, all of them hoping to see you win. You put your phone away, nausea eating away at your stomach. What if you failed? What if you didn't get to go to Nationals because you'd screwed up or weren't good enough? What would your friends do?

Would they be disappointed? Would they think you weren't good enough? Or would they not be surprised, because you'd failed so many times in the past? Maybe they didn't even actually like you. Maybe they just were nice because you were Kenma's sister, but it didn't go any deeper than that. Maybe you didn't actually have any friends at all.

Okay, whoa. Way to go down the rabbit hole, _Satan_.

That wasn't true, none of it was, and you knew that. Your friends loved you, whether you made it to Nationals or not. This was just your insecurities trying to make you self-destruct. Which you couldn't do- there was too much riding on this. You needed to take a deep breath, get your thoughts in order, and prepare to win this game. That was the only option you had. You wouldn't settle for anything less.

You had ten minutes until warmups started. Which meant that you had that long to convince yourself that you could do this. You did your best, but it wasn't much time, and before you knew it, the game was going to begin. _No more time to panic,_ you thought, _it's time to get serious._

The first set went by faster than you thought, and to your disappointment you had to give the win to your opponents. The second and third went to your team, but the fourth went to your opponents. That meant that there'd have to be a fifth set, and both teams were not prepared to lose. You knew that your team was relying on you, that your friends were hopeful for you, and that your brother was watching you in the audience. You had so much riding on this, you could not mess up.

So, with a deep breath and a small mental pep-talk, you stepped onto the court for the final set.

What was supposed to be a 15 point set turned into a deuce, with your opponents at 21 and your team at 22. You had match point, and if you just got one more point this would all be over. You'd have won. It sounded so easy, so attainable. It might have been, but this had been a long game and your team was running out of energy. So were your opponents, and the longer this went on the harder it was to keep going.

You turned to your team, meeting each of their eyes as you all breathed hard and fast. "One more point." You told them, and you could see the energy shift from exhausted to focused in a matter of seconds. You all were so close, you could push through until the end. You had the strength, you just had to be reminded of it.

It was your team's turn to serve, and one of your teammates stood in her spot with the ball. She took a deep breath, steadying herself, and then served the ball after the whistle blew. It was a good serve, but the other team's libero received it and sent it flying towards their setter. The setter sent it to one of the wing spikers, who tried to send it down to the right of your team's blockers. But they adjusted at the last second, one of them shouting 'one touch!' as the ball soared towards the end of the court.

You ran as fast as you could towards the ball, diving for it and sending it behind you towards the net as you went. "Kasumi!" You yelled, calling to your team's ace after landing on the ground. She responded instantly, running towards the ball and jumping up, ready to hit it. You sat up, still down on the ground, and watched as she slammed her hand against the ball with all her might.

It felt like it happened in slow motion. You swore everything stopped, and you didn't comprehend anything except for the ball moving past the opponent's blockers and hitting the ground with a thud that seemed louder than it should be. The gym was silent as the ball rolled off the court, finally stopping as it hit the edge of the wall. Then, the sound of the whistles broke through your almost trance-like state, and you realized what had happened.

Your team had gotten the point. You'd won the last set. You'd won the _game_. You were qualified to go to Nationals. You'd done it.

The silence was broken as people in the audience erupted in cheers, as well as your teammates screaming out in delight. They all swarmed onto the court, embracing each other and crying in delight. You were embraced and congratulated so much it made your head spin, but you weren't complaining. You'd never felt anything like the way you felt right now, and you were sure you'd give anything to keep feeling it. You would feel it again, you reminded yourself, when you made your way to Nationals and beat other teams.

"Y/n!" You turned towards the voice calling your name, only to immediately be nearly knocked over as two boys pulled you into a hug tighter than what could be considered comfortable. You laughed, hugging them back just as tight and giving Kuroo and Kenma each a kiss on the head.

"That last shot was amazing! I can't believe you dove for that ball like that, it was so cool! And setting with your back to the net _while_ falling? Holy shit, y/n!" Kuroo exclaimed, setting you back down on the ground. You grinned up at him, feeling quite proud of yourself at the moment.

"You did amazing, y/n. Really. I'm proud." Kenma told you, his eyes shining with all the things he wouldn't say. You didn't need him to say them, though, you already knew. And it warmed your heart.

"Thank you so much, you guys. You have no idea how much it means to me for you to be here." You told them, putting a hand on each of their arms.

They continued talking with you for awhile, as well as promising to take you out that night to celebrate your victory. You eagerly accepted, more than happy to spend time with them and be able to revel in reaching a goal you'd been chasing for so long. You worked so hard, you felt like you had a right to commemorate your success. Because, after all this time, you'd finally done it.

You were taking your team to Nationals. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys so much for reading! i really hoped you liked it! it was kinda uneventful, and i'm sorry. i promise things will get more exciting soon. just you wait.
> 
> in this chapter i kinda had to lay down the foundation for your relationship with ushijima, so we can go from there. as you can see, we have a long way to go. it'll be worth it, though.
> 
> as always, thank you for reading! leave some votes and comments to keep me motivated! i'll update asap :)
> 
> see you soon! have a good day


	4. four

A few days after your victory, you woke up with a weight on your chest. Not a bad weight, like it usually would be- anxiety greeting you as soon as you opened your eyes. No, instead it was a feeling of... anticipation and excitement. A feeling so intense it was physical. You felt so good right now, it was sort of shocking.

You took your time getting ready, showering a little longer to finish your playlist and putting a little more effort into picking your outfit. Not for any other reason than you felt good, and you wanted your appearance to match it. This happiness you felt was a rare occurrence in your life, why not enjoy it while it lasted? There was no telling when it would disappear.

Your happy feelings continued throughout the morning as you made and ate breakfast with your brother, the two of you chatting about upcoming events and his new games. Kenma seemed to be in a better mood as well, considering he was actually looking at you instead of staring down at a screen. He commented something about wanting to hang out with Kuroo today, and a lightbulb went off in your head. If there was anything that put you/made you stay in a good mood, it was spending time with your friends. Maybe you could get them all, or hopefully at least a majority of them, together to hang out today.

"-said he wants to go shopping for some reason, so I thought maybe that's what we'd do." Kenma said, you only catching the last of his words as you broke out of your thoughts.

"Hey, what if we expand our group a little bit?" You asked, and your brother raised an eyebrow at you.

"What do you mean?" His voice was cautious, clearly not sure about whatever idea you were thinking up.

"We can text the group chat and ask if any of them want to come. Hopefully at least a few will accept." You explained, "As much as I enjoy our little trio escapades, it'd be nice to see the rest of them, right?"

He furrowed his brows, poking at his food as he thought for a second. "That's a lot more social interaction than I was planning today, but I guess you're right. I do have fun when they're around. Sometimes."

You beamed, clapping in delight. "Great, thank you! I'll message them!"

You finished breakfast quickly after that, cleaning off your dishes and then heading back to your room. Plopping down on your bed, you pulled out your phone and pulled up your messages.   
  
  
  
  
  


**_ idiot captains and their bffs (+ y/n) _ **   
  
  


**_ you: _ **

**_anyone down to hang out today?_ **   
  
  


___________________  
  
  


After some debating and conversing, it was decided that you, Kenma, Kuroo, Bokuto, Akaashi, Daichi, and Suga would go to a nearby shopping street that evening and get dinner at some point. Ushijima and Tendou weren't coming because of practice, and Oikawa and Iwaizumi had the same problem. Knowing Tendou wouldn't be there dampened your spirits a tiny bit, but you did your best to not let it affect you. You could see him some other time, now you should just focus on having fun.

Before your planned outing with your friends, your teammate, Kasumi, asked if you wanted to get lunch with her. She wanted to talk about plans for Nationals, as well as new things your team could try to improve. You eagerly accepted, knowing that nothing bad could come out of trying to improve. Nationals was an entirely new thing, with difficult teams you'd never faced before. It was only logical to prepare.

You, being the idiot you are, couldn't drive. So Kasumi had to pick you up. You ended up going with her to a nearby cafe, getting drinks and a small dessert to go with. She had a lot of ideas, and you bet that she'd spent the last few days coming up with everything she could to carry your team through Nationals. You were impressed by her care and initiative, glad you had someone other than you who was just as passionate about this.

"So I thought that maybe if we practiced it, we could figure out some new combinations to throw read-blockers off. You know, like, body language that suggests a certain kind of set but then we do a completely different one. Something like that?" She explained, taking a sip of her drink.

You nodded, chewing thoughtfully on a bite of your dessert, "That's a really good idea. It'll be difficult, but if we figure it out it will be so helpful in the long run."

"That's exactly what I thought!" She responded, "I also think we could work a bit more on defense on our side. Receives, blocking, stuff like that. There's some holes, and I think it could be fixed."

"You're right. If we work on that, it will be a lot harder for teams to score against us. These are all really good ideas, Kasumi."

She smiled, face slightly flushed, and shrugged, "I just want our team to succeed, is all."

"You and me both." You nodded, swallowing a gulp of your drink, "We'll definitely work on these things at the next practice. Everyone's antsy to get things going."

"I know how they feel. Ever since we won the finals, I've been dying to get back on the court."

"Right? It's like my motivation has gone up 1000 percent. I'm going crazy."

Kasumi went silent, her expression focused. Then her eyes lit up, and she looked at you. With a grin, she spoke, "I have an idea."

You raised your eyebrows, "Oh? What's that?"

"Let's go do some extra practice now. We can practice some combinations together, work off some steam. It'll be fun."

"Oh, that sounds great!" You exclaimed, "It'll have to be a short practice, though, because I have plans later."

"You got a hot date?" She teased, wiggling her eyebrows.

_As if_. Your love life was drier than the desert. It was just... not common for someone to see you romantically. Not that it really bothered you- life was much easier without the complications and pain that came with loving someone. Besides, you had volleyball, your brother, and your friends. You were happy.

You laughed, shaking your head, "God, no. I'm just going out with my brother and some friends."

"Oh. Not as exciting, but I understand." She nodded, "You want to go right now?"

"Yeah, sure."

The two of you left after that, heading over to the school to use the gym. Kasumi had a way to get you guys in even with it being locked, and you were sort of scared to ask how. But soon the two of you were inside, ready to get some practice in, and any worries you had disappeared. You put yourself in position to set, and she got ready to spike them. It was a familiar setup, and you felt yourself relax. This was where you felt the most alive, standing on this court with an opponent facing you and your team behind you.

It was the one thing that you thought you'd never get tired of, playing this game and feeling every emotion that came with it. It took your breath every time. You would do anything to be able to keep playing.

The two of you practiced for a couple hours, to the point where you were disgustingly sweaty and out of breath and your arms and legs burned with effort. But you felt amazing. Adrenaline and Dopamine coursed through your veins, nearly making you buzz. You could've walked on the moon for all you knew at this point.

After cleaning up a bit, the two of you left and returned to Kasumi's car, talking animatedly about things you'd done that day and things you could try with the team. It felt so good to have someone who cared as much as you on your team, and even better knowing she considered you a friend. This situation made you feel even better about Nationals, and you swore you could taste the victory coming your way. It was only a matter of time.

Or so you thought.

Unbeknownst to you, you'd just stepped on the court as a player for the last time.

Because as Kasumi drove you back to your house, the two of you talking about anything that came to your mind, a truck ran through a stop sign and slammed into the passenger's side of her car. You didn't even have time to react before everything went dark.   
  
  


___________________  
  
  


You didn't know where you were when you came to, or what had happened. Your mind was foggy, and you could barely form any coherent thoughts. It was bright. Even with your eyes closed, the lights made them sting. There was an incessant beeping sound coming from somewhere, as well as the smell of antiseptic that was making your head throb. Something was wrong.

You felt stiff, your body wasn't moving the way it was supposed to. What was going on? The last thing you remembered was practicing in the gym with Kasumi, so how did you end up here? Where was she? Where were _you?_

Slowly, more questions filled your brain, confusion making your chest tighten. You didn't know where you were. You didn't know what had happened or what was going on now. You didn't know where anyone was, or if you were in danger. You couldn't open your eyes. Why couldn't you open your eyes? It was such a simple command, one you did all the time. Why not now?

It was like your body was shutting down and you were losing control. Were you dying? Was this the end of your life, this feeling of being out of control? No, you didn't want to die. You couldn't. You were so young, you had so much to do. This couldn't be it. It was too soon. It was-

"Y/n?"

The calling of your name silenced all the thoughts attacking your mind. You knew that voice, just as well as you knew your own. It belonged to someone you cared about, someone you could always rely on. Probably the person you loved most in the World. If he was here with you, then you were okay. As long as you had him, you'd be okay.

Slowly, your eyes blinked open, squinting against the bright lights. You moved your gaze towards where you'd heard the voice from, and you spotted your brother sitting in a chair next to you. He watched you with a pale face and saddened expression, eyes rimmed red as he fiddled with the sleeves of his jacket. When he saw you looking at him, the pain in his face worsened, and he averted his eyes. You saw him swallow shakily, brows furrowed.

"Kenma?" You called, and immediately regretted it. Your throat was on fire. It felt drier than anything you'd ever experienced in your life, and speaking made it feel like you'd swallowed a rock and it was scraping against your windpipe. You grimaced in pain, reminding yourself not to try to speak again until this was better.

You still didn't know what was going on, but with the way Kenma looked, you knew it wasn't good. He rarely showed emotions this vividly, and that emotion being sadness was even rarer. You wanted to help him, wanted to take him into your arms and hold him until the pain left. He didn't deserve to hurt. He'd never done anything that would justify feeling pain.

You tried to sit up, attempting to act out your plan of holding him, but stopped short as your body didn't move with your mind. You moved your eyes back to yourself, and the sight before you made your blood run cold. You knew where you were now. You were in a hospital room, laying in a bed. You were a patient.

Looking at your body, you really hoped this was a situation where it looked worse than it actually was. You had bruises all over your arms, your right forearm covered in a cast that kept you from twisting or bending your wrist at all. Your left leg was covered by the blanket while your right leg laid on top of it, immobilized. The left one looked okay, besides a few bruises and cuts. It was the right one that was making you feel nauseous at just the sight of it.

It was wrapped up in surgical gauze from your hip to a bit past your knee, with different sorts of braces and casts keeping it still. It felt heavy, and you knew without even standing on it that walking would be impossible like this. The injuries were clearly very severe, despite you not being able to really feel any pain. You assumed that was the work of whatever medicine they had you on. Not that you cared about that right now.

Your eyes were wide after seeing the state your body was in, and you turned to look at your brother again, a question on your face. He was looking at you this time, and seeing your expression made his chin tremble and his eyes water. He looked away again, this time down at his lap. He took a breath, his whole body shaking as he did.

"I'm... so sorry." He whispered, wiping at his eyes with a hand covered by his sleeve.

"Wha-" You paused, swallowing and trying to push through the fire burning in your throat, "What h-happened?"

"You... Kasumi was driving you home, I think. And when you guys were passing through an intersection, this truck ran through a stop sign and hit her car."

So a car accident. Now that you thought about it, you sort of remembered the car ride. Kasumi's favorite song had come on the radio and she'd told you about when she went to the band's concert. She'd been in the car with you, which meant she'd been in the accident too. Where was she? Was she okay?

Panic quickly coursed through you again.

"Is she..." You trailed off, not really sure what to say, and even more scared to hear your brother's answer.

"She's okay. She had a few scrapes and bruises and a broken finger, but other than that she's good. She was already discharged, but she's in the waiting room. She wanted to see you before she went home."

You sighed in relief, closing your eyes for a second. Thank God she was okay. If something had happened, you didn't know what you would do.

"Kuroo is in the waiting room, too. They'd only let family in the room so he had to wait out there. He's really worried about you. He won't stop texting me asking for updates." Your brother added, and you turned your head to look at him. It warmed your heart that Kuroo was worried about you, but you couldn't bring yourself to think about that right now.

Kasumi had only a few minor injuries, and she'd already been discharged. How much worse off were you to be where you were right now?

"Wh-what's wrong with... me?" It still hurt to talk, and you desperately needed some water or something to help the pain, but you needed to know how bad it was first.

Right as Kenma opened his mouth to answer, the door to your room opened and a man in a lab coat walked in. He was holding a clipboard, scanning it as he moved towards you.

"Alright, y/n. It's good to see you're awake. How do you feel?" He asked, looking up to meet your eyes.

You didn't like doctors, or hospitals in general. You would've much preferred if this man hadn't come in and you got to hear the story from Kenma. But he was talking directly to you, and you didn't really see a way to get out of that.

"Fine." You replied, your voice getting more hoarse each time you used it.

"I'll get you some water for your throat in just a minute. I just want to ask you some questions first," He explained, sitting on a chair, "Are you feeling any pain or discomfort right now?"

Was this guy serious? You were basically trapped in a hospital bed, and you were well on your way to becoming a mummy with all the bandages you had on you. Of course you were fucking uncomfortable! "No, there's no pain right now."

"That's good. If there is, make sure to call for a nurse."

You nodded.

"Are you having any trouble with memory or speech?"

"No. I- I can't remember the accident, but other than that it's fine." You explained.

"It's totally normal to not remember the accident. It might come back with time, it might not. It depends." He told you, "It sounds like you're doing pretty well, all things considered. And, based on the circumstances, you're very lucky to be alive right now."

"What's wrong with me?" You asked, anxiety making your voice quieter than you'd meant it to be.

The doctor gave you a sympathetic smile, which clearly meant this wasn't a quick 'wear a brace for a couple weeks and then get back into the groove' type of thing. You felt your stomach drop.

"The truck hit the car on the passenger side, which is where you were sitting. That means you got the majority of the damage. Luckily, the truck wasn't speeding, so it wasn't as severe as it could have been. The impact affected your right side, mostly. You got a few minor cuts on your face, and one on your shoulder that's been stitched up. Your right wrist was fractured in three places, so we put it in a cast. It should be healed in about two months.

But the worst of it was your leg, because the door caved in when the car got hit and caught your leg. Part of your hip was broken, as well as your femur. Your knee was extremely damaged, as well. We did surgery, and fixed what we could. These injuries are going to take at least six months to heal, but I'm not sure your leg will ever get back to the way it was before."

Just like that, you felt like a cold fist had just grabbed your heart and squeezed. Six months? That would take up all your time before Nationals. How would you practice with it like that? Well, you supposed you could just avoid using your leg and work on sets alone without moving. But with your wrist being in a cast for two months, that meant you'd be completely useless for that long. God, this was going to be difficult.

You broke out of your thoughts, looking at the doctor, "When can I play volleyball again? I have Nationals coming up, I can't be out for very long."

The doctor had that sympathetic look again, but this time he didn't smile. He made eye contact with your brother, who in turn just looked like he was going to cry again and looked away from both of you. Something was wrong. There was something you hadn't been told yet, and it was bad.

"What is it?"

"Because of the severity of your leg injuries, I think you're going to have to... stop playing volleyball. Permanently."

The doctor's words were like a dagger in your heart. Stop playing volleyball? Permanently? No, no that wasn't right. You were taking your team to Nationals. You'd worked so hard, and it had finally paid off. You were going to play against top-level teams, be in the big leagues with your brother and friends.

This wasn't right. It couldn't be. This couldn't get taken away from you now, not after everything you did. It wasn't fair.

No.

No.

No. No. No. No. No.

No!

This wasn't true. It had to be a dream, or a prank. Kenma was getting back at you for all the times you teased him and took his games. You wouldn't even be mad at him for it, you just needed him to say it was fake. That you were okay and that you'd be back at practice on Monday.

The doctor and Kenma were talking to you, but you couldn't hear their words. You felt like you couldn't breathe, why was it so hot in here? Why were the lights so bright? Everything was too much, too close, too loud. God, why? Why you? You were a good person, you treated everyone with kindness. Why was this happening to you?

It hurt. Fuck, it hurt. Was this how it felt to die? You assumed it was as painful as this, because you couldn't think of anything being worse. What would you do now? What did you have for yourself other than volleyball? Nothing. You had nothing.

_You_ were _nothing._

The one thing that made you special was gone, and now you were just a girl with an injured leg. You wanted to die. You wanted this moment of pain to end, even if it meant permanently abandoning your life. At least you wouldn't have to see the face of a failure every time you looked in the mirror. Honestly, it would probably just be better if you were gone. You wouldn't be weighting anyone down.

You'd lost volleyball. It would only be a matter of time before you lost everything else too. Your friends were only your friends because of the sport, they'd leave once they realized you wouldn't be a part of it anymore. Your brother would continue playing and leave you behind, not wanting anything to hold him back. You would be alone, left with nothing.

You'd thought you had everything figured out. Things had been looking up. You were figuring out who you were, and chasing after what you wanted. But now, all of that came crashing down. You'd never felt more lost.

If you didn't have volleyball, who were you? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and here it is, the beginning of the angst. i just want to thank you guys for reading this, and i hope you enjoyed this chapter!! things are gonna get way more interesting from here, so i hope you stick around to find out what happens!! i'll update as soon as i can, so be on the lookout for that!! don't forget to comment and vote! have a great day :)
> 
> P.S. i know nothing about medical things so if any of this is wrong, my bad


	5. five

**_ idiot captains and their bffs (+ y/n) _ **   
  
  
  
  
  


**_ bokuto: _ **

**_y/n!! kuroo told us what happened! are you okay??_ **   
  
  


**_ suga: _ **

**_We're planning to visit soon! What can we bring you?_ **   
  
  


**_ oikawa: _ **

**_i can't believe this happened. you didn't deserve this, y/n-chan. i'm so sorry_ **   
  
  


**_ daichi: _ **

**_What's your favorite food? We'll bring it when we come see you_ **   
  
  


**_ iwaizumi: _ **

**_This was a shitty thing that happened, kid. I'm sorry. But we're here for you._ **   
  
  


**_ tendou: _ **

**_it's gonna be okay, wild girl! we're gonna fix this, i promise!_ **   
  
  


**_ akaashi: _ **

**_I know you must be struggling right now, y/n. I'm here if you want to talk about anything._ **   
  
  


**_ ushijima: _ **

**_I am sorry to hear about your accident._ **   
  
  
  
  
  


**_\- y/n has left the chat -_ **   
  
  
  
  
  


___________________  
  
  


Six days. That's how long you'd been in the hospital. How many days had passed since you lost all sense of who you were. Six days of laying in this damn bed and staring at the wall and talking to strangers who smelled like cleaning supplies and enduring the severe pain that came with your injuries. Not being able to do anything without having supervision or someone to help you. Nearly a week of wanting nothing more than to close your eyes and keep them closed.

You tried not to be this negative, for your brother's sake. He'd barely left your side since you'd woken up here, only stepping out when he had to and there was someone else to be with you. He was so worried for you, so desperate to make you okay, so you hid the anguish you were in the best you could. He knew how you felt, and you knew he knew, but you still tried. Because it seemed like the only thing you _could_ do in this situation.

Kasumi visited often, always spending the majority of the time apologizing and doing whatever she could to make up for what happened. You told her every single time that there was nothing to apologize for, and that you weren't upset. Which was true. It wasn't her fault that the truck hit you guys. You weren't mad at her. You were just glad she wasn't as bad off as you were. Honestly, you just wished she would stop coming.

It would be easier for you if you weren't constantly faced with someone who you used to be teammates with. Someone you'd never be teammates with again. It just hurt.

Kuroo was here almost as much as Kenma was, claiming he 'needed to support you guys and make sure this place stays fun'. He brought something with him every time he came, whether it be a game or a snack or some sort of craft. He even made sure to bring you and Kenma all the schoolwork you were missing so you didn't fail. He then helped you guys study so you understood it. He was being extremely kind and supportive, and it always helped you feel better. If only just a little.

The man himself was currently asleep on the couch in your room, head rested on Kenma's shoulder- who was playing a video game. _How shocking._ You sat up, careful not to use your right hand and put pressure on your injured wrist. The window behind Kenma and Kuroo was open, the cool evening breeze blowing into the room. You looked out at the view, watching the sun set in the distance and paint the sky with pastel colors. It was beautiful.

You'd always loved sunsets, especially since that meant the moon would be out soon. You were a night owl, just like your brother, which meant night time was your preferred time. It just felt better- looking up and seeing the moon instead of the sun. Being awake and active and _alive_ when most of the World was still. It felt like magic, experiencing how quiet everything was. You loved it the same way you loved volleyball.

A knock on the door broke you out of your thoughts, and you looked over towards the entry. Standing there, all huddled together in order to peek in, was Bokuto, Akaashi, Daichi, Suga, Oikawa, Iwaizumi, and Tendou. You blinked in surprise, watching as they all shuffled in and took up pretty much all the space in the small room. They all held something, giving you a tentative, almost nervous smile.

Bokuto stood there with a stuffed animal in each arm, and Akaashi stood next to him with a copy of what looked like your favorite anime. Next was Daichi, who carried a stack of new, soft-looking pajamas; Suga was after him, and he had a bag of food from your favorite restaurant. Oikawa held what you could only guess was a box of... decorations? Strange. Iwaizumi was beside him with some cases of your favorite drink, and Tendou took the last place, carrying at least ten volumes of Shonen Jump in one hand and a bouquet of your favorite flowers in the other.

"What are you guys doing here?" You asked. Part of you felt guilty to see them here, knowing that when they'd tried to help before you'd just ignored them and then left the chat. Now here they were, showing up with all your favorite things. If you weren't so happy to see them, you might've cried from how bad you felt.

"You'd have to be an idiot to think we wouldn't visit you just because you got bitchy and ignored us." Oikawa responded, rolling his eyes, "You're not getting rid of us that easily."

The comment made you smile, and you realized you had tears in your eyes. You'd been struggling so much lately, more than you let anyone know or even let yourself think about. Seeing your friends now, and seeing how much they cared, was like a breath of fresh air after years of living in smog.

Before you knew it, the tears were pouring down your cheeks and you couldn't hold back the little sniffles and sobs coming out of you. You'd spent so much time trying to keep it all in, hiding how hurt you were, and now you'd hit your breaking point. Bokuto and Suga were quick to hurry over and embrace you, and it wasn't long before the rest of them followed suit. There you were, laying in a hospital bed with a broken body, crying as you were hugged by seven people you'd tried to cut out of your life not long ago.

All your friends stayed there, holding tightly onto you until your crying slowed and your breathing got back to normal. Soon after, they all slowly let go and backed away again. None of them said anything, just giving you the time you needed to get yourself back under control. You sighed, wiping your eyes and blowing your nose with the tissue Kenma had handed you. Kuroo was awake now, watching you with sad eyes.

"I'm sorry, you guys. I've been a terrible friend." You murmured, making eye contact with each and every one of them, "I should've been more open to you wanting to help."

"Don't apologize, y/n-san." Daichi responded, smiling kindly, "You have every right to be struggling right now. We all understand. We're not upset, we just want to do what we can to help you."

They all mumbled their agreements to Daichi's words, and you smiled. You didn't know what you'd done to deserve these amazing friends, but you were so glad you'd done it. You had no idea where you'd be without them.

Not long after that, they all gave you the items they'd brought for you and found a spot to sit in the room in order to watch some of the anime and eat the food you decided to share with them. Bokuto and Akaashi were on the couch next to Kenma and Kuroo, Suga and Daichi were on the floor in front of your bed, Oikawa and Iwaizumi were sitting at the small table on the opposite side of the room from the couch, and Tendou was snuggled up next to you on the bed. All of you watched the small TV mounted on the wall, the familiarity of your favorite show playing and making your chest feel light. You'd divided up the food so everyone could have some, and passed out the drinks that Iwaizumi had brought. The room was filled with the sound of the TV or the quiet conversations of your friends, but you much preferred that over the silence or echo of beeping machines.

"Oh, I forgot to ask," You began, swallowing your bite of food and looking at Tendou, "Where's Ushijima? He's the only one in the group chat that's not here."

"He said he didn't want to come and make you uncomfortable, since the two of you aren't super close." Tendou explained, "So he stayed back at school. But the flowers are from him, he picked them out."

That surprised you. He hadn't come because he didn't want to make you uncomfortable, but he picked out flowers to give you? Your favorite flowers, at that. You'd never known Ushijima to be thoughtful like that, and it warmed your heart. A little piece of your preconceived notions of him being nothing but a cold, stoic athlete broke, giving light to a part of him you hadn't known existed.

"Wait, really? That was... really nice of him." You pursed your lips, "How did he know what my favorite flowers were, though? Did you tell him?"

Tendou shook his head, "I didn't say anything. He just picked those."

"Huh." Was all you could say, and the two of you turned your attention back to the show. You were slightly confused, because this was not behavior you'd ever expected from Ushijima. Yet, here you were, experiencing just that. It was puzzling, and you did not like things you couldn't figure out. You weren't sure why, but you felt like you needed to get to the bottom of this.

Before you knew it, visiting hours were over and all your friends had to leave. They gathered their things, said their goodbyes, and left the room. Kenma went after them, claiming he needed to ask them something, and Kuroo followed suit. Soon, it was just you and your empty room. For the first moment in quite some time, you were truly alone.

Without really thinking about it, you pulled out your phone. You scrolled through your contacts until you came upon the one you were thinking of, and pressed the call button. Holding the phone to your ear, you listened to the ringing, your heartrate picking up with each second that passed. You didn't know why you were doing this, you hadn't even planned it. This was stupid, you should just hang up now. Yeah, that was a good idea. You pulled the phone away from your ear, ready to press the 'end call' button, when you heard a click and then a deep "Hello?" from the other side of the call.

_Fuck._

Putting the phone back to your ear, you took a deep breath, "Ushijima?"

"Yes, I am Ushijima."

You closed your eyes, rubbing your forehead. This was so dumb, "It's y/n."

"Oh. Hello, y/n-san." He responded, still keeping the same monotone voice.

"Yeah, hi." You responded, laughing nervously, "Uh, I just wanted to call and, um, thank you. Tendou told me why you didn't come, and that you picked the flowers. I thought that was really nice."

"You're welcome. I thought it would be best to not add any more discomfort for you."

You bit your lip, suddenly feeling a pang of guilt. You didn't mean for him to feel like he made you uncomfortable, even if it was true. It wasn't like you had anything against him. You didn't, actually. He was a good friend to Tendou, and he was nice to look at, and he'd never done anything that made you think he was a bad person. It was just that he was... so quiet. It made you feel on edge, never knowing what he was thinking or feeling.

Still, now he thought that he shouldn't come around you because he made you uneasy. You felt really bad about that right now.

"You know, um, that's not exactly true." You slightly lied, "I just don't think I know you well enough. But we can change that, can't we? We can be friends. Tendou would really like that, I think."

He paused for a few seconds. "Really?"

"Yeah. I mean, why not? It's not like I have much better to do these days. Why not make some new friends?"

"Hm. Alright." Was all he said, and then the line was silent.

He clearly wasn't going to make this easy.

"So... we're friends then." You commented.

"Yes."

"Cool, okay. Well, I gotta go. Thank you for the flowers, Ushijima. I'll talk to you later."

"Of course," He responded, "Good night, y/n-san."

"Good night." You hung up the phone and dropped it on your lap, covering your face with your hands. 'We're friends now'? What the fuck was that? Did you just lose all your brain cells as soon as you started talking to him? God, you were an idiot.

But hey, at least you were making progress with him. That had to count for something, right?   
  
  


___________________  
  
  


Apparently, your asshole brother had gone behind your back and set up a schedule with your friends so you always had someone with you. He had to go to school, and he had volleyball practice, which meant he wouldn't always be there. Which worried him, so he turned to your friends and asked for help. In turn, they were literally assigned times to hang out with you. There wasn't much they could do for school hours, considering everyone had to be there, but afternoons and weekends were filled with people visiting at certain times.

Bokuto and Akaashi were assigned Mondays, Oikawa and Iwaizumi on Tuesdays, Kasumi on Wednesdays, Tendou (and sometimes Ushijima) on Thursdays, Suga and Daichi on Fridays, and Kuroo on Saturdays. Kenma was there every spare moment he had, as well as Sundays. You literally always had someone there with you, besides school hours but you spent that time working on your own schoolwork so you didn't fail. It was difficult, but with the help of Kuroo and the internet, you managed.

Your wrist wasn't too bad these days, and you could almost move your arm freely without pain. Really, the only thing you were struggling with was your leg. You couldn't bend it, due to the damage to your knee and the different casts on it, and it drove you crazy. Walking was out of the question at this point, so unless you had someone to push you in a wheelchair you were stuck in this damn bed. Not only that, but you had to deal with the pain as well.

Apparently, having a shattered knee, broken femur, and slightly broken hip wasn't a great experience. You constantly hurt, whether it just be aching from being in the same position for so long, or pain as your bones tried to heal and adjust to the changes made during surgery, or just the pain from the injuries themselves. More often than not, you had to hold back tears at every slight shift you made. Even with the medicine, you still had several times when it felt unbearable and all you could do was sit there and try to take deep breaths. They had more serious stuff they could give you, but you refused. You hated how out-of-it it made you feel.

Besides, it wasn't even that bad. Sometimes. Sometimes, you could even have a conversation through it and wait until the pain passed.

Right now was not one of those times.

You'd accidentally tried to roll over when you were napping earlier, and your knee and hip had not stopped throbbing since. It felt like fire eating at your leg, and you had to keep reminding yourself to breathe through it. Thank God Kenma wasn't here right now, because you wouldn't have been able to put on a brave face for him through this. Then he'd just get worried, and you'd feel bad, and it would be a whole mess. It was much better for you to just sit here and try to get through this. Which you were doing, with your eyes squeezed shut and your hands clutching the sheets of the bed.

"It's okay, it's okay, it's okay," You whispered to yourself, taking a shaky breath, "It's just some pain. You're okay. You're alive. It'll pass. It's okay."

That's what you told yourself, but you knew you didn't believe it. Because it wasn't okay. You were sitting in a hospital bed, in too much pain to even think, while your team got ready to go to Nationals. A team you weren't even a part of anymore, and you never would be again. No, you had to give up what mattered most to you and trade it for a life of pain. You didn't even know if you'd be able to walk again.

How did this happen? How did your life turn into this?

Tears rolled down your cheeks, from both the physical and emotional pain you felt. This sucked. It really, majorly sucked. You weren't a perfect angel, sure, but you didn't think you'd done anything bad enough to deserve this. Had you? Was this some sort of karma because you were a shitty human and you needed to get your just-desserts?

Fuck. This was not doing well on your self-esteem. If you kept going on like this, you didn't think you'd be able to look at yourself in the mirror ever again. You wiped your eyes, despite the tears refusing to stop, and let out a shaky sob.

"Y/n-san?"

You dropped your hands from your face, turning your head towards the door. Ushijima stood there, a brown sack tucked under his arm. His brows were furrowed, an expression borderlining worry on his face.

It was Thursday. Tendou's day, and therefore the day Ushijima would sometimes tag along. Of course, of course he'd be here right now. Witness to your horrifying, embarrassing breakdown. If God or the Universe or whatever was merciful, you would've been struck dead on the spot. But alas, you were still sitting there, living and breathing.

"Oh, hey." You greeted, wiping your face, "Sorry, I uh- where's Tendou?"

"He was tasked with some extra schoolwork that's due tomorrow, so it's just me today." He explained, walking over and sitting in a chair by your bed, "Is that alright?"

"Oh, yeah. That's fine. You didn't have to come, though. I'd be fine by myself for a night."

"It didn't look like it. You were crying when I walked in." He set the bag he'd been carrying down on the small table next to him, "Besides, I wanted to come."

"Oh." Still straightforward as ever, you saw. But that last part. _He wanted to come?_

"Why were you crying?"

Well, that was a nice question. One you absolutely _did not_ want to answer. What, were you supposed to tell this person you were newly friends with that you were suffering from crushing devastation and terrible self-loathing? No. He'd probably never talk to you again, or suggest you check into a mental ward. Either way, you didn't like the outcome.

"Um. My-my leg hurts. I kinda... let it overtake me for a second." It wasn't a total lie, it was just an explanation that omitted a bit of the truth.

His brows furrowed again, and the worry was more evident in his features this time, "Should I call a nurse?"

"No, no. It's okay. I'm okay now." Another lie. You were pretty sure getting shot would hurt less than this, "What did you bring with you?" You gestured to the bag.

"Oh. This is some food for you, as well as a sweatshirt and stuffed animal from Tendou." He pulled the stuff out as he spoke, setting it all out on the table, "I also brought cards, I thought we could play that game we played at Tendou's surprise party again."

"Oh, yeah. That was fun." You replied, "Thank you. That was really thoughtful of you."

"You're welcome. Tendou told me that the key to you getting better is to be comfortable."

You laughed lightly, nodding, "Well, I guess he's right. In a way."

His expression changed ever so slightly, almost like he was on the verge of a smile. "So, would you like to play?"

It had been a couple weeks since you had that phone call with Ushiima, declaring the two of you as friends. Since then, he'd hung around you exponentially more than he had before, and the two of you slowly started to warm up to each other. He wasn't exactly an easy communicator, but he was kind and he always tried to make sure you were okay. He asked you questions in order to know you better, even if his answers to the same questions left something to be desired. Ushijima was quiet but kind, he was strong and patient, and you wondered how you'd ever thought the cold volleyball player was all there was to him.

He was gradually becoming one of your closest friends, and you couldn't help but feel lucky to be able to see who he truly was.

"I'd love to." You smiled, and he began setting up the game.

Your afternoon was taken up by him, playing games and telling stories and eating. And for awhile, the pain in your leg was forgotten. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! hope you enjoyed this chapter!! sorry it took me awhile to get it out, i've been busy! but i think i'm gonna try to post on wednesdays and saturdays, so i have some sort of schedule and can get things in order. anyways, what did you think of this chapter?? ushijima is going to be in the story a lot more starting now, so be excited for that! i'll do my best to get the next chapter out by wednesday!! thanks for reading!
> 
> P.S., thanks to sofiszuko, i'm going to be writing an akaashi x reader story, so if you're interested in that please be on the lookout for it! i'll try to have the first chapter out by the end of the week!! that's it! have a good day :)


	6. six

"You're distracted today." Kenma commented, pushing your wheelchair along one of the paths outside the hospital. The cold morning air blew through you, and you shivered as you pulled your blanket tighter to your body, "What are you thinking about?"

You pursed your lips, pretending to think about your brother's question. You knew what you'd been thinking about, but you didn't want to admit what it was to your twin. Honestly, the same thing had been on your mind since late last night and all this morning. You'd gotten news from the doctor yesterday that you'd be able to get your arm cast off soon, and out of excitement you'd texted Tendou about it. Not three minutes later, you got a congratulations text with a lot of exclamation marks, and a picture.

In the picture was Tendou, sitting on the bottom bunk of his dorm room next to a _very_ sleepy Ushijima. It looked like he'd just been woken up, based on the way his hair was messed up and the bedsheets were covering his legs. His eyes were squinted like he was still trying to get used to being conscious, and he was looking at the camera with a slightly confused expression on his face. Ushijima just had a plain t-shirt on, showing off his arms, which was one of your favorite things in the world at this point. Both him and Tendou held a thumbs up in the picture, Tendou showing his off with a big grin.

You didn't hesitate to save that picture to your gallery.

So, yeah, you'd spent all morning thinking about sleepy Ushijima. To be fair, it was an amazing sight that could be compared to those Greek statues. Could anyone really blame you? Yes, you and Ushijima were friends, and you cherished that friendship. But you also knew that he was insanely attractive, enough to make your head spin sometimes.

But you couldn't tell Kenma that. You would rather die than tell your slightly-older brother about the kinda-crush you had on your friend. He would have infinite power over you if he knew that, and you weren't willing to give that to him. So you'd have to lie. Even though he would know you were lying, you couldn't help but hope he let it slide.

"Oh, I was just... thinking about how I'm getting my cast off. It'll be nice to have full movement of both my arms again." You explained, keeping your face forward and _not_ towards your brother, whose eyes you could feel were trained on the back of your head.

"Liar." Was all he said, and then he continued pushing your wheelchair on in silence.

"No, I'm not!" You shot back, but it was futile. You couldn't lie to Kenma, no matter how much you wanted to sometimes.

He gave you a look, and all you could do was huff and cross your arms in annoyance. It made him laugh a little, and he playfully nudged your shoulder. You ignored him, staring at the sidewalk. You had a love-hate relationship with this wheelchair, which made things difficult at times. Because on the one hand, it meant that you could sort of be up and moving and not stuck in your bed. But on the other hand, it meant you needed someone there to push you, and it wasn't easy on your injured hip. Every slight bump sent a jolt of pain through you, and you ended up squeezing the armrests so tight that you had bruises.

Still, it was nice to be able to breathe fresh air and see something other than the four white walls of your hospital room. You were kind of going crazy, and you just needed your leg to heal so you could get out of there. Then things could get back to normal. Well, as normal as your life could be without volleyball. You weren't exactly sure what that looked like, yet.

Your phone buzzed in your lap, breaking you out of your thoughts. You picked it up, giving a quick glance at the ID before answering the call.

"Hello?"

"Hello, y/n. How are you?"

You laughed a little at the formality, but responded, "I'm doing fine, Ushijima. How are you?"

"I'm alright, thank you. Do you like cookies?"

You blinked, feeling a little like you had whiplash, "Huh?"

"Do you like cookies? Tendou made cookies, and I thought you might like some. He told me you like sweets." He explained.

"Oh, uh. Yeah, I do. But you don't need to get any for me. I'm okay." You hurriedly told him, not wanting him to have to go out of his way just for you.

"But you said you liked cookies. Don't you want some?" Ushijima asked, clear confusion in his voice.

"I don't want you to have to have to put in any extra effort just for me. I can live without cookies, so don't worry about it."

"I was already planning on coming to visit you today, though."

You paused. _What?_

It was Sunday, Kenma's assigned day. Definitely not Thursday, the day Ushijima was sort of assigned to with Tendou. So why would he come today? Your friends didn't really come on days they weren't assigned to, because they didn't have the time or they knew you had other people you were spending time with. So why the fuck was Ushijima planning to come see you on a day when he wasn't supposed to?

"What? Why?" You asked.

"We had a practice today, but it got canceled because the coach had an emergency. And I find that I like spending time with you, so I thought I'd do that today." He said the words so matter-of-factly, like they didn't just make your stomach do a somersault.

He had free time, and his first thought was to come spend time with you? _You?_ Ushijima Wakatoshi, the probably sexiest man alive, an unstoppable force on the volleyball court, wanted to spend time with you. Holy shit. You were spiraling right now, one of those 'the dude I kind of have a crush on wants to hang out with me and I have no idea how I got to this situation' spirals. Were those common for most people?

It took you an embarrassingly long time to realize he was probably waiting for you to respond, and you were sitting there like a fucking comatose patient thinking about the way his eyes shine in the sun. Why were you the stupidest person alive?

"Oh. Is, uh... Tendou coming?" _No!_ Why the hell did you say that? You had a chance for some one-on-one time with him, and you were ruining it because you had to open your mouth. You were tempted to ask Kenma to dump you out of this wheelchair and leave you to die right here.

"No. I didn't ask him if he wanted to join me." He replied, a little hesitant, "Do you want me to?"

"No, no. That's okay. I-" _Shut up, shut up, shut up._ "I'm happy just seeing you."

You physically facepalmed at that one, and you heard your brother stifle a laugh behind you. If only that truck would've just taken your life instead of your leg.

"Good, then." He responded, and if you weren't suspicious that he was incapable, you would've thought you could hear a smile in his voice, "I plan on coming later this afternoon. And I'll bring you the cookies."

"Okay, sounds good. I'll see you then."

"Yes. Goodbye, y/n."

"Bye, Ushijima."

He hung up after that, and you dropped your phone in your lap with a groan. You were pathetic. One pretty dude says he wants to hang out with you and suddenly your brain stops working. Being attracted to men was so tiring sometimes.

"I couldn't even hear what he said, but your side of the call was enough for me to know that you're an idiot." Kenma commented, and you didn't have to look at him to know he was smiling.

"Shut up." You grumbled, ready to hit him if he said anything else. Which he did.

"So, when were you going to tell me you were in love with Ushijima?"

Even though his voice showed he was joking, your face immediately heated up, "I-I'm not! I barely know him. Don't be stupid."

Your brother laughed lightly, patting your head, "I hope the two of you are happy together."

You glared at the sidewalk since you couldn't turn around and glare at him, arms crossed, "I should've eaten you in the womb."   
  
  


___________________  
  
  


True to his word, Ushijima showed up a few hours later with a bag of cookies. Kenma _conveniently_ had somewhere to go, so he'd left shortly after. Which meant you and Ushijima were alone. He sat next to your bed, silently watching you as you ate one of the cookies. Like that wasn't extremely awkward.

You swallowed, turning to face him and meeting his eyes. They were so pretty it was unfair. This beautiful shade of green that glowed in the light. His eyes were thoughtful, deep, like he always had a secret hiding behind them. If you were to take your idiotic brother's words seriously and love any part of Ushijima, it would be his eyes.

You realized you'd been staring for awhile when he spoke, breaking you out of your trancelike state, "Are you okay?"

You averted your gaze, looking at the cookie in your hand to try to hide your reddening face. Idiot. Why did you become so stupid every time he came around? "Uh, yeah. Sorry. I was just-" You turned to look at him again once you felt like you'd gotten yourself under control, "You're really quiet."

It wasn't a question, but he nodded. "Yes."

"Why?"

Your question clearly took him by surprise, and he furrowed his brows in thought. Then, after a minute, he hesitantly gave a reply, "I think I just... don't have anything to say that people want to listen to."

Ouch. Did he really feel that way? That people just preferred him being around to listen and not speak?

"Ushijima..." You said softly, and he looked at you. Your face must've shown some sort of sadness at his words, because immediately his expression turned to one similar to guilt. You quickly continued speaking, hoping to clear up any thoughts that you might be upset with him, "I'm sorry you feel that way. Really. I wish you would've said something sooner. I hope you know that I don't feel that way. I love spending time with you, and I love it even more when you talk. I want to listen, no matter what it is you're saying. And I know Tendou feels that way, too. That's at least two people that want to hear what you have to say."

He looked away, lost in thought for a moment. Then he turned back to you with a look of hopefulness, like you'd just given him the key to something he'd searched so long for, "You really like it when I talk?"

You replied without hesitation, nodding, "Absolutely. Everything you say is so interesting to me."

The corner of his mouth slightly twitched up, and he looked down for a second before turning his attention back to you. "Okay, then. I'll try to talk more."

You smiled, feeling much better now that you'd been able to help him, "Sounds good to me."

The two of you continued quiet conversation for a little while after that, eating cookies and sharing volleyball stories. While it hurt you to reminisce on the past and think about what you had to give up now, it felt sort of good to think of all the great times you had. Especially when you were talking with someone who loved the sport as much as you did. He didn't pity you, either, which made it even better. There were no sad looks or sympathetic comments. He treated you the same as he would've before the accident, and that meant so much to you.

After awhile, you got an idea. You looked at Ushijima, who was eating a cookie, "Do you want to go for a walk? I want to show you something."

He nodded, "Okay."

"Uh, you'll have to push me in the wheelchair, though. Since I can't walk. Is that okay?"

"Yes, that's fine." He responded, already out of his seat and grabbing the wheelchair from the corner of the room.

You sat up and pushed the blankets off yourself, preparing to move, "You'll have to go get a nurse to help me get into the- whoa!"

Before you could even finish your sentence, Ushijima picked you up out of the bed, his strong arms cradling you with a gentleness you didn't know was possible. Slowly, he placed you into the wheelchair, careful to avoid your injured leg if he could. Once you were seated, he still didn't let go, hands resting on your waist and his face mere inches from yours. Your heart was beating out of your chest, and you were pretty sure if he didn't back away soon you'd pass out. An attractive man was in your personal space, with his hands on your waist, and his face much closer than it needed to be. Your skin was still burning from the feeling of his arms around you, like the memory was permanently etched into your being.

You realized he was talking, and you had not registered a single bit of it.

You blinked, shaking your head a little, "What?"

"I asked if I hurt you when I picked you up. I tried to be as careful as I could."

Fuck. He was too close and too kind and too perfect, you were going to die in this wheelchair right here and now like some elderly woman who doesn't remember her own name.

"Uh. No. I'm fine." You replied, pretty much using up the last of your brain power for those four words.

"Good." He pulled away then, and you were finally able to take an actual breath. Ushijima moved behind the wheelchair, ready to take it wherever you were going, "Tell me where to go."

"To the elevator, first." You said, "Since I can't take the stairs like this."

The two of you went on your way, and you led him to the roof that you probably weren't allowed to be on. You'd started coming up here a little bit ago, forcing Kenma or whoever you were with to sneak you up there. You loved being able to look up at the sky and breathe the outside air, be surrounded by city noises instead of machines beeping and doctors talking. This was your sanctuary while you were stuck in this hospital, the one place you had where you could feel somewhat whole again. And for some reason, you wanted to share that with Ushijima.

"What are we doing on the roof?" He asked, wheeling you closer to the half-wall going around the edges.

"I, uh, well. Sometimes I really have a hard time. You know, with the pain and the... saying goodbye to volleyball and all that. But I come up here and just look at the sky and breathe, and let myself calm down. It makes me feel better."

"Oh, are you having a hard time now? Is that why?"

"No, no, that's not it." You explained, shaking your head, "I actually feel... pretty good right now. I just wanted to share this place with you."

"Why? If I was feeling overwhelmed, why would I come all the way here to stand on this roof?" Well. Good to see he was still as frank as ever.

You rolled your eyes, shaking your head, "I didn't mean it literally. I just... you were vulnerable with me when you told me why you don't talk. I thought it was only fair that I show you a vulnerable part of myself, too. To show that I struggle, too. And that it's okay."

"Oh. That's very nice."

You smiled. "I'm glad you think so."

He stopped your wheelchair in front of the wall, then moved to sit down against it and face you. Ushijima sat cross-legged, elbows rested on his knees, and turned his head to look at you.

"Does it hurt a lot?" He asked.

"What, my leg?"

He nodded.

You pursed your lips, unsure of how to explain it without it seeming like you were trying to get pity, and not lying about it either. Finally, you settled on, "Sometimes."

"How often is 'sometimes'?" It was clear he wasn't going to give up on this topic that easily. You wouldn't get out of this without giving up an answer he was satisfied with. So, much to your dismay, you'd have to be truthful about it.

You looked down at your lap, fiddling with your hands, "Pretty much all the time."

He was quiet after that, and you forced yourself to look at him. You immediately wished you hadn't. His eyes were on you, and they had a sadness in them that could've rivaled what you felt in your chest. You did that to him. You made him feel that sadness, all because you had to be honest. You looked away again, tears welling in your eyes.

"I'm sorry." You whispered, wiping the tears before they had a chance to fall. Why did you always have to do this? Why did you always have to fuck up and ruin things? Why'd you have to hurt your friends and be selfish and make everything about you? God, you deserved to be alone. You didn't deserve having these amazing people in your life, when you'd probably just end up hurting them.

"Y/n."

You looked up, only to find Ushijima right in front of you, as close as he'd been in the hospital room after he put you in the wheelchair. You leaned back, purely out of shock at the lack of proximity, sniffling. You expected him to say something, to tell you that you were being ridiculous or that you needed to get your emotions under control, but no. The two of you stayed in silence, staring at each other as the rest of the World went on around you. His eyes were still sad, but there was determination in them now that wasn't there before.

Then, finally, he moved. He wrapped his arms around you and pulled you close, hugging you tightly to him. All the air left your lungs, and you froze. Out of all the things he could've done, you didn't expect this. Ushijima, hugging you? Unheard of. But yet, here you were. Sitting on a roof, held in his arms while the moon shone above you.

Something in you broke, and you collapsed into him, wrapping your arms around his neck. This was the best comfort you'd gotten since the accident, and he didn't even say anything to you. You didn't know why, but somehow Ushijima just knew what you needed and did his best to give it to you. You were eternally grateful to him for this, even though you knew you'd look back on it and feel pathetic at your behavior. But right now, you felt like everything had fallen into place.

And maybe, just maybe, that little crush you had on Ushijima turned into something more. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's thursday and not wednesday. that's my bad. i had a ton of homework to do yesterday, so i had no time to write. i'll do better in the future, i promise. anyways, i hope you guys liked this chapter. i spoiled y'all with ushijima content this time, so you're welcome. i'll try to have the next chapter up by saturday!! thanks for reading! 
> 
> also this chapter goes out to sofi and nivin ily queens


	7. seven

You'd had Ushijima's birthday in your calendar since before the two of you were actually friends. You'd simply done it because he was close with Tendou, and you wanted to be respectful and at least wish him a happy birthday when the day came. But now that the two of you were growing closer, knowing his birthday was around the corner took on a whole new meaning. Now you had an obligation to do something special for him, because you wouldn't accept anything less from yourself. The problem was, you barely left this hospital room. Which drastically lowered your options.

You'd been in here for a little over a month now, which was crazy to you. Just five weeks ago, you'd been celebrating your opportunity to go to Nationals. Now, you couldn't remember what it felt like to stand on your own two feet. You tried not to think about it, because if you did you would break down, and you didn't want to do that in front of any of the people that spent time around you. So you distracted yourself with anything you could, not giving yourself the chance to work through what had happened to you.

Right now, that distraction was figuring out what to do for Ushijima's birthday.

"What kind of things do you get for your friends' birthdays?" You asked Oikawa, who was sitting in a chair by your bed with his legs propped up on the mattress. It was his day to hang out with you, along with Iwaizumi, who was out getting food for the three of you in order to avoid the gross hospital stuff.

"That depends. I have different tiers of friends," He mused, tilting his head to look at you, "First there's acquaintances, then fans, then friends, then teammates, then Iwa-chan. Which tier is this friend of yours?"

You furrowed your brows, thinking for a second. How important was Ushijima to you? How close were you to him, in the grand scheme of things? On the one hand, it'd only been a few weeks since the two of you decided to be friends, and his personality made that challenging at times. On the other hand, he'd opened up to you and seen a rare moment of your vulnerability. You found yourself thinking about him a lot on the daily, texting him just so you could talk to him or thinking of things to do when he visited. In a relatively short time, he'd become a very prevalent part of your life.

With an air of finality, you turned to Oikawa and spoke, "Iwaizumi tier."

Oikawa's eyes widened, and he sat straight up, putting his feet back down on the ground. He grabbed your hands, stopping you from continuing writing down ideas for birthday gifts and making sure all of your attention was on him.

"Who is this friend of yours?" He asked, eyes earnest, like this was the most important thing in the World. Now you were getting worried. Had you said something wrong?

"Uh..." You blinked, very confused by the sudden change in attitude, "Ushijima?"

Immediately, Oikawa let go of your hands and recoiled like he'd been shot. His face was grimaced, as if he was physically dying. "Ushijima? Really? Oh my God, y/n. I thought you had taste."

"Wait, what? Taste? What the hell is going on?"

Oikawa gave you a deadpanned look, though there was still stress in his expression, "You do realize I'm, like, in love with Iwa-chan, right?"

You blinked. This was taking a weird turn. "Well, yeah, I was pretty sure. You're pretty open about it."

"Exactly," He replied, "So if Ushijima is your Iwa-chan, then that means..." He trailed off, waiting for you to put the pieces together.

What the hell was he trying to-?

Oh.

Oikawa loved Iwaizumi, and you compared Ushijima to him in terms of closeness.

Oikawa took that as you saying you were in love with Ushijima.

"Wait! That's not- I didn't mean it like that!" You exclaimed, "I'm just saying that he's a really good friend, okay? I don't- that's not it."

He was covering his face with his hands now, and he separated two of his fingers to peek at you through them, "Don't lie. You've got the hots for-" He fake gagged, " _Ushijima_ , just admit it. I'm pretty sure my heart is broken now."

"You're so dramatic, I don't know why Iwaizumi puts up with you." You rolled your eyes, throwing a pillow at him. Honestly, you were just trying to avoid the current subject matter. Your feelings towards Ushijima were... messy, and discussing them with Oikawa would not help. As much as you loved him, he was absolutely extra all the time, and his dislike for Ushijima wouldn't help.

"At least I don't have a thing for a man who's probably never felt an emotion in his life." Oikawa huffed, throwing the pillow back at you. You caught it, but your friend's words made you pause. That wasn't true, you knew that. Ushijima felt all the emotions other people did, maybe even more. Just because he wasn't as open about them didn't mean they weren't there. Plus, if Oikawa knew him like you did, he'd be able to tell. Ushijima showed what he felt in his eyes, as vivid and real as anything.

"He's not like that." You muttered, pretending to continue your list so you didn't have to look at the setter next to you.

"Damn. You've got it bad, don't you?"

You didn't know how to answer that. To be honest, you knew your feelings for Ushijima ran deeper than just friendship, but you didn't know how far they went or what they meant. Plus, the chance that he'd ever like you back was slim to none, so what was the point? Nursing false hope would just hurt you in the end, and you didn't need any more pain right now.

Even if Ushijima did like you back, you couldn't do that to him. Though you knew your leg would heal and you'd be back to living life one day, you were aware that your life would never be the same. You'd lost what made you valuable, your talent for volleyball. Now you were just a sad little girl in a broken body, without a purpose. Not the type of person that was fit to be at the side of someone like Ushijima.

Really, it was hopeless. Like everything in your life seemed to be these days.

Lucky for you, Iwaizumi came back just then, and you didn't have to give Oikawa a response. The topic was forgotten as the three of you ate and talked about different things going on in life, continuing until visiting hours were over and they had to leave. You still weren't alone, though, because Kenma had returned from practice and would be there all night. He almost always spent the night at the hospital with you, not wanting to go home to an empty house and leave you in this bland room you saw too much of. The two of you just felt better when you were together.

Kenma was sleeping on the couch now, tired out from practice. You, on the other hand, were wide awake. Like a lot of the time these days, you were thinking about Ushijima. He was such an amazing person, more than you ever could have thought. And to think that you used to think he was boring and had no depth. How stupid you'd been.

Ushijima was extremely kind when others would see him as cold and distant. He got you flowers even when you weren't friends, and didn't come to visit with his friend because he thought it'd make you uncomfortable. He took you up to the roof whenever you wanted and listened to everything you had to say, completely open. When you'd been breaking down, he'd held you until you felt better, and didn't say anything about the rather embarrassing incident. He cared so much it was crazy, it just wasn't in a way that was easy to see by people who didn't know him.

Tendou and Kenma were the people closest to you in life, one being like a brother to you and the other being your actual brother. You had a bond with each of them that rivaled any other relationship you could have with anyone else. You'd thought it would always be that way, that you'd never find someone else you could care about that much. Yes, you loved all of your other friends dearly, and would do anything for them, but it wasn't the same. Some people were just meant to be more to you than others.

So you'd thought it would just be Kenma and Tendou, and you were okay with that. But then Ushijima had come into your life, in a time when so much was already changing, and you found yourself clinging to someone else. He somehow had a way to get under your skin in every right way, until you couldn't remember what your life had been without him. It had only been a few weeks, and yet he'd already grown so much on you. You needed him like you needed Kenma and Tendou, but in a different way.

Your phone screen lit up, breaking you out of your thoughts, and you glanced at it.   
  
  


**_ ushijima: _ **

**_Tendou told me that you have been experiencing more severe pain lately. Are you alright? Have you talked to your doctor about it?_ **   
  
  


**_ ushijima: _ **

**_Your health is very important. I hope you're taking care of yourself._ **   
  
  


The messages made you feel warm, and you found yourself smiling at the device in your hand. He really did care so much, and it made you feel honored that some of that care was directed at you.   
  
  


**_ you: _ **

**_i was planning on talking about it with him tomorrow, so don't worry. i'll be fine. thank you for the concern. it means a lot_ **   
  
  


You set the phone down on the little table by your bed, laying back on the bed and pulling the blankets up over you. The quick text interaction had you feeling giddy, and you wondered if you'd be able to go to sleep at all tonight. Right now, your mind and heart were racing a million miles a minute, nowhere near relaxed enough to sleep. All because of a text from Ushijima. That was really bizarre, if you thought about it for more than a few seconds.

_Damn. You've got it bad, don't you?_

Oikawa's words from earlier echoed in your head, and you bit your lip. He was right.

You had it bad. You really, really did.   
  
  


___________________  
  
  


Thursday was quickly becoming your favorite day of the week. The knowledge that Ushijima and Tendou would be here made the day infinitely better, no matter what other things you had going on. Those two were the best company you had, no offense to your brother and other friends- they were amazing and you cherished them, always entertaining you with the fact that they got along so well despite the contrasting personalities. It was such an interesting thing to watch, more so than any anime you'd ever seen. Overall, you just looked forward to Thursdays.

So when Tendou walked in that afternoon, your body immediately jolted in excitement. When he wasn't followed by Ushijima, though, you deflated a little. Which you felt bad for, because Tendou was such a good friend and he didn't deserve to deal with disappointed you just because his best friend didn't come with him.

"Behold! I am here." He exclaimed, taking a dramatic bow, "Is your day so much better now?"

"It always is with you," You laughed, "Is Ushijima not coming today?"

"Nope. He had some school thing to do, so he couldn't make it." Tendou plopped down on the bed next to you, forcing you to scoot over to make room for him, "He said he was sorry and that he'd visit soon to make up for it."

"Oh, he doesn't have to do that." You waved your hand, as if you could physically fan the words away, "I understand having obligations. He doesn't have anything to make up for."

"Tell him that. He was pretty bummed that he couldn't come see you."

Your heart skipped a beat, and you gripped the blanket to try to keep calm. "Really?"

"Yep. He likes you a lot, maybe even more than me." Tendou nudged your shoulder with his, "Selfish friend stealer."

"Hey, I didn't steal anything!" You shot back, giving him a nudge in return, "Plus, that's not even true. He's known you way longer, and you see him a lot more than I do."

"Just because I see him more doesn't mean anything. Besides, he likes you in a different way."

You frowned, turning to meet your best friend's eyes, "What do you mean?"

Tendou raised an eyebrow at you, giving you a look like you were oblivious or something. "You seriously don't know? It's not that hard to see."

"What are you talking about? What's not hard to see?"

He laughed, shaking his head and averting his eyes from you. "You know what, I'm not gonna tell you. You can figure it out on your own."

"Wha- hey, that's not fair! Just tell me." You demanded, lightly smacking his arm.

"Nuh-uh. If you haven't noticed, you don't deserve to know. You're on your own, wild girl."

You huffed, turning away and crossing your arms in a very dramatic way. You had no idea what he was talking about, and it pissed you off that he wouldn't tell you. You hated being left out of things, it was the worst feeling in the World. Tendou knew that, and yet he still kept his mouth shut for probably the first time in his life. Asshole.

"Oh, come on, don't be mad. I came here to hang out with you, not to sit here while you're all pouty." Tendou whined, wrapping his hand around your bicep.

You glared at him, keeping your mouth shut and arms crossed. While you weren't even really mad, you were too stubborn to just give up this easily. You'd have to stick it out for awhile. Even if you didn't want to, and Tendou didn't deserve it. It was just the way you were.

"Fine." He sighed, looking away, "I was going to sneak you out of the hospital and take you out, but I guess not. Since you're too busy being upset."

You turned to him, dropping your act, "Wait, what?"

He met your eyes, a grin spreading across his face, "Yep. I'm breaking you out for the night."

"How are you going to do that? And where are you taking me?"

"Well, if you're mad at me, then-"

"I'm not! I'm not, I promise. Tell me how you're getting me out of here. Please." You begged, grabbing his shoulder.

"Hm." Tendou tilted his head, pretending to be lost in thought, "Maybe if you give me an apology and say I'm the greatest best friend in the World."

You rolled your eyes. At least he was as dramatic as you were. "I'm sorry for what I did, please forgive me. And believe me when I say you _are_ the greatest best friend in the World."

"That's more like it," He beamed, patting your head, "Now. I'm taking you out of here, and we're going shopping for Wakatoshi's birthday."

"I was actually going to ask you about that! We're doing something special for him, right?"

"Of course we are. I wouldn't be me if I didn't do something dramatic for his birthday."

You narrowed your eyes, "I said special, not dramatic. I want him to have fun, not be overwhelmed."

"He _is_ gonna have fun! I promise. I wouldn't allow anything else."

You huffed, "Fine. But I have to agree to whatever you have planned before you actually do it. Deal?"

"You really care about Wakatoshi-kun, don't you?" He asked, a smug look on his face.

"Yeah, I do. He's a good friend. The least I can do is make sure he enjoys his birthday."

"Yeah, yeah. I get it."

Not long after that, Tendou snuck you out of the hospital in your wheelchair. It was frighteningly easy to get out, and you wondered if the security didn't need some checking on. Still, it felt so nice to be out of that hospital that you couldn't even complain. Even if Tendou was a terrible wheelchair pusher and you constantly went over bumps, sending your leg into sporadic bouts of pain. He apologized every time, though, and you could tell he was trying.

"So, what are your plans for his birthday?" You asked, turning back to look at your best friend as he pushed you down the street.

"I know he doesn't like flashy things, so I was thinking something simple. Boring, but he'll probably like it. Like, just dinner and a little party with the team. He'd want you there, too, of course."

"That actually sounds pretty nice. I think he'd like that." You smiled, "I'll help you plan it. I don't know about me being there, though. I can't really leave the hospital. This is an exception."

"We'll work around that." Tendou told you, and you could tell he already had a plan forming. You just hoped it wasn't too crazy.

You and Tendou spent a few hours shopping and gathering things for Ushijima's party, and you ended up getting your gift for him while you were out. Though that was only the first part; you had something else you wanted to give him, but it wasn't something you could buy. Soon after that, you had to return to the hospital. You'd received an extremely distraught text from Kenma, who had not been happy to arrive only to find your room empty. You'd decided it was time to quit pushing your luck, so the two of you went back.

You spent the rest of your night, after receiving a lecture from Kenma about not pulling something like this again, working on your gift for Ushijima. Tendou left to make his own preparations, promising to text you about party details soon. He'd given you his word that he'd keep it low key, and you were trusting he'd keep it that way. You knew Ushijima would like it best if it were simple.

When you'd finally decided it was time to put it up for the night, you checked your phone before actually committing to the whole sleep idea. There was a text from Ushijima you'd gotten a couple hours ago, and you mentally kicked yourself for not paying more attention. He was probably asleep now, so he wouldn't get your response until morning. You hoped he didn't think you'd been ignoring him. You'd been too busy working on _his_ birthday present, so that of course was not the case. Not that he knew that.

You opened the message, shutting your annoying brain up.   
  
  


**_ ushijima: _ **

**_I'm sorry that I wasn't able to visit you today, I will try to come visit soon. I hope you're doing well._ **   
  
  


**_ ushijima: _ **

**_For some reason, Thursdays feel strange when I don't see you._ **   
  
  


You inhaled shakily, clutching the phone as you read the message over and over again, trying to process the words. While it could've been taken as flirty, you knew that wasn't the case here. Ushijima was too literal- he genuinely just thought his day felt off just because he didn't see you. But that in itself was enough to have you biting back a smile and trying not to squeal like a little girl. Seriously, what was this man doing to you? You were losing all your dignity.

You took a measured breath and calmed yourself down, typing out your response. You read it over a couple times to make sure it sounded good before pressing send. Then you put the phone back down on the table and laid back against your pillows.

You knew it was hopeless. You knew that someone like you could never even dream about being with someone like him. He was a volleyball superstar, and probably the most attractive man you'd ever seen. He had the World's eyes on him, and you knew that he'd make it big. You, on the other hand, were nothing. You were an average girl with average looks, who had nothing to look forward to. It was ridiculous to even entertain the idea.

Yet, you still did it. You thought about him in a way you shouldn't. You wondered how it would feel to be by his side, to call him yours. You fantasized about holding his hand, about falling asleep in his arms, about kissing him. All the things you'd never have.

It hurt, but you couldn't stop. In such a short amount of time, he had completely taken over and permanently settled himself in your heart. You'd remember him, long after you were out of this hospital and he forgot about you as he went after the things he wanted in life. You'd see him on TV, playing on big stages in front of thousands of people, and you'd remember the boy who got you flowers and hugged you on the roof of the hospital. He wouldn't give you a second thought.

So why? Why couldn't you get him out of your head?

Your phone buzzed on the table next to you, breaking you out of your depressing thoughts. You looked at it, expecting it to be an email or something, only to see your phone lit up with Ushijima's caller ID. You scrambled to grab the phone, answering the call and holding it to your ear.

"Hello?" You asked, voice quiet in order to not wake Kenma, who was asleep on the couch.

"Hello. I hope I'm not disrupting you, I know it's late." Came Ushijima's reply, and his voice soothed all the worries inside of you. You were pretty sure you'd never need therapy if you could just hear that voice every day.

"No, not at all. I was just sitting here. What's up?"

"I was wondering something, and you always give good advice, so I thought I'd ask you."

Ushijima asking you for advice? That was interesting. While he did try to speak more around you like he said he would, he still wasn't super open. So something like this happening was extremely rare. Which made your stomach do a little somersault.

"Yeah, sure. Go ahead. What's on your mind?" You prompted him.

His response came a few seconds later, and it shook you to your core, "How do you know if you have feelings for someone?" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N- and here's the newest chapter! i hope you enjoyed, and i'm sorry it took me a little bit to get this one out. i know this might be kind of boring, it was sort of a filler chapter. it'll be better next time, i promise! i'm also sorry that it sort of ended on a cliffhanger. please don't hate me
> 
> anyways, thank you for reading! i hope to see you in the next chapter! have a good day :)
> 
> p.s., happy halloween!


	8. eight

“How do you know if you have feelings for someone?” 

You sat there in silence, your brain literally forgetting how to work. Ushijima. Was asking you. How to know. If you had feelings for someone. What the fuck. 

Did he have feelings for someone? Who was it? A classmate? Someone he met through volleyball? Could it be you? No, no that was stupid. There was no way in  _ Hell  _ he would ever like you. It had to be someone else. 

What the fuck were you supposed to say to him? What do you tell the guy you’re crushing on when he asks how to know if you have feelings for someone? ‘Oh, funny you asked, because I actually think I’m falling for you’? Yeah, that was a one-way trip to an Ushijima-less life. Which was the opposite of what you wanted. Sure, you knew the day where he left you for better things would come. But you weren’t ready for that yet. 

“Y/n?” He asked, and you realized you’d just been sitting in silence for like five minutes. Your face heated up immediately, and you were extremely glad this wasn’t a face-to-face interaction. 

“Uh, sorry, I was… lost in thought,” You took a breath, your stomach flip-flopping, “Why-why are you asking that?” 

“Tendou and I were talking, and he said something that made me think about it. I realized that I don’t know what that feels like, so I don’t know if I’ve ever experienced it. I was wondering if you had.” 

What the fuck was Tendou telling this man that was making him have a crisis over feelings? Seriously, you loved him, but that man was going to be the death of you. You needed to focus on the matter at hand, though. Figuring out what you were going to say to Ushijima. Which was quite a problem right now. 

“Uh… are you asking me if I’ve ever had a crush on someone?” You questioned. 

“I think so.” 

“Well… yeah. I’ve had crushes before.” 

“What was it like?” 

“Um, that depends. Because a crush I had when I was little would be different than a crush I had more recently, so-” 

“Your recent one, then.” He interrupted, clearly in earnest for an answer to whatever it was he was asking, “What was it like?” 

“Oh. That-” You paused, slightly clenching your jaw. This was bad. While you had no problem with telling him what it was like to have feelings for someone, it was difficult when it came to your recent crush. Because your recent crush was  _ him _ . How did you answer this question without exposing yourself? Without him realizing it was him you were talking about. 

You couldn’t just not answer him, that would be more suspicious than anything. You had to give him some sort of answer. You’d just have to suck it up and try to be vague. 

“Well, it’s a strange feeling. Almost uncomfortable, but not quite. When I would see him, it would physically affect me. I’d feel my heart pick up, and my stomach would do flips. My mood would always improve when he was around, and I’d constantly be thinking of him when he wasn’t. Anything would seem exciting as long as I did it with him, that’s how much I’d enjoy being around him.

“I’d find myself wanting to tell him things that happened during my day, despite how small and insignificant they may be. I counted down the seconds to when I’d see him again, and being in his presence made me feel light. It was like I lost common sense, because I felt so flustered around him. He made my brain give up control and my heart take over. He just… meant so much to me. And I felt it every moment of every day, whether I wanted to or not.” 

After you finished explaining, your friend on the other side of the call was silent. You were so anxious your hands were nearly shaking. Why wasn’t he saying anything? Had you said something wrong? Did he somehow realize you were talking about him and was so weirded out that he couldn’t speak? You knew he hadn’t hung up, and yet you felt like the silence was a goodbye. This was not a good feeling. 

“Ushijima?” You asked, voice quieter than you’d meant it to be. 

“I have to go.” Came his quick, monotone reply. 

“What? Wait, but-” 

“This was very insightful, thank you. I’ll see you soon. Good night, y/n.” 

The phone call clicked to an end before you had a chance to get another word in. You sighed, dropping your phone in your lap. What the hell was that? Why had he been acting so weird at the end? It wasn’t like him. And that made you worried, because Ushijima wasn’t the type to just switch things up at the drop of a hat. 

You laid back in your bed, your mind a turmoil of thoughts. You doubted you’d sleep well tonight. His reaction scared you, because of how foreign it was. You feared that this was the beginning of the end of one of the most important relationships in your life. 

All of this, because you had to fall for him. 

___________________

Your doctor had told you there’d be good days and bad days, which you’d understood. With the severity of the injuries and the traumatic incident, of course there’d be effects on your mental state. You were prepared for it, as well as your loved ones. So far, you’d had some days that were pretty rough, but nothing too bad. You thought that’d be the worst of it. You were wrong. 

Your previous ‘bad days’ were nothing compared to this. To start off, the pain was worse than you’d ever felt it. You didn’t know why it was happening, but it felt like you were being tortured. The medicine did little to remedy the pain. Every little movement made you have to bite your tongue to keep from crying out. You felt positively awful. 

Putting your physical state aside, your mental state was just as bad, if not worse. You felt numb, and so far past your wit’s end that even the thought of talking seemed like too much energy. Your mind replayed the accident over and over, reminding you that you’d lost the thing you were most passionate about. The loss had settled heavily on your chest, and it hurt to breathe. This was the first time you’d really felt the weight of what happened, and it was suffocating. 

Kenma was extremely worried, based on the way he was barely even glancing at the forgotten game console in his lap, and yet you couldn’t snap out of it. He’d ask you questions, and you could only give him one-word answers at most. Your brain just didn’t have the capacity for anything else, considering it was using all its brainpower to make you think of your worthless future. Really, you were spending all your time looking out the window and trying to take full breaths. Which shouldn’t have been as difficult as it was right now. 

To top it all off, it was Ushijima’s birthday. Of course it’d be his birthday on the one day when you could barely function. 

You hadn’t talked to him over text or call at all since your phone call about feelings, and you’d only seen him in person once when he came to visit with Tendou. You’d barely spoken to each other, him letting Tendou take charge of conversations. You felt the hole in your life he hadn’t been filling lately, and that definitely contributed to your negative mindset today. You’d clearly done something wrong, but you didn’t know what, which meant you had no idea how to fix it. He had become an important part of your life, someone you depended on, and everything just became more… real without him. 

You would never play volleyball again. Your leg would never be the same. And as soon as you were out of this hospital and on the path of healing, all the love and attention you were getting would be gone. Your friends would have more important things to do, your brother would go back to his nonchalant attitude, and Ushijima would go back to chasing his goals. You’d just hold him back, so you knew one way or another, he’d be moving on. 

Everything was falling apart. And you couldn’t do anything to stop it. 

Ushijima’s birthday party with his team was supposed to start soon, the party you were meant to video call in to since you couldn’t be there in person. But the thought of doing that right now made you nauseous. You were pretty sure Ushijima wanted nothing to do with you, and you didn’t have the energy to pretend to be happy for his sake. As much as you cared about him, there were some things you couldn’t do. Even if it made you feel terrible. 

Kuroo was here, too, currently talking to Kenma in a hushed voice. You could see them in your peripheral vision, and based on the way their voices sounded and their bodies were tensed, they were talking about you. You couldn’t bring yourself to care, instead focusing on the sun setting outside the window. It cast hues of pink and purple across the sky, making the World seem more magical than it actually was. If only you could believe in something like that. 

From where it was resting on the nightstand, your phone screen lit up. You glanced at it, only having the energy to move your eyes and nothing else. It was a text from Tendou, the latest of many notifications you’d gotten today. You hadn’t been able to make yourself check any of them, so they were simply piling up in your absence. There was a good chance this text from Tendou had something to do with Ushijima’s party, though, considering it was supposed to be starting right about now. 

You sighed, looking back out the window. You knew you should answer, and be there for Ushijima. You wanted to. You just… couldn’t. Your brain wasn’t working right now, too overwhelmed with the pain in your body. 

Not five minutes later, your phone lit up again, this time with an incoming call. You looked over at it again, your good hand clenching into a fist. It was a video call from Tendou, signifying that the party had begun and you were supposed to answer in order to be there for the birthday boy. You’d said you would, and you’d worked out all the details with your best friend in order to execute it. But you hadn’t been planning on being hit with the worst mental decline you’d experienced yet. 

_ Pick up the phone _ , you told yourself,  _ just tell him happy birthday. That’s all you have to do. _

Your body wouldn’t move, wouldn’t obey the commands your brain was giving. It was infuriating, experiencing this loss of control. You hated it. 

_ Be there for him, like he’s been for you. Don’t be a fucking coward. Answer the phone. Tell him happy birthday, then you can go. At least do that much. This may be the last time you have a chance to speak to him. Don’t waste it. _

_ Pick up the fucking phone, y/n.  _

With all the energy you had left, you reached your hand out from under the blanket, grasping your phone. It felt like the hardest thing you’d ever done, and yet you persevered. Because you needed to do this, or you wouldn’t ever forgive yourself. Pain and mental instability be damned. If it was for Ushijima, you’d do it. 

You answered the phone right before it became a missed call, Tendou’s face filling up your screen. He looked down at his phone, and therefore at you, a smile breaking across his face. 

“Hey! I was scared you weren’t going to pick up. You haven’t answered my texts today.” He greeted, sounding cheery as ever. It made you feel sick. 

“Yeah. Sorry.” You mumbled, not able to give him anything other than that. 

At your tone, he frowned, tilting his head in concern, “Are you okay?” 

You paused, not wanting to have to answer that. Lucky for you, you didn’t have to. Just then, a door opened and Tendou looked up, distracted from you for the time being. 

“Oh! Wakatoshi’s here!” He exclaimed, back to his happy self. You swallowed, already feeling the fatigue settle into your body from this tiny interaction. You heard Ushijima’s voice, though it was muffled and you couldn’t make out the words. Still, even hearing the sound of it made your heart beat faster. Just because you were hurting didn’t mean you didn’t still feel for him like you did. 

“It’s your birthday party! Happy birthday! The whole team came!” Tendou exclaimed, his focus on his friend, “I even have y/n on video call!” Then, he turned the phone towards Ushijima so you could be seen. You got a good view of him, standing in the doorway with a confused expression. Once again, it made you feel anxious. He was so beautiful in everything he did, more than anyone you’d ever seen. The fact that you even got to see him was a privilege. 

His eyes fell on the screen, on you, and he swallowed. Not the best reaction, and it immediately made you want to curl up and die. But you forced a small smile on your face, probably the fakest thing anyone had ever seen, and gave a little wave. 

“Hey, Ushijima.” You greeted. 

After a moment of hesitation, he walked over and took the phone from Tendou, his face filling the screen, “Y/n, hello. It’s good to see you.” 

So formal. It made your heart ache. You’d thought you were past this, but it seemed like you were back at square one. Or maybe you weren’t even on a square at all. 

“Yeah, it’s good to see you, too.” Your voice sounded flat and dead, like you were reciting some passage from a boring textbook instead of talking to a friend, “Happy birthday.” 

He opened his mouth to speak, but someone spoke and he looked up to give them his attention. You took the opportunity to drop the facade, your devastation and pain evident on your face. You needed to get out of this. You weren’t in a good mindset, and you would just ruin his party if you stuck around. He was focused on someone else, so it seemed like a good chance to slip away. 

Unbeknownst to you, his attention had moved back to you, and he caught the misery in your expression. His face shifted into one of concern right as you ended the call, deciding your mission was done. You’d told him happy birthday, which was all you had to do. Now he could have fun without having to interact with you, and you could stop pushing yourself past your limit. You set the phone back down on the nightstand, leaning back on the bed with a shaky sigh. 

You felt Kenma’s eyes on you, and you glanced at him. He looked concerned, but his eyes glistened. When he saw you looking, he gave the smallest smile, “I know that was hard. I’m proud of you for doing it.” 

“It was just a phone call.” You muttered, turning your eyes away, “It’s pathetic that it took that much out of me.” 

Kenma didn’t say anything, obviously sensing that you didn’t want to talk. He went back to talking to Kuroo, and you went back to looking out the window. You tried not to think about Ushijima, but it was a lost cause. So you turned your focus on trying to keep the tears in your eyes from spilling as a lump formed in your throat. 

It was hours later when you were finally left alone for the first time that day, and it was such a relief. Kuroo convinced Kenma to go out to dinner with him, in order to give both you and him a break and a chance to breathe. You were eternally grateful for that, because the constant attention was driving you crazy. But now that you were alone, there was no reason to keep your emotions at bay, and you let them spill out of you. 

Tears rolled down your cheeks as you stared out the window, silent except for the occasional sob or sniffle. You were so drained that you didn’t even have the energy to actually cry, only able to let the tears fall and soak your face. This wasn’t doing anything to make you feel better, in fact, it was making you fall into a deeper pit of despair. You felt pathetic, self-loathing clutching your heart like an iron grip. God, was this how life was gonna be like now? 

It was dark out now, and you found that you had a strange longing to go outside. You ached to see the stars, to feel your insignificant place in this Universe. If only your leg wasn’t like this, if only you hadn’t been in that car, if only you’d just stayed home. If only, if only, if only. 

‘If only’s weren’t going to do shit for you now. 

“Y/n?” 

You looked over to the door, reacting to the calling of your name. Standing there, watching you with sad eyes, was Ushijima. Why he always seemed to show up when you were at your lowest was a mystery, but it was getting damn annoying. You didn’t have the energy to wipe the tears off your face, instead just looking at him. If he was here to tell you that he didn’t want to be friends anymore, you’d break. You were hanging on by a thread right now, and the thought of dealing with anything more was impossible. 

_ Please, please. I know the day will come when he’s had enough. Just please don’t let it be today.  _

“Did I do this to you?” He asked, and you blinked in shock. 

“What?” You asked, voice hoarse. 

“I haven’t been a good friend lately.” He explained, stepping into the room and towards you, “That must have hurt you. Is that why you’re upset? Because of me?”

“Wha- why- why would you think that?” 

He sat down in the chair next to your bed, resting his hands on the very edge of the mattress. It had been quite some time since the two of you were this close, especially without anyone else around. If you weren’t so damn depressed, you’d be freaking out. But no, all you could do was stare at him blankly as your tears dried on your cheeks. His face was pretty much expressionless, like it usually was, but you knew him well enough to know he was upset. 

His brows were furrowed and his shoulders were slumped, and you could see something matching the sadness you felt in his eyes. He was troubled, it was clear, and it was because of you. 

“I saw you on the call, right before you hung up. You looked very pained, and then you hung up without saying goodbye. It’s obvious that you’re upset. Is it because of me?” 

“I…” You trailed off, not sure what to say and not really having the desire to speak either. You knew you should comfort him, and help him get out of this guilty rut he was in, but you couldn’t. You didn’t have it in you right now.

“It is, isn’t it?” He asked, clenching his jaw regretfully, “I’ve been avoiding you, which was completely selfish. I was only thinking about myself, not about how it would affect you if I acted like this. I didn’t think about how it would hurt you, I’m sorry. It was never my intention to cause you pain.” 

You tried to speak, but the words died in your throat. More tears fell from your eyes at his words, and you gripped the blanket. So he admitted it. He was avoiding you. What had you done to make him act like this? What did you fuck up to make him avoid you? 

“You are a dear friend, y/n. Someone I care about deeply. My actions were immature and thoughtless, and I wish I could take them back. I never wanted to hurt you,” He reached one of his hands out, resting it on your forearm in a comforting touch, “Please, tell me what I can do to fix it. I’ll do whatever I can.” 

Your chin trembled as you fought to keep your sobs buried, and you glanced down at the hand he had on you. You’d felt like it had been years since the two of you hung out like you used to, and you were so sure he’d been getting ready to leave you in the dust. But now, here he was, apologizing and asking for a way to fix it. Asking to be able to keep you in his life. 

You sniffled, trying to speak through the pain coursing through you. Finally, you were able to choke out a sentence, “Y-you’re supposed to be at your birthday party.” 

Fuck. What the hell was that? 

“I think this is more important.” He replied without hesitation, his eyes shining with honesty. 

At those words, something broke in you, and you couldn’t hold it back anymore. You sobbed, openly and vocally, burying your face in your hands. The hurt you felt was so big, so real, so overwhelming. You could barely breathe, all those times you hid your emotions piling up only to break out of you now, in front of Ushijima. On his birthday, no less. 

Pathetic. You were pathetic. Ushijima  _ should _ leave you behind, despite how much you didn’t want it, he deserved that much. He was so good, the best person you knew, and you’d done nothing to deserve him even looking at you. Just thinking about him made you cry harder. 

Then, you felt hands wrap around yours, gently pulling them away from your face. You looked up, meeting Ushijima’s eyes as he held your hands. He let go of them, instead bringing his hands up to your cheeks, wiping the tears away with his thumbs. The touch was like a spark through you, though you could barely comprehend it in your unstable state. All you could do was sit there and cry. 

He moved closer, sitting on the edge of the bed with his hands still on your face. 

“Breathe.” He said, and you frowned. 

“Wha-” 

“Breathe.” He repeated, and he pressed his forehead against yours and closed his eyes. Then he started taking long, deep breaths, his thumbs swiping across your cheeks as more tears fell. 

It took you a minute to realize what he meant, but then you finally got it. You were supposed to try to copy his breathing until you calmed down. Though you couldn’t take more than short, stuttering breaths right now, you closed your eyes and leaned into him. You grabbed a fistful of his shirt in each of your hands, desperately trying to keep him close. You were sure if he tried to leave now that you’d never recover. 

He continued breathing calmly, cradling your face as he did, his hair tickling your face from the lack of space between the two of you. Your brain was going a thousand miles a minute, thoughts blurring together until all you could comprehend was the feeling of Ushijima next to you and his hands on you. You hurt, more than you ever had. It was a terrible sensation, and you knew that it was making you extremely unpleasant to be around right now. But he was still right here, helping you through it, telling you that he wanted you in his life. 

It was amazing that you were even able to be in this situation. 

Slowly, but surely, your crying slowed. Your eyes got dry, and your breathing went back to normal besides the occasional falter. The room was quiet, the two of you still touching foreheads despite you having calmed down. You were sure he sensed that you needed this for a little longer, this connection. You didn’t think you’d ever get enough of it. 

You loved him. You loved him so much. And you knew that was probably your emotion muddled brain coming up with things based on how overwhelmed you felt, and that when you were stable again you’d cringe at such thoughts, but that was all you knew in this moment. It was hopeless, that you were sure of, him and you would never work. But right now, as he held you close, you let yourself feel it. Yes, it would hurt later when you lost him, but there wasn’t any harm in it now. 

So you focused on that, the love you felt for him right now, letting it replace the suffocating sadness you’d been stuck with all day. It was a much better experience that way. 

“Thank you.” You whispered, gripping his shirt even tighter in your hands. He didn’t respond, just hummed. 

You were suddenly overcome with exhaustion, the effort you’d had to put in every action today finally hitting you. You slumped against the volleyball player next to you, your head moving from being against his to resting on his shoulder. He shifted his hands from your face to your hips, still holding you against him. Now that you had some semblance of your sanity back, you were conscious of his hands on you, and it was making your heart beat out of your chest. Though you knew it was just platonic to him, that didn’t make it any less special to you. 

“Will you… stay with me?” You asked, voice slightly slurred from crying and tiredness, “Until I fall asleep?” 

“Of course.” He responded, his thumb rubbing circles on your good hip, “I’ll stay as long as you need me to.” 

You nodded thankfully, and the two of you shifted until you were laying next to each other on the small bed. He had an arm wrapped around you, and you rested your head on his chest, reveling in his warmth and the sound of his heart beating. It was a soothing ambience, and you were already having a hard time keeping your eyes open. Ushijima just had something about him that made you feel so… good, and right now that peaceful feeling was lulling you to sleep. 

“Thank you for still wanting to be my friend.” You murmured, “Happy birthday, Ushijima.” 

“Thank you, y/n.” He responded, and his chest rumbled as he spoke, “Get some rest now. I’ll be here.” 

“Good night, Ushijima.” 

“Good night, y/n.” 


	9. nine

Kenma stood outside your hospital room, peeking into the little window above the doorknob. You sat in there, rested on your bed with your injured leg under the blanket and your other one laid on top of it. The window in the room was open, the curtains pulled back as a cool breeze flowed through the room and sunlight bathed everything in a golden glow. The room was usually silent, occasionally interrupted by machines beeping or monotone conversation between you and him. It had been so long since he’d heard your usual upbeat voice, and he never thought he could miss it so much. 

But now, here he stood, listening to your laughter filter through the door. 

“Kenma!” Kuroo called, walking over to where the setter stood, “What are you-”

“Shh!” Kenma turned to him, placing a finger over his lips. Then he beckoned Kuroo closer, gesturing inside the room. The taller of the two ducked down, peeking into the window. 

Ushijima sat next to the bed, his deep voice muffled as he told you a story. Your face was nearly illuminated as you listened to him, eyes bright as they watched his face, your lips set in a small smile. Neither Kenma or Kuroo had known Ushijima to be funny, but you were laughing at what he said like your life depended on it. It was a beautiful sight, one the two boys had gone far too long without seeing. 

“How does he do that?” Kenma asked quietly, not taking his eyes off you, “I haven’t even seen her really smile in two months. But he shows up and it’s almost like how it used to be.” 

Kuroo looked at his best friend, a small smile at the corner of his lips, “Don’t tell me you really haven’t noticed. I thought you were supposed to be observant.” 

Kenma sighed, meeting Kuroo’s eyes, “I know she likes him. I’m not an idiot. I’m glad to see her smiling. It’s just… I wish it wasn’t only when he was around. I don’t want her happiness to hinge on one person.” 

“I get that.” Kuroo murmured, stepping back and leaning against the wall next to the door, “But right now, I think we should be glad. If it weren’t for him, I think she’d be much worse than she is now. He’s all she has right now, but as she heals and figures things out, it’ll be different.” 

“Yeah. I guess. I just wish I could do more. I know I’m not too open to others, but… she’s my sister. And she’s hurt.” 

“You’re doing all that you can, Kenma. Just being here for her, and making sure others are when you can’t be. We can’t force her to open up to us or rely on us. If she does, it has to be her own choice. That’ll only come with time.” 

Kenma huffed, letting his head hang, “I hate it when you get all philosophical and intelligent.” 

“I know you do.” Kuroo chuckled, wrapping his arms around Kenma’s shoulders and pulling him into a hug, one which the shorter of the two reluctantly gave in to, “Let’s go get something to eat, let those two have some more time alone.” 

“Okay. But we have to bring something back for y/n. She hates the hospital food.” 

“Deal.” Kuroo responded, and the two of them went on their way. 

Back inside the room, you listened to Ushijima’s story, laughing so hard it hurt. You held your sides, leaning back against the pillows and breathing hard. Ushijima watched you, eyes shimmering with joy and lips curving into a subtle smile at seeing you so happy. It was much better seeing this than walking into the room only for you to be breaking down crying. 

“Oh my God, oh my God, okay.” You panted, grinning so wide your cheeks ached, “I need a minute to breathe.” 

“I didn’t think my story could be so amusing.” Ushijima responded honestly, hands intertwined in his lap. 

“Are you kidding? Just the  _ thought _ of Tendou in a cheerleading uniform is gonna make me lose it.” You giggled, hiding your mouth behind a hand. 

“It was quite a funny sight. I’m pretty sure Semi has pictures of it.” 

“Well, I’m going to need those ASAP.” You told him, and he nodded. “Oh, that reminds me. I still need to give you your birthday gift.” 

“You got me a gift?” He asked. 

“Of course I did. We’re friends.” You said, sitting up, “I just… you know. I wasn’t in a good headspace then. But I am now, so.” 

“Oh. Okay.” 

“It’s in the top drawer of the nightstand. In the purple bag. You can get it out.” 

Ushijima did as told, opening the drawer and pulling out the package you’d made for him. He turned it over in his hands, looking up to give you a questioning look. 

“Go ahead. Open it.” You urged, gesturing to the package. He nodded, tearing it open and dumping out the contents onto his lap. 

Ushijima picked up one of the items, brows furrowed. 

“That’s a sketching set.” You explained, “I remember you told me you liked to draw, so I found these really nice pencils when I was out with Tendou and I thought you’d like them. You can use them in your free time, whenever you’re bored and need something to do.” 

He looked at you, seemingly frozen in place. 

“I don’t know. It seemed like a good idea,” You said, nervousness coursing through you, “You don’t have to use them, or even keep them. I have the receipt, so-” 

“No. I like them. Thank you, y/n. That’s very thoughtful of you.” He said, setting them back in his lap and moving on to the next item. 

“Uh, okay, so-” You laughed anxiously, rubbing your shoulder, “The reason for that is kind of strange. Um, basically, when I was little, my grandma taught me to crochet. It was our thing to do together, and I loved it. I would make all my friends and family things, and I still do it every once in awhile. Kenma has things, so do Tendou and Kuroo. A lot of the group chat does. So I thought I’d make you something, since you’re important to me.

“It took me awhile to figure out what to make you. But then I remembered that you said you go running in the mornings and night, no matter what season it is. So I made you a beanie to wear. So you don’t freeze when you go running and it’s cold.” 

He ran his thumb over the yarn of the hat, a strange look on his face. “This is very nice. Thank you.” 

“Yeah, of course. I wanted you to know you’re valued.” 

Ushijima set the beanie down, moving on to the third and final item. A dark brown leather wristband. This one was, in your opinion, the most meaningful. 

“Okay, so that one has a backstory to it.” You told him, “Before the accident, when I used to- uh- play volleyball, this was sort of like my good luck charm. I wore it in every game I ever played. I refused to go onto the court without it. It was originally given to me by my father, who used it as his own good luck charm in life. So this has, like, two lifetimes of good luck in it.

“Anyways, as you know, I- I can’t play volleyball anymore. Unfortunately. So, I thought that maybe you could wear it. It would be like, when you played, a part of me played with you. And I didn’t have to completely say goodbye to all of it. Which I know is stupid and naive, but I think it’ll help me move on. If I think of it that way.”

You looked at him, watching his expression for a few seconds before speaking again, “You don’t have to, though. Honestly, I don’t expect you to. You don’t owe me anything, so just forget it. You can still keep the bracelet, though, if you want.” 

“Why do you do that?” Ushijima asked, and you gave him a confused look. 

“What?” 

“Why do you do something thoughtful and then try to go back on it? Make it seem less meaningful than it actually is?” 

“Oh. Um.” You chewed on your bottom lip, looking at your hands in your lap, “I guess I just… don’t want you to feel pressured, or make you uncomfortable.” 

“You shouldn’t do that. Be confident in yourself. Especially if you’re doing something kind.” Ushijima said, placing one of his large hands on yours, “I’m not uncomfortable. I’m grateful. These gifts mean a lot to me. Don’t try to belittle them.” 

You met his eyes, seeing nothing but truthfulness there. It warmed your heart. He really did care so much about you, even if he didn’t show it the same way others might have. That didn’t make it any less special, though. You grabbed the hand he had rested on you, giving it a light squeeze. 

“You’re right. I’ll try not to do that. I’m glad you like the gifts.” 

“I do like them, very much.” He nodded, “And I promise I’ll wear your bracelet for you when I play.” 

You smiled fondly at him, brushing your thumb against his hand still clasped in yours, “Thank you, Ushijima.” 

“Wakatoshi.” 

You frowned, “What?” 

“Call me Wakatoshi.” 

“Oh.” You felt your cheeks heat up, but tried your best to hide it. The only other person you knew of that called him that was Tendou, his best friend. The implication sent butterflies fluttering in your stomach, “Alright. Wakatoshi.” 

___________________

Three months after the accident, you took the first step towards getting your life back. Literally. Your arm cast had been removed about a month and a half ago, and you’d just gotten the casts on your hip and femur replaced with simple braces. Your knee was still in bad condition, so its cast was kept on. Still, those small changes were huge adjustments. 

Though, with the removal of the casts, you were faced with a new challenge. Physical therapy. Three times a week, two hours each session, you had to force yourself to exercise a broken limb that had been stationary for a fourth of a year. It was excruciating. But it was better than sitting in bed, feeling your body deteriorate with each moment that passed. You’d endure any pain you needed to in order to avoid feeling that again. 

“Y/n, you gotta get your head out of the clouds.” Bokuto said, breaking you out of your thoughts. He was joining you in your physical therapy today, both as a partner and moral support, “This exercise is for you, not for me.” 

“Oh. Sorry.” You said, continuing to lift the weight in your right hand and move your right foot off the ground. 

“What were you thinking about?” He asked, keeping his eyes on your shaky leg in case you started to fall and needed to be caught. 

“Just how much better life will be when I can move around on my own.” You grunted, wincing at the pain coursing through the right side of your body. “I felt like I was turning to stone when all I did was lay in that bed.” 

“Damn, that sounds sucky. I’m sorry you had to deal with that.” 

You shrugged, “It’s okay. Things are looking up now.” 

“That’s a nice way of looking at it.” Bokuto grinned up at you from where he was squatted on the ground, “I’m proud of you, y/n.” 

“Thank you, Bokuto.” You laughed, before it quickly got cut off by a gasp as you bent your leg a little too far. 

“Oh, shit. You okay?” 

“Yeah, yeah. Just… my leg is really messed up.” 

“Do you need to take a break?” Akaashi asked, walking into the room as he returned from his journey to get smoothies for the three of you. 

“Akaashi!” Bokuto called out, going from hyper to hyper-but-in-love as soon as he saw the second year. Akaashi gave him a small smile, but looked at you as he waited for an answer to his question. 

“Yeah, maybe for a minute.” You responded, sitting down on one of the seats of the workout machines, “I just need to breathe.” 

“Drink your smoothie while you rest.” Akaashi said, handing you yours before giving Bokuto his own, “You need to stay energized.” 

“Thank you, Akaashi.” You said, taking a long sip from the cup. He nodded at you, sitting down on the floor next to his captain. The three of you sat in silence for awhile, lost in your thoughts while drinking your smoothies. 

Not long after, though, your phone buzzed in your pocket. You pulled it out, checking the ID, and felt your stomach drop. Wakatoshi was video calling you. 

While this wasn’t a rare occurrence- the two of you spoke every day, despite not seeing each other- it still set your nerves on fire every time. You were acutely aware of your feelings for Wakatoshi, and how big they were, much to your dismay. Every time you spoke to him you felt like they grew, and you were pretty sure that soon you’d be overwhelmed with them. But the thought of having life without him seemed like a much scarier prospect to endure. 

Taking a deep breath, you answered the call, phone in one hand and smoothie in the other. 

Wakatoshi’s face showed up on the screen, and you could hear sneakers squeaking and volleyballs bouncing in the background. His eyes lit up as he saw you, and he gave a little wave. 

“Hey.” You greeted, smiling, “Are you at practice right now?” 

“We’re just finishing up. Tendou messed around too much so now he has to do 100 practice serves. I’m stuck here until he’s done because he doesn’t like going back to the dorms alone.” Wakatoshi explained, dabbing at his face with a towel, “But you haven’t messaged me much lately so I wanted to make sure that everything was okay.” 

You took a sip of your smoothie, nodding at his words, “Yeah, sorry about that. I’ve been… busy.” 

You didn’t want to tell Wakatoshi about the physical therapy yet. You’d decided as soon as you knew about it that you wanted to surprise him with it when you could walk around by yourself. It was stupid and cheesy and very teenage-girl-in-love of you, but you’d allow it. You’d been through so much shit lately that you deserved some stupid fun. Though it felt odd to lie to him; that wasn’t something you’d ever wanted to do. 

“Busy?”

“Yeah. I have to keep up with school even though I can’t go there, so I’ve been busy with assignments and stuff.” Okay, that wasn’t a total lie. You  _ had  _ been pretty busy with school stuff, you just didn’t tell him that you’d also been busy with trying to get your body back into working condition. 

“I understand.” He nodded, “If you want, I can help you with some of it. Either over the phone like this or when I come visit on Thursdays. Though, my free time is limited.” 

“Oh, no, that’s okay. Don’t worry about it. I know you’re busy. Plus, I have Kuroo. He’s easy to bully into helping me.” You said, laughing lightly. 

“Are you sure? I have no problem with it.” 

“I know you don’t, Wakatoshi. Thank you. It’s very kind. But I promise I have it handled.” 

“Are you sure?” Worry was evident on his face, and it made your heart squeeze. God, he really was the perfect man. 

“Positive. Don’t worry. If I really need help, I’ll tell you.” 

He sighed, “Alright. Please do.” 

“So how did practice go? Did you show everyone up like always?” 

He exhaled an almost-chuckle, shaking his head, “I simply did the best I could. Whether that showed everyone up or not, I don’t know.” 

“I bet you did. You’re that talented.” You grinned proudly. 

“If I did, it’s because of this.” He said, lifting up his wrist to show the bracelet you gave him. You gasped, eyes widening. He’d said he wear it when he played, and you’d assumed that meant just actual games. But here he was, wearing it at practice. You didn’t know why, but that meant a lot more to you than you thought it should. 

“Oh my God, you’re wearing the bracelet.” 

“I am. I know you said to wear it during games, but I thought that the good luck could extend into regular life. I hope that’s okay.” 

“No, it’s totally fine.” You assured him, “Wear it as much as you want. It makes me really happy, actually.” 

“Good. Then I will wear it.” 

You laughed, “I like that idea.” 

Wakatoshi looked up, something else catching his attention, and you drank your smoothie as you watched him. He seemed to be talking to someone, and after a minute he looked back at you, “Tendou’s finishing up now, so we’re going to head to our dorm. I have to go, but I’ll talk to you later, okay?” 

“Okay. Don’t even worry about talking to me anymore today. It’s getting late, you should get some rest.” You told him, “We can talk tomorrow.” 

“Alright. You get some rest, too.” 

“I will. Good night, Wakatoshi.” 

“Good night, y/n. I’ll talk to you soon.” 

The call clicked to an end after that, and you set your phone down with a satisfied breath. You thought back on the conversation, pleasantly sipping on more of your smoothie. That is until you felt two pairs of eyes on you, and looked up to see Bokuto and Akaashi looking at you with intrigued expressions. 

“Wakatoshi, huh?” Akaashi asked. 

“When’s the wedding?” Bokuto piped up immediately after. 

“Oh my God, you guys, please shut up. It’s not like that.” You rolled your eyes, “We’re just friends.” 

“Your lovey-dovey face says differently.” Bokuto teased, slurping his smoothie. 

Your cheeks heated up and you looked away, trying to hide your embarrassment. You really sucked when it came to hiding your feelings, especially romantic feelings. So there was a good chance that your feelings for Wakatoshi were as clear as day right now. And there wasn’t anything you could do to say otherwise. 

“You clearly like him, so why not ask him out?” Akaashi questioned you, and you met his eyes with an incredulous look. 

“Are you serious? Look at him, and then look at me. It would never work. He’s like… a god and I’m, well, me. Broken and hopeless.” 

“Hey, that’s not true! You’re not broken or hopeless,” Bokuto argued, “You’re just hurt right now. You need time to heal, and then you’re going to find your footing again. That doesn’t change how awesome you are.” Akaashi nodded in agreement. 

You shrugged, heaving a deep sigh, “Well, I know it wouldn’t work. He’s destined for great things, and I’d just hold him back. I won’t do that to him. Plus, he’d never feel that way about me. Time travel would be invented before that happened.” 

Bokuto and Akaashi shared a knowing look, having a conversation without words in the way that only people who were extremely close could do. Then they looked at you again, faces dressed in a ‘you’re full of shit’ expression. 

“I’m pretty familiar with Ushijima, and with having feelings for someone, and let me tell you this. The guy you were just talking to on the phone is one who you’ve got totally whipped. Like, he’s wrapped around your finger.” Bokuto grinned, “Shiratorizawa’s ace is totally in love with you.” 

“I agree. I’ve never known that man to be the type to offer to help with homework or wear a bracelet someone gave him for good luck.” 

“So you guys have never seen what he’s like outside of volleyball. So what? He’s just being a good friend.” 

“Y/n, we know how guys’ minds work. Even guys like Ushijima. It’s true that he may be a good friend like that, but I also 100% believe that he has feelings for you. All the facts point towards that.” 

You sighed, finishing off your smoothie, “You guys are totally wrong.” 

“If you’re so sure, prove it. Show us that we’re wrong.” Akaashi challenged. You raised your eyebrows at him. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Confess your feelings! Ask him out. Pounce on that man before your chance is gone.” Bokuto exclaimed, “He’ll either say yes, and life will be great. Or he’ll say no, and you won’t have to wonder about the truth anymore. Plus, you’ll get to tell us ‘I told you so.’”

You rubbed your forehead, sighing, “I can’t do that. I’d rather relive my accident than have him reject me.” 

“What kind of friendship can you have if you aren’t being truthful, though? I mean, sooner or later, it’ll do more harm than good.” Akaashi told you, “What happens if he gets in a relationship and you’re stuck being his friend? Won’t that hurt?” 

“But it probably won’t hurt as much as living without him, which I’d have to do if he rejected me.” 

“What if he doesn’t, though? What if he feels the same and suddenly you get to be even more happy? Don’t you feel like you deserve that?” 

“I don’t know. I just don’t think it’s worth the risk.” You shook your head. 

“Everything good is risky. That’s the whole point of life. We can’t let fear control us.” Akaashi murmured, “If you’d let fear control you, would you have ever played volleyball? Would you have become friends with any of us? Would you be sitting here right now, forcing yourself through physical therapy?” 

He was right. You hated it, but he was. If you hadn’t taken risks, you never would’ve played volleyball or met your friends. You’d have never met Wakatoshi. Everything in your life that made you happy, you would’ve never gotten it. Nothing good ever came out of being afraid. 

“Fine.” You said, and just that word made your stomach do somersaults. The two boys’ faces filled with surprise, and they looked at each other before looking at you. 

“Fine?” Bokuto asked. 

“I’ll tell him. Next time I see him.” You explained, “I’ll tell him that I have feelings for him.” 

The thought of him rejecting you was terrifying. Having to imagine living life without his friendship was nearly impossible. But you couldn’t let that lord over you. You’d always been one to go after what you wanted, and that shouldn’t change just because of what happened to you. You couldn’t use the past as an excuse. 

So, for better or for worse, Wakatoshi would soon know how you felt about him. You just hoped it didn’t make him walk out of your life. 


	10. ten

You woke with a jolt, a gasp bursting out of you. Every part of your body shook and your heart beat out of your chest, your panicked brain running a mile a minute. You scanned the room, your eyes zig-zagging from thing to thing in an attempt to find something to calm yourself down. This was the third time this week you’d woken up from a nightmare, and it was starting to get  _ very _ annoying. Your body was desperately trying to heal, but it couldn’t do that if you didn’t start getting some good sleep. 

“That same nightmare again, huh?” 

Your eyes landed on Kuroo, sat in a chair in the corner with a blanket wrapped around him. His eyes were sleepy, and you were pretty sure your disturbed wakeup had also broken him out of his slumber. You swallowed guiltily, gripping the blanket you’d slept in for the past three months. 

“Yeah. Sorry for waking you.” 

“Nah, it’s okay.” He sighed, sitting up and letting the blanket fall to his waist. He stretched his arms above his head, yawning, “Better me than Mr. Hyper and Mr. In-Love-With-Mr-Hyper over there.” He gestured over to the couch, where your brother and Hinata slept. 

They were small enough that both of them fit, but big enough that a little snuggling was needed in order to make it work. Not that either of them minded much. Kenma laid against the backrest, arms wrapped around Hinata who laid against your twin’s chest with his face nuzzled into his neck. Hinata had been visiting lately, his fondness for Kenma and friendship with you driving him to spend any extra time he could in this boring hospital room. His company was always welcome, though, since he seemed to light up the room with everything he did. 

You were very aware of how much Kenma cared for the ginger first-year, which was all the more reason for you to love the boy yourself. He was a great person, and he inspired your brother, and that was more than enough for you. It was obvious to anyone that saw them that Kenma’s feelings for Hinata ran a little deeper than platonic, though it seemed he had no intentions of confessing or acting on them. Hinata was oblivious to it, of course, and he was so enthusiastic about everything that it was hard to tell how he felt. But one time he’d made Kenma laugh, which was a rare occurrence, and the blush on Hinata’s cheeks was quite an indicator. 

You’d let the boys figure that out on their own, though. 

You smiled at the sight of them, fast asleep and holding each other, before turning your eyes back to Kuroo. “I guess that’s true.” 

Kuroo smiled, getting up and walking over to your bed. You scooted over, making a spot for him which he quickly took. He sighed, lightly patting your hand. 

“Why don’t you tell me about your dream?” 

You pursed your lips, looking out the window at the dark night sky, “I don’t really… remember it. I just remember the feeling it gives me. I feel scared. Like, suffocating fear. I know something’s gonna happen, something bad, and I’m running out of time to stop it. I try so hard, but every time I can’t stop it. And I just feel… defeated. And sad. 

“So first, it’s fear. And then it’s disappointment and misery. Every time.” You finished off, fiddling with your hands. 

Kuroo was silent for awhile, your words settling over the quiet room like a dark fog. Part of you wished you hadn’t told him, his silence making you fear that you’d said something wrong or said too much. Maybe he was weirded out or uncomfortable, or didn’t want to have to console his best friend’s broken twin sister. You wouldn’t blame him. You were a handful these days. 

But then he spoke, “Have you talked to anyone about this?” 

You shook your head, “Not really. I don’t want to bother anyone. Plus, I don’t feel comfortable confiding in some people with this stuff.” 

“What about Ushijima?”   
You looked at him, raising your eyebrows. “What?” 

“Ushijima. You guys are pretty close. Would you talk to him about it?” 

You furrowed your brows, thinking about it for a minute. You and Wakatoshi were very close, if your feelings for him were any indication. You tended to be very open towards him, partly because he was a good listener and also because he never made you feel like you were being judged. He was a great person to talk to, and you did tend to confide in him a lot. 

“Yeah. I guess I would.” 

“Then you should.” Kuroo said, and you looked at him once again, “I’m not saying you can’t talk to me or Kenma or Tendou or whatever, of course you can. We’d all gladly help you. But it seems like you’re closer to him these days, which is fine. So if talking to him is what you’re most comfortable with, that’s what you should do. What you  _ shouldn’t _ do is keep this all to yourself and pretend like that’ll help anything.” 

You laughed lightly, nodding, “Yeah, I get it. I’ll talk to him, or someone. I promise.” 

“Good.” He ruffled your hair, “I hope you know how much I care about you, kiddo.” 

You smiled, playfully smacking his hand away, “Yeah, I know. It’s kinda annoying sometimes.” 

“Hey!” He exclaimed, though his voice was quiet to avoid waking the sleeping boys, “That’s so mean.” 

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding. Don’t get upset. You know damn well that I love you like you’re family.” 

“You better.” He pouted, crossing his arms. 

You smiled, but quickly stopped as a yawn overtook you. Kuroo shifted onto his side, opening his arms for you, “Here. I’ll sleep up here with you. In case you have the nightmare again.” 

“Thank you, Kuroo.” You sighed, relieved to not be left alone. You scooted over into his arms, resting your head against his chest. He held you close, rubbing your back and resting his chin on your head. 

The two of you laid in silence, and it didn’t take him long to fall back asleep. You followed not long after, feeling much better with one of your closest friends sleeping next to you. 

___________________

You, once again, were alone in your hospital room. It was Wednesday, which would usually be Kasumi’s day, except she’d stopped coming. You’d told her to, explaining that it wasn’t good for either of you to visit like this at that point in time. Every time she looked at you, she felt overwhelming guilt over what happened to you. Every time you looked at her, you were reminded of all you had lost. It just really wasn’t healthy, and you decided you needed time to heal. 

She was okay with it, and very gracious. She still texted from time to time, and you were on good terms with each other. It was some much-needed space, and you both knew that. 

But now, your Wednesdays were empty. Everyone else already had days assigned, and your brother was busy, so you were left alone. Which, most of the time, was much-appreciated. Right now, though, it was not. 

You were having another one of your bad days, and there was no one around to help you through it. Last time you’d had Kenma and Kuroo, even though you were pretty much unresponsive, and then Wakatoshi later. You were on your own this time, and it was proving to be very difficult. You had that same numbness you’d had before, and the physical therapy had you exhausted beyond belief. Plus, they were cutting back on your medication and your leg was not being kind about it. 

For some reason, you couldn’t stop crying. It was annoying, and it made you feel so lost. You’d thought at some point you’d run out of tears, but they just kept coming. You didn’t even know why. There wasn’t anything too bad going on, other than the usual, so why were you so emotional? Was this normal with what you were going through? If so, how did you make it stop? 

You wanted to get out of this bed. You wanted to walk outside and breathe in the fresh air and see something  _ other _ than these four white walls. Seriously, you’d never been more grateful for your room at home than you were right now. At least there was some variety there. So different from this depressing layout you were stuck in. 

You wanted to see your stuffed animals. You wanted to go to school. You wanted to take late night trips to the convenience store down the street to get snacks with your brother. You wanted to go out with your friends and see the town you grew up in. You wanted to shower in your own shower with your playlist coming through the speaker and your skin smelling like your favorite body wash. You wanted to play board games with Kuroo and Kenma while you ate takeout. You wanted to play volleyball again. 

God, what you’d give to be on the court just one more time. To feel the ball in your hands, to see your teammates surrounding you. To feel the rush of adrenaline you got every time you saw the ball fly up into the air. Nothing could ever top it, nothing else could give you that high. Which meant that you would never feel that feeling again. 

It made you want to scream. It made you want to throw things and break them and yell at the Universe for what happened to you. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fucking fair. You never knew it was possible to feel so broken. 

Your phone, which you held in your hand after trying to distract yourself with the internet awhile ago, rang, breaking you out of your thoughts. You looked down, catching sight of the caller ID, and you felt your heart flutter. Wakatoshi was calling you. 

That was surprising, you’d thought he had practice today. But you were so pathetically lonely right now that you couldn’t even complain. And what better person to talk to when you’re upset than the one you’re head over heels for? You answered the call, holding the phone up to your ear. 

“Hello?” You greeted, sniffling and wiping your nose on a tissue. Like you said, you couldn’t stop crying. But you tried to reel it in, for his sake. 

“Y/n, hello.” He said, and you couldn’t help but feel warm at the sound of his voice, “Are you alright?” 

You paused at his question, unsure how to answer it. While you didn’t want to lie, you also didn’t want to worry him. You knew he wouldn’t judge you no matter what you said, but you also knew how burdensome things like this could be. Burdening Wakatoshi was something you never wanted to do. In fact, it was the opposite of everything you wanted. 

“Why are you asking that?” You questioned, dodging his inquiry and wiping your eyes on the collar of your shirt. 

“You haven’t texted me back today. You always text me back. So I assumed something was wrong.” He said. You felt yourself swoon. How could he be so nonchalantly perfect, so respectfully observant and caring? It blew you away, “I wanted to call in case you needed someone to talk to.” 

“Don’t you have practice?” 

“Yes, but it’s been postponed. I have about an hour until I need to be there.” He explained. 

You swallowed down more tears, trying your best not to sob on the phone with him right now. It was a lot harder than it should’ve been. He always made you feel so cared about without even trying, unintentionally being the best example of a good friend. You didn’t know how he did it, but you were grateful for it all the same. Honestly, you didn’t know where you’d be right now if it weren’t for him. 

“Fuck, Wakatoshi.” You murmured, voice breaking as your tears burst through, “How are you such a good person?” 

“You’re crying.” He said, and you could hear the worry in his voice, “What’s wrong?” 

“I’m just- I’m having a really bad day. And I’m lonely and I miss my old life and everything just… sucks right now. Which, I know I probably sound like a whiny baby, but I really just- I’m struggling. I don’t know what to do. Everything hurts.” 

You were complaining. You knew that, and you hated it. You probably sounded so annoying. But you couldn’t help it, it was overwhelming right now. Wakatoshi just happened to be the best listener you knew, and he was available right now, which meant he received the brunt of your terrible mood. 

“Y/n, you’re allowed to feel upset. You’re going through something very difficult, you’re bound to have bad days. That’s normal. But the bad days don’t last forever, they’re just that. Days. Days end, and we move on to the next one. This will be the same.” He explained, “I know you hurt, and I’m sorry. I wish you didn’t. But wishing won’t do anything, and you’re still going to have to deal with it. Just know that it won’t last forever, and you’re not alone. You’re surrounded by people who care deeply about you and want to help you, and you should allow yourself to take advantage of that.” 

You listened to his words, covering your mouth to muffle your cries that wouldn’t stay pushed down. You still hurt, and you still felt like shit, but his words definitely helped. Hell, anything Wakatoshi could’ve done probably would’ve put you in a good mood. Him and your happiness seemed to go hand-in-hand. 

“I’m going to be there tomorrow, with Tendou. And your brother will be back with you as soon as he can be. You’re not alone, even if you feel like it. Don’t forget that.” 

You almost told him then. Almost said the words you thought every time you spoke to him or were around him. Almost explained how he made you feel like you were flying. It was literally on the tip of your tongue, and you opened your mouth, waiting for the words to come out. But they didn’t. 

You couldn’t tell him, you weren’t confident enough. And even if you were, this was the type of thing you tell someone face-to-face. Which you would probably never do, because you were a coward. But maybe that was a good thing. Maybe he was better off. 

Wakatoshi was an exceptional person, in every sense of the word. He was talented, and kind, and beautiful. He was smart and caring and strong. Even though he was in High School, it was clear to anyone who saw him that he’d achieve great things. You were so incredibly proud of him, and you’d support him in all his endeavors. What you wouldn’t do, though, was be something that could hold him back. 

Which is exactly what you’d be if you were anything other than a friend. You had no foreseeable plans for the future, and you didn’t know if you ever would. Your leg was majorly messed up, which meant you’d probably never be able to be completely independent. Not to mention the mental issues you would most likely never get over. All-in-all, you were probably the worst option for him. You’d be nothing but a burden. 

As much as that hurt, you understood. You didn’t want Wakatoshi to have to deal with that, no matter how much it made your heart ache in your chest. 

So you’d probably never tell him.  _ Sorry, Akaashi _ . 

“Y/n?” 

You sniffed, wiping the tears off your face with the hand that didn’t hold your phone. You hadn’t said anything in the last couple minutes, completely lost in your own head. “Sorry. I was thinking.” 

“That’s alright. I just wanted to make sure you were still there.” 

“Yeah, I am.” You sighed, “Thank you. That really helped.” 

“I’m glad. I’m sorry you’re upset, and that I can’t be there to help. But I’ll be there tomorrow.” 

“Don’t be sorry, I get it. I’ll be okay, I just… need a minute. Knowing you’ll be here tomorrow helps, though.” 

“Is there anything I can do for you?” He asked. 

“No. Just knowing you’re there for me is enough. Thank you, Wakatoshi.” 

“Of course, y/n. You’re my friend.” 

While you knew he saw you in a platonic way and nothing else, it still hurt to hear. You sighed, running a hand over your eyes. “Well, I should probably let you go. I’m sure you have things to do.” 

“Alright. I’ll see you tomorrow. Try to feel better.” 

“Yeah. Bye, Wakatoshi.” 

“Goodbye, y/n.” 

You set your phone down on the nightstand, letting out a heavy breath and collapsing back against your pillows. Talking to him definitely had helped you feel a little better, but it wasn’t much in the grand scheme of things. You’d probably still spend the rest of the day moping until your brother got here. Because you were pathetic like that. 

You’d see Wakatoshi tomorrow, though, and that always brightened your mood. You just had to make it through the rest of today. Like he’d said, a day was only a day. At some point, it would end. 

___________________

While you knew that the physical therapy was doing wonders for your leg, you still weren’t far enough that you could walk on your own, or even at all. Which meant that you couldn’t tell Wakatoshi yet, and therefore were stuck in your bed. You hated that, a lot. But it would be worth it when you got to see the look on his face when he saw you could stand on your own two feet. So you tried to remember that. 

Tendou and Wakatoshi had just arrived, and they were sitting in chairs next to your bed while Tendou showed you the little trinkets he’d brought you. It was things like mini figurines and fidget toys, as well as cool-looking rocks he’d found. You loved every single one of them, and smiled brightly as he individually introduced each of them. 

“I got this figurine out of a cereal box. It reminded me of you because of the hair color, so I thought I’d give it to you.” Tendou explained, setting the little toy on your nightstand with the rest of them. 

You laughed, watching him, “Thank you. I’ll take good care of all of them.” 

“You better. These are priceless artifacts.” He exclaimed, leaning back in his chair and resting his feet on your bed. You smiled, shaking your head at him. 

“How are you feeling, y/n?” Wakatoshi asked, and you turned your attention over to him. Briefly, you took in his appearance. 

He wore a plain gray t-shirt, under a denim jacket that he had his hands tucked into the pockets off. That was paired with a pair of dark jeans, completely normal in appearance. The whole outfit itself was average, not really noteworthy. But you were used to Wakatoshi in a tracksuit or volleyball clothes.  _ This _ was a whole different level, and you found that you really liked it. 

“I’m doing okay. Much better than yesterday. I’m just a little tired.” You explained, smiling politely. The combined efforts of your nightmares and the exhausting physical therapy were taking their toll on you, and honestly it was getting kind of difficult to keep up with. But you were coping, and that’s all that mattered. As long as you were coping, you didn’t need to bother anyone with your problems. 

“Have you been having trouble sleeping?” He asked, his usual stoic expression slightly shifting towards worry as his brows furrowed. Of course he’d pick up on that. He was  _ ridiculously  _ good at reading between the lines. 

You bit your lip, fiddling with your hands in your lap. Briefly, you remembered your conversation with Kuroo, where he told you that you should confide in Wakatoshi. Well, here was Wakatoshi, asking you about the thing you were supposed to confide in him with. It was like Kuroo was some god of fate or something. 

“Uh, yeah. Kind of.” You murmured, averting your eyes from the two boys sitting beside you. You hated telling people about your problems. You felt so annoying, and like you were just sitting there complaining. You were always sure they were secretly irritated with you, silently begging you to stop talking and get your head out of your ass. 

“What’s been going on?” Tendou asked, voice soft. He could clearly tell that this was a serious conversation, so his usual extravagance was put away for now. 

“Well, I just…” You sighed, “I keep having this nightmare. The same one, every night. I don’t remember the actual dream, but I remember how scared I feel. And then, after the fear, I just feel this… crushing sadness. Like, it’s overwhelming. And it keeps happening, and I’m losing a lot of sleep over it. I just don’t know how to stop it, or what it means.” 

“Have you spoken to your doctor about it?” Wakatoshi asked, rational as always. You sent a small smile his way, shaking your head. 

“I haven’t really talked to anyone about it. You guys are the first. And Kuroo, I guess.” 

“Why would you keep something like that to yourself?” Tendou asked. 

You shrugged, “I don’t know. I just don’t want to seem like a baby. Or like I’m just complaining over something stupid.” 

“This isn’t something stupid, and you wouldn’t be complaining. This is a serious issue, y/n.” Wakatoshi said, his voice urgent. He leaned forward, making sure he had your attention, “Sleep is extremely important, especially when your body is trying to heal. If there’s something interfering with that, you need to fix it. And you can’t do that by staying silent.” 

You sighed, nodding. He was right, and you knew that. You needed to be more open about your issues. But that didn’t mean it was easy, especially after a lifetime of keeping things to yourself. But the way Wakatoshi was looking at you was incentive enough, the worry and care clear in his eyes. You’d do it, if not for yourself than for him. 

“I know. I’ll talk to someone, I promise. Thank you, guys.” 

“We care about you, y/n. We just want you to be okay, and to take care of yourself.” Tendou said, placing his hand on top of yours. You smiled at him, turning your hand to grab his and give it a squeeze. He returned the smile, patting your head with his free hand. 

“It’s too serious here, I hate it.” Tendou commented, grimacing. You laughed, letting him pull his hand away and give a singular clap, “How about some food? I’m hungry, what about you guys?” 

“I could eat.” You responded. 

“I’m also hungry.” Wakatoshi told his red-headed friend. 

“Great! I’ll go get us some food!” Tendou exclaimed, getting to his feet, “Will you two be able to keep yourselves entertained while I’m gone?” 

“I think we’ll manage.” You teased, already feeling much better than you had in quite some time. These two boys meant the world to you, and seeing them care so much was absolutely amazing. You really were so lucky. 

“Keep an eye on her while I’m gone, Wakatoshi-kun.” Tendou said, pointing at the ace. Wakatoshi nodded, expression serious. 

“I’ll keep her safe.” He responded, and the conviction in his voice made you shiver. Tendou grinned, bidding you both farewell before skipping out the door and down the hall. 

Now, you and Wakatoshi were alone. 

You sighed, turning your head to look at him. He was watching you, like he tended to do, and you sent a small smile his way. He smiled back, though it was more of a lip twitch than an actual smile. Still, it didn’t fail to take your breath away. 

You remembered your conversation with Akaashi, what he’d said about letting fear control you, and you sighed. That was exactly what you were doing now, letting fear make all your decisions. That had never been the type of person you wanted to be. It couldn’t be you. You wouldn’t let it. 

You were terrified to tell Wakatoshi how you felt. Terrified to see how he reacted. But you were even more terrified of spending your life in a lie because you’d been too scared to tell him. Like your friends had said, it was better to know the truth than to always wonder ‘what if?’. That wasn’t the type of life you wanted. 

You had to tell him. It was your only choice. 

“Wakatoshi.” You began, feeling nausea push up with the anxiety rising within you. He looked at you, a question in his eyes at hearing your serious tone. 

“Yes?” 

“I have something to tell you.” 

He nodded, “Alright. Go ahead.” 

You took a shaky breath, trying to calm the nerves going rampant inside you. Why was this so difficult? 

“Okay, here it goes.” You sighed, meeting his eyes, “Before my accident, I didn’t really have any feelings towards you. It’s not like we were really friends, but I didn’t hate you or anything. You were just sort of… there. And I thought that’s how it would always be. But then, I got in an accident and ended up here, and things changed. 

“You got me flowers, without needing to, and didn’t come visit me just because you thought it would make me uncomfortable. And, to me, that was… such a kind gesture. It really meant a lot to me. And that’s what kinda made me start seeing you in a different light. Made me think that maybe there was more to you than I thought. So I asked you to be friends, in order to know you better and for Tendou’s sake. I didn’t really think it would go anywhere big.”

You paused, giving yourself a second to breathe before continuing, “It didn’t take long for me to realize that my preconceived notions of you were totally wrong. I thought you were emotionless and plain, only caring about volleyball and nothing less. It was the stupidest thing I’d ever assumed. Because you were so much more than that, you  _ are _ so much more than that. You’re… caring, and kind, and you feel everything. You’re funny and smart and every moment I’ve spent with you has been so precious to me. 

“You quickly became one of the most important people in my life, and Thursdays became my favorite day because I knew I’d see you. I didn’t even really understand it, but I knew you were important to me. And I knew you made my heart beat in a funny way that I’ve never felt before. All my friends teased me about it, my brother too, because it was pretty obvious that I cared about you. And it didn’t take me long to realize what those feelings meant. 

“I was falling for you, as cheesy as that sounds. It was happening fast, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. It overwhelmed me, and I felt the feelings grow every time I saw you.” 

You laughed lightly, shaking your head, “Actually, do you remember when you called me, asking what it was like having feelings for someone? And you had me tell you about my recent crush? Well, I was… I was talking about you. All the things I said, I was saying them about you. But I wasn’t ready for you to know that, yet. Kinda cowardly of me, I know. 

“I never had any plans to tell you, actually. Because, uh, well… I don’t want to be a burden to you. You’re, um, you’re amazing. And you’re going to make it big. And me? Well, I have nothing going for me. I’m broken and hopeless, and I’d just drag you down. 

“I convinced myself that it was better if I just kept it to myself. I told myself it was better for you. And I was so scared you’d reject me and I’d lose you, that I just threw the idea of confessing out. But one of my friends reminded me that that’s not the type of person I am. I’m not someone who lets fear control me, and I can’t stop being that person. So I told myself I had to tell you how I feel. 

“Which leads us here, to me telling you that… I have feelings for you. I mean, how could I not, really? You’re… you’re magnificent. You’re beautiful, and you care so much about me it drives me crazy. I feel like I’ve lost everything, but when I’m with you, you make me feel whole. I feel like everything’s going to be okay. 

“You mean so much to me, Wakatoshi. More than I could ever put into words. And I’m telling you, in all honesty, from the bottom of my heart, that I care about you so much. My feelings for you are… the strongest thing I’ve felt in my entire life.” 

By the time you were done talking, your face was bright red, embarrassed at how you’d just spilled out your heart’s secrets to him like that. But there was no taking it back now, no matter how much you might want to depending on how he reacted. Wakatoshi had sat in silence the entire time you spoke, letting you get it all out before formulating his own response. Now he watched you, his expression unreadable. It made your stomach coil up in an unpleasant way. 

“Y/n…” He began, and you felt your heart shatter. No. No, no. That wasn’t the sound of someone who was happy to hear a confession. He was going to reject you. This was what you had feared, what you desperately hoped wouldn’t happen. You squeezed your eyes shut, wishing you could just teleport out of this situation. 

“Y/n, I care about you. Very much. You’re one of my closest friends.” He spoke, voice the gentlest you’d ever heard it. Fuck, that just made it worse, “But… you’ve been through a terrible ordeal. You experienced something traumatic, and it has affected you both physically and mentally. I don’t think you’re thinking rationally, you’re still healing. Your feelings for me aren’t… I think you’re confused. You’re latching onto something positive in your traumatized state, and your mind is exaggerating things.” 

You opened your eyes, trying to look at Wakatoshi through the tears blurring your vision. What the fuck was he talking about? Rationally? Trauma? Exaggerating? Who the hell was he to tell you how you felt? This whole thing was bullshit. 

“If you’re going to reject me, just man up and do it.” You told him, voice cracking as you fought to hold your tears back, “Don’t bullshit me with these excuses.” 

He furrowed his brows, pain in his eyes. Whether that was for you or for him having to sit here and talk to you, you didn’t know, “Y/n, I-” 

“Okay, I got us some pretty good snacks!” Tendou exclaimed, returning to the room at the worst possible time. You took the distraction, turning away and wiping the tears from your eyes, “The cafeteria doesn’t exactly have a lot of choices, but I did my best.” 

He stopped, suddenly noticing the thick tension filling the room. His eyes fell on the two of you, you sitting in the bed with your eyes cast down, and Wakatoshi tense in his chair, fists clenched and resting on his thighs. Tendou sported a confused expression, his arms full of the food he’d so kindly gotten the both of you. 

“Uh… what happened?” 

“Nothing.” You quickly replied, not giving the other boy a chance to speak, “What food did you bring?” 

Tendou saw right through your terrible lie, but he sensed that it was best not to talk about it. So he sighed and sat back down in his chair, setting out all the food on the bed in front of him. 

“Lots of stuff. Take your pick.” 

The rest of the evening was nearly unbearable, but you somehow made it through. Every minute that passed, the pain in your chest grew, and you ached with the effort to not cry. You didn’t so much as glance at Ushijima, or say another word to him. He stayed silent, though you felt his eyes on you quite a few times. The only conversations that happened were between you and Tendou, who was desperately trying to bring back the lively mood despite not knowing what happened. You felt bad that he had to sit there and endure that. 

Soon, it was time for them to leave, and Tendou said goodbye to you with a big hug and a promise that he’d bring something fun for next week. You gave him the best smile you could and nodded. Ushijima said nothing. Tendou sent a little wave before making his way out of the room. His friend followed after him. 

“Ushijima.” You called, stopping him as he stood in the doorway. You’d called him Ushijima. Not Wakatoshi. The contrast made your heart ache. 

He didn’t look at you, but you knew he was listening. You took a shaky breath, looking at your hands in your lap. You felt like you’d break if you looked at him for a second more. 

Swallowing down your pain, you spoke, each word making you feel like you were one step closer to dying, “Don’t bother coming back.” 

His fists clenched at your words, but he gave no other reaction. After a few seconds, he continued walking, leaving you alone. 

Alone, and broken. 


	11. eleven

**_y/n protection squad_ **

**_Tendou:_ **

**_can anyone go visit y/n in my place today? i’ve got a school project to work on, but i don’t think she should be alone._ **

**_Akaashi:_ **

**_Can’t Ushijima just go? Aren’t the two of you both in charge of Thursdays?_ **

**_Kuroo:_ **

**_what do you mean, she shouldn’t be alone? what happened?_ **

**_Kenma:_ **

**_i can tell she’s upset about something, but she won’t tell us. do you know?_ **

**_Tendou:_ **

**_not exactly_ **

**_Tendou:_ **

**_wakatoshi won’t tell me what happened, but i think they fought or something. he’s been extra broody_ **

**_Tendou:_ **

**_from what i can tell, something happened between them. and now they’re not talking. so ushijima can’t come instead of me, but y/n shouldn’t be alone right now_ **

**_Bokuto:_ **

**_uh oh_ **

**_Bokuto:_ **

**_akaashi i think this is our fault_ **

**_Akaashi:_ **

**_I think so too._ **

**_Kuroo:_ **

**_??_ **

**_Kuroo:_ **

**_explain_ **

**_Bokuto:_ **

**_so basically we were hanging out with y/n a while ago and she got a call from ushijima. and while they were talking, she was acting all giggly and stuff, so akaashi and i were like oh shit we know what’s going on here. so after she hung up we talked about it with her and she admitted to having feelings for him._ **

**_Bokuto:_ **

**_she ended up telling us that she wouldn’t ever tell him, though, because she feels unworthy. she says he’s destined for great things, and she’d just hold him back. like he’s got the whole world ahead of him and she’s been forgotten by it. it was really sad to listen to_ **

**_Bokuto:_ **

**_anyways, we ended up telling her that nothing good would come out of keeping that to herself. we told her that it wasn’t okay for fear to keep her from doing something. and we sorta convinced her that she should confess to him_ **

**_Akaashi:_ **

**_My guess is that she did exactly that, but Ushijima didn’t reciprocate the feelings. She was probably rejected, and that’s why she’s upset and they’re not talking._ **

**_Kenma:_ **

**_fuck_ **

**_Tendou:_ **

**_that makes sense. poor y/n :(_ **

**_Tendou:_ **

**_i’m gonna go kick wakatoshi’s ass. brb_ **

**_Kuroo:_ **

**_oh my god. what the fuck_ **

**_Kuroo:_ **

**_she’s literally going through the hardest time in her life rn and he was the biggest support for her_ **

**_Oikawa:_ **

**_she once told me she cares about him as much as i do about iwa. i can’t believe he did that_ **

**_Kenma:_ **

**_i’d go see her but i can’t get out of practice today. can someone please go there so i don’t have to worry as much?_ **

**_Daichi:_ **

**_Suga and I will go. We’re heading there now_ **

**_Kenma:_ **

**_thank you. let us know if anything happens_ **

**_Bokuto:_ **

**_is tendou really gonna beat ushijima up because i will head over right now to help_ **

**_Iwaizumi:_ **

**_me too. i’m itching to clock that motherfucker in his smug little face_ **

**_Akaashi;_ **

**_Violence won’t solve anything. Besides, we don’t even know the whole story. Maybe he didn’t even do anything wrong._ **

**_Bokuto:_ **

**_he hurt y/n, akaashi :(_ **

**_Suga:_ **

**_I agree with Akaashi. Until we hear from y/n or Ushijima directly, we shouldn’t assume. Let’s all just take a breath and get all the information first._ **

**_Kuroo:_ **

**_as much as i’m upset that y/n is hurting, i think we need to focus on helping her instead of retaliating._ **

**_Tendou:_ **

**_i’m going to talk to wakatoshi. i’ll let you know if i learn anything._ **

  
  


Ushijima frowned down at his phone, watching as the messages came in one after another. The group chat created for everyone tasked with making sure y/n was okay was aflutter with activity, because of him. Or rather, what he’d done to you. It was clear that everyone was upset over the situation, including a few that felt anger towards him. He understood, somewhat; their friend was hurt and they felt protective over her. 

He understood because he was feeling the same thing. 

But he was the reason you were hurting in the first place, and you’d told him not to come back. There was nothing he could do. Nothing except give you time and space. He didn’t think he would hate it as much as he was. 

Ushijima missed you, a lot. Your friendship was important to him, and he didn’t realize how dull his life was without you until he lost you. Now, all he had was Tendou. Which used to be enough. He didn’t understand why it couldn’t be enough now. 

The pain in your eyes when he’d told you how your feelings weren’t real had replayed in his mind for a week straight, and the knowledge that he’d done that to you weighed heavily on him. You were an incredible person, with a kind heart and strength that rivaled anything he’d ever seen. You didn’t deserve pain, especially considering the suffering you’d already gone through. Having to say goodbye to volleyball, something you’d adored so much, it was unimaginable to him. He’d have no idea who he was without the sport. 

He shoved his phone back into his pocket and continued his jog, though the turmoil in his thoughts didn’t stop. 

_ ‘If you’re going to reject me, just man up and do it. Don’t bullshit me with these excuses.’ _

Ushijima shook his head, physically trying to get rid of the memory. The way your face contorted into pain and your voice broke as you said those words haunted him. He hadn’t rejected you, nor had he wanted to. He simply wanted to explain to you what you really were feeling, to avoid any confusion between the two of you. There was no way you’d be able to think completely rationally with what you’d been through, and he’d just wanted to tell you that. 

But you took it as a rejection, and you told him to leave. He’d had no choice but to listen, and make his way to the hole he’d dug for himself. He wished he had the chance to explain, or at least apologize. Even if you couldn’t forgive him or be his friend again, he’d at least like to help you stop hurting. After all, you’d already helped him more than you could ever know. 

He jogged back to the dorms and made his way to his room, deciding he was done for today. Ushijima turned the corner, only to stop in his tracks when he saw Tendou standing outside their door. The red-head met his eyes, and he lifted his arms in something akin to disbelief. 

“What happened?” 

It didn’t take a genius to know he was referring to what had happened with y/n. 

Ushijima ended up explaining everything to his roommate, as accurately as he could be just reciting from memory. Tendou was quiet for awhile after he was done, and the ace patiently waited for him to get his thoughts together and speak. 

“What the fuck, Wakatoshi?” He finally said, and Ushijima blinked in surprise. 

“What?” 

“Why would you say that to her? Invalidate her feelings like that?”

Ushijima frowned, “I was just explaining the most realistic possibility. There’s no way she was rationally-”

“Wakatoshi, I love you. You’re my best friend. But if you don’t shut up and listen to me, I’m gonna hit you.”

Ushijima blinked, but listened and stayed silent. Tendou sighed, running a hand through his hair. 

“You can’t tell her it’s not rational. That’s bullshit. Love itself isn’t rational, no feelings are. And you saying her feelings were just an exaggeration? That’s stupid. Y/n is one of the smartest people I know, and if she wasn’t sure of it, she would’ve never confessed to you. They may seem more intense because of the things she’s going through, but they’re still real. 

“She does have feelings for you, simple as that. And you straight up told her to her face that she didn’t. And she took that as a rejection.  _ Were  _ you trying to reject her?”

“No, of course not. I wouldn’t ever want to do that.” 

Tendou raised an eyebrow, “Are you saying you have feelings for her, too?” 

Ushijima furrowed his brows, lowering his eyes. He didn’t know how to answer that question. He’d never dealt with having feelings for someone before, so he didn’t really know what that entailed. But Tendou insisted that he did have some sort of romantic inclination to you, though that was mostly teasing. And from what you’d told him about having feelings for someone, he knew he felt some of that towards you. But did that really prove the existence of romantic feelings?

Love was unique, and, according to Tendou, irrational. It was different for each person who experienced it. How was he supposed to know what it felt like for him? 

“I… I don’t know.” He sighed, “But I know that I wouldn’t want to reject her.” 

“But you basically did, Wakatoshi-kun. At least, that’s how it seems to her. And now she’s hurting, more than she had been before.” 

“Well, what am I supposed to do? She made it clear that she doesn’t want to see me. And even if that weren’t the case, I don’t want to go to her if I’m not sure of my own feelings. That wouldn’t be fair to y/n. Especially if what you say is true, and her feelings are real even though I directly told her I thought they weren’t.” 

“Yeah, that’s probably smart. Still, we need to fix this. Y/n doesn’t deserve any extra pain right now, or at all.” 

“I know, Tendou. I don’t want her to hurt. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve never been in a situation like this before.” 

“Hm… well,” Tendou murmured, rubbing his chin, deep in thought. Then he lit up, and he met his roommate’s gaze, “Her birthday’s coming up.” 

Ushijima frowned, confusion in his eyes, “Her birthday? What does that have to do with anything?” 

His red-headed roommate grinned, a familiar smile that meant he had a plan brewing. It made Ushijima feel slightly nervous. He clapped a hand onto the ace’s shoulder, squeezing slightly. 

“Well, Wakatoshi-kun, what better gift could you give her than fixing what you broke?” 

___________________

So apparently, getting your heart broken was a bitch. You’d spent the weeks since the incident in a limbo, teetering between depression and anger. One second, you’d be wallowing in misery, and the next you’d be aching to break something or scream. It was a barrage of emotions, constantly, and you hated it. Almost as much as you hated the fact that you’d bore your feelings to Ushijima and he’d responded by telling you they weren’t real. 

Honestly, part of you wondered if it would hurt less if he just straight up told you he didn’t want you. 

Either way, you’d still end up where you are now. Trying to live your life without him, after becoming so comfortable with him in it. 

You sighed, running your hands over your face and pausing in your walk down the path outside the hospital. You’d spent the last couple weeks trying to distract yourself from the emotional pain you were going through, which meant throwing yourself into your physical therapy work. You hoped that by making your body feel better, your heart would feel better too. 

The theory had yet to actually work. 

But your leg was improving, so that was a relief. Your knee was still super messed up, though, and you couldn’t bend it at all. While that limited your ability to walk, it didn’t completely remove it from the list of things you could do. So you spent every chance you had moving around your little room or outside, hobbling on your good leg and putting as little weight on your bad one as you could. It was exhausting, and painful, but it made you feel somewhat normal again. That feeling was the only thing keeping you going at this point.

“Are you okay? Is it your leg?” 

You looked over, watching as your brother caught up to you on the trail. He held his usual game console in his hands, though the game was paused. Ever since you started walking around again, and had your falling out with Ushijima, he’d been extra caring and worried towards you. While it was nice to see he cared, you also felt like you were suffocating at times. You couldn’t get better if he just smothered you all the time. 

“Yeah, I’m okay. And no, it’s not my leg. I just… was thinking.” You explained, leaning against a nearby bench. 

“About what?” He asked. 

“Doesn’t matter. Just- things.” You shook your head, hoping he’d just drop the conversation and quit probing. You hadn’t told him what happened with Ushijima, though you were pretty sure him and all your friends already knew. Ushijima had told Tendou, and you didn’t have to be a genius to know your red-headed best friend blabbed his mouth to everyone else. 

You weren’t mad at him, you knew he just cared and wanted to help. But you really wished he wouldn’t go talking about things that had nothing to do with him. 

“It does matter. I wanna know what you’re thinking.” Kenma muttered, grabbing your arm. You looked over at him, meeting his eyes, “I used to know just by looking at you. But you’ve been shutting me out, lately. I feel like I’ve been left in the dark. Please, just talk to me.” 

Guilt settled in your chest, and you swallowed. You loved your brother, more than you loved anyone else on the face of the Earth. He was your other half, the one person who knew you better than you knew yourself. He also was a constant source of support and care, always knowing exactly what you felt and how to help. But apparently, lately you’d been pushing him away, and he’d noticed. You could imagine the hurt he felt at being shut out by the person he was closest to. 

“I’m sorry.” You whispered, looking away. 

“Don’t be sorry. Just talk to me.” 

You sighed, sitting down on the bench to give your leg a break, “It’s… kind of a lot.” 

Kenma sat next to you, nudging your arm, “I asked you to tell me what’s going on, all of it. I’m prepared for a lot. Not just a portion of it.” 

You rolled your eyes, a small smile on your lips. “I didn’t know you could be such a softie, ken-ken.” 

He wrinkled his nose in disgust. “Don’t call me that. Also, this is a one-time thing. So take advantage of it while you can.” 

“Mm, fine.” You took a breath of the fresh air, then spoke, “I’m just… really fucked up over this whole Ushijima thing. Even though it’s been like a month, it- it still hurts like it was yesterday. I’ve never been one for romance or relationships, you know. Putting it on the backburner so I could focus on volleyball. Honestly, a part of me was sure I’d just never do the whole love thing. And I was okay with that. 

“But then he came into my life, and he… he was everything. Everything was so bleak for me, but then he’d walk into the room and I’d smile. I felt like it was impossible to smile after what happened, but then I’d see him and it would just happen. Instinctually. He made me so happy, in a time when happiness wasn’t something I thought I’d have again. And it wasn’t even romantic for quite awhile, I just loved being around him. 

“He was interesting, and funny, and I felt like I could say anything around him. I felt so comfortable around him, and I felt so supported. It was exactly what I needed.” You swallowed, “And what I still need.”

Kenma stayed silent, and you continued, “He made me forget about my pain, and see hope. Made me think that I could be okay without volleyball, that I could find other things to fall in love with. I could tell he liked being around me, too, so I assumed I was doing something right. Plus, he still came every week when he didn’t have to, so I thought that was a good indicator. I felt good with him, and I thought it would last.

“It wasn’t long after that when I realized I’d fallen for him. I mean, it was pretty obvious. And it wasn’t like I really ever had a choice in it. As soon as I let him into my life, I knew he’d be important. I could feel it, from the very beginning. It was terrifying, but exhilarating at the same time. He made me question everything, in the best way possible. 

“I never wanted to tell him. I knew what would happen. He’d either reject me, or he wouldn’t but I’d end up holding him back. I didn’t want either of those, so I settled for being his friend. Even though every fiber in my body ached when he was around. Ached to touch him, kiss him, just…  _ be his _ . It felt like the only thing I could ever want. But I held back. 

“Akaashi and Bokuto think they convinced me to tell him, but that’s not it. All they did was remind me of something. I’m not someone who cowers in fear. I chase what I want, regardless of how much it makes me nervous. My feelings for Ushijima shouldn’t have been any different. So I told him, and it went in the worst way possible. 

“I don’t really know if he rejected me or not, even after all this time passed. But I do know that he didn’t return the feelings, or seem happy to hear about mine. That was enough information for me. In fact, he told me they weren’t real.  _ Him,  _ telling  _ me  _ that  _ my _ feelings weren’t real. It hurt. God, it hurt. 

“My heart broke, and I was once again left feeling hopeless. I was angry, and pained, and so sad. So I told him not to come back, and I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth. But I can’t take them back, and I’m not sure if I want to. He really hurt me, and I don’t see a way to get past all that. Even though I know he didn’t mean to cause me any pain. 

“I just… everything’s so messy. I wish I’d just never fallen for him, or never been his friend at all. I wish I hadn’t gone out with Kasumi that day. I wish I could go back before all this and just avoid it all. But at the same time I don’t. 

“I don’t want to lose the feeling of loving Ushijima Wakatoshi, no matter how much it hurts me. I don’t want to go without the feeling of my heart thundering in my chest every time he looks at me. I don’t want to forget all the times he made me laugh, and helped me when I was crying, and gave me something to look forward to in the darkest time of my life. I don’t want to forget all he’s done for me. 

“I love him. I love him so much it hurts, and I probably always will. It’s the realest thing I’ve ever felt, and I wish I could just show him that. Prove that the feelings are real, despite what he thinks. Or, at least, I wish I could be his friend again. That’d be enough for me, just having him in my life. And I knew the day would come when he’d leave, but I never expected it to be this soon. 

“I knew that one day I’d watch him play on TV, all the world watching, and I’d smile. I’d remember him as the boy I loved, the one who sat by my hospital bed and made my Thursdays bright. I’d be so proud, and my heart would ache, missing him, but I’d know that he was happy. And that would be the most important thing, that he was happy. I was prepared for that. But I wasn’t prepared to lose him so soon. I took my time for granted.” 

By the time you got it all out, your throat was tight and your eyes stung. You’d kept all that in for so long, and letting it spew out was more impactful than you’d thought it be. You didn’t think you’d realized just how deep the pain you felt went. You dropped your gaze to your lap, swallowing back the rising tears. 

Your brother stayed silent, and you felt pity for him. He wasn’t exactly good at the emotional, comfort stuff. So this whole thing was out of his comfort zone. Yet, he was still trying, and that meant the world to you. You really did love him a lot. 

“You miss him, huh?” He finally spoke, voice quiet. 

You nodded. “So much. So, so much.” 

“You should reach out to him. I know he misses you, too. Both of you are miserable without each other.” Kenma explained, “I’m sure you can fix this, somehow. You both just need to explain your side of it and come to a compromise. You don’t need to sit here and suffer. You can make it right.” 

You sighed, shaking your head, “Kenma, I don’t think that’s an option. I’m pretty positive he doesn’t feel the same way, and I don’t want to make him uncomfortable. Who’d want to hang around someone they know has feelings for them, but they don’t feel the same way? It’s so awkward.” 

“I think you’d rather deal with some awkwardness than the pain you feel without him. Don’t you agree?” 

You pursed your lips. Damn him for being so fucking smart. “Yeah. I guess.” 

“Talk to him. Don’t leave things on a bad note. That won’t do anything for either of you except cause pain. Which is stupid.

“You literally said you love him, so it’s clear you’re confident in your feelings. Show that to him. Explain it. Clear up the confusion. I think you might get a different result than when you originally confessed.” 

“I don’t know, Kenma…” You trailed off. 

“What happened to not being scared? Not letting fear hold you back? Or have you decided you’re done with that just because you hit a wall?” 

Okay, so suddenly your gamer brother was an all-intelligent being or something, because what the fuck. You knew what he was saying was true, but your hurting heart didn’t want to hear it. It was stubborn, focusing on the ache you felt without Ushijima instead of the solutions your brain and others were coming up with. Which was majorly stupid. 

“Damn.” You spoke, looking at him. He simply shrugged, eyes staring at you inquisitively. Like he was waiting for you to say something. Which you quickly realized he was. 

Could you do it? Could you reach out to Ushijima again, and try to fix this? Could you look at him without being overwhelmed by all the emotions he evoked in you? Could you forgive him for what he’d said, and in turn have him forgive you for reacting harshly? It sounded a lot easier than you knew it would be. 

You looked back at your brother. “I’ll try to fix things with Ushijima if you tell Hinata how you feel about him.” 

Kenma rolled his eyes, looking down at his game and unpausing it, “One of us chases what we want even when we’re scared, and that person is not me.” 

You laughed, lightly smacking his arm, “Oh, come on. How can you give me that great, intelligent pep talk and then not take your own advice?”

“Let me live with my denial in peace. I’ve got a good balance of loneliness and misery going on.” 

“Kenma.” You put your head on his shoulder, sighing, “I’m not gonna make you, and I’m probably gonna end up trying to fix things with Ushijima anyways. But I wish you’d go after your happiness, too. You deserve it.” 

“Yeah, yeah. I know. Just let me figure it out on my own, okay?” 

“Hm. Okay. But if we’re like 30 and you still haven’t done anything, I’ll take matters into my own hands.” 

“Okay. Deal.” Kenma responded, and you could hear the smile in his voice. 

You hummed in response, looking up at the sky, Kenma’s videogame keeping you from total silence. You had a lot on your mind, especially after everything your brother said. There was also the fact that you’d openly admitted to loving Ushijima. Though you’d already known that, it was the first time you’d said it out loud. It was amazing how terrified that made you. 

You had to talk to him. You knew that. You owed it to yourself, and to him, to fix this. If, after that, he still rejected you, so be it. At least you could part ways on good terms. Maybe you’d be able to move on, some day in the very distant future. But, honestly, you couldn’t imagine a time in your life where you wouldn’t love him with every fiber of your being. 

Still, you had to talk to him. You knew that. It was just a matter of making yourself actually do it. 

___________________

After three long, hard months, you finally got to leave the hospital and go home. You weren’t completely healed yet, but you were good enough that they decided you could start to get back to your normal life. It was such a relief, even though you’d still be back there three times a week for physical therapy. At least you’d get to sleep in your own bed. That’s what was important. 

The doctors gave you medicine to take, crutches to use in order to not overexert your leg, and then sent you on your way. 

The moment you walked into your house for the first time in months, you could’ve cried. Everything was so homey and big and inviting. You wanted to kiss every inch of it. And you almost did, but Kuroo was there making food and the smell distracted you as your stomach grumbled. You’d get to eat good food again. Real, homemade, delicious food. 

Suddenly, you wanted to kiss Kuroo instead of the house. Simply because he was making you food. 

When you entered the kitchen, though, you were in for a surprise. Everyone was in there. Seriously. You scanned the room, catching each individual before moving on. Kuroo, Oikawa, Iwaizumi, Bokuto, Akaashi, Suga, Daichi, Tendou, and even Hinata. They all were crowded in your kitchen, mingling with each other and helping Kuroo with food. 

Well, almost everyone. The person you missed most was missing, of course.

Their attention turned to you as you walked into the room, and there was a second of silence before the room erupted into noise again. They all made their way over, telling you how happy they were that you were home and how it was nice to see you were doing well. Other things were said, but you couldn’t really pick up on them in the barrage of noise. Honestly, you were sorta panicked. Being surrounded by loud, tall boys wasn’t exactly a relaxing activity. 

“Hey, hey!” Kuroo called, shoving through all the boys to stand between you and them. You breathed a sigh of relief, allowing yourself to hide behind him, “She literally just walked in. Give her some space. Be a little more civilized, yeah?” 

Your friends were quick to listen, backing up and giving you space. Kuroo turned to you, smiling brightly. 

“Thank you.” You breathed, smiling back. He nodded, patting your head. 

“Yeah, of course. I’m glad you’re home.” 

You nodded. “Me too.” 

“Y/n! Y/n! Are you feeling better now?” Hinata asked, jumping in place, “I’m glad you’re back home!” 

You looked over at the energetic boy, laughing lightly, “Yes, I’m feeling better. And I’m glad I’m back home, too.” 

“What’s the verdict on your leg?” Akaashi asked. 

You turned your eyes to the Fukurodani setter and spoke. “I’ve still got a long way to go as far as healing, but I’m doing really well. As long as I take my medicine and  use my crutches whenever I’ve used my leg for more than the limited time, I should be fine. And I have to keep doing physical therapy.” 

“That’s good. I’m glad you’re getting better.” Suga piped up, smiling brightly. 

“And just in time for your birthday! We’re planning to have a party for you and Kenma this weekend. It’s a requirement, so don’t think about getting out of it.” Bokuto warned, though his expression was bright. 

“Ugh.” You heard Kenma say from behind you. He’d been following you into the kitchen but stopped when the crowd of boys had started moving towards you. 

“I look forward to it.” You smiled brightly at your friends.

“Okay, I gotta finish dinner. All you guys, come help and let the Kozume twins get settled.” Kuroo stated, and the whole group followed after to help him. 

You limped over to Tendou and grabbed his wrist before he could go with, stopping him in place. He looked at you, a little smile on his face, “Did you need something, Wild Girl?” 

“Can we talk?” You asked, and your serious tone made him tense up, “Outside.” 

He nodded, his brows furrowed, “Sure.” 

The two of you made your way outside, him helping you so you didn’t have to use the crutches. Once you’d left the house, you leaned against a pillar on the front porch and turned to Tendou as he shut the front door and looked at you. 

“What did you want to talk about?” He asked, even though both of you knew exactly what you’d come out here to speak to him about. 

“How is he?” You asked, feeling your stomach flip. Why were you so nervous? All you were doing was asking about someone you cared about. It wasn’t worthy of this much anxiety. 

Tendou sighed, leaning against the side of your house, “I don’t think he’s doing too well. He does a good job hiding it, but I know him better than anyone. He’s hurting. A lot. And he’s trying to avoid it by throwing himself into volleyball. All he does is practice. From the moment school ends to curfew, when he has to go back to our dorm. I barely see him, other than actual team practices and night time. He misses you, and he feels terrible.” 

You bit your lip and let your eyes fall to your feet, feeling your heart break a little more. Ushijima was hurting because of you, because you’d sent him away. If you’d had any doubts about fixing things with him, they were gone now. Screw your pride. You cared more about him than you did about being right. 

“God, I feel terrible too. I have since pretty much the moment he left. I want to fix things, and apologize.” You explained, “I don’t even need him to say he has feelings for me too, or that he even wants to be friends again. I just want to be able to stop him from hurting. I hate that it took me so long to figure that out.” 

“Y/n, I promise he still wants to be your friend. And as far as feelings go, you just need to be patient with him. He’s never dealt with stuff like that before. But I promise you he at least feels the same way a little bit.” Tendou told you, “He wants to fix things, too. He actually was planning on doing it soon. But I think you should reach out to him. He needs that right now, and you do too.” 

“Yeah, I know.” You ran a hand over your face, “Do you think he’s still mad at me?” 

“I don’t think he ever was. He’s just sad. He wants you back in his life.” 

“And I want him back in mine.” 

Tendou smiled at your words, body language turning from worried to excited, “Reach out to him. ASAP.” 

You nodded, feeling encouraged by his words, “I will. I promise. Thank you for this.” 

“Of course. I’m happy to help.” He ruffled your hair, “Do you need help getting back inside?” 

“No, no I’m okay.” You shook your head, “I think I’m going to stay out here and think for a minute. You go on ahead.” 

“Okay. Don’t run off. And call for me if you need anything.” Tendou told you, and you acknowledged his words before he went back inside, leaving you alone. 

You sighed, looking up at the night sky as thoughts swirled around in your mind. 

_ And as far as feelings go, you just need to be patient with him. He’s never dealt with stuff like that before. But I promise you he at least feels the same way a little bit. _

Tendou’s words replayed in your mind, making your heart beat out of your chest and your hands tremble. Could it really be possible? Could Ushijima somehow feel the same way for you, even if it was small? You had a hard time believing it, but the chance that it was true made you want to run to him right now. 

You wouldn’t do that, though, and you wouldn’t pressure him at all. You just wanted to fix what happened so the two of you could stop hurting. If you were lucky, you could be friends again. You didn’t expect a relationship, and you didn’t think you really wanted one right now. You just wanted him back. That was all. 

Which meant you’d have to reach out to him. And soon. 

Right now seemed like as good a time as ever. 


	12. twelve

_ “You’ve reached Wakatoshi-kun’s phone. He either didn’t answer because he’s busy or because he didn’t want to, there’s no telling. If it’s important, leave a message. I can’t guarantee he’ll get back to you, though.”  _

The familiar sound of Tendou’s voice came from your phone as your call to Ushijima went to voicemail. You’d decided to call him, not giving yourself time to second-guess yourself and chicken out. But, just your luck, he didn’t answer. You hoped he was just busy, and not ignoring you. You remembered Tendou saying that he’d been immersing himself in volleyball lately, and you prayed that was the case right now. 

The beep indicating that the voicemail had begun came through the phone, and you took a deep breath. 

“Uh, hey.” You began, lamely, “It’s, uh… me. Y/n. I, um, I wanted to talk to you.” 

You stopped, mentally facepalming. You needed to get it together, and stop being a mumbling mess. It was just Ushijima. You’d talked to him many times. This shouldn’t be any different. 

“I know it’s been awhile, and I’m sorry for that. Actually, I’m sorry for a lot of things. That’s why I’m calling. To apologize. Well, that’s not the only reason, but it’s the biggest one. I think. Anyways, um, sorry for doing this over the phone. I know it’s kinda cowardly of me. But I figured it would be easiest, given the circumstances.

“But that’s not what I called to talk to you about. I- well, basically, I miss you. I have since pretty much the second you left my hospital room. And my life is already hard enough right now without the addition of missing you. Plus, I feel terrible. For what I said to you, for not reaching out sooner, for all of it. 

“Really, what I’m trying to say is I’m sorry. I’m sorry for how I reacted to you, and for not trying to talk it out with you instead. I’m sorry for telling you to not come back, that was selfish of me. This friendship isn’t one-sided, and it wasn’t just my decision if it was time to end it or not. So I’m sorry. I know I probably hurt you, and I’m apologizing for that. 

“Also, I forgive you. I forgive you for what you said about my feelings. I know you meant no harm, and that’s what you thought about it. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, but you did. So I forgive you. Whether you want my forgiveness or not, you’re getting it. End of discussion.” You laughed lightly at yourself, shaking your head. This was stupid. 

“I want you to know that my feelings haven’t gone anywhere. They’re still here, strong as ever. If not stronger than they were before. Which makes me pretty sure that they’re real. I mean, if they stem from the happiness I get from seeing you and are just an exaggeration of that, how could I still feel them when I haven’t seen you in a month? I think that pretty much proves it. 

“But that’s not what’s important. I don’t expect you to return my feelings, that’s not what I want. I mean, it’d be nice if you felt the same, of course, but I care more about you than I do about something like that. I don’t want a relationship with you or anything, or for you to feel pressured like that. I just want to be your friend, I want you in my life. That matters more to me than how I feel about you. And I hope you can see that, and be okay with it. 

“Honestly, if you don’t want to be friends with me, I’ll understand. I won’t be mad. This is a difficult situation, and people react differently. If you don’t want to be my friend, that’s fine. But at least forgive me so we can end on good terms. I think we deserve that much, don’t you? 

“Anyways, I know this is a lot to hear over the phone. So if you want, we could meet up sometime and talk about it face to face. I know I’d like that. I hope you would, too. And, uh, as far as my feelings, they’re pretty strong. And there’s something I want to say to you, but it’s not the type of thing you say over the phone, especially not in a voicemail. So that can wait. 

“I just want you to know that, how strong my feelings are. In case you ever feel the same. Honestly, if you asked me to wait for you, I’d wait as long as I needed to. That’s how sure I am. But, if you told me it wouldn’t happen and that I needed to move on, I’d try to do that. Because I respect what you want. That’s more important to me than how I feel, so don’t feel pressured. 

“And, uh, I think that’s it. I’m sorry for blabbering all this, but I just couldn’t wait any longer. I missed you. I hope we can fix this, and be friends again. Or at least end it on a good note. Whatever you are comfortable with, really. You’ve done so much for me, I owe you that at least. Anyways, I’m, uh, I’m sorry. I hope you’re doing well. See you soon, maybe. Bye.” 

You ended the call, confirming that you were done with your voicemail, and let out a heavy sigh. That was a lot harder than you’d thought it would be. What if he didn’t want to be friends, or forgive you? What would you do then? Life was already so desolate without him, what would it be like if he was permanently gone? 

No, you couldn’t think like that. Letting yourself get stuck in a negative mindset would do nothing but cause harm. You’d just hope for the best, and not overthink it. Besides, you had a house full of people who loved you to keep you busy for the time being. That would take your mind off it for the next while. 

You slipped your phone into your pocket and limped back over to the door, ready to go back in. But you heard something from inside and stopped in your tracks. 

_ “Dude, stop pushing me! I’m trying to hear if she’s saying anything else.”  _

A voice came from the other side of the door, one you were pretty positive belonged to Bokuto. 

_“Shh! Don’t be so loud. Do you_ ** _want_** _her to find us?”_ That voice was Kenma, though it was much quieter than Bokuto had been. You held back a smile, staying as quiet as you could. As annoying as it might have been that they were eavesdropping, you couldn’t help but find it sort of hilarious that they were crowded around the door trying to hear you. 

“I can’t wait to get back to my dorm and see Wakatoshi-kun’s reaction to the voicemail.” You heard Tendou say, nearly singing the words in delight. 

“You better update us as soon as you get back.” That was Kuroo. 

“Okay, but are we going to talk about how mature she’s being? Putting her feelings aside and prioritizing their friendship instead of potentially causing more pain for both of them? I’m so proud of her.” Suga’s voice came up next. 

“Yeah, but isn’t it sorta sad? She, like, loves him but she can’t be with him. That has to hurt.” Hinata piped up. 

“I don’t know why she’d ever fall for him in the first place. Like, what’s the appeal? I don’t see it.” Oikawa said, dramatic as always. 

You frowned at that, though you weren’t surprised that Oikawa didn’t approve of your feelings. He and Ushijima weren’t exactly friends. Still, he had no idea what Ushijima was actually like. He was judging him based on an extremely limited point of view, one that didn’t even portray him all that truthfully. Honestly, no one really saw how Ushijima was. Other than you and Tendou, who actually put in the time and effort to get to know him. 

“You obviously haven’t seen the way she smiles when she’s with him.” Kenma muttered. 

“Or the way he lights up when he’s around her.” Tendou added. 

You felt your heart give a jolt, and you couldn’t help but smile. Did he really light up when he was around you? If Tendou was saying it, it could’ve been true. But he could be exaggerating. Still, the thought made you giddy. 

You silently moved over to the door, pausing for a second before opening it as quick as you could. The boys, who had been leaning against the door to listen to what you were saying, all toppled out into a pile on the porch. You watched, amused, as they all groaned in pain and scrambled to untangle themselves from each other and get to their feet. Hinata was the first to his feet, and he gave you an apologetic look. 

“It’s not nice to eavesdrop, you know.” You told them all, crossing your arms over your chest. 

“You’re the one pouring your heart out as loud as you can on the front porch.” Kuroo responded, “You can’t blame us for listening.” 

“So he didn’t pick up?” Oikawa asked. 

You shook your head, “No. But Tendou says he’s been really busy with volleyball lately, so I’m hoping that’s why.” 

“He was playing when I left. I wouldn’t be surprised if he still is now. Don’t worry, he’ll respond to you when he can.” Tendou assured you. You nodded at him, giving a grateful smile. 

“I’m glad you’re fixing things with him.” Bokuto grinned, but then his expression turned somber, “I felt really bad when everything first happened. It was Akaashi and I who made you confess to him.” 

You limped over to him, placing a hand on his arm and squeezing gently, “No, Bokuto. It wasn’t you guys. You just reminded me that I couldn’t be scared. I’m the one who chose to do it, and it’s okay. It’s all gonna work out.” 

He smiled again, not as bright as before, and nodded, “I’m glad you’re not mad at me. I don’t know what I’d do if you were.” 

“I could never be mad at you, Bokuto. I love you too much.” You laughed, and he chuckled before pulling you into a hug and slightly lifting you off the ground. 

“Good. I love you too.” 

“How about we go inside and eat now? I think Akaashi, Daichi, and Iwaizumi are finished setting it all out.” Suga piped up. 

“That’s a great idea.” Kenma sighed, and he was already going back into the house before he even finished speaking. 

You smiled after him, going in with the rest of the boys and leaning against Bokuto for support. You and all your friends ate dinner together after that, covering every surface that could possibly be sat on in the living room and chatting loudly. It felt good to be in this environment. Being in your own home, eating delicious food, surrounded by almost all of your favorite people. You’d really missed having a normal life like this. 

So you enjoyed your evening, and let your attention get swept up in all the activity. Well, you tried to. But you found yourself checking your phone for notifications more than you liked to admit. 

___________________

Ushijima stood on the end of the court, glaring at the net as he tossed the volleyball from one of his hands to the other over and over. He was sweaty and out of breath, and his limbs burned from how much he’d used them in the last four hours. But it was better than sitting around and thinking about what he’d done wrong. Nothing was worse than regret. He’d been quick to realize that about a month ago when you told him not to come back. 

Since then, he’d experienced loneliness in a way he’d never felt it before. Sure, he’d been lonely before- it wasn’t as if he was extremely social- but nothing like this. His life felt completely off-kilter without you in it, and it was throwing everything off. He couldn’t focus on anything, his mind constantly drifting to you or something you-adjacent. His volleyball playing was faltering. Only slightly, but it was still too much for his liking. And, really, he just felt… heavy all the time. 

He was supposed to try to fix things on your birthday, which was coming up next week, but as it drew closer he became more and more unsure. If you’d wanted him back in your life, wouldn’t you have reached out by now? Given him more of an indication that you missed how things used to be? You hadn’t done that, though. In fact, there had been nothing but silence on your end. 

His end, too, but that was only because he was afraid. 

Afraid of hurting you more, or of not being able to fix it. Afraid that you’d tell him to go again. Afraid that you’d hate him or look at him with anger and hurt in your eyes. Afraid to face you after what you’d told him about your feelings. Because if they were real, that would change everything for him. He didn’t think he was prepared for that. 

Though, he was pretty sure he feared the prospect of a life without you more. 

Ushijima sighed, bouncing the ball on the floor a couple times before getting ready to do a practice serve. He’d been having trouble with these lately, unable to get the ball just where he wanted it. It was infuriating. Volleyball was his thing, the thing he excelled at. But here he was, struggling with something he used to find as easy as breathing. He’d blame it on you, but he knew it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t make him falter like this, it was his own emotions manifesting. 

He did a jump serve, sending it over the net and slamming it on the ground with immense power. It was a good serve, but it wasn’t perfect. There was something wrong. Why couldn’t he snap out of this?

“Excuse me.” A voice called, and he turned to the gym doors to spot a janitor standing there, “I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to call it a night. It’s nearly curfew, and the gym needs to be cleaned.” 

He frowned, but didn’t show any other indication of the frustration he felt. He didn’t want to leave and go back to his room. He wasn’t ready to be overwhelmed with his thoughts again, it was exhausting. But it seemed he had no other choice. He wasn’t one to disobey orders. 

“Of course. I’ll go right now.” He said, before hurrying over to the bench to grab his stuff. He hung his bag from his shoulder, wrapping his towel over his neck and holding his water bottle in his left hand. As he left, he gave the janitor a polite smile before taking a long drink from the bottle. 

The night air was cool against his skin, and he relished in the feeling as he crossed the campus to the dorms. Tendou was most likely back now, which meant he’d have no time to be alone with his thoughts. Which was a good thing, honestly. His thoughts were terrible, lately. 

He took a quick shower in the communal washrooms first, getting rid of the remnants from practicing for hours. After that, it was straight to his room. 

As he’d correctly guessed, Tendou was there. Lounging in his bed, reading one of his many mangas. Ushijima closed the door behind him, hanging his bag on a hook jutting out from the wall. Tendou sat up as he entered, and the ace could feel his roommate’s eyes on him with everything he did. Finally, Ushijima met his eyes. 

“Why are you staring at me?” 

“I just got back from hanging out with y/n.” He said, even though Ushijima already knew that. His tone hinted that there was more to the story. But just the mention of your name had him clenching his fists as another bout of guilt washed over him. 

“I know that. Why are you telling me?” He asked, straightening up his things. 

Tendou was quiet for a bit before he finally spoke again, “You haven’t checked your phone, have you?” 

Ushijima glanced at him, raising an eyebrow. His phone? What was he talking about? “No. Why?” 

“You should look. I think you’ll find it very interesting.” 

Something was clearly going on, and Tendou being so secretive made his skin crawl. He wasn’t used to the redhead keeping things to himself. He pursed his lips, but made his way to his bag to fish out his phone. It was on silent, like always, so any messages he’d gotten while practicing had been ignored. But he didn’t really get messages in general, so he never worried about it. 

At least, he hadn’t. Then he looked down at his phone screen. 

_ (3 hrs ago)  _ **_One Missed Call From: Y/n_ **

_ (3 hrs ago)  _ **_One New Voicemail From: Y/n_ **

He felt his stomach drop, and he gripped the phone tighter in his hand. You’d called him. For the first time in a month you’d called him, and he’d missed it. He felt a little like he’d been punched in the face. Then he glanced at the phone again, and his brain started to work again. 

You’d left him a voicemail. What did it say? Were you telling him you wanted to fix things, to be friends again? Were you calling to reiterate the fact that you didn’t want him in your life anymore? A hundred possibilities ran through his mind at lightning speed, making him doubt each one as soon as the new one popped up. 

He was frozen. Standing there, staring at the phone, unable to play the message he was desperate to know the content of. Ushijima’d never been one to shy away from things like this, yet here he was. He needed to get a hold of himself. 

“Wakatoshi-kun?” 

Ushijima looked over at his roommate, the voice breaking him out of his stupor. He blinked, wrapping his fingers around the phone. 

Swallowing, he spoke, “What is this?” 

Tendou smiled, eyes glistening, “Why don’t you listen to it and find out?” 

He sighed, feeling a little anxious, but did as he was told. Nothing would happen if he just stood there, doing nothing. He pressed play on the message, holding the phone up to his ear. Your voice rang out from the other side, and he couldn’t help but realize how much he’d missed hearing it. 

_ “Uh, hey. It’s, uh… me. Y/n. I, um, I wanted to talk to you.”  _

_ “I know it’s been awhile, and I’m sorry for that. Actually, I’m sorry for a lot of things. That’s why I’m calling. To apologize. Well, that’s not the only reason, but it’s the biggest one. I think. Anyways, um, sorry for doing this over the phone. I know it’s kinda cowardly of me. But I figured it would be easiest, given the circumstances. _

_ “But that’s not what I called to talk to you about. I- well, basically, I miss you. I have since pretty much the second you left my hospital room. And my life is already hard enough right now without the addition of missing you. Plus, I feel terrible. For what I said to you, for not reaching out sooner, for all of it.  _

_ “Really, what I’m trying to say is I’m sorry. I’m sorry for how I reacted to you, and for not trying to talk it out with you instead. I’m sorry for telling you to not come back, that was selfish of me. This friendship isn’t one-sided, and it wasn’t just my decision if it was time to end it or not. So I’m sorry. I know I probably hurt you, and I’m apologizing for that.  _

_ “Also, I forgive you. I forgive you for what you said about my feelings. I know you meant no harm, and that’s what you thought about it. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, but you did. So I forgive you. Whether you want my forgiveness or not, you’re getting it. End of discussion. _

_ “I want you to know that my feelings haven’t gone anywhere. They’re still here, strong as ever. If not stronger than they were before. Which makes me pretty sure that they’re real. I mean, if they stem from the happiness I get from seeing you and are just an exaggeration of that, how could I still feel them when I haven’t seen you in a month? I think that pretty much proves it.  _

_ “But that’s not what’s important. I don’t expect you to return my feelings, that’s not what I want. I mean, it’d be nice if you felt the same, of course, but I care more about you than I do about something like that. I don’t want a relationship with you or anything, or for you to feel pressured like that. I just want to be your friend, I want you in my life. That matters more to me than how I feel about you. And I hope you can see that, and be okay with it.  _

_ “Honestly, if you don’t want to be friends with me, I’ll understand. I won’t be mad. This is a difficult situation, and people react differently. If you don’t want to be my friend, that’s fine. But at least forgive me so we can end on good terms. I think we deserve that much, don’t you?  _

_ “Anyways, I know this is a lot to hear over the phone. So if you want, we could meet up sometime and talk about it face to face. I know I’d like that. I hope you would, too. And, uh, as far as my feelings, they’re pretty strong. And there’s something I want to say to you, but it’s not the type of thing you say over the phone, especially not in a voicemail. So that can wait.  _

_ “I just want you to know that, how strong my feelings are. In case you ever feel the same. Honestly, if you asked me to wait for you, I’d wait as long as I needed to. That’s how sure I am. But, if you told me it wouldn’t happen and that I needed to move on, I’d try to do that. Because I respect what you want. That’s more important to me than how I feel, so don’t feel pressured.  _

_ “And, uh, I think that’s it. I’m sorry for blabbering all this, but I just couldn’t wait any longer. I missed you. I hope we can fix this, and be friends again. Or at least end it on a good note. Whatever you are comfortable with, really. You’ve done so much for me, I owe you that at least. Anyways, I’m, uh, I’m sorry. I hope you’re doing well. See you soon, maybe. Bye.”  _

Ushijima listened to the message three times before he thought he’d processed it enough. You wanted to be friends again. You missed him. You were sorry, and you forgave him. You knew your feelings were real, and you felt them stronger now than what you felt when he was still around. You’d wait for him if he wanted you to, but you didn’t have any expectations for anything from him except friendship. It was a lot of information to take in. 

He slowly lowered his phone from his ear, trying to get his thoughts together. He wanted to be friends again, and he wanted to see you. He knew that much. Everything else was… blurry. That’s the best way he could describe it. 

“So?” Tendou asked, catching his roommate’s attention once again. 

Ushijima met his eyes. He had an idea. A stupid, reckless one, but an idea all the same. He knew if he asked Tendou for help, his request would be accepted. 

“Can I ask you something?” 

Ushijima ran down the street, extremely aware of how late it was and how he was supposed to be in his dorm. But he was letting himself be impulsive, for once in his life. It was thrilling in a strange way. He could see the appeal in breaking rules and chasing adrenaline. Though he knew that wasn’t the type of life for him. 

He turned a corner and picked up the pace, trying to get to his destination as fast as possible. He’d been right when he guessed that Tendou would help him, and he was extremely grateful for that. Because, as he slowed to a stop, he turned and faced the place he’d been trying so hard to get to. 

Your house. 

He’d never been here before, considering the two of you weren’t friends until you ended up in the hospital, so he had to get your address from Tendou. It was a nice place, with big windows and lots of light colors. All the lights in the house were off, but he could see a light glow coming from one of the front windows. He desperately hoped it was you and that you weren’t asleep. 

Trying to get his breathing under control, he clenched and unclenched his fists and made his way to your front door. He didn’t know what he was doing here, or what he was going to say when he saw you, all he knew was that he missed you. And the thought of having to wait to see you was so unacceptable to him that he’d ran all the way from his school to here. Not that long of a journey, but still far enough. 

Once at the door, he took a breath before forcing himself to knock. There were a few moments where nothing happened, and then the door finally opened. A boy stood on the other side, about the same age as Ushijima. He was your brother’s friend, and the Nekoma team captain. The one with the permanent bedhead. Kuroo? 

Kuroo looked him up and down, raising an eyebrow. 

After a moment of neither speaking, Ushijima cleared his throat, “I’m here to see y/n.” 

Kuroo rolled his eyes, but moved out of the way to let the Shiratorizawa ace into the house, “Well, yeah. I didn’t think you were here to visit me.” He closed the door behind the two of them and moved farther into the house, “She just headed to bed a bit ago. But her and her brother have a bad habit of procrastinating sleep, so I’m sure she’s still awake.” 

Ushijima followed him, glancing around at the house. It was quaint. They passed the living room, and he glanced in to see your brother lounging on the couch and playing a video game on the TV. Hinata Shoyo laid on his chest, fast asleep. 

“Who was it?” Your brother called, and he looked over, clearly expecting to see Kuroo. When his eyes landed on Ushijima, they widened, and his hands paused on the controller they held, “What are you doing here?” 

“I came to talk to y/n. She left me a voicemail. I decided to come in person instead of call back.” 

Your brother furrowed his brows, seeming to analyze the other boy for a minute, before he sighed and looked back at the TV, “If you pull the same shit you did last time, I’ll make Kuroo beat you up.” 

Ushijima nodded, though Kenma wasn’t looking at him, and continued following Kuroo to your bedroom. Your door was shut, and there was no indication of the light being on and shining out from under the door. He really hoped Kuroo was right and that you weren’t already asleep. 

Kuroo knocked lightly on the door, “Y/n? Are you awake?” 

“Yeah!” Came your voice from inside the room a second later, and Ushijima jolted at the sound of it, “I’m coming. Give me a second.” 

Coming? Weren’t you bedridden because of your leg? 

His thoughts were proven wrong a second later, though, as the door opened and you stood in its place. He felt shock go through him, for a number of reasons. One, you were on your own two feet. Two, it had been so long since he’d seen you. Three, you were smiling. He missed seeing that smile. 

“Did you need something, or do you just enjoy interrupting my attempt to sleep?” You asked Kuroo. You had yet to notice the other person standing behind him. 

“Oh, please. We both know you weren’t trying to sleep.” Kuroo shot back, “And I’m here because someone came to visit you.” He moved out of the way after that, leaving only Ushijima standing in front of you. 

Your eyes fell on him, and the smile on your face turned to shock. You gripped the doorknob you hadn’t let go of, swallowing. When you spoke, your voice was quiet and weak, “Ushijima?” 

There was so much he wanted to say to you. So many things he hadn’t been able to say. He had no idea how to even begin. So he didn’t. Instead, he said, “You’re walking.” 

You laughed lightly at that, looking down at your feet before returning your gaze to him, “Yeah. I started physical therapy awhile ago. I was actually gonna surprise you with it, but then… everything happened.” 

He nodded, not really sure what to say. 

“Why are you here?” You asked. 

He met your eyes, shifting his weight a little, “I got your voicemail. I came to talk. I hope it’s not too late.” 

You smiled at him, a soft, sweet smile, and shook your head. “It’s never too late.” You said, and he sensed there was a double meaning behind your words. You opened the door a little wider, “Would you like to come in?” 

“Yes, thank you.” Ushijima responded, and he made his way into your room. 

“Don’t do anything you shouldn’t.” Kuroo called from the hallway before turning and going back towards the living room. 

“I’ll rip you limb from limb, Tetsurou!” You yelled after him, shutting the door and spinning to face Ushijima. He stood in the middle of the room, eyes on you and heart beating out of his chest. It had been a long time since he was alone with you, and he was extremely nervous. 

“Okay.” You sighed, limping over to your bed. Ushijima frowned, moving to your side immediately. He wrapped an arm around your waist, practically carrying you the rest of the way and helping you sit down on the edge of the bed. You laughed lightly, looking up at him, “Thanks, but I could’ve gotten there myself.” 

“I know. I just don’t think it can be good to put too much weight on your leg.” He responded, sitting down next to her. His hand tingled with the memory of touching you, and he clenched his fist. 

You looked over at him, and he met your gaze. The two of you just looked at each for a moment, seeming to soak in the fact that you were here, together again. Then you threw your arms around him, pulling him into a hug and burying your face in his neck. Ushijima froze, feeling like all the air had gotten sucked out of his lungs. It took a moment, but he slowly wrapped his arms around you and hugged you back. 

“I missed you a lot.” You murmured, and he shivered at the feeling of your breath against his skin. 

“I missed you too.” He rubbed your back, trying his best to be comforting. It wasn’t exactly his strong suit. 

“I’m sorry. I know I already said that like a million times on the voicemail, but I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have told you not to come back.” 

Ushijima pulled away so he could look at you, shaking his head, “I know you’re sorry. I forgive you.  _ I’m _ sorry for how I handled you telling me about your feelings.” 

It felt strange to talk about this so nonchalantly. You’d told him you’d fallen for him, and yet here he was, acting like it was nothing. Fixing your friendship and just practically sweeping how you felt under the rug in the process. He felt terrible that he couldn’t do more for you. It had to hurt to have to push your feelings away like this. 

“And I forgive you for that. I understand why you’d think that. I just… I don’t care about that. I just want to be friends again. I can live without having anything more. But I don’t want to live a life without you in it.” 

“I won’t go anywhere, I promise. As long as you want me in your life, I’ll stay.” He told you. 

You smiled at him, and you reached for his hand before pausing. You seemed to think for a second, and then you quickly retracted your hand. Ushijima swallowed, looking away before you noticed that he’d seen it. If it were before, you wouldn’t have hesitated to grab his hand. You were an affectionate person, it was what you did. But now, you held yourself back. He knew why. 

He knew how you felt about him now, and you were scared he’d see the gesture as something more than platonic. You didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. 

It seemed that things would be more different between the two of you than he’d previously thought. It made his chest tighten. 

“Thank you.” You said quietly, and he looked at you again, “For staying. I know it must not be easy.” 

Ushijima was pretty sure that the person it wasn’t easy for was you. He got to have you back in his life as his friend, almost the exact same as before. But you had to see him  _ only _ as a friend, even with the way you felt about him. You had to experience that, but here you were, telling him that he must be the one who didn’t have it easy. You deserved infinitely better than this. 

“Thank you for letting me stay.” He responded, too scared to say any of the thoughts roaming around in his head. You smiled at him, but it didn’t reach your eyes. 

He took a shaky breath, forcing himself to be brave, “About what you said in your voicemail, the part where you said you’d wait for me…” 

You tensed, and he swore he saw your face pale. You quickly covered it up, laughing lightly and shooing away his words, “Oh, that. That- I didn’t mean anything by it. You can just-” 

“No. Y/n. Don’t go back on your word now. Be confident in how you feel.” Ushijima interrupted, and you looked at him. You bit your lip, fiddling with your hands, but nodded. 

“I, um… well, I just meant that if you ever returned my feelings or something, I’d wait until you were ready for a relationship. Or until you told me you’d never be ready at all. I have full faith in my feelings, and I know I could be as patient as I needed to if you asked. And I wanted you to know that. That’s all.” 

He nodded, feeling comforted in your answer. He didn’t know how he felt about you, if he had any sort of romantic feelings towards you. He knew he cared about you, and he wanted you in his life, but he was unsure about the rest. He was nowhere near as sure as you were about it. 

But, with that being said, you telling him you’d wait for him made him feel excited in a way he’d never experienced before. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and here's chapter twelve! i fixed the angst, so hopefully you all won't want to put my name in your death notes anymore. though, i'm afraid to say, there will be more angst in the future. i apologize. but just know that it's all leading up to a happy ending. that's what really matters. 
> 
> anyways, thanks for reading! sorry that's it a day late, i was doing homework all weekend and a certain someone made me watch the promised neverland so i had a breakdown over that. but that's whatever. i hope you're enjoying this story! see you saturday for chapter thirteen or wednesday for the next chapter of invisible string! have a good day :)


	13. thirteen

“Wait, so you’re telling me he literally  _ ran _ to your house after he got your voicemail? Like, instead of just calling you back?” 

You grunted, gritting your teeth as you pushed your way through the one-minute plank you were doing, and nodded, “Yeah. He just showed up.” 

You were in the middle of one of your physical therapy sessions, focusing on trying to get strength back into your right arm and your right leg into working condition. You still couldn’t bend it due to your knee, so the exercises you could do there were limited. Which meant you tended to do things like this a lot- exercises that helped your arm and didn’t make you bend your leg. One of your favorite nurses, Nivin, was accompanying you today. She sat on a nearby piece of equipment, snacking on something and listening to you retell the whole Ushijima fiasco. 

“Girl.” She deadpanned, shaking her head and leaning back, “And he still doesn’t think he has feelings for you? Make it make sense.” 

You laughed, though it was more like a gasp as your body shook with the effort to keep it up. You glanced up at the nurse, smiling a little, “I don’t know. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was just platonic, he’s the type of person to go that far for the people he cares about.” 

“Mm. But here’s the thing. As someone older and wiser than you, I know how shit like this goes. And based on what you’ve told me, I’m pretty damn sure he’s crazy for you. He just might not realize it yet.” 

The timer signifying you were done with your planking went off, and you collapsed onto the ground with a relieved sigh. Rolling onto your back, you grabbed your towel and dabbed at your forehead while your whole body ached. You stared at the ceiling, thinking about Nivin’s words. They were quite familiar at this point. 

Pretty much everyone in your life told you that he had feelings for you. Everyone but  _ him _ . And how were you supposed to believe it if it didn’t come from him? You didn’t want to get your hopes up, not when it was extremely unlikely that someone like him would like you, but you couldn’t help it. Everyone saying this to you made you feel like maybe there was a chance, which was cruel. Cruel because there wasn’t a chance. There couldn’t be. 

“Are we talking about Ushijima? Did something happen? Last I heard, the two of you weren’t talking.”

You looked up, watching as Sofi, another nurse and Nivin’s wife, walked into the room and over to her partner. Nivin smiled up at her, gently grabbing her wrist. 

“Hey. I missed you.” 

Sofi gagged, though it was clearly fake, “Disgusting. All gays should burn.” 

Nivin rolled her eyes, letting go of Sofi and scooting over so the other woman could sit down, “When I literally divorce you.” 

“Mm. You’d miss me too much, mamas.” 

“Not the one who holds me hostage in bed every morning when I’m supposed to get up saying  _ I’d  _ miss  _ them _ too much.” 

“ _ Anyways,”  _ Sofi said quickly, directing the subject away from what they’d just been talking about, “I wanna know what’s going on with Ushijima. Tell me.” 

“Well.” You sighed, propping yourself up on your elbows, “To give the short version, we didn’t talk for a month. Then I missed him too much, so I called him. He didn’t answer, but I left a voicemail. I explained how I felt- how I missed him, how my feelings had only grown stronger, how I wanted to fix things. I told him I was sorry, and that I forgave him. All that shit. Then I left it at that, hoping he’d call me back soon.

“But then, later that night when I was getting ready for bed, he showed up. He’d literally ran to my house from his school because he wanted to talk in person after getting my voicemail. So we did talk, and it was really nice. We cleared the air a lot, and I think we see eye to eye on pretty much everything now. We want to be friends again, and we’re going to try to get that back. He knows about my feelings, but he knows I won’t pressure him into anything. I care more about having him in my life than what way he’s in my life.

“So, we’re slowly mending things. We talk often, texting and calling like we used to. We don’t get to see each other as much since I’m out of the hospital now and am getting back into regular life, but we make it work. He’s coming to mine and Kenma’s birthday party this weekend, and we’re gonna go out next week since we haven’t been able to as friends yet. I’d been in the hospital the whole time, so this is our first chance at a proper outing. And yeah, that’s pretty much it. I’m still madly in love with him, but I’ve contented myself with being his friend. That’s enough.” 

_ For now,  _ your selfish, evil brain thought. You immediately pushed the thought away. 

Sofi seemed to think for a moment, and she hummed, “Well. That sounds like shit.” 

“Huh?” You asked, a little surprised at her reaction. 

“You love him, but you’re forcing yourself to just be his friend? That’s bullshit”    
You frowned a little, her words stinging in a less than pleasant way.

Were you really being like that? Were you being submissive, and settling when you should’ve been fighting for what you wanted? But the idea of a life without Ushijima felt so much worse than having to be his friend, so couldn’t you just be okay with this? Instead of pressuring him into something and potentially pushing him away, couldn’t you endure a little pain in order to stop that from happening? 

Yeah, it sounded full of shit even to you. 

You sighed, rubbing your eyes, “Yeah, I guess you’re right. I just don’t know what to do. Last time I tried to confess, we didn’t speak for a month. I don’t wanna do that again.” 

“Don’t confess, then. Just talk to him about it. There’s nothing to confess, anyways. He already knows. It won’t hurt to bring it up and see if he’s changed at all with his stance on the issue.” Nivin offered. 

“And if he hasn’t?” You asked, turning questioning eyes towards them. 

“Then you need to decide if this relationship is doing more for you than it is hurting you. Otherwise, it might not be the best thing to keep in your life.” 

You sighed, sitting up and slumping over yourself. They were right, and you knew that. But you didn’t want to admit it. You didn’t want to face the possibility that you might have to say goodbye to Ushijima if he couldn’t return your feelings. But, really, in the long run it might be better that way. Any relationship you had with him would come with an expiration date, anyways. 

“Yeah. Okay. Okay.” You nodded, “I’ll talk to him about it. Soon. Probably not this weekend, though. I don’t want to do that on my birthday.” 

“Of course. Take your time. Just make sure you’re putting your needs first.” Nivin commented, and you smiled at her.

“Thanks, you guys. It feels really nice to have other girls to talk about this stuff with. Pretty much all my friends are guys, so it’s hard at times.” 

“Yes, you’re so blessed to know us.” Sofi teased, and you laughed. 

Nivin piped up after that, “As much as I love our talks, I still need to do my job. And you need to get better, so let’s get back to it.” 

You sighed heavily but complied, and after that your physical therapy continued without any other interruptions. You spent the majority of the time in your own head, though, thinking about your relationship with Ushijima. 

You seemed to do that a lot lately. You wondered if there would be a day when that was different. 

___________________

You had never been a big fan of celebrating your own birthday, and your brother was the same way. Just the idea of having a party to celebrate you existing sounded  _ so _ uncomfortable, and yet you had to endure it every year. Because your friends loved parties, and especially when it was a double birthday. Thus, your and Kenma’s birthday was always a big occasion. Despite both of you hating it. 

This year, they were being absolutely silent every time you or Kenma asked for details on what you’d be doing. That made the two of you more stressed than anything else. Your friends keeping secrets could not be good. Especially considering how much they struggled with staying quiet in the first place. But no matter how hard you tried to pry information from them, they wouldn’t budge. 

So basically, you were walking into something potentially dangerous with absolutely no prior knowledge to help you along. 

Yeah, and you were expected to enjoy this? Bullshit. 

“Do we have to go to this?” Kenma sighed, sitting next to you on the couch in your living room. Kuroo was in charge of getting the two of you to your destination, but he was taking his sweet time. Which meant you’d been sitting here stewing in your own nerves for far too long. 

“I second that.” You added, raising your hand a little, “Why can’t we just, like, get dinner and relax? I feel like Kenma and I would like that more. And considering it’s  _ our  _ birthday we’re celebrating…” 

“Absolutely not.” Kuroo said immediately, tapping at his phone like he had been this whole time, “We worked too damn hard to pull this off just for the two of you to chicken out now. Relax, you’ll have fun. I wouldn’t let your birthday be any other way.” 

You and Kenma sighed in unison, and you leaned back against the couch, crossing your arms. You should trust Kuroo; he knew you and your brother well, and he wouldn’t do anything he didn’t think you guys would enjoy. You didn’t have a reason to worry, really. You just did not like not knowing what you were going to do. It left you feeling on edge. 

“Okay. We can go now.” Your bed-headed friend said a few minutes later, standing up, “Do you guys have everything you need?” 

“We don’t know what we need. You won’t tell us anything.” Kenma muttered, and you nodded in agreement. 

“You’ll be fine. Come on, everyone’s waiting.” Kuroo commanded, and the three of you left the house.

A few minutes later- well, longer than a few minutes because of difficulties with your leg- you arrived at a field not far from your house. It was the same one you used to play in when you were little. In fact, this field was the first place you ever experienced playing volleyball. Even though it was just you, your brother, and Kuroo passing a ball around since there was no net. Still, those memories were ones you treasured. 

You and Kenma stood side by side at the edge, trying to take in the sight before you. It was… a lot.

The field seemed to be split up into sections, with each one containing a different activity. You could see a table set up with art supplies in one part, and another one with different assortments of desserts. Along with that, there was a large sheet hung up with piles of blankets and pillows placed in front of it. There was more, but you weren’t able to see it because a second later you were scooped up in a pair of strong arms. 

“Happy birthday, y/n!” Bokuto exclaimed, spinning you around. You laughed, wrapping your arms around him and hugging tightly. 

“Thank you, Bokuto. I’m glad you’re here.” 

“Of course! There’s nowhere I’d rather be.” He set you down, grinning brightly. You returned the smile, and then he was pushed aside by Tendou. 

The redhead beamed at you and placed his hands on your cheeks, pressing a wet kiss to your forehead. You immediately sputtered and wiped it off, sending an incredulous look his way. His smile only grew, “Happy birthday, Wild Girl. I’m happy I get another year with you in my life.” 

“That was disgustingly soft.” You said, though the fond look on your face rivaled you words, “But I’m happy, too.” 

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Hinata jumping around your brother and speaking animatedly to him about something you couldn’t hear. But you could see the warm expression in Kenma’s eyes, and that was enough for you. It was clear he’d enjoy tonight, just like your friends wanted it to play out. 

“Y/n.” 

You looked in front of you, attention pulled away from your brother at the sound of your name. Ushijima stood in the place Tendou had been in a moment before, and his eyes had a warmth in them similar to what you’d seen in Kenma’s eyes just now. It made you feel all jittery, and you couldn’t help but smile brightly at him. All complicated aspects of your relationship aside, he really did make you happy. 

He put a hand on your shoulder, squeezing gently, and spoke, “Happy birthday. I hope you’ve enjoyed it.” 

You instinctively leaned into the touch, wanting to keep his hand there as long as you could. You’d been holding back on physical touch with him, not wanting to make him uncomfortable since your feelings were out in the open now, and it was a lot more difficult than you thought it’d be. You wanted to be able to hug him, and grab his hand when you had something important to say or wanted to comfort him, to be able to poke his forehead or cheek, or ‘boop’ his nose. But you couldn’t, because he wanted you as a friend, and he might take those actions as something crossing the platonic line. 

It hurt, a lot more than it should. You were having a very hard time with it. 

You smiled at him, trying to keep your sadness out of your expression, “Thank you, Ushijima. I’m glad I get to see you.” 

“So am I. Thank you for inviting me.” 

Other people made their way over to say hello and wish you happy birthday, but Ushijima stayed nearby. He watched silently, eyes scanning his surroundings or watching you and whoever you were talking to. It felt nice to have him close, considering how little he’d been in your life for the past while. Now that you had him back, you cherished every single moment with him like it was your last. Because it very well could be. 

You felt like your relationship with him was hanging by a thread, and it could snap at any second. He could very easily decide that being your friend was too much trouble, that your feelings for him were uncomfortable or made for too much drama in your friendship. At any time, he could realize he was better off without you. 

You dreaded that day, and desperately hoped it came later than sooner. 

Ushijima Wakatoshi was the type of person that swept in and out of your life in the blink of an eye, and left you breathless. But you wanted to keep breathing for just a bit longer. 

“So who’s ready to get this party started?” Kuroo called, and all eyes fell on him. You pushed your heavy thoughts away, trying to get into the mindset to enjoy the night your friends put together. Everyone cheered at Kuroo’s words, and he grinned before continuing, “As you can see, we’ve got a lot planned for tonight. So let me give you the rundown before we begin.

“Basically, we have a bunch of different ‘centers’ set up, with activities to do at each one. We’ve got a painting center, a board game center, a video game center- Kenma, you cannot spend the whole night there- a trivia center featuring questions about y/n and Kenma, a dessert center just for stuffing your face, and last but not least, a movie center. That’s the sheet over there with the pillows and blankets. We’ve got a projector set up, and ready to go. That’ll be the ending part of the night, and a double feature with both y/n’s favorite movie and Kenma’s favorite movie. 

“So the plan is that we’ll all go around to the centers, and do the activity there, and then we’ll do the movies. Any questions?” 

No one raised their hands or voiced any concerns, so Kuroo clapped his hands and announced that the party had officially begun. Everyone cheered once again and made their way over to the first center, which was the painting one. You let your negative feelings slip away, excitement replacing it at the thought of all the activities awaiting you. 

You already knew that Ushijima liked art. He’d told you that he drew a lot as a child, and still did it now when he had the time. You were aware of that. What you  _ weren’t  _ aware of, though, was how fucking good of an artist he was. Seriously, if he wasn’t so set on volleyball, he could be making big bank in the art business. You’d buy every piece of his you could, and decorate your house with it. 

Ushijima had decided to paint you at the painting center, and the drawing had been so well-done and thoughtful that you literally teared up when he showed you the finished product. When he asked you what was wrong, you told him it was allergies and turned away to get yourself together. After a minute, you turned back to him and told him how beautiful it was, then asked if you could keep it. He immediately said yes, and you thanked him before putting it in a secure place for safe-keeping. You already had a spot in your room in mind for where it’d go. 

After the painting center, it was video games, and Kenma practically ran over there once everyone was done with their paintings. Everyone followed after him, while you were still trying to get to your feet. Having a fucked up knee really wasn’t an enjoyable thing. Especially when you can’t even bend your leg, so any kind of maneuvering is more annoying than anything. Part of you just wanted to stay seated and not even try. 

“Do you need help?”

You turned, eyes landing on Daichi who stood next to you. He must’ve seen you struggling and came back to help. You smiled kindly at him, nodding. 

“Yes, thank you. That’d be very nice.” 

He wrapped an arm around you and helped you out of your seat, leading you towards where everyone else was gathered, “Why don’t you ever use your crutches? I feel like that would make things a lot easier.”

“Yeah, but I hate them. I’d rather limp around than have to use those. It makes me feel like I’ll never get better. At least this way, I’m moving around on my own. Sort of.” You explained, leaning against him. 

“Hm. That makes sense, I guess.” He responded, arm wrapped tightly around your waist. It was silent for a moment before he spoke again, “It seems like things between you and Ushijima are better. I’m glad.” 

“Yeah, me too. It feels really nice to have him back in my life. I’m happy.” 

“Are you?” 

You glanced at the Karasuno captain, furrowing your brows, “Yeah… I am. Why did you ask it like that?” 

“Because I can tell there’s something weighing on you. I see it every time you look at him. You’ve got something you’re not saying.” Daichi explained, and you felt your stomach flip a little. 

Was it really that obvious? Man, you needed to take some acting lessons or something. 

“Oh. Well, yeah. I just- I don’t know. Things are complicated.  _ Feelings  _ are complicated. I’m kind of lost.” You frowned, wishing you could clearly vocalize your thoughts instead of just spew more word vomit. 

“I get that. Relationships, especially relationships in High School, are seriously hard. When Suga and I started dating, it felt like the hardest thing in the world. We’ve worked out most of the kinks now, but still. I understand how difficult it is.” 

You stopped in your tracks, making Daichi stop with you. He looked at you, a question in his eyes. 

“What?!” You exclaimed, “You and Suga are dating? Since when?”

“Uh. Since the beginning of second year?” He said questioningly, like it was obvious. You were in shock. You felt like you’d just been slapped in the face with this information. 

“Uh- W- I- Bro. How? You guys are so… nonchalant about it! I had no idea!” You stuttered out. 

“Well, we don’t need to be all obvious and extra about it. Our relationship is good how it is. We’re happy.” He explained. You shook your head, rubbing your eyes. 

“Wow… that is- wow. I’m happy for you guys.” You met his gaze, smiling. Even though this information had come as a surprise, you found that you were very pleased by it. Two of your friends were in love, and happy with each other. Who wouldn’t be excited about that? 

Daichi smiled back at you, “Thank you, y/n. I hope one day you get to feel that happiness too.” 

You laughed, and the two of you continued walking, “We’ll see. I’m pretty difficult.” 

“Yeah, well, Ushijima seems to like difficult. Between you and Tendou, I don’t know how he puts up with it all.” Daichi chuckled, “But he does. So I hope the two of you figure it out.”

“Don’t we all.” You sighed. 

The two of you joined the rest of the group, and the party continued on. 

Two hours later, you had a belly full of desserts and a body desiring the sweet release of sleep. You’d gone through every center set up, and now it was nearly time for the double-feature movie night to begin. Everyone was busy setting up the blankets and pillows, while you were given cleanup duty on the dessert station. That way, you wouldn’t have to use your leg and irritate it even more. It didn’t take much to throw away wrappers and sweep up crumbs.

Bokuto and Akaashi walked past, carrying extra supplies, and you overheard part of their conversation. 

“Man, this has been a fun night! I’m glad we were able to come. Did you have fun, Akaashi?”

“I did, Bokuto-san.”

“I wish we could’ve played volleyball, though. I know that was one of the first ideas we had for something we could do at the party.”

“You know we can’t do that. Y/n’s leg makes it impossible. She’d have to sit out and watch, and that wouldn’t be enjoyable for her.” 

Bokuto sighed, “I know that. It’s just annoying. That probably would’ve been the most fun thing to do.” 

And just like that, your good mood crumbled. Bokuto and Akaashi walked off to where everyone else was, and your eyes fell to the table in front of you. 

Maybe it was side effects from the medication you still had to take, or remnants of mental issues from the trauma, but you felt like an absolute failure. A terrible friend. You were making the people you cared about miss out on things because of your own shortcomings. It wasn’t fair to them, and it only made sense that they’d be frustrated and harbor negative feelings towards you. But assuming something and hearing it truthfully were two different things. 

You wanted to go home. Leave the party and let your friends have the fun they wanted without you to hold them back. Honestly, it might’ve been better that way. For everyone. You should just get out of the way now. 

You cleaned up the rest of your station with lightning speed, throwing the last of the trash away and tying the garbage bag closed. You’d have to leave it there, but you’d done your task, so you didn’t feel too bad about leaving it behind. It was just one bag. 

Letting out a shaky sigh, you turned and took a step towards the direction of your home. 

“Y/n! Are you done? We’re almost ready to start the movie!” Bokuto’s voice came from behind you, and you heard his footsteps moving closer. You froze in place, not turning to face him, “Hey, where are you going? Party’s this way, silly.” 

You cleared your throat and turned to him. You couldn’t meet his eyes. “I, um, I’ve got to- I have to go to the bathroom.”

“But the closest bathroom is your house. And that’s still pretty far away. Plus, your leg-“

“I’ll be fine. Just… go on without me. I don’t feel good.” 

“Hey, are you okay?” He moved closer and placed a hand on your arm, “What’s wrong?”

You jerked away from his hand before you could stop yourself and averted your eyes, “I’m fine. Just… go have fun. Hell, you can play volleyball now that I’m leaving.” 

You forced yourself to look at him, and watched Bokuto’s face pale as he processed your words. He clearly understood now that you’d overheard his earlier conversation. He reached for your hand, and you stayed still as he grabbed it and squeezed. 

“Y/n, I’m so sorry. I had no idea you heard that. And I’m sorry I said it in the first place. I promise I didn’t mean it in the way you think.” He apologized, face pained and eyes pleading. You could tell he truly felt bad, but you were too lost in your own self-pity to want to do anything about it. 

“No, I get it. It fucking sucks that I’m like this. I hate it. I hate that I have to miss out on so much now. But that doesn’t mean you guys should have to. So I’ll go, and you guys can play or do whatever. I won’t be here to hold you back.” You knew what you were saying, and how you were acting, was wrong. It was hurtful and immature, but you couldn’t help it. 

Sometimes, you just didn’t have the energy to be the bigger person. Unfortunately, this was one of those times. 

“Y/n, please. Don’t go. This is your party. We all want you here.  _ I  _ want you here.” He grabbed your other hand, now firmly grasping both of them in his own, “I don’t give a damn about playing volleyball. Spending time with you is so much more important.” 

“I’m tired, Bokuto.” You responded, and you were surprised by how dull and detached your voice sounded, “I just want to go home and sleep.”

He gripped your hands tighter, guilt contorting his face, “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. Please, don’t let me ruin your night.” 

“It’s okay. You don’t have to apologize, I understand. And you didn’t ruin my night. I had fun.” 

“So keep having fun! Please. Everyone is excited to be able to spend time with each other. That includes you.” 

“Bokuto…” 

“Is everything alright?” 

You looked over Bokuto’s shoulder, catching sight of Ushijima making his way over to the two of you. Great. Just what you fucking needed right now. The person you love having to see you act like a bratty kid over something small. Happy Birthday to you. 

“It’s fine.” You muttered, looking down at your feet. 

“Y/n wants to go home, and I’m trying to convince her to stay.” You heard Bokuto say, and you were silently glad that he didn’t mention how childish you were being. You really were blowing this out of proportion, and that knowledge made your stomach curl in embarrassment. 

You just wished you could use that embarrassment to make yourself knock it off. 

“Why do you want to go home?” Ushijima asked, and you felt his eyes on you. Sighing, you forced yourself to meet his gaze. You didn’t say anything, but you felt like your eyes conveyed your feelings. It seemed to work, because he nodded slightly and then spoke, “I’ll take you back.” 

“Wait-“ Bokuto began, but you quickly spoke over him. 

“You don’t have to do that, Ushijima. I can go by myself. You should stay and enjoy the party with everyone else.” 

He shook his head and walked over to you, “I’m only here for you. If you’re leaving, it’ll probably be best if I go with you. As long as you’re okay with that.” 

You swallowed. You didn’t want him to have to leave just because you were being a baby, but you knew being around him would make you feel better. And he seemed willing, so would it really be so bad?

You bit your lip, shifting in place, “Okay… thank you.” 

“Alright. Let’s go, then.” He said, and wrapped an arm around your waist so he could act as assistance for your leg. He turned to Bokuto for a moment, “Will you let everyone know that we left?” 

“I…” He began, before he swallowed and nodded. Then he looked at you, and his eyes still held that same apologetic look, “I’m really, really sorry, y/n.” 

“It’s okay, Bokuto.” You forced yourself to smile, “I’m not upset at you. Don’t worry. Enjoy the rest of your night.” 

He didn’t say anything else, and you and Ushijima began the trek back to your house. It would be longer than usual, your leg once again causing too many problems. You really hoped that one day this wouldn’t be any issue anymore. Right now, though, that didn’t seem too realistic. 

“Thank you for taking me home, Ushijima. It means a lot.” You said after a few minutes of silence. 

“Of course. I’m more than willing.” He responded, and hesitated before speaking again, “Would you be willing to start calling me Wakatoshi again?” 

You looked up at him, still keeping up the pace so you weren’t delayed any more than you needed to be. His question made goosebumps raise on your arms. You’d stopped calling him Wakatoshi after the break in your friendship, and now that you were friends again it had just sort of stayed that way. You thought it might be too much to call him by his first name now that he knew about your feelings. But here he was, asking you to call him that once again. You almost felt giddy, “Do you want me to?”

“I do.” 

You couldn’t help but smile, “Alright, then. Wakatoshi.” 

He nodded in agreement, and the two of you continued on to your home. 

___________________

Ushijima had been looking forward to today for the past couple weeks, and it had finally arrived. Today, he’d get to spend time with you once again. On an actual, proper outing- the first one in the course of your friendship. It seemed like an important occasion, or at least that’s what he felt. But Tendou seemed excited, too, and that was a good sign. 

Since you got out of the hospital, you saw you much less than he had before. You were getting back into the flow of your life, and you were busy. He had his own things, and more often than not they clashed and there was no time for the two of you to see each other. It was a difficult trial the two of you faced. 

But today was different. Today, he had the whole afternoon to spend with you. 

You’d told him you had a plan on what the day would consist of, but you refused to elaborate on any details. He wasn’t too upset about that, because all he really cared about was spending time with you. Life wasn’t as exciting when you weren’t in it. He used to like it that way, but not anymore. Now he craved your excitement. 

Tendou told him that that was love, but he disagreed. That didn’t seem like love to him. But then again, he had no idea what love  _ was  _ like. So maybe he was wrong. He had no idea how to find out. 

“Wakatoshi!” 

Ushijima was snapped out of his thoughts, and he turned to see you making your way down the sidewalk towards him. You were using your crutches, and it took him back for a second. This was the first time he’d seen you use them. They seemed to help, though, so he had no complaints. 

You grinned up at him, stopping and placing yourself by his side. Your smile made him feel warm. It was one of the many things he missed about you during that month where you weren’t speaking. It felt nice to have it back in his life now. 

“You’re here early.” You said, teasingly poking at his bicep. 

He shrugged, “I thought it would be good to be a little early. It’s like that saying, ‘better to be safe than sorry.’” 

“Hm. I guess you’re right,” You furrowed your brows, thoughtful, “Anyways, you ready to go?” 

He nodded, and you began leading the way down the sidewalk. He took the spot next to you and followed. 

“You’re using your crutches today.” It wasn’t a question, but you still supplied him with an answer. 

“Yeah. I went a little too hard in my physical therapy yesterday, so I have to use these to give my leg a break.” You sighed, “Healing is hard work.” 

“So I’ve heard.” Ushijima nodded, “You’re doing a wonderful job, though. I’m happy to see you getting better.”

“Yeah, me too. I can’t wait until I don’t need physical therapy or crutches.” 

Ushijima wasn’t a medical professional, so he had no idea how likely it was that that would happen. But you seemed so sure of it that he couldn’t help but agree, “I look forward to the day that happens.” 

“Me too, Wakatoshi. Me too.” 

The two of you ended up at a little cafe, and you both stopped in front of the entrance as you gazed at the small building. It was quaint, tucked in between two other establishments and brandishing a front wall made almost entirely of windows so you could see inside. There were small tables set up in front of it, presumably for people who preferred to take their refreshments outdoors. On the inside he saw more tables, as well as a few booths pressed up against the right side wall. The decorations all had the same color scheme of dark red, brown, and beige. 

“Well. What do you think?” You asked, and he tilted his head to look at you. 

“It’s nice.” He responded, turning his attention back to the building, “What are we doing here?” 

“We’re going to get drinks, obviously.” You grinned, “Oikawa told me about this place and said they have a lot of delicious choices, so I thought we’d try it out. You okay with that?” 

“Yes, that’s fine.” He nodded, “I just wanted to know what the plan was.” 

“Hm. Okay, then. Let’s head in.” 

Ushijima held the door open for you, letting you get inside using your crutches without any struggle. 

The inside of the cafe had a nice atmosphere, quiet and comforting. There weren’t many people in there, only the workers and a couple sitting in a booth in the corner. Low music played throughout the building, something that sounded like smooth jazz. It smelled of coffee and pastries, and emitted a warmth that rivaled the slight chill outside. Ushijima quickly decided that he liked it. 

“Alright. Do you need a minute to look at the menu?” You asked, tilting your head up to look at him. He met your gaze for a second before glancing at the menu and nodding. There were many choices, and he had no idea what most of them were. This would take some deliberation. 

“Okay. You do that, and I’ll order mine while you decide. Oikawa told me to get this specific drink, so I’ll try that. What kind of pastry do you want?” 

His eyes fell on you once again, and he thought for a moment before speaking, “I have no preference. You can pick.” 

You smiled brightly at him, and he felt a little breathless for a moment. “Great. I’ll be right back, then.” 

He watched you make your way up to the counter, eyes lingering on you a little too long before he turned his attention back to the menu. He wasn’t a big fan of coffee, he’d only had it a couple times. The taste was too bitter for him, and then it was too sweet once all the flavoring and cream was added. It wasn’t just coffee, he wasn’t a big fan of caffeine in general. It made his body feel a way that he didn’t enjoy, so he tried to stay away from it. 

He’d probably get tea, then. 

The sound of your laughter broke him out of his internal monologue over which drink to get, and he glanced over to see you deep in conversation with the boy at the cash register. He was talking to you, and Ushijima could just barely hear that he was telling a story about some trip he’d gone on. You were listening intently, a smile on your lips and a sparkle in your eyes. His jaw twitched at the sight, and he felt a feeling similar to how he felt in a volleyball game when the other team scored a point. 

He heard you say something like ‘that sounds amazing’, and then the guy responded with ‘you think so?’ before reaching up and-

He tucked a strand of your hair behind your ear, fingers brushing against your face as he pulled his hand back. Instantly, your cheeks were bright red. Ushijima felt that feeling again, but ten times worse. He also felt… anger. Absolute hatred filling his veins over the way that boy was looking at you. 

The  _ audacity _ that boy had, to so openly flirt with you. He knew nothing about you. He didn’t know how you’d suffered, and had to claw your way back up from your lowest point. He didn’t know that you were the strongest, kindest, best person Ushijima had ever met. He didn’t know that you still smiled so brightly, even when you had every reason to be miserable. He didn’t know a single thing. 

So what made him think he had the right to touch you like that? To speak to you in the way he was speaking, and to have that look in his eyes. It was wrong, so wrong. And yet, you smiled back at him, and blushed at his compliments. You returned his playful comments with your own, and Ushijima felt a little bit like he’d been punched in the gut. 

What was this? He’d never felt this way before. He’d never experienced this sort of discomfort. Why was he even feeling it in the first place? He wasn’t in charge of you, nor did he have any control over who you had a relationship with. You were your own person, who could make your own choices. So why?

Why did he feel like he was seconds from falling to his knees? 

Could it be- was this what Tendou constantly insisted about? That his feelings for you were more than platonic? That he wanted you in the same way that you wanted him? The possibility scared him, more than he wanted to admit. 

You were an incredible individual. One worthy of the best, deserving of someone who’d make you unconditionally happy. Ushijima was inadequate- he struggled with social cues, with his own emotions, with anything other than the few things he was passionate about. He did not have what it took to give you what you deserved. 

But you still had fallen for him. Despite seeing all his faults, and experiencing the consequences of them, you still gained feelings for him. Ones you were confident weren’t going anywhere. Ones you felt were strong enough that if he asked, you’d wait until he was ready. It was a tremendous amount of faith you had in him, and yet another reason he felt like he could never live up to your standards. 

But… would it be so bad to try? 

You deserved happiness, and you were happy with him. And he was happy with you, as happy as he was when he played volleyball. Maybe even more. That was more important than any issues he had. It overruled his insecurities by a landslide. 

He wanted that to be him, in the place of that worker. He wanted to be the one touching you, the one making you smile like that. He wanted you to have playful conversations like that with him, and to look at him with that same giddiness you had in your eyes right now. He wanted you to himself. 

There was no way that was platonic. Even he, someone who was as knowledgeable in love as a child in the ways of the world, understood that now. It was almost embarrassing that it took him seeing you with someone else to realize that. Embarrassing that he had to experience overwhelming jealousy in order to comprehend his feelings for you and what they meant. 

But he knew now. And even though it terrified him, and he was far from ready to completely be open to you, he couldn’t put these feelings away. They were out in the air now. You deserved to know that, deserved him being as transparent with you as you were with him. He was scared, yes, but he had to be honest. He’d never lied to you, and he wasn’t going to start now. 

“-here with my friend. He’s trying to pick his drink. Wakatoshi!” Your voice snapped him out of the realization he’d been experiencing, and he looked over to see both you and that horrid worker watching him. 

He swallowed, trying to clear his mind, and walked over, “Yes?” 

“Wakatoshi, you would not believe the stories this guy has. He just told me he’s swam with sharks and survived an avalanche. It’s crazy.” You exclaimed, that bright smile still on your face. It made his heart twinge. 

“Oh, please. It’s not that big of a deal. I just like to travel a lot. No big deal.” The boy responded, glancing at you fondly, “I’m much more interested in your story.” 

Your face was red again, and you opened your mouth to speak, “I-“ 

“We should probably order our drinks.” Ushijima interrupted, wanting nothing more than to get both you and him away from the boy with the flirty eyes, “We’ve only got a limited of time to spend together today.” 

“Oh, you’re right.” You said, and he swore he could see your brain shift gears. You turned back to the boy, “I’m going to get your seasonal special, a medium. And then two of your strawberry pastries, please.” 

“Of course. Good choices.” The boy grinned, tapping away at the screen in front of him. His eyes fell on Ushijima, and the warmth they had when looking at you was gone. Cold annoyance was all that was left. Ushijima returned the look, “And what would you like?” 

“Green tea.” He spoke, voice icy. 

“Great. Go ahead and pay, and then take a seat. I’ll get your order out to you shortly.” 

You paid before Ushijima had a chance to, and you bid the worker farewell before the two of you made your way over to a table right by the window. He sat across from you, getting lost in his thoughts again as he tried to process his newly-realized feelings. It really was a lot to take in. He suddenly had much more respect for you for being able to confess to him as openly as you did. He also felt even more guilty for the way he’d reacted when you had confessed. He couldn’t imagine how he’d feel if you told him what he was experiencing right now wasn’t real. 

He truly was an asshole. You were an angel for still wanting him around. 

“Wakatoshi? Are you okay?” You asked, voice soft. He looked up to meet your eyes, “You’re being really quiet. And I can tell there’s something on your mind.” 

This was it. He just needed to tell you. Get it out there so he wouldn’t have to agonize over it for a long period of time. He needed to say it now, and be confident. 

“Do you remember how you said you’d wait for me, if I wanted you to?” He asked, saying the words a little faster than he’d meant to. 

You gave him a strange look, but nodded. This was clearly not what you thought he’d say, “Yeah, I do. Why are you asking that?” 

“I’ve realized something. And I need to tell you.” 

Your face took on a serious expression, and you placed a hand over the one he had rested on the table. Internally, he felt himself relax a little. He really had missed your touch. “Okay, Wakatoshi. I’m listening. Go ahead.” 

He took a deep breath, slightly irked by how nervous he felt. “I want you to do that.” He said. 

You furrowed your brows, “Do what?” 

“Wait for me.” Ushijima stated, and he felt your hand twitch on top of his. You inhaled sharply, and your eyes went wide. He continued before you had a chance to speak, “I understand my feelings now. And I want to be with you, I do. But I’m not ready yet. I know that might be unfair to you, and I’m sorry. Though I think I’d rather have you wait than be in a relationship with you where I can’t be all that you need me to be. So… I’m asking you to wait. 

“Let me learn more about this, about us. Let me understand what I need to do in order to be enough for you. To live up to what I think you deserve. Give me time to figure it out, and I promise you that I will make you glad you did. Wait for me, so that when I’m ready, there won’t be a single doubt in either of our minds about what we can be together.” 

You sat in silence for awhile after he was done speaking, almost as if you were in shock. He tried not to let his nerves get the best of him, but it was difficult. Your lack of a response was making him question things. Maybe you didn’t want to wait anymore. Maybe you’d realized you could have someone better, sooner. Maybe you’d gotten over him altogether already. 

God, he hoped not. He felt like he’d break if that were the case. If he’d lost his chance to have you simply because he put the pieces together too late. 

Finally, though, you seemed to snap out of your stupor. A smile slowly grew over your face, until it took up your whole expression. You squeezed his hand, sitting straight up in your seat. 

“Wakatoshi.” You began, voice laced with adoration and glee, “I will wait for you as long as you need me to. I know what I want, and I’m willing to be patient in order to get it. I’m ready now, but I am more than okay with hanging on until you get to this point too. Take your time. And when you’re ready, I’ll be here.” 

Your words filled him with relief, and he smiled at you. A rare, open smile that you’d had yet to see. You looked a little dazed as you watched him, but you still had that smile on your own face. 

It was much brighter than the smile you’d given the worker, and that made Ushijima all the more confident in his decision. 

He’d get ready, and then he’d be the best damn person for you. He’d give you everything you deserved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! long time no see! first off, let me begin by saying that i am so sorry for how long it's been since i updated. i've been on break, and i haven't been able to make myself write for awhile. but i finally got my shit together, and finished this chapter so that i don't leave you guys hanging. and it's much longer than my usual chapters, so i hope that makes up for it. i also hope the fact that we finally got a semi-confession from ushi makes up for it. 
> 
> let me say that i am so surprised and moved by how much love this story has gotten, and by how much that motivates me to keep it going. right now, this fic is over 50K words, which is more than i've ever written. i am amazed, and so so thankful to you guys for making me fall in love with this piece. i hope you guys love it as much as i do, and that my writing is good enough that the story works. 
> 
> anyways, i am sorry i updated so late. i promise i'll get things back on track. i love writing too much not to. and of course, thank you for reading and i hope you enjoyed!! have a good day :)


	14. fourteen

It took a bit more hard work than you wanted to admit, but you were slowly getting used to your new life. It was quite similar to your old life, except now you had to deal with the struggles of a mangled leg, as well as the hole in your heart where volleyball used to be. You’d thought you’d gotten through the worst of dealing with that loss, but it seemed that being back at school opened some old wounds and brought your attention to other ones you didn’t know you had. It was so much easier to accept saying goodbye to volleyball when all you did was lay in bed all day. 

You hadn’t so much as stepped onto a volleyball court since the day of your accident, and you were sort of set on it staying that way. 

Maybe one day you’d have the courage to face it, but you didn’t think that’d be any time soon. It was too fresh, too hurtful. The memories alone of your days playing were enough to make you breathless, there was no way you could experience it in person. You were pretty sure doing that would lead to a mental breakdown, based on how fragile your mental state was these days. 

Still, not having practice to fill up your afternoons stung. You were forced to find other things to pass the time, instead of returning to an empty house with your parents being at work and Kenma being at  _ his _ volleyball practice. 

You began taking walks every day, to help your leg and to not feel so alone. More often than not, you had to use your crutches, but you were slowly getting used to them. They really did help, as much as you hated that there was a need for them. You tried to remember that getting better was more important than your pride, though. 

You made your way down the path at a park near your house, enjoying the way the weather was just cold enough that it had the tip of your nose turning red. Children ran between trees and jumped over bushes, chasing each other in a game as their parents watched with exasperated fondness. Joggers were scattered along the path, most of them bobbing their heads to whatever music played through their headphones. It was perfectly peaceful, an exact example of the good parts of existence. And for some reason, it had you holding back tears. 

Maybe it was loneliness, or jealousy, or some sort of emotional issue, but you felt overwhelmingly emotional as you watched other people go about their lives. They were all… normal. Happy. Enjoying their lives to the fullest. And you weren’t. 

You knew that wasn’t actually the case. You knew everyone had their own struggles and hardships, but you couldn’t focus on that right now. All you saw was others having what you couldn’t, a normal life. You’d lost what was normal for you, and now you were absolutely clueless about everything. You felt lost, and you weren’t sure there’d ever be a time when you were grounded again. 

Your phone buzzed in your pocket, and you stopped and sat down on a nearby bench as you pulled it out. 

**_Incoming Call: Wakatoshi_ **

**** You felt your heart skip a beat, and you clutched the phone tighter in your hand. It had only been a week since Ushijima’s promise at the cafe, but it still sometimes made you feel so excited that you shook a little. You couldn’t believe it, the things he’d said were too good to be true. He wanted to be with you, and even more, he wanted to have a little more time in order to be  _ better _ for you. It was like something out of a romance novel, not something that happened in real life. 

Especially not something that happened to someone like you. 

But you remembered the look on his face. The earnest, open expression. The way his eyes begged you to believe his words, to believe him. There was no way he could’ve been lying about that. You were sure that he was being honest with you. 

So now, you were in a predicament. You knew that the person you loved had feelings for you, and they wanted to be with you. You were overjoyed, and nearly ready to throw a party to celebrate it. But, then there was the downside. He wasn’t ready, and he needed you to wait. 

You were willing to do that for him, to be patient. As long as he needed, you’d do it. But  _ god  _ was it hard. Especially now that you knew your feelings were reciprocated, and that a relationship was possible. You wanted to kiss him, and hold his hand, and hug him in that way that only lovers did. 

You couldn’t, though. Not yet. 

He needed time, and to be honest, you did too. As much as you wanted to be with him, you also knew that you still had a lot to work through from your accident and the after-effects. You didn’t want to bring those into a relationship, so you’d use the time he asked for. You’d use it to heal, while he used it to learn how to give you what you needed. Both of you had one goal, to be the best you could for the other. 

He was so  _ good _ , it nearly made your head spin. Damn, you’d really lucked out. 

Shaking your thoughts away, you answered the call before it could go to voicemail and held the phone to your ear. 

“Hello?” You asked. 

“Hello, y/n.” He greeted, deep voice slightly tinted with happiness. It made your cheeks go red, “How are you?” 

“I’m good. Better now that I’m talking to you.” You responded, laughing lightly. His conversation skills could use some work, but you found it really cute how proper he was all the time. “What about you?” 

“I’m good as well, thank you. What are you doing right now?” 

“Me? Well, I’m sitting on a park bench. I was going for a walk to pass the time and decided to take a break when you called. Why do you ask?” 

“I was just interested in knowing what you did in your free time. Tendou says that showing interest in your partner’s life is an important part of a relationship, so I thought I’d start trying to be better at it now.” 

“Ah, I see.” You were grinning like an idiot, you could feel it. But you couldn’t stop. This whole thing was so unreal, “That’s kind of you. Very much good boyfriend material.” 

“Thank you. I’m glad you think so.” 

“Mm-hmm.” You hummed, tucking your free hand in your jacket pocket, “What are  _ you _ up to?” 

“I’m getting ready to go to volleyball practice. The Interhigh Qualifiers are coming up soon, so we’ve been working much harder in order to make sure we get to go to Nationals.” 

You cringed at the mention of volleyball, but quickly pushed away the discomfort as you focused on being excited for your friend and his passions, “Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. They’re this weekend, aren’t they?” 

“Yes. Both Seijoh and Karasuno are in the same bracket as us, though I don’t know if we’ll face them or not. It depends on how well they do in their other matches.” 

“Hm. That’s interesting. I might have to force myself to go see the matches, to support you all. I don’t know if I can, or should, though. I’ve still got some issues about coming to terms with the end of my volleyball career.” 

“I understand.” Ushijima said, and his voice was softer than usual, “How are you doing with that? Have you talked to anyone about it?” 

“I’m doing the best that I can. It’s hard.” You laughed a little, though it was clearly a coverup for the pain you felt, “And I haven’t really talked to anyone about it. But my doctor suggested going to some sort of group therapy for other people my age with trauma, and I said I’d look into it. I’m supposed to go to a meeting tonight.” 

“That’s wonderful, y/n. You should definitely go. It can’t hurt anything to try.” 

“Yeah, you’re right. It’s just… I don’t know. It’s kind of like a representation of me saying goodbye to volleyball. And I’m not sure if I’m ready for that. Is that childish of me?” 

“No, it’s not childish. You lost something important to you. It’s only normal for you to want to cling to it for as long as possible. But it’s going to hurt more the longer you do that, so I suggest reaching out for help. Professional help, specifically. Your friends and family love you and want to help, but there’s only so much they can do.” 

“Mm. I guess so. I’ll definitely check it out. Hopefully it’ll help.” 

“Please let me know how it goes.” 

The fact that he was so eager to be involved in your life and know about the things going on warmed your heart, and you smiled down at your lap. To think that just five months ago you’d thought he was nothing but an emotionless boy obsessed with volleyball. Some days, you praised the heavens that you got in that accident and were able to get to know Wakatoshi. What a person you would’ve missed out on if you hadn’t gone through that. 

“I will.” You responded, and after a moment of silence you spoke again, “Wakatoshi?”

“Yes?” 

“Thank you.” You spoke, voice soft, “Having you in my life, supporting me, it… it means a lot.” 

“You’re welcome, y/n. I’m happy to be here for you.” 

The conversation moved on after that, but you still sat there with a smile on your face and a warm feeling in your chest. You really,  _ really _ hoped this never went away. 

___________________

So, basically, you were pretty sure you didn’t like group therapy. 

It had only been ten minutes, and yet you were completely miserable. All the people here were your age, and that meant none of you really wanted to be there  _ or  _ talk to each other about your issues. Which meant that you’d been sitting here for ten minutes, listening to the therapist tell you generic comforts and encouraging you all to open up. No one seemed to be willing to speak first, and you sure as hell weren’t going to volunteer. So you were leaned back in your seat, eyes on your lap to avoid catching the gaze of the therapist. 

“I know you all might be nervous, but there’s no reason to be. We’re all here to get better. And it’s a safe space. You won’t be judged for anything you say.” The therapist spoke again, her voice oozing with kindness. You sort of felt bad for her. She was just trying to do her job, but a room full of teenagers were keeping her from that. 

How bad would it be if you spoke first, honestly? You’d get it out of the way, and maybe even break the group out of this awkward silence going on. You felt like the pros outweighed the cons. 

Just as you were about to speak, another voice stopped you, and you looked up to match the person to the words. 

“I’ll go, I guess. Since no one else is going to.” A boy on the other side of the room said, his arms crossed over his chest. He looked about the same age as you, with bright blonde hair and a face that exuded cockiness. He wore a pair of dark gray sweatpants, as well as a black sweatshirt. It was clear he didn’t put much effort into getting ready for group therapy, “The name’s Miya Atsumu. But call me Atsumu. And I’m here because I have personality issues. I’m egotistical, and selfish. I’ve got anger issues, and I have a bad habit of saying exactly what I’m thinking even when I shouldn’t. So I’m here to try to fix that, because it’s hurtful to my friends and family.” 

“That’s very brave of you to tell us that, Atsumu. I promise you that you can get better if you give enough effort.” The therapist said, smiling brightly, “Anyone else want to tell their stories?” 

Atsumu must’ve felt your eyes on him, because he glanced over and met your gaze. Almost immediately, he gave a smug little smile and raised an eyebrow, as if challenging you. Your eyes widened slightly, but you didn’t look away. It was clear what he was hinting at. He was daring you to speak next. And the look on his face made it very transparent that he thought you wouldn’t. 

You, being the competitive person you were, weren’t going to allow that. 

“I’ll go next.” You spoke up, tearing your eyes away from the blonde boy and looking back at the therapist. She smiled and nodded, signifying that you were okay to speak. You met Atsumu’s eyes again, showing him just how wrong he was, and began, “I’m y/n. Kozume. And I’m here because I got in a car accident a few months ago, and permanently damaged my leg. Because of this, I had to give up my volleyball career.”

At the mention of volleyball, Atsumu’s eyes widened, but you continued without pausing, “I’m having a hard time coming to terms with that, as well as the trauma from the accident. And my doctor suggested group therapy, so here I am.” 

As soon as you were done, you averted your eyes, slightly embarrassed at how you’d just spilled your guts to a room of strangers all because some boy looked like he didn’t think you would. You seriously needed help. 

“Thank you for sharing, y/n. I’m glad you’re seeking support, and that you’re healing from your accident. It’s very good.” The therapist said, before looking at all the other people, “Who else wants to share?” 

Other people slowly started speaking up after that, and everyone in the room was opening up about what brought them there today. You couldn’t focus on that, though. Because Atsumu wasn’t taking his eyes off you, and the look on his face made you shiver. 

After about an hour of everyone explaining what they were going through, the session was ended and everyone was free to partake in the snacks provided. You were starving, and in no hurry to walk back home after sunset with your crutches, so you loitered around the snack table as long as possible. Others grabbed their snacks and left, or just left without grabbing anything, but there were a few who stuck around for a bit like you were. Atsumu was one of them. 

“So.”  _ Speak of the devil.  _ Atsumu came up next to you, reaching over you to grab a cookie off the table. He took a bite, then turned to you and spoke, “You played volleyball?” 

You looked at him, sipping out of the cup of juice you held before responding, “I did. Before my leg got all fucked up.” 

“That’s cool. I play volleyball, too. I’m a setter. What was your position?” 

Ah, so that’s why he’d been so interested in you. The two of you enjoyed the same sport, so you guess to him that meant you were friends. And he was being nice enough, plus giving you a reason to not leave yet, so why not talk to him? 

“I was a setter.” 

“Really?” His face lit up, and he grinned, “That’s so cool! Both of us being the same. What are the odds?” 

You couldn’t help but laugh a little at his excitement, taking a bite out of your own cookie, “It is kind of surprising.” 

He hummed, leaning against the table, “What team?” 

“Nekoma. You?” 

“Inarizaki.” 

“Oh, I’ve heard of you guys. You’re like Nationals favorites.” 

Atsumu laughed, though there was pride on his face, “Yeah, we’re really good.” 

“Wait.” You furrowed your brows, a thought coming to you, “Miya Atsumu. As in the Miya twins. You have a twin brother, don’t you?” 

“Unfortunately.” He rolled his eyes, “Osamu’s a pain in the ass.” 

You couldn’t help but laugh, “I see. I’m a twin, too. I’ve got a twin brother.” 

“No way! Really?” At you nodding in confirmation, he grinned and held his hand up for a high five, “Twin buddies!” 

You returned his grin, giving him a high five. 

Okay, so maybe Atsumu wasn’t  _ too _ bad of a choice for company. You seemed to get along with him well, it was nice. 

“You’re really cute, you know. Especially when you smile.” 

His comment made you go bright red, and you averted your eyes. Nothing made you more flustered than compliments. You had no idea how to react to them. “Oh. Thanks.” 

“Of course.” He moved a little closer, “You got a boyfriend or something?” 

Oh, no. Why? Why did he have to do this? Just when you thought you could be his friend, he had to start flirting with you. God damn it all. If only you could make a run for it. 

“Uh.” You looked up, forcing yourself to meet his eyes, “Well, it’s, uh, it’s complicated.” 

As much as you didn’t want to have anything romantic with Atsumu, you couldn’t just lie and say you were with someone. That just felt wrong. And like a betrayal to Wakatoshi, who was working so hard to be good enough for you. So, complicated would have to do. 

“Ah. I see.” He nodded, tilting his head back and looking away, “Does he treat you well?” 

“Extremely.” Your answer came without hesitation. 

Atsumu nodded, smiling at you, “Good. If that ever changes, you leave his ass. You deserve the best.” 

Okay, you liked him. It was decided. He wasn’t trying to come on to you despite your clear disinterest, and he still seemed to be interested in talking to you. He also wanted you to make sure you were being treated right. You could very easily see yourself being good friends with him. 

You wondered how bad his personality issues were, and how they’d affect a friendship. 

“Got it.” You smiled, “Thank you.” 

“Mmhmm.” Atsumu sighed, silent for a moment, before he spoke again, “So do you have a ride home?” 

“No.” You sighed, shaking your head, “I’m gonna have to walk. That’s gonna be a pain with these crutches.” 

“I’ll walk with you.” He offered, and you gave him a surprised look. 

“What? But what if your house is like the opposite way?” 

“Eh. The exercise’ll be good.” 

“You don’t have to do that, Atsumu. Really. I can walk alone. I’ll be fine.” 

“I think it’s better to be safe than sorry.” He pointed out, raising his eyebrows in emphasis, “Besides, wouldn’t your Mr. Complicated feel better if he knew you had someone with you on your way home?” 

You pursed your lips. He was right. It was night time, and there were a lot of dangerous people in the World. With your condition, you had no way to protect yourself. And if Wakatoshi or Kenma knew that you were planning to walk home alone, they’d be worried as hell. Besides, Atsumu was offering. It would be better to accept his proposal. 

“Fine. But I’ll owe you one.” 

“Come see me play in the Nationals and we’ll call it even.” He grinned, and all you could do was give an exasperated sigh as you held back your own smile. 

“I’ll see what I can do about that.” 

“You ready to go now?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Great.” He moved over to the door, opening it for you, “Shall we?” 

You smiled in thanks, and made your way outside. Atsumu followed, and a slamming door was the last sound as you were surrounded by the quiet night. 

“So. Which way?” He asked. 

“This way.” You gestured with your head, then began your trek down the sidewalk. Atsumu matched your stride, walking next to you with his hands shoved in his pockets. 

The two of you walked in silence for awhile, only the sounds of his footsteps and your crutches hitting the ground keeping you from total quiet. The sun had long set, and the sky was littered with stars. There wasn’t a cloud in sight, which allowed you to gaze into space easily. 

“Thank you for walking with me.” You said after awhile, glancing at the volleyball player next to you, “It’s really kind of you.” 

“No problem. I know if you were one of my loved ones, I’d feel better knowing you had someone walking with you.” 

“Hm.” Was all you responded with, turning your attention back to the walk ahead of you. 

A minute later, your phone buzzed in your pocket. You stopped, muttering a quick apology to Atsumu before fishing it out of your pocket. 

The screen was lit up with Wakatoshi’s contact information, and you were quick to answer the call and hold the phone to your ear. 

“Hey.” You greeted. 

“Hi. How was your therapy?” 

“It was okay. I’m not quite sure how I feel about it, yet.” You paused, sneaking a glance at your new acquaintance, “I did make a friend, though.”

Immediately, the blonde boy broke into a huge grin, “Are you talking about me?” 

“A friend?” Wakatoshi asked at the same time. 

You ignored Atsumu, rolling your eyes and responding into your phone, “Yeah. He’s walking me home right now.” 

“He?” 

“Who are you talking to? Is it your Mr. Complicated? Let me talk to him. I want to introduce myself.” Atsumu rambled, making a grab for your phone. 

“No, leave me alone.” You shot back, laughter in your voice. You took a step back, stumbling as you lost your balance on your injured leg. “I’m kind of in the middle of a conversation.” 

“Y/n?” Wakatoshi’s voice sounded from your phone. 

“Sorry.” You huffed out, turning your back on your walking partner, “He was trying to get my phone to talk to you.” 

A pause, and then, “Who is he?” 

“His name’s Miya Atsumu. He plays volleyball, too.” 

“I’ve heard of Miya Atsumu.” He muttered, and you could hear something off in his voice. You were about to question him about it, but you were interrupted. 

“Let me talk to him. Come on.” The blonde boy hissed, holding his hand out for your phone. You shook your head at him, furrowing your brows. You were pretty sure Atsumu talking to Wakatoshi would be catastrophic. 

“Yeah. We talked for a bit, and he’s pretty nice. Very annoying, though.” You emphasized that last part, meeting the person in question’s eyes as you did. 

He pulled a pained expression, placing a hand over his heart like you’d physically hurt him. You just rolled your eyes again, and shooed him off. 

“I see.” Wakatoshi was quiet, more so than usual. As if he was deep in thought, “I’m glad you made a friend. That’ll make therapy more enjoyable.” 

“Yeah…” You trailed off, feeling a little off-kilter with his sudden mood change, “Are you okay?” 

But before Wakatoshi had the chance to respond, your phone was snatched out of your hand. You gasped, immediately reaching for it, but Atsumu just danced out of your reach and then held the phone to his ear. 

“Hello, this is Atsumu. I’m assuming you’re Mr. Complicated.” 

Wakatoshi’s response was muffled, so you couldn’t hear what he said, but it made Atsumu grin. 

“Well, I’d just like to say that I’ve only known y/n for about an hour but I think she’s great, and  _ very,  _ very pretty. So, I’d suggest that you snatch her up before someone else gets to her first. God knows people will try.” 

His words had your face going bright red, and you felt embarrassment wash over you. Wakatoshi did  _ not _ need to hear that from a guy he didn’t know, especially one that you barely knew yourself. The two of you were working it out yourselves, and you didn’t need any comments from outside parties. If you weren’t injured, you might’ve kicked his ass for that. 

“Atsumu!” You hissed, “Give me my phone right now.” 

He just shook his head and smirked at you, staying silent as he listened to Wakatoshi’s response. Whatever he said must’ve been interesting, though, because Atsumu’s face morphed into an impressed expression with a hint of excitement. He chuckled, shoving his free hand in his sweatshirt pocket. 

“Well, damn. I can see why she likes you.” He muttered, and that only piqued your interest even more, “I think we’re on the same page now.” 

Another response you couldn’t hear. 

“Alright. I’ll give you back to her now. It was nice talking to ya, Ushijima.” 

He paused for a second before smiling and handing the phone back to you. You took it quickly, stepping back from him. 

“Wakatoshi?” You asked as you held the phone back up. 

“Yes?” 

You sighed, “I’m sorry about him. He clearly has some issues, hence the therapy.” 

“Hey!” Atsumu exclaimed, but you ignored him. 

“It’s alright. Don’t apologize. If nothing else, I’m glad you’re not walking home alone.” He responded, “I’m sorry I couldn’t walk with you. We had practice.” 

“It’s okay, I get it. Don’t be sorry. You need to focus on volleyball right now.” 

“Are you close to being home?” 

“Yeah. We’re about five minutes away, now.” 

“Okay. I’ll let you go, then. Text me when you’re home so I know you got there safe. I’ll talk to you later.” 

“Okay. Thanks for calling, Wakatoshi. It was nice to talk to you.” You told him, smiling a little. 

“I feel the same. Goodbye, y/n.” 

“Bye.” 

The phone call clicked to an end, and you let the hand holding it drop to your side. You met Atsumu’s eyes, who just grinned at you in return. 

“What?” You asked, narrowing your eyes. 

“You’re totally crazy for him, huh?” He asked, teasing. 

You glared at him, shaking your head and continuing down the sidewalk. 

“Your silence is deafening, y/n.” He called, hurrying after you. You just sighed and ignored him, making your way home. 

You weren’t going to grace that question with a response. On one hand, you barely knew him. You weren’t about to spill your guts to a stranger. And on the other, you didn’t want to answer him. The answer sort of scared you, honestly. 

Because he was right. You were completely, absolutely crazy for him. 

___________________

After pep talks from several loved ones, as well as yourself, you’d managed to convince yourself to go see the Qualifier games your friends were playing in. You wouldn’t watch the games your own team was playing in,  _ couldn’t _ , but you could handle watching your friends and brother play. 

And because of this, your weekend had been jam-packed with volleyball games. You were moving from place to place, game to game, without a single moment to even breathe in between. You’d watched some of Fukurodani’s games, Nekoma’s  _ boy’s _ games, Karasuno games, Seijoh games, and Shiratorizawa games. So far, your friends had done extremely well. You were very proud of them. 

Right now, you were getting ready to watch Seijoh play against Karasuno. This one, you were extremely nervous about. You had friends on both teams and didn’t really want to have to watch one of them lose. Last time this matchup had happened, Karasuno had lost due to inexperience. But you’d been watching them play in other matches, and they had improved exponentially. 

You genuinely had no clue who would come out on top. 

You sat alone in the audience, watching as the match began. Unfortunately for you, all of your friends were playing in the matches you were watching or getting ready for their own, so you were left on your lonesome. You tried not to let it bother you, but having to face volleyball again after losing it, and doing it alone, was showing to be extremely difficult. Every time you saw a particularly powerful serve or a flawless receive, you had to hold back tears and look away. 

You missed it. God, did you miss it. More than you’d missed anything in your life. It made you clench your jaw and grip the fabric of your pants, trying to physically fight off the pain weighing on your chest. The one thing that made you feel whole, and it was gone. 

You looked away from the court where your friends were playing, tears blurring the sight of your lap. You felt teardrops on your legs, seeping into the pants with dark spots that matched the holes in your soul. The sounds of cheering and volleyball echoed in your ears, making you feel completely crowded. As if you were imprisoned, and your surroundings were your torture. Reminders of things you’d never have again. 

This was the closest you’d ever get to volleyball again, sitting in the crowd and wishing it was you on the court. 

Before you could think it through, you got out of your seat, grabbing your crutches and hurrying out of the gymnasium. Your tears continued to fall, quicker now that you were moving out of the sight of others. You were slowly letting it overcome you, exactly the way you’d feared it would, and you couldn’t sit in that chair another second without the reality of your situation crushing you. 

You left the stadium to get some fresh air, and hopefully calm down. You didn’t return until after the match was already over and Karasuno had claimed their victory. 

You didn’t see Oikawa or Iwaizumi after the match, but you texted them both and told them how proud you were. Neither of them responded, but you told yourself you’d follow up later and try not to worry about it. In the meantime, you met up with Karasuno to congratulate them. Suga, Daichi, and Hinata, specifically. 

All three of them hugged you, and Hinata was jumping up and down as he did. It was clear that he was excited about making it to the finals, and you couldn’t help but feel a little of his excitement rub off on you. When Daichi hugged you, he asked why your eyes were red, and what was wrong. You just shook your head, scared that you’d break down if you tried to talk about it. He left it at that, clearly sensing that you weren’t in a good place for him to ask questions. 

After that, you and your friends went your separate ways. You pretended you didn’t feel jealousy burn in your blood as you watched them celebrate their win. 

The last game you were going to watch was the one that had you the most nervous. Karasuno versus Shiratorizawa. It was once again a match where you had friends on both teams, though you were probably leaning towards Shiratorizawa because of Wakatoshi and Tendou. Still, either way you’d have to watch people you cared about hurt. It wasn’t a pleasant experience. 

You sat alone again, and luckily this time you didn’t have a spontaneous breakdown that made you leave halfway through. 

The entire game was a nail-biter, and you found yourself on the edge of your seat. But at the end, Karasuno once again came out on top. 

You didn’t congratulate them this time, giving yourself the excuse that they were already caught up in a flurry of activity and you could do it later. But really, you were a little upset and not sure you could face them. You watched the Shiratorizawa team try to come to grips with their loss, watched as Wakatoshi’s shoulders slumped and Tendou’s eyes seem to be stuck to the ground. You hurt for them, and watching them feel this way was sort of like looking into a mirror. 

They’d lost their chance at Nationals, you’d lost your chance at volleyball. All of you were experiencing the pain of losing something you desperately wanted. You felt like you should go down there and talk to them, but thought better of it. You didn’t have anything to say that would make them feel better. If you did, you would’ve said it to yourself. 

Instead, you went home and crashed in your bed as soon as your head hit the pillow. It had been a long, crazy weekend and your body was desperate for some rest. After months of having to take it easy, being busy like that was more exhausting than it should have been. Thus, you slept the afternoon away and woke up just as your brother and Kuroo arrived with dinner. 

You sat down in the living room with them, still drowsy from sleep, and took your serving from Kuroo with a grateful smile. They were quick to tell you that both their team and Bokuto and Akaashi’s had qualified for Nationals, and you congratulated them with as much happiness as you could muster. You were excited for them, truly, and you looked forward to seeing them play in Nationals. But then you thought about your situation, or about Wakatoshi, Tendou, Oikawa, and Iwaizumi, and you just felt sad. Two sides of the same coin, you supposed. 

“We’re gonna go out to celebrate tonight. Us, Bokuto, Akaashi, Suga, Daichi, and Hinata. Do you wanna come?” Kenma asked, poking at his own food. 

You were grateful that he had thought to ask you, but you knew that you were not in the mood to go out tonight. It felt wrong to celebrate with them, considering you had nothing to celebrate yourself. Plus, you had another idea for how to spend your night, “No, I’m good. I’ve got things to do. Thanks, though.” 

“You sure? You’ll be okay alone?” Kuroo asked. 

“I’ll be fine. Promise. I’m just too tired to go out.” You assured them, smiling a little. That seemed to soothe them, and the three of you continued eating, moving the conversation elsewhere. 

Not long after, they left to meet up with your friends and you were alone in your house. You sighed, grabbing your phone off the coffee table. Time to get to work. 

___________________

Ushijima wasn’t sure how to deal with the fact that he’d lost to Karasuno. He’d never imagined that they’d lose, and yet here he was. It was hard to comprehend. He felt… disappointed. Maybe even sad. 

He knew it wasn’t the last time he’d play volleyball. He was extremely talented, and he already had opportunities opening up for when he graduated. So it wasn’t as if he was saying goodbye to the sport. It was just the fact that he lost that was bugging him. He hated losing, but this loss was especially important. 

Because it had been his last High School game. He’d lost his last High School game. 

Ushijima frowned at the sidewalk in front of him, picking up the pace as he walked around the campus. They’d finished their 100 serve punishment awhile ago, and now he was taking a walk to get some fresh air and try to clear his head. It didn’t seem to be working yet. 

He knew you had come to watch the game, he’d seen you in the audience a couple times during the match. But you didn’t try to come talk to him after, nor did you text or call him. He had to admit that it stung a bit. He’d begun to rely on you in times he was struggling, and yet you were absent when he felt the most frustrated. 

His phone buzzed in his pocket, and he paused to pull it out. One glance at the screen, and all his negative thoughts towards you vanished. 

**_Y/n:_ ** **_i need you to come to my house ASAP. it’s an emergency_ **

Immediately, all the worst case scenarios flew through his mind, and he felt panic rising in his chest. He turned on his heel and took off running, not giving a second thought to leaving the school grounds. The possibility of you being in danger trumped any punishment he could get. 

It took him longer than he was comfortable with to get to your house, but he was knocking on the door as soon as he was close enough. A moment later, the door opened and you stood there, a smile on your face and crutches tucked under your arms. You looked unharmed, and there wasn’t any sign of worry in your expression. That had him confused. Based on your message, he’d assumed that something was wrong. 

“Are you okay? What’s the emergency?” He asked, panting a little from the running. 

“Oh. Uh- yeah.” You said, a sheepish smile spreading across your lips, “There isn’t actually an emergency. I just needed to get you here.” 

Ushijima frowned, taking a moment to process your words. So it was a lie? You’d only said that to get him here fast, and not because there was actually an emergency? He’d worried for nothing? 

He should’ve been mad. It was the natural thing to do. But instead, he was just relieved. Relieved that you were okay, and that you weren’t ignoring him for some reason. You also had wanted him here, and that made him feel a little better. 

“Oh. I see.” He made his way into the house as you stepped out of the way for him, then turned to look at you again, “Why did you need to get me here?” 

“Well,” You began, “All the guys who qualified for Nationals are out celebrating right now, while the rest of us have nothing to celebrate. And I don’t know about you, but that’s depressing. So I thought that it might be nice to get us losers together, so that we at least don’t have to be alone with our thoughts.” 

As you spoke, you made your way into the living room. Ushijima followed, and his eyes widened upon entering the room. Tendou, Oikawa, and Iwaizumi were all sitting on the couch, talking quietly. They looked over at him when he walked in, and Oikawa quickly looked away while Iwaizumi nodded in greeting and Tendou smiled and waved. Ushijima returned the wave, and then found a place to sit. 

It was clear now what was going on. You were trying to make them feel better, the ones who had lost. Because that was the type of person you are. A good, caring person that tried to help others no matter how much you may be struggling yourself. It was a big reason why Ushijima admired you. 

“Okay. Now that everyone’s here, we can begin.” You said, situating yourself in front of all of them, “I’m gonna be frank. You’re all here because every one of us has lost something. And, as someone who’s been trying to get over that loss for months, I know how hard it is. I hate that you have to go through that. So, basically, this is kind of like a weird, depressing get-together.” 

You pushed a tray of drinks on the coffee table towards them, and one sniff told Ushijima that it was hot chocolate. “Take one.” You commanded, and everyone did as told. 

Once everyone had the steaming drink in their hands, you continued, “All I’ve ever wanted is to get my team to Nationals. It had been my goal for years. And, when I was finally on the brink of that, I lost it all. I lost myself. And I’m still working on finding me again. But I’m trying, and that’s what matters. As long as I don’t give up, I’m on the right track.

“So that’s what I’m telling all of you. Don’t give up. That is the worst thing you could ever do.” You stated, “This is not the end. You have endless possibilities ahead of you, so please remember that. And know that you tried your hardest, and I am so proud of all of you. Hell, you made it farther than I did.” 

You smiled at that last part, though it was a pained smile, and then held up your drink, “So. To the ones who didn’t get to achieve their goals, but are still trying.” Everyone else raised their drinks in cheers, before you all took a gulp of the warm beverage. 

Ushijima lowered his cup, watching you as you said something to Oikawa that had your eyes sparkling. It made his chest feel warm, this whole thing. Seeing you try so hard to make them feel better, and to get better yourself. You were absolutely amazing. It left him in awe every single day. 

Ushijima didn’t know anything about love. But if this was it, then he was more than willing to experience it with you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here’s chapter fourteen! sorry it took me awhile to get out, i’m just now getting back into the groove of things. i’m also sorry about how lame this chapter is. it took me awhile to write it because i just couldn’t focus, so it’s not the best. but i promise that the next few chapters are going to be MUCH better! so make sure you look out for those :)
> 
> as always, thank you so much for reading. it really means a lot to me that people enjoy my story, and definitely keeps me motivated to write it. so keep leaving kudos and comments so i have more incentive to write! anyways, see you next week for chapter fifteen! have a good day :)


	15. fifteen

Weeks passed with nothing out of the ordinary occurring. You’d fallen into a routine of sorts, though sometimes the repetition made you feel like you were losing it. You’d go to school, go on a walk after, go to physical therapy on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, or group therapy if it was Tuesday, and then you’d go home and distract yourself until you fell asleep. On weekends, you spent your time either locked in your room, or with your brother if he was home. You’d paint, read, or watch something in your room, or play video games with Kenma. That was pretty much the only way you could hang out with him. 

Basically, you kept yourself as busy as possible to avoid being alone with your thoughts. Which was extremely unhealthy, but it was how you were coping right now. Because the alternative, having to process everything going on and what you had gone through, sounded so much worse than just ignoring it all. You were barely keeping it together some days, and you knew that your fragile emotional state could easily be crushed by anything. 

You should probably apologize to your therapist for doing the opposite of everything she told you. 

You set the book you’d been reading in your lap, finally giving up on the task after re-reading the paragraph you were on five times because you kept zoning out. Clearly, your mind did not have the patience for something like that today. Which was annoying, because Kenma was going to be gone all day and you didn’t have anything else you were interested in doing to pass the time. You were out of painting supplies and hadn’t had the time to get more, and watching TV didn’t sound at all appetizing. So, with nothing better to do, you reached over and grabbed your phone off the nightstand. 

While you were reading, you’d gotten quite a few messages. One from Kenma reminding you to eat, one from Tendou that was a picture of something cool he’d found outside, one from Wakatoshi asking how you were doing, and a slew of texts from your newest and neediest friend, Atsumu. 

**_Atsumu:_ **

**_Hey it’s me. Your favorite mental illness buddy ;)_ **

**_Atsumu:_ **

**_Dude it’s been ten minutes what are you doing_ **

**_Atsumu:_ **

**_Don’t act like you’re busy, we both know you dont have a life_ **

**_Atsumu:_ **

**_Are you breaking up with me? So soon? Damn y/n, i thought you were different </3_ **

**_Atsumu:_ **

**_You have two minutes to answer or next week at therapy we’re gonna tussel._ **

**_Atsumu:_ **

**_Now I’m scared that you’re like dead or something. Did you die? I’m gonna be real pissed if you did_ **

**_Atsumu:_ **

**_That’s it. I’m going to your house to make sure you aren’t like decaying in the hallway or some shit_ **

  
  


That last text had been sent ten minutes ago, but you were pretty positive it was a joke. Still, the thought of him coming over made you a little excited. You were extremely lonely, and nothing helped distract you from your thoughts more than another person. It was easy to focus on them in the moment, and silence any of those things in your brain that stung a little too much. Unhealthy, yes, but it was the only option in your opinion. 

Shaking your head, you typed out a response. 

**_You:_ **

**_Chill. I’m not dead, and i’m not ‘breaking up’ with you either. I was just reading and my phone was on silent. So i promise i’m fine, and so is our friendship. So don’t feel the need to come looking for my corpse._ **

**_You:_ **

**_If you still think we need to tussle at therapy next week, i understand. I’ll do my best to kick your ass, sir. But not literally. Because i can’t kick._ **

**_You:_ **

**_Also, that ‘no life’ thing was outta pocket. Might break up with you over that. Maybe i’ll even block your number too. Then what would you do? I know i’m your only friend_ **

  
  


You forced yourself up from your bed after that, sliding your phone into the pocket of the sweats you wore and limping your way to the kitchen. Over the past month, your leg had most definitely gotten better. You were starting to be able to bend your knee without excruciating pain, because now it was just severe pain instead. Not much improvement, you knew, but… baby steps. You just needed to keep trying, and then one day you’d be almost normal again. 

You’d resigned yourself to the fact that you’d never be  _ completely _ normal, so ‘almost’ was as good as it would get. 

You also didn’t use your crutches much anymore, only when you were doing  _ a lot  _ of physical activity. Other than that, they weren’t really necessary. You were able to get yourself around pretty well. Sure, you limped and stumbled a bit, but at least you were doing it without help. That’s what was most important to you. 

Upon entering the kitchen, you moved over to the fridge and got yourself a small snack and some juice. Kenma had asked you to eat, and as much as you didn’t want to, you knew it was better in the long run. Besides, if it were the other way around, you’d want him to eat even if he didn’t feel like it. You couldn’t exactly be a hypocrite, so this little snack would do. It was better than nothing, anyways. 

Just as you were about to sit down and eat, though, there was a knock on your door. Sighing, you got up and made your way over to the door before pulling it open. 

To your surprise, Atsumu stood there, smiling down at you. “You’re not dead. That’s a relief.” 

“Wh- I- What are you doing here? Did you not get my texts?” You asked, stumbling back as he let himself into the house. 

“Yeah, I did, but I was already on my way. Plus, what if you’d been murdered and that was your murderer trying to throw me off so I wouldn’t show up here and catch him?” 

“I.. that is the most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard.” You commented, shutting the door, “Just say you wanted to see me and move on.” 

“Okay, maybe I did want to see you. So what? Is it so bad of me to want to hang out with my only friend?” He asked, turning to you. 

“Maybe I wouldn’t be your only friend if you didn’t do shit like show up at their houses unannounced.” 

“Don’t act like you aren’t excited that I’m here. We both know you were bored. You said you were reading before I came.” His face twisted into a grimace, “ _ Reading. _ ” 

“Hey!” You smacked his arm, rolling your eyes, “I’ll have you know that reading is fun, very much. It’s not my fault you never learned how to.” 

“Damn. The bullying never stops with you, y/n. Why do I put up with this abuse?” 

“Like you said, I’m your only friend. You don’t have any other options.” 

“Hm. You’re right.” He pursed his lips before smiling at you, “Anyways, what do you want to do?” 

“Well, I  _ was _ about to eat before you interrupted me.” 

“Ooh, yum. What are we having?” 

“Uh.” You paused, “I didn’t make anything. We don’t even really have food right now. I was just gonna have an apple and some juice.” 

“Are you kidding me? What did you have for breakfast?” 

“Nothing?” 

“Y/n! You can’t have nothing for breakfast and then an apple for lunch. You’ll starve that way.” He exclaimed, “How about we go out for lunch? My treat.” 

You blinked, a little taken back by his offer, “I- Are you sure?” 

“Yeah. That way we kill two birds with one stone. I get to hang out with you, and you get to eat. It’s a great plan.” 

You sighed, “Yeah, okay. We can do that. Let me just go get ch- whoa!” 

As you’d tried to make your way to your room in order to change into something more appropriate for going out, Atsumu had grabbed you by the waist and thrown you over his shoulder. 

“Nope! We’re going now. Your outfit is fine, y/n. Cute, even.” He explained, walking to the door with you still on his shoulder. 

“Atsumu, put me down. I swear to God, I  _ will  _ kick your ass.” You demanded, hitting his back as hard as you could without actually doing any damage. 

“Oh, I’d love to see that.” He teased, and you knew he’d opened the door as soon as a wave of cold air hit your legs. God, December was always freezing here. For some reason, though, Atsumu froze in place, still holding you, and muttered, “Oh. Hey there.” 

“What? What’s going on?” You asked, glaring at his lower back as that was the only thing in your sight, “I can’t see!” 

After that, Atsumu lowered you down off his shoulder and onto your feet, grabbing your arm when you immediately stumbled back. Once you’d regained your balance you punched his arm, glaring at him, “Asshole.” 

He just grinned at you, before his gaze slid over to something behind you. You turned around, trying to figure out what had made him freeze, and stopped short when your eyes landed on Wakatoshi standing on your porch. His eyes were flicking in between you and Atsumu, expression unreadable and brows furrowed. 

“Wakatoshi!” You exclaimed, smiling at him, “What are you doing here?” 

He looked at you, and his face softened a little, but not much, “You didn’t answer my text. Plus, I had some free time so I came to see if you’d want to spend time together. But it seems like you’re busy.” 

“Hey, she did the same thing to me, Mr. Complicated.” Atsumu commented, and the two of you looked at him, “Ignored my text, that is. I thought she died, so I came to check on her.” 

You rolled your eyes, “I already told you, I was reading.” Then you looked back at Wakatoshi, “I’m sorry I didn’t answer your text. I was planning on doing that after I ate a quick snack. I didn’t mean to make you worry.” 

“Who is he?” Was Wakatoshi’s next question, and you blinked. Oh, right. They hadn’t met yet. 

“I’m Miya Atsumu.” Atsumu immediately said, grinning, “Y/n’s therapy buddy. We talked on the phone once when I was walking her home.” 

Wakatoshi watched him for a second, seeming to process his words, and you swore you could  _ see  _ the tension between the two of them. If only you’d just actually been dead like Atsumu thought. 

“Right. Why are you here?” 

“Well, like I said, I was coming to check on her. But I was also bored, so I came to hang out. We were about to go to lunch, because she told me she hadn’t eaten yet.” 

“Ah. I see.” 

Okay. Wakatoshi was upset over this whole situation, you could tell. But you had no idea what the fuck to do. You couldn’t just make Wakatoshi leave when he was obviously not in a good mood, nor could you make Atsumu leave when he’d just wanted to come over and spend time with you. The thought of having to spend time with both of them at the same time, though, made you wanna shrivel away and die. This interaction alone was enough to make you want to run away. 

As you stood there, frozen, trying to figure out what to do, the two men glared at each other. You were stuck. You couldn’t think of a solution where everyone was happy. You had no idea what to do, and if you stood here in silence for much longer you’d probably end up popping a blood vessel or two. You opened your mouth, hoping that your brain would just spout some sort of sentence that would help, only for your phone to go off just then. 

You quickly pulled it out, glancing at the incoming text, and you could cry from relief. Thank God or the Universe or  _ whatever  _ was out there for giving you a twin brother. You would forever be in Kenma’s debt for this moment. You pocketed your phone again and looked up at the two boys. 

“Um, actually guys…” You began, and they quit their staring contest to look at you, “I can’t hang out with either of you today, unfortunately. Kenma just texted me saying he’s coming to get me and we’re going out to lunch with Kuroo. I’m sorry.” 

They both tensed for a second before relaxing, and you finally felt like you could breathe again. You were seriously going to buy Kenma whatever fucking video game he wanted for this. 

“Ah, that’s alright. I’ll just go bug ‘Samu until he hangs out with me.” Atsumu said, smirking a little. Then he pulled you into a hug, squeezing tightly, “I’ll see you later, okay? Don’t ignore my texts so I know you’re alive.” 

“Yeah, okay. I’ll do my best.” You responded. He gave a little wave and a nod to Wakatoshi before starting on his way home. Now that you were alone, your eyes landed on the other boy. 

“Wakatoshi-” You began, only to be interrupted. 

“Do you have feelings for him?” 

Yeah. You expected that one. Atsumu made it pretty fucking obvious that he thought you were attractive, and the two of you were pretty close at this point. To Wakatoshi, who had very little experience in romance and relationships, this could very easily look like you were together. Or that you at least liked each other. 

“Wakatoshi…” You began, and you took his hands in yours, “I already told you. I know what I want, and that is not Atsumu. It’s you. I said that I’d wait, and I will. I’m not looking for anyone else. I don’t even want to look for anyone else.” 

He looked relieved after that, shoulders relaxing as he processed your words. He nodded, smiling a little, “Alright. I’m sorry for assuming.” 

“It’s okay. It’s understandable.” You assured him, “Atsumu likes to flirt, but he’s a friend. That’s it. I have no interest in him.” 

“That’s good. Any relationship we had probably wouldn’t be very enjoyable if you were interested in someone else.” He said. 

You laughed a little, shaking your head, “No, it wouldn’t. But lucky for you, you’re the only one I have eyes on.” 

You had no idea where this confidence was coming from. Normally, you wouldn’t be able to say things like that. You knew that both you and Wakatoshi were aware of your feelings, but you were never this vocal about them. It was completely unlike you, and you were a little shocked. Though, you could probably attribute it to wanting to make him feel better and more secure before he left. 

“And I don’t have any interest in anyone but you, either.” He nodded, “It seems we’re on the same page.” 

You smiled, a little giddy at how cute he was, “Yup. Go us!” 

He chuckled at your words before letting your hands go, “Well, I’ll leave now so you can go with your brother. I’ll talk to you later.” 

“Yeah, that sounds good. I promise I’ll answer your texts this time.” 

“Goodbye, y/n.” 

You smiled at him, “Goodbye, Wakatoshi.” 

He left after that, and as soon as you closed the door you collapsed on the ground in relief. That shit was more stressful than your fucking car accident. 

___________________

Wakatoshi had never been a big fan of Christmas. Winter in general wasn’t very enjoyable to him, and Holidays with divorced parents were difficult and even painful at times. It wasn’t like he dreaded it, but he didn’t look forward to it either. It was simply just another day of the year for him. But he was quickly learning that that would be different this time around. 

Because you were a big fan of Christmas, and you were one of the most important people in Wakatoshi’s life. 

Christmas itself was still a week and a half away, but you had not hesitated to immerse yourself with anything that related to the Holiday. He’d heard that you forced Kuroo and Kenma to help you decorate the house, and anyone who came over got a cup of hot cocoa almost immediately. Tendou himself had attested to that, as well as the fact that you were baking nonstop. Your home was overrun with sweets, more than you and your brother could ever eat. 

That’s what Wakatoshi had prepared himself for. When you’d asked to spend this Saturday with him, those are the things he told himself to be ready for. What he hadn’t been ready for, though, was the big smile you gave him as soon as you opened the door. Or the tight hug you threw on him as soon as he stepped inside. 

“I’m glad you could make it!” You exclaimed, finally pulling away from him. That smile was still on your face, and it left him a little breathless. 

“I told you I would come.” He replied, looking past you at all the decorations he could see in this entryway alone. It really was a lot. 

“Yeah, I know. But I’m still happy to see you. Would you like some hot chocolate?” 

“I’d love some, thank you.” He said, and you immediately turned and hurried off towards the kitchen. He watched you go, happily noticing that your limp wasn’t as bad as it had been just a few weeks ago. You really were working hard to get better. 

He was too, but for something much different. 

Wakatoshi had no idea what went into being a good boyfriend. It had never been something he was concerned with, so he didn’t bother learning. But now he had you, and you were so patiently waiting for him. It was the least he could do to try his hardest to make it happen. To become someone good enough for you. 

He didn’t think such a person could, or ever would, exist, but he’d get as close as he could. 

Wakatoshi made his way to the living room, where your brother and his friend were playing a video game. The friend glanced at him as he entered, but Kenma didn’t even look away from the TV. 

“Hey, Ushijima. How’ve you been?” Kuroo asked, looking back at the screen to ensure he didn’t lose. 

“Fine, thank you. What about you?” 

“Oh, just dandy. Nothing to complain about, really.” He paused, before he spoke again, “You and y/n together yet?” 

“No.” It was a little hard to say that, if he was being honest. Because as much as he wanted to be good for you, he wanted to just be with you even more. 

“Mm. That’s unfortunate.” 

“What the fuck are you waiting for?” Your brother piped up, though he still didn’t look away from the screen. 

“I’m waiting until I can be enough for her.” 

“You’ll never be able to live up to that.” Kenma responded, “You’ll always think that she deserves better than you, no matter what you do. You’ll keep her waiting forever if you go that route. Besides, you’re enough for her as you are. All you’re doing is wasting time you could’ve been together.” 

“And you’d know about that, wouldn’t you, Kenma?” Kuroo asked, “Still haven’t confessed to Hinata, last I heard.” 

“Shut up.” 

The two continued bickering, but Wakatoshi tuned them out, lost in thought as he pondered on your brother’s words. Was that really true? Was he just wasting time, because he’d never live up to the standards he thought he needed to be up to? Was he really enough as he was now? Could he make you happy enough with the person he was now? Was all this waiting really pointless? It was a lot to think about, and he was a little frustrated that your brother had said it. But if his words were true, then maybe they’d be helpful in the long run. 

“Okay. Here you go!” You said, handing Wakatoshi his hot chocolate as you entered the room. He accepted it with a quiet ‘thank you’, and blew on it before taking a sip. 

It was maybe the most delicious hot chocolate he’d ever had in his life. 

The two of you chatted with your brother and his friend for a bit before deciding it was time to leave and begin your day of activities. Wakatoshi had no idea what you were doing or where you were going, but he’d happily go along with it as long as you did. You lead the way down the sidewalk, wrapped in a thick beige coat, with a maroon scarf and beanie to go with. The only thing he could really think when he looked at you was…  _ cute _ . 

“You’re being quiet, Wakatoshi.” You said, before laughing a little, “Well, quieter than usual.” 

“I’m sorry. I keep getting lost in my head.” He responded, giving you an apologetic look. 

You shook your head, playfully bumping his arm with your shoulder, “Don’t be sorry. I was just pointing it out. But what are you thinking about? Did you wanna talk about it?” 

As much as he enjoyed having someone to listen to his thoughts, and as much as he trusted you, he felt like this wasn’t something he should talk to you about. At least not now. Considering you were involved with it, it was better to bring it up when he had his thoughts in order. So he shook his head. 

“No, it’s okay. It’s nothing upsetting. Just something to think about.” 

“Hm. I see. Well, if you change your mind, I’m willing to listen.” You told him, even though he was already well aware of that. You liked to make it clear that you would be there for him as long as he needed you. 

“I know. Thank you, y/n.” After a minute of silence, he spoke again, “So where are we going?” 

“I thought we’d start out with some Christmas shopping. I’ve got lots of gifts to buy, and I’m sure you have people you’d like to get things for, too.” You explained. 

Wakatoshi pursed his lips, trying to think of all the people he felt like he should get a gift for. There weren’t many, if he was being honest. You, Tendou, his teammates, and his parents were the extent of people he was close enough to get something for. You clearly had more people to shop for than him, but he’d still happily join you as you did it. It wasn’t the activity that was important to him, but rather the company. 

“Is that okay?” You asked, clearly thrown off by his silence. 

He tilted his head to look at you, nodding, “Yes, that’s fine. I was thinking about who I have to get gifts for. It’s a pretty short list.” 

You laughed that beautiful laugh of yours again, making him feel much warmer than the coat he was wearing did. It was one of his most favorite sounds in the entire world, and he hadn’t heard it nearly enough lately. Who knew there’d ever be a day when he wished you were back in the hospital. 

“I wish I could say the same.” You said, the laughter still shimmering through your voice, “I’ve got my parents, Kenma, Kuroo, Bokuto, Akaashi, Oikawa, Iwaizumi, Daichi, Suga, Hinata, you, Tendou, and Atsumu. Plus I think I’m going to get something for Kasumi. We’re not really friends anymore, but… I know she feels bad about what happened. So I wanna try to show her that she doesn’t need to be.” 

Wakatoshi tensed a little at the mention of  _ Atsumu,  _ but chose to ignore it and nodded, “That’s very kind of you, y/n. You’re an extremely good person.” 

You blushed at the compliment, looking down at the sidewalk to try to hide your red face. It made him want to see it even more, and he had to stop himself from grabbing your chin and tilting your head up. 

“Well, I wouldn’t say that.” You rebutted, “I’m just trying to help.” 

“Which is something an extremely good person would do.” 

Immediately, your cheeks lit up again and you burrowed yourself into your scarf. Wakatoshi couldn’t help the smile that spread on his lips at the sight. You really were, for lack of a better word, cute. Incredibly beautiful and strong and kind, and so many good things, and on top of it all, cute. 

“You gotta stop saying stuff like that.” 

Wakatoshi shook his head, looking forward at the path in front of him, “I won’t. You deserve to know what I think of you, and how amazing you truly are. You don’t give yourself enough credit, and I will do everything in my power to change that.” 

“Wakatoshi.” You groaned, voice muffled as you completely hid your head in the thick scarf you wore. Even though you were acting like you were frustrated, he could hear the affection and warmth in your words. 

“You’re going to get hurt if you keep walking without looking.” He commented, and he gently grabbed your arm to pull you out of the way as a couple passed you, as if to prove his point. Even after the other people had long passed, he didn’t remove his hand from your arm, or move away from where he was pressed against your side. After a month of not seeing you, and then weeks where you were too scared to touch him, he’d had to face the tough realization that he liked touching- and being touched by- you. 

Wakatoshi slid his hand all the way until your arms were linked, and then shoved his hand back in his pocket as an escape from the cold. You groaned again at the action, and for a moment he was afraid that you were opposed to the touch. But then you spoke, and he felt relief wash through him. 

“You make it really hard to act mad at you when you do stuff like that, you know?” You commented, finally emerging from your scarf cocoon. Your face was still red, and Wakatoshi allowed himself to enjoy the sight for a few moments before looking back at the direction he was headed in. 

“I’ll keep that in mind for other times when you’re mad at me.” 

“Asshole. That’s illegal. You can’t use my feelings for you against me.” 

Hearing you say ‘my feelings for you’ sent a shiver through him, and he almost asked you to say it again. It still was unreal to him that you could feel that way about him, even with all the difficulties that came with knowing him. Somehow, though, you’d managed to push past all those and make yourself at home in all the vulnerable parts of him. It felt as if you were a part of him now, a vital piece in the puzzle that made up his soul. One that, if lost, would ruin the entire thing. 

He chuckled, pushing away the serious thoughts to focus on the light atmosphere the two of you had created, “I think that’s exactly what I can do. What use are they to me if I can’t use them to stay in your good graces?” 

“Damn, so it’s like that, huh?” You responded, but the smile on your face rivaled the words you spoke, “And here I thought I meant something to you.” 

“Wherever did you get that idea?” 

“You know what? I’m taking you off my Christmas gift list. I’m not spending a cent on you. Enjoy getting coal from me this year.” 

“You’ll still have to buy the coal to give it to me.” 

“Ugh!” You exclaimed, and at this point he was smiling wider than he had in a very long time. 

You made him feel so unbelievably free. Like he could be open and unguarded without any fear of judgement or misuse. With you, he felt like he could show the deepest parts of himself, the ones that no one else ever got to really see. He’d seen you at your worst, built a friendship with you from the rubble of who you used to be, remnants of a life you could no longer live. You’d shown him the worst parts of yourself before he even got to see the good, and you trusted that he wouldn’t leave. 

You were strong, and brave, and a true inspiration to Wakatoshi for being able to walk here and laugh with him after everything you’d been through. You were truly the best person he’d ever had the good fortune of knowing, and for some reason, you’d chosen him. Anyone in the world would’ve been lucky to have you, and you chose him. He, who was socially inadequate, intimidating, terrible with emotions, and clueless about pretty much everything except volleyball. He, who felt like he fell short on everything he thought you deserved. 

Others looked at him and left without a second thought, finding him too unnerving to even have a conversation with. But you… 

You looked at him and saw someone you could love. 

He stopped short, a realization coming over him so powerfully that his body quit moving. His mind replayed your brother’s words from earlier, but it was as if he was hearing them for the first time. It was clear to him now, so much clearer than it had ever been before. He didn’t know how he hadn’t understood it before, or how you hadn’t smacked him across the head for being so stupid and explained it. You were stopped next to him, your linked arms keeping you from going ahead, and your eyes looked at him with a question. 

_ You’ll keep her waiting forever if you go that route. Besides, you’re enough for her as you are. All you’re doing is wasting time you could’ve been together _ .

It was true, all he was doing was just wasting time. The things he thought you deserved, those humanly unattainable standards, they’d hold him back for the rest of his life if he tried to reach them before being with you. And, on top of that, they were what  _ he  _ thought you deserved, not what you thought. He was trying to make decisions that had to do with you, without even consulting you at all about it. He was acting like this relationship was just one-sided, and not letting you have any say. 

You, being the absolute saint you were, had let him do this. You gave him the time he said he needed and had faith that he’d be able to get to those standards. No matter how much it hurt you to have to wait. But you believed he could reach those standards, and that he’d do it with ease. 

Because he was enough for you, already. He was up to your level, and that mattered so much more than his impossible idea of what he needed to be. 

“Wakatoshi?” You asked, worry evident in your voice at the sight of him stopping in place and just staring off into the distance. “What’s wrong?” 

He turned to look at you, pulling his arm away from yours only to grab both your hands immediately after. “Y/n.” He began, crouching down a little to be at eye level with you, “Can you answer something for me?” 

“Yeah, but- what’s going on? You’re worrying me.” 

“When I say that we have to wait until I’m good enough for you, what do you think I have to do to achieve that?” 

“I, uh.” You furrowed your brows, shaking your head, “Why are you asking that?” 

“I want to know what your thoughts are.” 

“I- well…” You sighed, “I think it’s kinda stupid, honestly. You talk about wanting to be enough for me, but you already are. That’s the whole thing. I want you how you are now. That’s the person I fell for. But it seems like you aren’t ready yet, and that’s okay. I’ll give you the time you need. I just don’t want you to feel like you have to change who you are.” 

Wakatoshi smiled, slightly squeezing your hands, “Do you mean that? That I’m enough how I am now?” 

“Of course I do, Wakatoshi. I have never once doubted that.” 

“Then that’s enough for me.” He explained, “Y/n, if I’m enough for you, then you shouldn’t have to wait.” 

Your eyes widened, and he felt your hands shake a little in his as you processed his words. You opened and closed your mouth a few times as if trying to pick what to say, before finally settling on, “Wakatoshi, does that mean-?” 

“I don’t want to wait anymore.” Wakatoshi responded, trying to convey in his eyes how serious he was, “We can be together.” 

You seemed to freeze for a moment, and Wakatoshi feared he’d done something wrong. But then you gave out the happiest laugh he’d ever heard and threw your arms around him, pulling him into a tight hug. He grunted, stumbling a little from the unexpected impact, but was quick to wrap his arms around your waist and return the embrace. You buried your face in his neck, and even then he could feel the huge smile stretching over your lips. It made something warm curl up in his chest. 

“I- Holy shit. I don’t even know what to say. This is-” You pulled away, only to look up at him with shining eyes, and murmured, “Thank you.” 

“Why are you thanking me?” He asked, bringing a hand up to cup your cheek. You leaned into the touch as if it were instinct, and he felt like he was going to fall to his knees, “You say that like I don’t want this as much as you.” 

“It- it’s just so hard to believe.” You breathed, laughing a little, “That someone like you would want me.” 

“Y/n, there’s no one else I could want.” He paused for a moment, a thought coming to him. Then he met your eyes again, thumb gently stroking your cheekbone, “Can I show you how much I want you?” 

“What do you mean?” You asked, “How would you do that?” 

He smiled a little, stepping closer, “Stop me if you feel uncomfortable.” 

You just nodded, a little confused, before he smiled and leaned in. Wakatoshi pressed his lips against yours, a sweet, soft kiss full of nervousness and unsaid promises. You froze against him for a moment, before quickly relaxing and returning the kiss. It was awkward and sort of uncomfortable, largely due to inexperience, but Wakatoshi wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Because it was you. You, beautiful and strong and kind, and you were kissing him. 

You were kissing him, and he had no idea how he’d gone so long without this. How he’d ever get enough of this. It was like he’d just found something he was missing but didn’t even know it, and now that he was aware, it was shocking how evidently bare his life had been without it. It made him feel fulfilled, a happiness he’d never experienced flowing through every bit of his body. He wanted to stay in this moment forever, feel this way forever. 

You slowly pulled away, resting your forehead against his as you tried to catch your breath. He did the same, but his hands on your waist and cheek were as firm as ever. He wasn’t going to let you go, not for as long as he had the option to hold on. His lips tingled with the memory of you, and he instantly missed the warmth you gave him. But the smile you showed him when you pulled away even more was worth it.

You looked… radiant. He’d never seen you look as beautiful as you did right now. 

“I hope you see now.” He said, voice breathless from the kiss and the way you were looking at him, “That I’ve never wanted anything the way I want you.” 

You had no idea how true that statement was. How powerful the feeling in his chest was. How intoxicated he felt just from simply touching you like this. It was euphoric, like he’d tasted the richest water in the world, and no amount would ever be enough. He’d always want more, crave every bit he could get. 

Wakatoshi was sure of it now. For as long as he knew you, he’d never stop wanting you. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here it is! the long-awaited get together! first off, i wanna say that i'm sorry i didn't update last saturday. my mental health has been shit and i didn't have the energy to write. but i'm doing much better now, so i'm hoping i'll be able to keep that up for awhile. second, it is clearly not saturday and yet here's an update. that's because, since i didn't post last weekend, i'm going to double post this week to make it up to you. so you get this chapter today, and next chapter on saturday! as a little treat for your patience with me :)
> 
> anyways, i'm so happy these two are finally together!! even as the writer, i was desperately waiting for them to get their shit together, and it seems like they finally did! i hope you all enjoyed it as much as i enjoyed writing it, because it certainly was fun. and next chapter will give more y/n and ushi in love content, so be on the lookout for that! 
> 
> also, VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!!
> 
> i'm probably going to do a timeskip in one of the next few chapters, and i want you to be aware of that now so you're prepared and it's not out of the blue. so just know that that's coming, and i'll give another warning of sorts when it comes up. 
> 
> as always, i hope you enjoyed! and i can't wait to see you saturday for the next chapter!! have a great day :)


	16. sixteen

“I hope you see now. That I’ve never wanted anything the way I want you.” 

Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. Ushijima Wakatoshi just kissed you. On the lips. And then said he’d never wanted anything like he wanted you. What the fuck.

How the hell did you get in this situation? What good deed did you do in a past life that allowed you to be in this situation right now? And how were you supposed to move on from this? How could you ever go back to living your life when you knew that  _ Ushijima Wakatoshi  _ had kissed you. And said he wanted you. And that he wanted to be with you. 

How does someone cope with this? 

You were lost in your head, and you knew that the look on your face was probably a mix of dazed and giddy. Wakatoshi had his eyes on you, his warm hand still rested on your cheek, barely any space between the two of you. As the time went on, and you just stayed silent and still, worry crept over his face. His thumb brushed against your cheekbone again, prodding you back to the present. 

“Y/n?” He asked, nothing but care and warmth in his face, “Are you alright?” 

You were on cloud nine. Absolutely overwhelmed with euphoria. You assumed that was the reason that you simply blurted out, “I love you.” 

It took you three seconds to realize what you had said. And when you did, you immediately gasped and slapped a hand over your mouth. God, you were so stupid.

Wakatoshi blinked, shock flashing over his face, and pulled back a little to have a better view of you. He seemed to be having trouble figuring out how to respond to that, and you felt guilt and embarrassment coil up in your stomach. 

“I didn’t mean to say that!” You exclaimed, letting your hand fall away from your face. 

He furrowed his brows, looking a little like he’d been slapped, “So, you  _ don’t _ love me?” 

“No! Wait, I mean-” You sighed, smacking the heel of your hand against your forehead. You really should just stop speaking. It clearly wasn’t getting you very far right now. Taking a breath, you tried to get your thoughts together, and met his eyes again, “I  _ do _ love you. I promise you that. I just… didn’t mean to say it right then. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or make you feel like you have to say it back.” 

“Oh.” He nodded slowly, beginning to understand the situation, “I get that. And I’m not uncomfortable. In fact, I felt very… happy when you said that.”

“You did?” 

He nodded in confirmation, and you felt your cheeks heat up once again. How the hell you’d survive actually being in a relationship with him, you had no idea. Just this alone was going to send you over the edge. 

“But I won’t say it back yet.” He said, and you blinked up at him, “I don’t want to say it unless I’m completely sure that I mean it.” 

You smiled brightly at him, feeling warm over how much he clearly cared. Every day, he gave you another reason to fall in love with him. You wondered if there’d ever be a day when that wasn’t true. Though you seriously doubted that would happen. It seemed completely unrealistic. 

“That’s totally fine. Thank you for being honest with me.” 

“Of course. Honesty and communication are important in a relationship.” 

You felt your heart jump a little at that last part.  _ Relationship.  _ You were in a relationship with him. That was so crazy. You could barely think about it for more than three seconds without feeling like you’d start shaking. 

“It absolutely is.” You grinned, to which he gave his own sweet smile in return. 

“Well, should we continue on?” 

“Huh?” 

“Weren’t we going to go Christmas shopping?” 

“Oh! Right.” You laughed, face burning in embarrassment. You forgot. He kissed you and then you literally forgot what you were supposed to be doing. That was going to be difficult, “Yes, let’s continue.” 

He chuckled at your sheepish behavior and took your hand, squeezing it slightly. You felt your knees buckle under you and gripped his hand to keep yourself upright. Seriously, this was going to kill you. 

The two of you continued on to begin the rest of your day together, hand in hand as you walked. Once again, you tried to wrap your head around the recent events.

You were in a relationship with Ushijima Wakatoshi. Holy fucking shit. 

You could not wait to tell Sofi and Nivin about this. 

___________________

“Y/n, bestie, I love you. But I have never in my life met someone as shit at math as you.” Atsumu said through the video call the two of you were currently on. 

You gasped in shock, turning wide eyes on him, “Bro, what the fuck? I didn’t even do anything. I was just trying to live.” 

The blonde boy laughed, the camera jostling as he sat up in his bed, “You wanted me to help you with this assignment, I’m gonna help.” 

“Insulting me is not help.” You huffed, “Maybe I’ll just hang up and find someone else to help me. I only called you because you weren’t at therapy yesterday and I missed your annoying ass.” 

“Awe, you missed me? Are we about to kiss right now?” He grinned down at the screen. 

“Okay. Hanging up now.” 

“No, no, wait! I was just kidding. Don’t go.” He said hastily, and you sent a pointed look at him, “I missed you too, you know. I only wasn’t there because we had an extra volleyball practice that I couldn’t miss. Otherwise, I would’ve been there to silently judge the others with you.” 

“Ugh, we’re so fucked up.” You sighed. 

“Definitely.” 

“ _ Anyways.”  _ You continued on, moving away from the subject of group therapy, “Are you gonna help me with my math or not?” 

“Here’s the thing. I am  _ also  _ shit at math, but not as bad as you. So I will try to help, just don’t expect any miracles.” 

“Oh, so basically you’re annoying  _ and  _ useless. Why am I even still your friend?” 

“Didn’t you just say you missed me like two seconds ago?” 

“That was before I remembered you have no redeeming qualities.” 

Atsumu gasped, smacking a hand to his chest like he’d been shot, “I’ll have you know that I have  _ many  _ redeeming qualities. One, I’m hot. Two, I’m great at volleyball. Three, I’m fucking hilarious. I could go on.” 

“This is why you’re in therapy.” You rolled your eyes, laying back on your bed and holding the phone up above you. 

“You are ruthless. I have no idea how Mr. Complicated is even attracted to you, let alone in a relationship with you.” 

“I’m a lot nicer to him than I am to you.” 

“I cannot  _ believe  _ what I have to put up with being your friend. I deserve an award.” He sighed, dramatically slumping like he was seconds from passing out. 

“You lit-” 

“Y/n, stop flirting with your therapy friend before I tell on you and let your boyfriend know.” Kenma said suddenly, opening the door and walking into your room. 

“Kenma, what the hell!?” You exclaimed, sitting up, “You didn’t even knock!” 

“I knew you were on the phone. I doubted you were doing anything that required me knocking,” Your twin brother sighed, “Besides, I’m just here to say it’s dinner time. And that you already have a volleyball playing boyfriend.” 

“Shut the fuck up! I’m not flirting with Atsumu!” 

“Mmhmm.” Your brother said, rolling his eyes and shutting the door behind him as he left. 

“I’m gonna tell Hinata that you’re in love with him!” You yelled after him, but Kenma didn’t humor you with a response. You huffed, laying back down on your bed. 

“Twin brothers, am I right?” Atsumu commented, his voice taking on a tone that was very familiar to you. 

“Yeah.” You muttered, “Twin brothers.” 

“But let’s be real.” He continued, “You  _ were  _ flirting with me. It’s okay, though. It’s just everyone’s natural response when they talk to me.” 

“Okay, I’m actually hanging up now. You’ll never hear from me again.” 

He laughed, “Wait, y/n, I’m-” 

You hung up, partly to be dramatic and partly because you had to go eat dinner. You’d talk to him later, anyways. Sitting up, you dropped your phone on the bed and stretched until you heard your back pop. 

Your leg was being difficult today, as it was more often than you liked to admit. Your hip ached with every movement, your knee could barely bend, and your ankle couldn’t handle more than a little weight on it without hurting. You had to resort to dealing with the pain and hobbling around, or not moving at all. It was still much better than it used to be, but strenuous nonetheless. At least you could somewhat walk on it- other people weren’t as fortunate. 

You pushed the thoughts away and made your way to the kitchen, where Kenma was sitting at the table with Kuroo. It was quite common to find him eating dinner with you and your twin, and it’d been a long time since you were surprised to see him there. Now it was familiar, and even expected to a certain degree. You took your usual seat across from them, sending a questioning look their way when all they did was sit silently and stare at you. 

“What’s up with you guys?” You asked, looking back and forth between them. 

“Kenma just informed me that you’re already cheating on your boyfriend.” Kuroo commented, sounding a little like a condescending mother, “You simped over him for months, finally got him, and are already being unfaithful after like a week?” 

“Oh my fucking god.” You rested your elbows on the table, burying your face in your hands, “First of all, I didn’t simp, and it’s only been six days since we started dating. Second of all, I did not cheat. I wasn’t even flirting with Atsumu. We were just talking, bantering like we always do.” 

You looked up from your hands, glaring at your brother who looked a little too smug, “Just because this asshole is so socially isolated that he doesn’t know what actual flirting is doesn’t mean that I was doing it. You’re really gonna listen to the guy who’s been in love with someone for longer than me and  _ still  _ hasn’t done anything?” 

“Not all of us are desperate enough to confess at the first chance we get, y/n.” Kenma said pointedly, poking at his food. 

You clenched your jaw, trying to stop yourself from reaching over the table and strangling the life out of him. It was… very tempting right now. “Call me desperate if you want, but look where it got me. He’s my boyfriend now. And what is Hinata to you? An acquaintance?” 

“What do you expect me to do? Just walk up and say, ‘hey, by the way, I’m in love with you’? I don’t even know if he likes boys!” 

“Oh my God, you’re like the most useless gay person alive.  _ Of course  _ he likes boys! He looks at you like you make the sun rise every day!” 

“You’re calling me a useless gay person? Do you not recall that no one even knows you’re bi besides Kuroo and I because you just  _ forget to tell people? _ I’d say that’s a lot more useless than this!” 

“Okay, guys, maybe we should just all calm down and eat. I think the two of you are hangry.” Kuroo interjected, and you narrowed your eyes at him. 

“You’re the one who started this. You had to bring up cheating.” 

He held his hands up in surrender, bowing his head, “I apologize. I should’ve known that two hungry Kozumes are not something to be messed with.” 

You and Kenma huffed in unison before digging into your food, glaring at the plate. The meal continued on in silence, Kuroo too scared to speak and provoke anyone any further, and you and Kenma too angry to try to make conversation. Once you’d gotten some food in you, though, you found that you weren’t as frustrated. Were you going to apologize or admit that any of it had been your fault, though? No. Absolutely not. 

“Hinata really does like you.” You muttered, pushing around the little bit of food left on your plate, “You should at least tell him how you feel, and let him make the choice for himself on what he wants to do after that.” 

“Yeah, I know.” Your brother sighed, and you left it at that. 

Not long after, you thanked them for dinner, cleaned up your stuff, and returned to your room. Your phone was exactly where you had left it. Picking it up, you turned it on and glanced at the screen. Three missed calls and five texts from Atsumu, two texts from Tendou, a couple messages from the group chat, and three texts from Wakatoshi. More than you expected, but you weren’t going to complain about getting attention from people you cared about. 

You went down the list of notifications, checking them off in the order from oldest to newest. 

**_Three missed calls from:_ ** **_Atsumu_ **

**_Atsumu:_ **

**_y/n i didn’t mean it come back :(_ **

**_Atsumu:_ **

**_i know you weren’t actually flirting with me_ **

**_Atsumu:_ **

**_i’m sorry i said you were shit at math. it’s math that’s shitty, not you_ **

**_Atsumu:_ **

**_y/n answer me before i convince myself you’re dead_ **

**_Atsumu:_ **

**_do we really have to do this again because i WILL show up at your house_ **

You rolled your eyes at his dramatics, typing out a response. 

**_you:_ **

**_i’m not dead, or upset. i just was eating dinner. no need to panic <3_ **

**_you:_ **

**_and i forgive you for saying i’m shit at math. just this once_ **

Next up was Tendou’s messages. 

**_tendou:_ **

**_wakatoshi will not shut up about you. seriously. if he’s not talking about volleyball, then he’s talking about you. i think you’ve bewitched him._ **

**_tendou:_ **

**_also i miss you when can we hang out_ **

Once again, you texted your response. 

**_you:_ **

**_that message about wakatoshi is gonna make me cry :’) he’s so cute_ **

**_you:_ **

**_also i miss you too. when are you free??_ **

The groupchat was up next, though the messages weren’t anything too pressing. 

**_idiot captains and their bffs (+ y/n)_ **

**_oikawa:_ **

**_iwa just said he’d rather hang out with any of you instead of me :( this is literally abuse_ **

**_suga:_ **

**_so i see that iwaizumi has t a s t e_ **

**_akaashi:_ **

**_Iwaizumi has actually told me personally that he likes spending time with you, Oikawa. So he’s probably just saying that to rile you up._ **

**_iwaizumi:_ **

**_Akaashi, I trusted you_ **

**_iwaizumi:_ **

**_You think you know someone and then boom. They betray you_ **

**_bokuto:_ **

**_LMAO_ **

You couldn’t help but smile at the messages, and sent a quick response. 

**_you:_ **

**_wait is it ‘bully oikawa’ day already?? i thought that was next week_ **

And last, but certainly not least, Wakatoshi’s texts.

**_wakatoshi:_ **

**_I’ve been thinking, and since we’re dating now, it’s customary for us to go on dates._ **

**_wakatoshi:_ **

**_Would that be something you’re interested in?_ **

**_wakatoshi:_ **

**_If so, what would you like to do?_ **

You were pretty sure that if anyone could see your face right now, they’d think you’d won the lottery or something. You could barely hold back your excitement as you typed out a response. 

**_you:_ **

**_that is absolutely something i would be interested in. very much so._ **

**_you:_ **

**_as far as what i’d like to do, i don’t have any preferences as long as both of us would enjoy it and it’s not too physically difficult. my leg still isn’t all fixed up_ **

You set your phone down and continued with your assignment after that, though you could barely focus on it. You had no idea how you’d gotten so lucky, being able to have all the friends you did. You loved each and every one of them with everything in you, and they always made you feel so secure. One of those friends was now your boyfriend, but you definitely weren’t complaining, and he made you feel just as good if not more. Everything just seemed so good right now. 

And based on what your circumstances had been just a few months ago, you were damn grateful for how things were now. You just hoped it would last. 

___________________

So it turns out that dates cause a great amount of anxiety prior to them happening. Especially when you’ve never been on one before. You were supposed to go out with Wakatoshi in less than an hour, and you felt like you were gonna hurl. So much could go wrong. If you fucked up, he might not ever want to see you again. 

God, this sucked. Would it always feel like this? 

“Y/n, I can literally  _ see  _ you overthinking. Calm down.” 

You looked over at Tendou, who was lounging on your bed, and scoffed, “That’s easy for you to say. You aren’t about to go on your first date  _ ever _ .”

“You’re right. Because I’ve never been on a date.  _ But, _ ” He sat up, raising his arms above his head as he stretched, “I know that you don’t need to be stressed out like this. It’s just Wakatoshi. You’ve hung out with him tons of times.” 

“Yeah, but not on a date. We were just friends spending time together then.”

“Mm. Debatable. The two of you were head over heels for each other even then, despite the fact that neither of you could seem to catch on to that fact.” He commented, and you glared at him, “But regardless, no matter what context it’s in, you know him. He’s a good person, and he cares about you, and wants you to enjoy this. He wouldn’t put you in any situation that requires you to feel this anxious.” 

You heaved a deep sigh, running your hands over your pants. You felt Tendou’s eyes on you, watching your every move. 

“You’re right. I know you’re right. I’m just… scared. Scared that I’ll fuck up and he’ll hate me. Because, you know, one of my strongsuits is fucking things up.” You laughed, though it was more of a panicked, breathy sound. 

Tendou immediately frowned, getting to his feet and putting his hands on your shoulders. You looked up at him, swallowing nervously at the seriousness in his expression. 

“You don’t fuck things up, y/n. Not at all. You do the best you can in every situation you face, which is an amazing feat in and of itself. You’ve been through more than most people I know, and you somehow still pull through and end up with a smile on your face. It’s crazy.” He explained, “Don’t you dare think anything other than that you’re amazing.” 

You pursed your lips, trying to hold back the tears rising, and nodded. 

“Okay.” You said, voice sounding a little choked. 

He smiled and pressed a kiss to your forehead before pulling away, “Now. Stop panicking and get ready before Wakatoshi-kun shows up at your house and you’re still in sweats.” 

“Oh my God, don’t even say that. I would die of mortification.” 

Tendou laughed, sitting back on your bed, “Where is he taking you, anyways?” 

“That’s the thing!” You exclaimed, beginning to rifle through your drawers in search of an appropriate outfit, “I have no idea. He won’t tell me anything, so I’m completely in the dark. It’s my birthday all over again.” 

“Oh, he wants to surprise you. That’s so cute.” 

“Yeah, until we end up going somewhere super fancy and I’m in jeans.” 

The redhead laughed, shaking his head, “Wakatoshi doesn’t really like places like that, so I doubt that’ll happen. I promise that no matter what you wear, he’s going to think you’re beautiful. He talks about it all the time.” 

You felt your cheeks heat up, and turned to look at your friend, “He does?” 

“Mmhmm. It’s kinda crazy to see him so enamored with something that isn’t volleyball.” Tendou hummed. 

You turned away, trying to hide the steadily-worsening blush on your face. You slowly continued searching through clothes, “What… does he say?” 

“He likes your eyes a lot. He says that they’re a beautiful color, and that they shine when you smile. He says that it’s his goal to make you smile at least three times when he’s with you so that he can see them shine like that.” 

Your heart was pounding in your chest, but you stayed silent as Tendou continued.

“And your hands. Jesus, does he love your hands. He loves how nice they always feel, and likes the way your nails look when they’re painted.” He recounted, sounding a little like he was lost in thought, “He loves seeing how small they are compared to his, and really just loves them in general. He loves it when you touch him, whether it’s just to poke him or touch his cheek or hold his hand. He  _ really,  _ really loves it.

“Really, he likes everything about you. Inside and outside. Because he talks about your personality just as often as he does your looks. It’s like you as a person are just a combination of all the things he likes.” 

You were pretty sure any attempt to speak or move or  _ breathe  _ right now would result in you collapsing. How the fuck were you supposed to think straight knowing that Ushijima Wakatoshi loved your hands? After hearing that, you were seeing them in a totally different way. And your eyes. He loved the color of your eyes, and tried to make you smile just to see them shine. 

Fuck. You were completely, overwhelmingly in love with him. There was no other way to explain the feeling in your chest right now. 

“Y/n? Did you die?” 

You snapped out of your thoughts as Tendou called your name, and turned to face him. By the way his eyes widened when he looked at you, you were pretty sure your face showed just how in love you were. You really sucked at hiding your emotions. 

“Holy shit, you look like you just won a million yen. And that was just over the ‘I adore my girlfriend’ attractions. I’m pretty sure you’d die if I told you how attractive he found you in a sex-”

“Okay, that’s enough!” You exclaimed, cutting your friend off before he could continue. Your face was burning again, and Tendou shot you a shit-eating grin in response. You simply sent him a glare and went back to trying to find an outfit. Fortunately, he stayed silent after that. 

It was half an hour later when you finally settled on an outfit. It was simple, but also formal; a tan sweater paired with your favorite maroon scarf, black jeans, and black boots. Nothing too special, but it was a little nicer than what you usually wore. Tendou approved, so that gave you a little boost of confidence over your choice. If anything, it felt nice to dress up a bit. 

Just as you were finishing cleaning up all the clothes you’d laid out as options, you heard a knock at your front door. Immediately, the nauseating anxiety was back, and you tensed up. What if he didn’t like how you looked? Or what if you fucked up on the date and he didn’t want to do it again? What if you did something that made him realize he could have better and left? What if-

“Y/n, you’re overthinking again.” Tendou stated, and you looked at him. He smiled, expression kind, “Wakatoshi wants you, and wants to spend time with you. Remember the eyes and the hands.” 

You nodded, taking a shaky breath. He was right. Wakatoshi was a straightforward person. If he didn’t want to spend time with you, he wouldn’t. You were stressing yourself out over nothing. 

“Okay. Okay.” You said, trying to stabilize yourself. 

Tendou nodded, and the two of you made your way to the entry. He gave you a thumbs up and you rolled your eyes before opening the door. 

Wakatoshi stood there, as you knew he would be, hands shoved into his coat pockets. He looked down at you as you came into view, and gave a small smile. You felt your heart jolt, and you swallowed. You would literally never get used to seeing his smile, it was like an addiction. 

“Hi.” He greeted, nodding his head, “You look beautiful.”

“Hi. Thank you.” You responded, like an idiot. You were blushing again, of course. That’s all you did lately. You stared at him for a few seconds before coming to your senses, “Oh. Uh, sorry. I got lost in thought. You can come in.” 

You moved to the side, and he walked into the house with a quiet ‘thank you.’ His eyes fell on Tendou, and his expression shifted into confusion. He turned to look at you, a silent question in his eyes. 

“He was here to help me get ready.” You explained, and that just made Wakatoshi furrow his brows. 

“Help? Why did you need help? Was it your leg? Is everything alright?” He asked, and you couldn’t help but feel giddy. Your boyfriend, Ushijima Wakatoshi, was worried about you. It felt like you’d ascended to a celestial realm. 

“No, no. I’m okay.” You assured him, “It was more like… outfit picking. And moral support.” 

“Moral support?” 

“She was nervous.” Tendou commented, walking over and slapping a hand on Wakatoshi’s shoulder, “She thinks she’s gonna fuck up and you’re gonna hate her.” 

You felt your entire face heat up, a mix of anger and embarrassment, “Tendou! Shut up! I didn’t- That’s not-”

“You think I’d hate you?” Wakatoshi asked, and the disbelief and hurt in his voice made any anger you felt vanish. You grabbed his hand, squeezing it, and shook your head. 

“No, that’s not it! I promise. I know you wouldn’t hate me. It’s just- overthinking. I psych myself out. But I swear that I don’t think you’d hate me. It’s more like, just the possibility scares me. Even though I know it wouldn’t happen.” 

Wakatoshi seemed to relax at that, but there was still a hint of concern on his face, “I see. I’m sorry you have to feel like that.” 

“It’s alright.” You assured him, even if that wasn’t necessarily true, “I’m managing just fine. Don’t worry about it.” 

“Well, I think it’s time you two head out.” Tendou chimed in, putting his other hand on your shoulder, “Wouldn’t want to be late for your special night.” 

He pushed the two of you towards the door, and you stumbled from the forced movement. Wakatoshi was quick to grab your arm, though, and help you get steady again.

“Hold on! I need to get my coat!” You exclaimed, slipping out of Tendou’s hand. You hurried and grabbed your coat, pulling it on as fast as you could. 

The two of you did leave after that, but not before you smacked Tendou across the head for shoving you like that and telling Wakatoshi about your anxious thoughts. He just smiled apologetically, and then all three of you went on your way. Tendou back to his house, and you and Wakatoshi to your date. 

You’d been walking down the sidewalk for a couple minutes before you finally spoke, breaking the peaceful atmosphere you’d been in, “So, what’s the plan for tonight?” 

“You’ll see.” Was all he responded with, cryptic as ever. 

You huffed, pouting a little, and looked away, “I’m not gonna hold your hand anymore because you won’t tell me what we’re gonna do.” 

He sent you a confused look, and you felt your face heat up. After a moment, you averted your gaze and muttered, “Tendou told me you like my hands.” 

“Ah.” He responded, and you could swear the tips of his ears looked a little red. He looked back at the path ahead, but nodded, “I do like your hands.” 

“Really?” Even though you’d already known this, hearing it from him was a whole different thing. 

He nodded again, “Yes, really.” 

“Why, though? I mean…” You held your hands up in front of you, turning them so you could see the front and back. Your right hand was littered with scars from the accident, along with a big, nasty scar along your forearm where they’d done surgery to get out remaining shrapnel and fix the bones. Your left hand was pretty much normal, aside from little scars from volleyball and a few from the accident as well. They weren’t anything special. In fact, they were kind of… ugly. That’s the only word that came to your mind, “How can you like these? They’re all messed up.” 

Wakatoshi stopped in his tracks, turning to look at you. You stopped too, looking at him with a questioning expression. His face had gone serious, and he gently took your hands in his own. His fingers traced the scars you hated to look at, but his face didn’t hold the same disgust you felt. In fact, his eyes shone with adoration. 

“I think your hands are beautiful, y/n.” He said, voice soft, “They show what you’ve been through, what you’ve survived. They show me how strong you are. And they’re the hands of the person who loves me. Hands that touch me with nothing but fondness and devotion. Hands that belong to someone who fell for me, even the parts of me that made others run the other way. To me… these are the most perfect hands on this planet.”

He lifted your hands up to his face and pressed a gentle kiss on each palm. You swallowed, feeling like you might need to hold back tears. 

“Wakatoshi…” You whispered, simply because you didn’t know what else to say. 

“I hate that you think so badly of yourself. It pains me to know that where I see things to admire, you see things to hate.” He explained, dropping one of your hands and keeping the other in his grasp. He continued down the sidewalk, but resumed speaking, “But I will do everything in my power to change that. I will try my hardest to make you see yourself how I see you.” 

This time you really did have to hold back tears, “I really don’t know what I did to deserve you.” 

“All you did was be yourself. Which is more than enough for me.” 

After five more minutes of walking, a twenty minute train ride, and another few minutes of walking, you ended up in front of a very big, very fancy house. It was the nicest place you had ever seen. Three stories tall with big windows and beautiful hedges lining the pathway to the door. You were quite literally in awe.

“This place is beautiful. What is it?” You asked, staring up at it with wonder in your eyes. 

“My house.” Wakatoshi responded, and you felt like you’d been slapped. 

“What?!” You exclaimed, turning to look at him, “This is  _ your  _ house?” 

“Well, technically my father’s, but yes.” He said, “Why? Is that bad?” 

“No, no, I just- holy shit. This place is  _ so  _ nice. I had no idea your family was so… well-off. Kinda makes me self-conscious about my own house, honestly.” 

“I like your house, though. It’s quaint.” 

You snorted, shaking your head, “Yeah. Quaint. That’s a word for it.” Wakatoshi just watched you for a moment, and you looked at him, “Wait, what are we doing here?” 

“This is where our date’s going to be. I’m cooking you dinner.” 

For the second time since you’d been standing here, Wakatoshi gave you an overwhelming piece of information with no warning. At this rate, you were going to die from stress. Or shock. Or both. 

“I- you- we- uh. Holy shit.” You stuttered out, showing off just how intelligent you were. God, you were so brainless sometimes. 

“Are you okay with that? If not, we can do something else. I won’t be offended.” 

“No, that’s okay. I want to do that. The dinner thing. That sounds great. I just- wow.” You let out a breathy laugh, “You’re gonna make me dinner. That’s like. So nice. And kinda hot, actually.” 

_ If you ever speak again, I will personally kick your ass,  _ you thought to yourself. Your cheeks glowed red with embarrassment, but you forced yourself to maintain eye contact with Wakatoshi. 

“Hot?” He asked, and a smile curved at his lips as his face took on a smug look, “You think I’m hot?” 

Asshole. Stupid fucking Wakatoshi with his literal perfect specimen asking you if you thought he was hot with a smirk on his face. The audacity. If you could, you’d take him to court over this for emotional manipulation. 

You groaned, covering your face with your hands. “Of course I do.” You responded, though it was muffled, “I’ve thought you were hot since before we were even friends.” 

“Oh, really?” He asked, and you nodded. You hadn’t heard him move, but suddenly he was next to you, his breath fanning over your ear as he whispered, “I’m very glad to hear that, y/n.” 

Your entire body shuddered, and you pressed your face harder into your palms. 

Nope. Absolutely not. This was too much. He couldn’t just come whisper in your ear like that, saying he’s glad that you think he’s hot. It should be considered a crime. You certainly felt like a crime was taking place right now. God, you missed when he was quiet and unexpressive. 

But not really. Because this whole thing was extremely sexy, and you’d be thinking about it a lot later. 

“Fuck you.” You muttered. 

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” 

You gasped, hands flying away from your face to give him a bewildered look. Or, you tried to. But as soon as your hands were down, Wakatoshi was giving you a gentle, sweet kiss. You could feel him smiling against you, and you pretended that didn’t make butterflies flutter in your stomach. You returned the kiss, though, one of your hands coming up to curl around the back of his neck. 

He pulled away slowly, giving you an apologetic smile, “I’m sorry for teasing you. You’re just very cute when you’re flustered.” 

You blinked, clearing your throat, “Well, if that’s how you apologize every time, I might learn to be okay with it.” 

He chuckled, and the two of you made your way inside. 

As you suspected, the house was just as nice on the inside as it was on the outside. There was a large living room on your left, and a dining room on your right. Up ahead was the kitchen, a staircase tucked between the kitchen and the dining room, and an open space that looked like an extension of the living room. Everything was meticulously decorated, all within a certain color scheme. It was gorgeous. 

Wakatoshi shrugged off his coat, and you felt yourself go stiff. 

You’d seen him in his school uniform, in his volleyball uniform, and in casual clothes. He looked good in all of them, of course, but  _ this?  _ What he was wearing right now? Holy shit. Somehow, he was even more attractive, which is something you’d thought was impossible. 

He wore a light blue dress shirt, every button done except for the top one. His shoulders and biceps were tight against the fabric, which was a  _ very  _ nice sight.  _ What you’d do to be crushed by those arms. _

The shirt was tucked into a pair of brown dress pants, clinging to his legs in all the right places. The outfit was topped off with dress shoes and a belt, though you tried not to let your eyes linger on the latter. He was giving off ‘sexy mysterious professor’ vibes, and you were liking that very much. 

He looked over at you, raising an eyebrow, “Are you alright?” 

“I like your outfit.” Was all you could get out before you turned away, swallowing nervously.

“Oh. Thank you.” He paused before speaking again, “Why won’t you look at me?” 

“Because you’re fucking hot! And I can’t look at you for more than three seconds without getting all… flustered.” 

He chuckled, grabbing your hand and turning you to face him. You scrunched up your face but forced yourself to look at him. He just gave you an adoring look, touching your cheek, “I’m your boyfriend. You have to look at me sometimes.” 

“Ugh. Then stop being so attractive so I can get my ability to think coherent thoughts back.” You complained, hanging your head. 

“I have no control over my appearance. This is due to the genetics of my parents, which I can’t change.” 

“Yeah, I know. And I wouldn’t want you to change, anyways.” You lightly knocked your forehead against his chest, “I like you the way you are.” 

“I should hope so.” He stroked your hair, his other hand wrapped around you to keep you close, “I like you the way you are, too.” 

“Mm. Simp.” 

“I don’t know what that means.” 

“It’s probably better that way.” You sighed, pulling away, “Anyways, let’s continue with our date.” 

“Yes, good idea.” He nodded, and the two of you put your coats away before making your way to the kitchen. You caught a glimpse of a large bookshelf and a piano in that open space by the living room, and your interest was piqued. 

“Does your Dad play piano?”

“No.” 

You furrowed your brows. You knew his parents were divorced, so his mother didn’t live here. And he didn’t have any siblings. So why the hell was there a piano there? 

“Then who-”

“I play piano.” He replied nonchalantly, opening the fridge and searching for ingredients. 

Your mouth fell open, and you stared at him, wide-eyed. Wakatoshi played piano? Since when? How the hell did you not know about this? God, if you’d known he could play piano, that would’ve been great material for your daydreams about him. Which you would never, ever admit to actually having. 

“What the fuck? You play piano?” 

“Yes.” He nodded, setting stuff out on the kitchen island, “I have since I was little.” 

“How come you never told me?” You asked, resting your chin in your palm. 

“I didn’t think it was that important. It’s just a hobby. I don’t get to play very often since I live on-campus most of the time.” He paused for a moment, as if he were thinking, “But I do like playing.” 

“Can you show me?” You requested, “When we have some free time, will you play for me?” 

Wakatoshi looked at you, “Do you want me to?” 

“Absolutely, I do.” 

His lips twitched into a smile at that, and he nodded, “I’d love to play for you.” 

You grinned at him, and he continued preparing dinner. You watched him work, a little mesmerized by the way he moved. Everything about him was just so incredible. He himself was incredible, more than anyone else you’d ever met. And here he was, making dinner for you, his girlfriend. 

This night was already looking like it’d be one of the best in your lifetime. And you didn’t feel anything but excitement for what was to come. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here it is! a day late, but that's better than not at all, right? anyways, i hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. i spent a lot of time writing it. i also was originally planning on having the whole date in this chapter, but it was getting long so i decided to split it up. which means you get more date fluff next chapter!
> 
> that also means that a certain... event i have planned for this fic is now one chapter farther away than it used to be. remember that, and be thankful.
> 
> thank you so much for reading! it really means a lot to me. i know i say that every time, but it does. nothing makes me happier than seeing people enjoy my writing. so thank you for making me happy. i'll see you next week for the next chapter! have a good day :)


	17. seventeen

Despite your protests, Wakatoshi didn’t let you do a single thing to help with dinner. He reminded you that the whole point of this was for him to make you dinner, so letting you help would render his effort fruitless. You weren’t happy about it, but you agreed to not helping, and instead chose to keep him entertained while he cooked. Knowing you, that meant you spouted all the gibberish your brain kept in your memory. 

And when you said gibberish, you  _ meant _ gibberish. 

“So, basically, I think the best superpower you could have is the ability to stop time. I mean, think about it. If you can stop time, you can sleep as long as you want. You can have as much time to work on assignments despite how close it is to the deadline.  _ And _ , you could really just do whatever you wanted without getting caught. You could freeze time and steal a bunch of things from the store and no one would know. Or you could, like, take someone you didn’t like and pour ice water on them. There’s just so many possibilities.” 

Wakatoshi looked up at you from where he was chopping up vegetables, furrowing his brows, “You say superpower, as in superhero. Which is the good guy. But the things you just listed are things that the villain would do.” 

You laughed, nodding, “Yeah. I’m a terrible person.” 

“I don’t think you’re terrible.” He responded, looking back down at his task, “But I am slightly worried about your morality now.” 

“Well, it’s not like I’d be out there killing people and being evil. I’d just… take stuff sometimes. Don’t tell me you’ve never wanted to do that before.” 

“I’ve wanted things, yes. But I’ve never thought to just take them. If I want something, I just buy it.” 

“Right.” You nodded, gesturing to the house around you for emphasis, “I forgot you were rich.” 

“Not rich, exactly. It’s how you said earlier. I’m just well-off.” 

“Hm.” Was all you said in response, and then silence overtook you as he continued working and you continued watching him. 

His hands were steady and quick, moving the vegetables into place, chopping them, and placing the chopped pieces to the side so they could be used later. The sleeves of his shirt, which you’d quickly decided was your favorite shirt of his, were rolled up to the elbows so they didn’t get dirty. And, boy, was that an experience. 

Watching Ushijima Wakatoshi make you dinner with his sleeves rolled up and strands of hair falling into his face was an out of this world sight. 

Your phone buzzed in your pocket, breaking you away from appreciating your boyfriend, and you pulled it out to glance at the screen. 

Of course, the notification was from a certain blonde haired therapy buddy who was too clingy for his own good. You read through the messages, unable to hold in your laughter as you saw him do one of his familiar ‘you’re not answering, I better prepare for your funeral’ spirals. Though they were common, and mostly joking, every time you saw it happen you were touched by how much he liked talking to you. You’d never get used to how many people cared deeply about you. 

“What’s so funny?” 

You looked up at Wakatoshi, a smile still on your face, and shook your head, “It’s just Atsumu. He immediately resorts to the possibility that I’m dead whenever I don’t answer for a long time.” 

At the mention of your friend, his expression darkened, and he turned his gaze back to the vegetables, “Atsumu? How often do the two of you talk?” 

You looked over at him, the smile fading from your face. You were aware that Wakatoshi wasn’t fond of Atsumu, or your friendship with him, but it seemed like there was more to it than that. From what you could tell, it looked like he was jealous. Or at least worried that Atsumu was more than a friend. While you were glad to see he cared so much, it hurt your heart to know he felt like that. 

“Hey…” You said softly, reaching over and placing a hand on his arm. He looked up at you, and the turmoil he felt was clear in his eyes. You gave him a sweet smile, lightly squeezing his arm, “Atsumu is not my boyfriend. He’s not the person I want to be with. He’s not the person I’m madly in love with. That’s you. You own that title for as long as you want it. Atsumu doesn’t even have a chance to take it.” 

Wakatoshi stayed still for a moment, before relaxing and nodding, a small smile tugging at his lips, “I know that. I can’t help but worry, though.” 

“I understand that,” You responded, “It’s human. But make sure to remind yourself of the difference between him and you. He can flirt all he wants with me, and I still won’t give him a chance. But you, you got me. You’re the boyfriend, he’s the friend. That’s how it’ll stay.” 

Wakatoshi smiled fully this time, and pulled his arm away from you only to grab your hand a second later. His thumb brushed over the skin of your hand, a comforting gesture that relaxed you in a matter of seconds. He had to be magic or something, there was no way this guy was just an ordinary human.

“Thank you for reassuring me, y/n. I’m sorry to have to make you do that.” 

“No, it’s okay. I get it. I’ll reassure you as much as you need me to.” You told him, smiling, “Your feelings matter to me so much, and I’ll always try my hardest to make you feel better.” 

“Don’t forget to take care of yourself, too. It won’t do either of us any good if you neglect your own well-being.” 

“You’re right. I’ll try my best, I promise.” 

“Good.” He gave your hand a gentle squeeze before letting go, returning to the task of cutting vegetables. 

You tucked your phone back into your pocket and continued watching him work. You could respond to Atsumu later. 

The food Wakatoshi made ended up needing some time to cook, which meant the two of you had time to kill. Of course, you knew how you wanted to spend that time. 

Watching Wakatoshi play piano. 

He led you over to the instrument, sitting down and scooting over so you could take the place next to him. You took the spot eagerly, more excited than you could say. You’d always loved the piano, and the beautiful sounds that could be created with it. So finding out that your boyfriend, another thing you loved, could play it was like a blessing from the gods. You’d really, really lucked out with this whole thing. 

“What do you want me to play?” He asked, hands clasped in his lap. His sleeves were still rolled up, and you got distracted by that for a moment before realizing he’d been speaking to you. 

“Oh. Uh- I don’t know.” You pursed your lips, thinking. You didn’t know what he could play, and you probably didn’t even know half the stuff he  _ did  _ play. Trying to pick a piece he could play that you both liked seemed like a too-difficult feat. Finally, you came to a conclusion and looked at him, “Do your favorite song to play on the piano.”

“My favorite song?” He asked, and you nodded in confirmation. 

He furrowed his brows in thought for a moment before seeming to come to a conclusion, and nodded. His hands found their way to the keys, and he placed them in their correct positions. He paused, taking a breath, and then began to play. 

It was breathtaking. You felt like all the weight of your burdens had been lifted, and you were free. You’d never experienced anything like that before. 

Wakatoshi was completely focused, eyes dazed as his hands moved along the piano. His fingers danced from key to key, mesmerizing in the way the movements were so smooth and confident. He knew what he was doing, so much so that you wouldn’t be surprised if he could do it with his eyes closed. His head lolled with the music, as if the melody was physically moving his body, and his lips were just barely hinting at a smile. 

But the music itself was something to behold. It was a gorgeous song, one light and full of hope. It made you think of sunny meadows and laughter, tender hugs and sunsets. You could easily see why this was Wakatoshi’s favorite. It was probably the prettiest thing you’d ever heard. You’d listen to it on repeat for days if you could. 

The song was over before you knew it, but you felt like you’d been immortalized in the moment. You stayed silent for a long time after he’d finished playing, attempting to find words that could convey how you felt. There weren’t any that you could think of. No phrase that could do that song justice. 

“Are you alright?” Wakatoshi asked, and you looked up at him. You didn’t realize there were tears in your eyes until his face was blurred when you looked at him, and you were quick to blink them away. You laughed a little, nodding. 

“I’m fine. That was just… wow. I’ve never heard anything so beautiful.” You explained, “What is it?” 

“It’s a lullaby my father used to sing to me when I was little.” He explained, “His father sang it to him, whose father sang it to him, and so on. It was the first thing I learned to play when I started practicing piano.” 

“Oh, that’s amazing. I love that.” You smiled, “I wish I could play the piano.” 

“Would you like me to teach you?” He asked. Honestly, you should’ve expected that. He seemed to like fulfilling your wishes. You couldn’t say that you hated that part of him. 

“Oh, wow, that’s- uh. That’s really generous, but I won’t make you do that. My hands are all messed up, and I’m probably too old anyways. It’s always easier to learn things when you’re young.” You explained, looking down at the piano. You brushed your fingers over the keys, just light enough that it didn’t make noise, “I’ll just stick to listening.” 

“Just one song, then.” He responded, and you gave him a questioning look. 

Instead of answering, he wrapped his arms around you and grabbed your hands, moving them to different spots on the piano. You sucked in a breath, acutely aware of how little space there was between the two of you, and you were momentarily taken back by how  _ good  _ he smelled. Whatever cologne that was, you praised the heavens for making it exist. 

“It’s quite easy, actually. You should be able to pick it up quickly.” Wakatoshi explained, “And once you learn it, it’ll be mostly muscle memory when you play it. Your hands will just know what to do.” 

“I don’t know if that’s how it’ll actually go.” You laughed a little, “I’m not too quick of a learner.” 

“You can do it. I have no doubt about that.” He said, and you felt your face heat up. He seemed not to notice, though, and instead turned his attention to the piano, “Now. We’ll break it into sections so it’s simpler. Once you learn a section, we’ll move on to the next. And once you learn that one, you’ll play both of the ones you learned in order. Then you’ll learn the third, and play all three, and so on.” 

“Okay. That doesn’t sound too hard.” You responded, even as your heart hammered with anxiety. 

“Exactly. Are you ready?” 

When you nodded, he began showing you how to play the first part of the lullaby, moving your fingers as he did. It felt very personal, this situation. The two of you sitting together, him with his arms wrapped around you as he taught you to do something he enjoyed. The whole thing was every bit as lovely as you’d imagined a date with Wakatoshi would be, and you were so glad that you could say your expectations had been met. Exceeded, actually. And the night had just begun. 

You’d gotten down about half of the whole piece when the timer for dinner went off. Both of you looked up towards the kitchen, seemingly snapped out of the bubble you’d put yourself in. Wakatoshi sighed, pulling his arms away as he looked at you. You immediately missed his warmth, but forced yourself not to shiver. 

“We should probably eat, now that the food’s done. I can continue teaching you after, if you’d like.” He offered. 

“No, that’s okay.” You smiled, “We’ll save the other half of it for a different date.” 

He seemed to light up at that, and nodded in agreement before standing up and offering you his hand. You took it without hesitation, and he helped you to your feet and led you to the kitchen. The smell of the food filled the entire room, and your mouth started watering as soon as you entered. God, you really were hungry. You hadn’t eaten anything earlier that day, too anxious to force yourself to eat something. 

Wakatoshi let go of your hand as he went to get the food sorted, and you took your usual seat to watch him. He was quick in his work, like always. It was less than five minutes later when he had two plates full of your dinner, the rest of the food already cleaned up. The kitchen was just as clean as it’d been when you got here, and you were more than a little amazed at that. 

“Should we move to the table?” Wakatoshi asked, and you nodded. 

The two of you relocated there, sitting across from each other on one side of the large dining table. Why it was so big, you had no idea. Maybe it was a rich person thing. 

Wakatoshi set your food in front of you before taking his own seat, as well as giving you a drink and utensils. You watched as he got settled, hands rested in your lap. Finally, he looked up at you, and you smiled before the two of you dug in. 

As soon as the food touched your tongue, you nearly passed out. It was delicious. Absolutely heavenly. The kind of food people dream about. A once-in-a-lifetime type meal. 

Of course it was. Of course Wakatoshi was an amazing cook, and piano player, and volleyball player. And just as a person in general. It really was too much for you to handle sometimes. You had no idea how you’d ever tricked him into actually liking you. 

“This is delicious.” You commented, going in for another bite. 

Wakatoshi looked up at you, swallowing his food before responding, “Thank you. I’m glad you like it. It’d be a terrible date if you didn’t.” 

You laughed, “Even if I didn’t like the food, I would’ve thought it was a great date.” 

“Really?” He asked, and the genuine surprise in his voice made you soften a little. 

“Of course.” You said, without a second of hesitation, “It’s not the date that matters to me, but the person I’m spending my time with. As long as that’s you, I’ll enjoy myself.” 

He smiled, clearly pleased with your reply, “I’ll enjoy myself with you, too.” 

“I’m very happy to hear that.” You chuckled, going back to your food. He did the same, and the two of you continued the meal with idle chit chat or comfortable silence. It felt nice, and honestly, really domestic. You found that you were not upset about that one bit. 

Wakatoshi didn’t let you wash your dishes after, despite your protests. He insisted that it was still part of ‘him making you dinner’ and therefore, you should have no part in it. You weren’t too happy with that, but since you had no say in the matter, you just let him do it. You took your usual seat as you waited for him to finish up, a pout on your lips. Which was immature of you, but hey, who was gonna stop you?

“Alright. I’m done.” Wakatoshi said, wiping his hands off on a dry dish towel before putting it in its rightful place. His sleeves were  _ still  _ rolled up, and you found yourself looking at his arms much more often than you should have. Honestly, though, who could blame you? It was an amazing sight to behold. 

“Great. What are we going to do now?”

“I’m not sure.” He frowned, placing his hands on the counter and resting his weight on him, “I thought I’d leave that up to you, so I make sure you’re able to enjoy yourself.”

“Oh.” You laughed, cheeks going a little pink, “That’s really nice. Uh. Let me think.” 

You wracked your brain for ideas, trying to come up with something that both of you could enjoy. A lot of things popped up as you brainstormed, but you shot almost all of them down immediately. He’d already blown your mind so far on this date, you needed to do something of the same caliber. Little things like board games or watching a movie wouldn’t be good enough. You had to think big. 

Finally, after a minute of two, you settled on something. You looked up at him, face expectant, “Are you okay with going out again?” 

He raised an eyebrow but nodded, clearly wary of whatever you were thinking about, “Yes. Why? What are you thinking?” 

“It’s a surprise.” You grinned, copying his own actions from when he wouldn’t tell you where you were going. His eyes widened as he realized that, though a resigned look quickly replaced it, a smile stretching over his lips. 

“Alright. That’s fair.” He commented, “Let’s go, then.” 

You couldn’t help but smile, and the two of you hurried to get your coats and shoes back on. Unfortunately, that meant that Wakatoshi’s sleeves were pulled back down and his shirt was hidden under the thick coat. A travesty, really, but it was probably better in the long run. You doubted you’d be able to focus on the activity you had planned if he was walking around like that. It was hard enough to focus just at seeing his face, his whole body was way too much. 

“Are you ready?” Your boyfriend asked, already standing with his coat zipped up and his shoes back on. 

You nodded, pulling your coat on the rest of the way and zipping it up, “Yep. Let’s go.” 

He agreed and opened the door, and the two of you walked back out into the cold night. 

It was a bit of a walk to where you wanted to go, but nothing too bad. Seven minutes at least, ten minutes at most. You’d walked farther on your usual after-school walks. Though, your ankle was starting to ache a bit. It didn’t seem like it was too bad, so you ignored it. You’d put ice on it later. 

“So, what are your plans for after you graduate?” You asked, trying to strike up a conversation before the silence swallowed you whole. 

Wakatoshi looked thoughtful for a moment, considering your question. Finally, he turned to you and said, “I’m not sure, exactly. I know I want to play volleyball. But there’s a few different options for how to go about that. At least for immediately after graduating.” 

You nodded, not at all surprised by his answer. You’d never met someone as passionate for volleyball as Wakatoshi, except maybe Oikawa, so the thought of him playing it professionally wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. You’d already imagined him doing that in the future, anyways. He was extremely talented, too, so you also weren’t surprised that he had more than one option. Honestly, a little part of you felt jealous, but you tried not to dwell on that. 

“That makes sense. I’m sure you’ll do great, regardless of what option you go with. I’ll be cheering you on all the way.” You told him, nudging his arm. 

“Thank you.” He responded, smiling. He paused before continuing, “What about you? What will you do?”

You blinked, a little shaken by his question. It wasn’t something you thought about, or liked to think about, really. You’d had a clear picture of what you wanted your future to be, but that was down the drain now. When you thought about the future at this point in your life, you saw nothing but a blank slate. You didn’t have a single clue what you wanted to do with your life. It stressed you out more than anything else, hence you trying your best not to think about it. But here you were, being forced to do exactly that.

“Well, I’ve still got some time before all that becomes relevant.” You began, shrugging, “I used to hope that I’d get to play volleyball professionally, like you hope to do. But… I can’t really do that now. And, as bad as it is, that was my only plan for the future. Now, I’m just clueless. Hopefully I’ll figure it out before I graduate, though.” 

“I’m sure you will, y/n. You have many talents, and a lot of potential.” Wakatoshi responded, “I’m sorry that your original plan can’t happen now, but that doesn’t mean there’s nothing else for you. You have a whole world that’s open to you. Don’t get caught up in one singular thing and keep yourself from growing.” 

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” You muttered, looking down at the sidewalk as you continued walking, “I just- I don’t know. Volleyball was my thing. It was a part of me. Honestly, I felt like I was… made to play volleyball. Like it was my purpose.” 

“Find something else.” 

You looked up at him, confused, “Huh?”

“Find something else that you were made to do. No person has just one thing that they’re supposed to do. There’s always a multitude of options. Don’t forget that. If you stay in your current mindset, you’ll never get anywhere. You’ll stay living in the past, stressing over things you can’t change.”

You lowered your eyes, processing his words. 

He was, of course, completely right. Your boyfriend was like a walking storage full of logical solutions and great advice. Hell, he could probably solve the World’s biggest problems if he thought hard enough for a minute. You certainly felt like all of the wrongs in your life could be righted just by his words. It was like a damn superpower or something. 

“Yeah, you’re right.” You murmured, nodding, “I’ll take that into consideration. Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome.” 

A few minutes later, you’d arrived at your destination. 

The park you took your daily walks at had been decorated for Christmas. All the trees were wrapped in twinkling multicolored lights, painting the entire place with a warm, colorful hue. You’d only been here during the day, so you hadn’t had the chance to see the lights like this yet, but you knew that it would be amazing. The entire atmosphere had shifted, and you felt a warm feeling in your chest just from being there. Sure, it might be cliche to go look at Christmas lights as a date activity, but you felt like you were allowed. After the past six months you had to experience, you deserved a little cliche happiness. 

“The park?” Wakatoshi asked, looking around at his surroundings. 

“Mmhmm. I thought it might be nice to just walk around and look at the lights. We can even get hot chocolate from the cafe across the street.” You explained, turning to face him, “Is that okay?” 

“Yes, that’s fine.” He assured you, meeting your eyes, “It sounds like fun.” 

“Great!” You exclaimed, grinning. Really, this whole night had been like an overload of serotonin, and you couldn’t even complain, “Let’s go, then. I was thinking we’d-”

You took a step, ready to continue your night, only for the words to die on your tongue as your ankle rolled, accompanied by a sickening pop. You gasped, immediately losing your balance and falling towards the cold, hard ground. Wakatoshi was quick, though, and your body was greeted by his arms instead of the concrete. You looked up at him, vision blurring, and could just barely make out his worried expression. Your entire right leg felt like it was on fire, extreme pain throbbing all the way through it.

“Y/n? Are you alright?” 

“Motherfucker. I knew I should’ve brought my crutches.” You muttered, before everything went black. 

___________________

When you came to again, it was to the sound of yelling. It didn’t take long for you to realize whose voice it was. 

“-kidding me? You’re so goddamn stupid, y/n. They literally gave her rules on how to keep shit like this from happening! And what did she do? She ignored them!” Kenma yelled, and you were very tempted to just keep pretending to sleep so you wouldn’t have to deal with him right now, “Does she have a death wish or something? God, I really think she does sometimes. There’s no other reason she could be this careless all the time.” 

“Kenma, I’m sure she didn’t mean for this to happen. It’s okay.” That sounded like Hinata.

“Whether she meant for it to happen or not, I’m still going to kick her ass.” Your brother huffed, but it seemed like he was calming down. 

Hesitantly, you let your eyes flutter open, taking in your surroundings. To your horror, you were met with the familiar sight of a hospital room. It wasn’t the same room you’d been in before, but the similarities were enough to make you feel a little nauseous. Kenma was sitting in a chair next to your bed, Hinata sitting next to him with a comforting hand on his shoulder. On the other side of the room, Wakatoshi sat in his own chair, spine completely straight and hands resting on his knees. His face had the telltale signs of worry all over it. 

You looked back over at your brother, who had yet to notice you were awake, and finally spoke, “I don’t have a deathwish, Kenma. I’m just dumb.” 

He looked up from where he was sitting, and you saw relief flash over his face before it was quickly replaced with anger, “Yes, you are! What the fuck were you thinking, using your leg so much without crutches? You knew the rules! Why couldn’t you just listen?”

You flinched at how loud he sounded and how hard his voice was, but nodded, sighing, “I know. I’m sorry. I should’ve listened. I just- I wanted to feel normal. It was the one thing I could do that made me feel… okay.” 

Your twin went silent, his expression shifting from anger to sadness, and he looked away. Hinata rubbed his back, sending a comforting smile at him. You tried to pretend you didn’t feel jealous about him getting comfort over something that  _ you _ were struggling with. 

“I understand you want to feel normal, y/n. I’m sorry that you’re in this situation. But…” He looked up, eyes fierce and determined, “If you don’t take care of yourself, there won’t be a life for you to try to feel normal about.”

You swallowed, nodding. You tried to think of something to say, but no words came to mind. So instead, you stayed silent. Everyone else in the room seemed to be doing the same. You scanned everyone once again, taking in their appearances. 

Kenma was looking down at his lap, face hidden behind his hair. Hinata, bright as ever, was whispering something to him and smiling. Obviously, he was trying to lift your brother’s spirits. Finally, your eyes shifted to your boyfriend. He was still in the exact same position, sitting ramrod straight. The only difference was that now he was looking at you, instead of down at his lap. But when your eyes met, he was quick to avert his gaze, instead looking out the window on the other side of the room. 

Something cold and heavy coiled itself around your heart, squeezing it until it felt hard to breathe. He couldn’t even look at you. Your boyfriend couldn’t meet your eyes. It was your fault, you knew it. Shit like this was always your fault. You’d learned that life lesson a long time ago. 

They discharged you that same day, considering the injury was small and not too serious. Your bones had just been weak and you’d overused your leg, which resulted in you rolling your ankle and spraining it. And you’d passed out due to pain and exhaustion, which Kenma was not happy about. You were given explicit instructions to stay off your foot for the next few days, and to  _ only _ use crutches when you were able to walk on it again. Which meant no more normal walking for you. Your physical therapy was also put on hold until you were better, since this whole thing only happened because you’d been using your leg too much. 

Wakatoshi walked you home, along with Kenma and Hinata, but he was silent the whole way. You didn’t say anything to him; he made it clear that he didn’t want to talk right now. It was late by the time you got home, and your brother and his friend didn’t waste any time going inside. You hesitated, shuffling in place, so many unsaid things weighing on you. You didn’t want him to leave, especially with this tension between the two of you. If he was done with you, you’d rather he just told you now instead of dragging you along. 

You sighed, deciding to break the silence first, “I’m sor-”

“Don’t ever do that again.” 

You paused, turning to look at him, “What?” 

He was looking at you now, a sort of desperation in his eyes that you’d never seen before. He swallowed before stepping closer and continuing, “Don’t do that again. Don’t overwork yourself. I don’t ever want to see you collapse like that again.” 

You blinked, a little breathless, “Wakatoshi…” 

“Please, y/n. Take care of yourself.” He sounded more emotional than you’d ever heard him, and you felt choked up when he grabbed your hands as if he was scared they’d disappear, “I was terrified, when you fell unconscious in my arms. I don’t want to feel that way again.” 

“You…” You hesitated before letting out a weak laugh, though it was choked from the lump in your throat. You lowered your eyes, “You wouldn’t look at me, or talk to me. I thought you’d decided you didn’t want me.” 

“Y/n.” He said, and when you didn’t look up, he gently cupped your cheek and tilted your face up. You met his eyes, though you were pretty sure you looked like a mess right now, “I already told you. I’ve never wanted anything the way I want you. I couldn’t look at you because I hated seeing you in a hospital bed again, and I didn’t say anything because your brother is upset at me over what happened. As misguided as that may be, I didn’t want to make it worse by bringing attention to myself.” 

You sniffed, letting his words wash over you, before pressing your head against his chest, “You asshole. I love you.”

“I know.” He rested a hand on the back of your hand, holding you close, “Please take better care of yourself. If not for yourself, then for the people who care about you.” 

“I’ll try. I’m sorry.” You murmured, voice muffled from the fabric of his coat, “And I’m sorry for ruining our date night.” 

“It’s alright. We’ll have another one. I just want you to be safe.” 

“I’ll do my best.” You pulled away, looking up at him, “You sure you still want me?” 

“I’m just as sure as I’ve been this whole time. If anything, this incident made me even more sure.” He explained, “I care about you, more than I do for most others.”

You smiled, “And I care about you. Which is why I’ll try harder to not overwork myself.” 

“Thank you.” He sighed, “That means a lot to me.” 

“Of course, Wakatoshi. It’s the least I could do.” 

He let out a pleasant hum before pulling away and letting his hands fall to his sides, “I should start heading home, now. It’s late.” 

You were hit with an unpleasant feeling at the thought of Wakatoshi going home, and you had to force yourself not to show the disappointment on your face. After your date night being ruined, you didn’t want him to have to go home without ending it on a good note. Especially after losing time you could’ve spent together if you’d just been more cautious. You tried to come up with something, an excuse to make him stay longer. Maybe it’d work, and you’d get to spend more of your day with him. Honestly, nothing sounded better than that right now. 

Then, a stupid, impulsive, probably bad in the grand scheme of things, idea came to your mind. And for some reason, you didn’t stop yourself from saying it.

“Actually,” You began, and Wakatoshi met your gaze with curious eyes, “What if you just spent the night here?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's chapter seventeen! sorry it's out a couple days late, i was busy reading the aot manga all weekend lmao. and now i'm depressed so i got that going for me. but ANYWAYS, i hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. it's not my best work, i know, but i promise it'll get better. just hang in there. 
> 
> and for the timeskip i talked about, it'll either be in the next chapter or the one after. most likely the one after, but that could be subject to change. i just wanted to let you guys know so it doesn't come out of nowhere. so i'll see you guys next chapter, and as always, thank you for reading! i hope you have a good day :)


	18. eighteen

"What if you just spent the night here?"

Even though the words had come from your own mouth, you were shocked to hear them. They were too bold for you to believe they'd actually come from you, and yet you knew for a fact that that had been your voice. What the fuck? Why did you think you could just say shit like that?

Wakatoshi looked almost frozen in place, gaze far away. Honestly, he was probably trying to figure out how to run away and get out of this situation. You didn't blame him. But, as much as you were embarrassed over just saying that, you really did want him to stay over. You were pretty sure if you were left alone now, you'd fall into a depression coma.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea." Wakatoshi finally said, and you were not the least bit surprised, "Something could happen."

"It won't." You responded immediately, even if you subconsciously would have liked something to happen. But that was your horny brain going bonkers, and she needed to be ignored, "I promise, I'll make sure nothing happens. I just want more time with you."

He pursed his lips, looking torn, "I don't have any clo-"

"You can wear something of my Dad's." You interrupted, "You guys are about the same build, so it'll be fine. Plus, it's all clean. And we have extra toothbrushes and stuff like that."

Wakatoshi sighed. He was obviously trying to come up with another reason as to why he couldn't stay, but you were prepared to refute anything he said. Something you were really good at was convincing people that an idea you had was a good one, even if it really wasn't. You were just really good at debating. You were glad that was coming in handy now.

"Please." You murmured, voice soft, "I won't try anything. I just don't want to be alone."

Something in his expression broke, and he let out a breath before nodding, "Alright, fine. I'll stay."

A grin broke out across your face and you threw yourself at him, wrapping your arms around his neck. He stumbled back a bit, but quickly regained his balance and held you tightly. You used your good foot to push yourself up, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. Wakatoshi returned it, gently squeezing your waist. You pulled away a moment later, still grinning.

"Thank you. It really means a lot to me."

"You're welcome." He responded, "I just want you to feel better."

"I definitely will now." You laughed, "Should we go inside?"

He nodded, and you made your way inside, your boyfriend in tow. Kenma and Hinata were in the living room, playing a game, and they both looked over when you entered. Your brother narrowed his eyes as he saw Wakatoshi, and then sent a questioning glance your way. You responded with a pleading expression, and then a glance at Hinata, pointing out that both of you were letting your love interests stay. He couldn't be a hypocrite and make Wakatoshi leave if he was letting Hinata stay over, even if they weren't together. Yet.

Your brother surrendered after that, huffing and turning back to his game. You continued on with your journey, a feeling of success coursing through you.

Once you arrived at your room, you let Wakatoshi sit on your bed and told him you were going to get the clothes he'd sleep in. He had no choice but to agree, despite not wanting you to be moving around so much. You were quick to retrieve what you needed, and you were back in your room in no time.

"Okay. I got everything." You announced, handing him the stuff before setting your crutches to the side and sitting next to him.

"Thank you." He set the stuff down on his lap, turning to look at you.

You met his gaze, a nervous smile twitching at your lips, "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Are you alright?" He asked instead of answering you.

You blinked, a little taken aback, "Huh?"

"There's something off about you. You're not like you usually are." Wakatoshi explained, brows furrowing, "You seem tired, and I mean more than just physically."

You swallowed, forcing yourself to not look away. That'd be pretty much admitting to what he was saying. Damn, how was he even able to pick up on shit like that? You thought you were better at pushing through. Better at making sure no one worried about you.

Apparently, that was wrong.

Wakatoshi was right. You were exhausted, in every way that a person could be. Your body was like dead weight you had to pull along, but your brain didn't have the energy to pull it. Your emotions were either too much or too little, and you went from numb to hysterical and back like a fucking tennis ball. Most days, you had a hard time getting out of bed.

"I'm fine." You assured him, "I just haven't slept well in awhile, and this whole ankle thing today is stressing me out."

"I'm not just talking about today. You've been like this for weeks."

You didn't have a response for that. He'd noticed it for that long? He'd never said anything. You had no idea. But then again, your boyfriend wasn't much of a talker. What he was, though, was observant. You shouldn't be surprised that he'd realized what your emotional state was like.

"I thought you were going to therapy to help with this." He said when you stayed silent.

"I... I was. I am! I do go to therapy. I just- I don't know. I don't listen to what she says. It seems like too much work." You murmured, finally letting your gaze fall down to your lap.

You were ashamed. Ashamed that you felt like this, ashamed that it was so easily visible to others. Ashamed that Wakatoshi of all people was scolding you about how you dealt with emotions. This entire thing was like a big mortification bomb aimed right at your face. All you could do was sit there and take it.

"It only seems like too much work because you're not taking care of yourself. If you were doing what you were supposed to, her advice would be easy." Your partner explained, and after a moment he gently grabbed your chin to tilt your face up. You looked up at him, trying your hardest not to cry, "You promised me you'd try to take care of yourself. Please don't make me have to see you as a liar."

His words hit deeper than they probably should've, and you felt your chin tremble. That's right. When you didn't take care of yourself, it wasn't just you who was affected. It was everyone who loved you, everyone who wanted to see you doing well. When you let yourself suffer like this, they suffered too.

"I'm sorry." You breathed out, "I don't mean to be like this. I wish I could be better."

"I don't."

You frowned at him, "What?"

"I don't wish you were better. I like you how you are." He said, moving his hand from your chin to your cheek, "What I don't like is how you treat yourself. You don't deserve that."

You bit your lip, not sure what to say.

"If it weren't you doing this to yourself, would it be the same? If someone else was treating you how you treat yourself, would you be okay with that?"

You didn't hesitate to shake your head, "No."

"So why do you let yourself do it?" He asked.

"I don't know." You sniffed, "I just do it. I can't help it."

"A good first step would be to get better sleep. If you're well-rested, you'll feel better. That'll give you more energy to do the other things you need to do to feel better."

You laughed lightly, scrubbing at your eyes, "Did you do all this just to tell me I need to sleep more?"

Wakatoshi smiled but shook his head, dropping his hand, "No. While I do want you to sleep more, I also want you to treat yourself better. It upsets me to see how you feel about yourself."

"Yeah, I know." You sighed, "I really will try to be better. Not just for you and my loved ones, but for myself too. So that I can be happy."

He smiled again, wider this time, and kissed your forehead, "That's all I could ask for."

You smiled, cheeks going pink, "Damn. You can't just do shit like that. I wasn't emotionally prepared."

"Would you rather I didn't do it?"

"No! No, God no." You exclaimed, "I just- you get me flustered more easily than anyone else I've ever met."

"Do I?" He asked, and you could hear that confidence from earlier in the day coming back into his voice. You thought you might combust.

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to take it down a couple notches. You're disturbing the girlfriend."

"Well, considering it's my girlfriend, shouldn't I be allowed to disturb her?" Wakatoshi wrapped an arm around your waist, pulling you close. You couldn't stop the giggle that burst out of you, and immediately slapped a hand over your mouth.

"No. No disturbances allowed, no matter how much said girlfriend may like you." You said a moment later, trying to ignore the heat crawling up your face.

"I've never been one for rule-breaking, but I think this is one I'd be okay with defying." He murmured, kissing your cheek.

Okay. You were definitely going to combust.

"Remember when you were all distant and quiet and we barely knew each other? Yeah, I wish we could go back to that." You said, but then you put a hand on his face, which totally contradicted your words.

"If that's what you really want." He sighed, and began to pull away.

"No! No, okay, I was kidding!" You called, "Don't leave."

"That's what I thought." Wakatoshi pulled you close again, and this time his kiss went on your lips.

You returned the kiss, your hand on his face moving to rest on the back of his neck. Your good leg was hooked over his thighs, putting you in the awkward position of being half on his lap and half on the bed. You decided to remedy that, shifting until you were fully seated on his lap. He didn't seem to mind, though, placing his hands on your hips and squeezing slightly. You wrapped your arms around his neck, eliminating as much space between the two of you as you could.

He kissed you with a gentleness that made you breathless, and enough passion to make your head spin. You ran your fingers through his hair, reveling in how soft it was. Wakatoshi's kiss changed then, from a loving kiss to a heated one. One of his hands moved to your lower back, pushing you against him. His tongue made an appearance then, just the quickest little swipe over your bottom lip before disappearing again, but holy fuck.

That was the best thing you'd experienced in your entire life.

You hummed, bringing one hand up to his jaw. You got as close as you could, wanting more. Needing more. Unfortunately for you, though, he pulled away a moment later, panting. You huffed at the sudden loss of his warmth and moved forward to kiss him again, only for him to hold you in place.

"Y/n." He said, and his voice was deeper than usual, huskier. Goddamn.

"Huh?" You asked, still trying to come back to reality from the ethereal experience you'd just gone through.

"We have to stop." Was his next statement, and you felt your shoulders slump, "You promised nothing would happen. But if we continue, I don't think either of us would be able to control ourselves."

You let out a heavy sigh, leaning forward and pressing your forehead against his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around your waist, hands rubbing comforting circles in your back. He was right, you knew that. It was only logical to cut it off before it got too far, but damn did that make you sad. You were quickly realizing that you really, really liked kissing Wakatoshi.

"Yeah, you're right. We'll stop." You responded, still trying to catch your breath.

"I'm sorry. I don't much want to stop, either. But I think it'll be better in the long run." He explained, resting his cheek against your head. You nodded against the fabric of his shirt, hands clutching tightly to his sleeves.

"It's okay. Don't be sorry." You pulled away then, tilting your head up to meet his eyes, "I agree with you. Plus, I promised I wouldn't try anything."

"Well, should we get ready for bed? I know you're tired."

You couldn't stop the pout that pulled at your face, "But I don't want to go to sleep. I want to spend time with you."

Wakatoshi rolled his eyes, which was absurdly attractive for how mundane of an action it was, "I never said we had to actually go to sleep. We can still spend time together. I just suggested we get ready for bed now so we don't have to worry about it later when we're more tired."

"Oh. Smart. You're very smart, Wakatoshi."

"Thank you."

The two of you broke apart then, setting to your nightly routines. Wakatoshi let you use the bathroom first, and you were quick to change into pajamas, wash your face, and brush your teeth. He was still sitting on your bed when you returned, and he gave you a once-over when you entered. A small smile twitched at his lips, and you felt your face heat up. You tugged at the fabric of your pajama pants, suddenly feeling self-conscious.

Usually, you put some sort of effort into your appearance when around him, but right now you were completely bare of any makeup, and standing in your pajamas. This was as real as you could be, and he was smiling. You felt like your heart was going to beat out of your chest.

"The bathroom's free for you to use now. You can go ahead."

"Thank you." He responded, getting to his feet and grabbing the pajamas you'd given him. He smiled slightly as he passed you, hand just barely brushing yours. Your blush increased tenfold, and you collapsed onto your bed, shoving your face into a pillow.

You'd wanted to be in a relationship with Wakatoshi for a long, long time. But you'd never thought that that relationship would include being so goddamn flustered all the time. Seriously, did he have a degree in sending someone into a frenzy? He sure seemed fucking good enough at it for that. Stupid fucking boyfriend with his stupid fucking confidence and his stupid fucking face and ugh.

You really did love him a lot.

Wakatoshi returned a few minutes later, and you were tucked under the covers, leaned back against the headboard. You looked up from the video you'd been watching on your phone, eyes scanning his appearance in the new clothes. You clutched the phone tighter in your hand, feeling your stomach do a flip.

Okay, so maybe you'd been a little off when you said that your boyfriend and your Dad were about the same build. The pants seemed to fit just fine, which was good, but the shirt. Fuck, the shirt. It was a little too tight, shoulders and biceps stretching the fabric along with a thin stripe of his abdomen showing. You could just barely see the beginning of toned abs resting under the shirt.

They were normal clothes. Ones you'd seen your Dad wear tons of times, with nothing memorable about them. But seeing them on Wakatoshi, the literal hottest guy you knew? Damn. You felt like you might need a cold glass of water to try to calm down.

Swallowing down the sudden dryness in your throat, you forced yourself to speak, "The clothes fit okay?"

"A little small, but they'll work for the night. Thank you for letting me use them." He responded, walking over and sitting on the edge of the bed. Your eyes trailed his movements, watching the shirt ride up as he put all his weight on one hand pressed against the bed, his other one resting in his lap. You felt like you should praise whatever god was allowing you to see this right now.

"Are you alright?"

Wakatoshi's voice snapped you out of your dazed state, and you moved your gaze to his face, cheeks burning. "Hm?"

"Are you alright? You look like you're stressed over something."

"Stressed isn't exactly the word I'd use." You laughed lightly, letting your eyes fall to the phone in your hand to avoid his stare. God, you needed to get your shit together. This was too embarrassing to keep enduring on a regular basis.

"What is it?" Your boyfriend asked, and the genuine concern in his voice made you unsure of whether to laugh some more or start crying. Both were appealing options right now.

"I promise it's nothing. I'm fine, don't worry. Just thinking is all. I get stuck in my thoughts sometimes, kinda space out. It's a normal thing for me." You explained, meeting his eyes once again.

His brows furrowed, showing just how disbelieving he was of your excuse, "Are you sure? You can tell me if there's more. I want to help."

"No, it's nothing, I promise." You smiled at him, trying to ease his mind, "I just... really like being with you."

Wakatoshi blinked, processing your words, and you watched the tips of his ears go pink. It was an adorable sight, and you wished more than anything you could take a picture. Instead, you settled for trying to commit it to memory. Not as good, but the best you could do under the circumstances.

"You have a habit of telling me how much you like me every time we're together." He said, swallowing. You felt the smile on your lips grow.

"I know. You should let yourself enjoy it."

He cleared his throat, trying to get his feelings under control, and looked at you, "It's late. We should probably turn in for the night."

"Only if you promise that we can cuddle." You insisted, pointing a finger at him. He smiled, tilting his head a little.

"Yes, I knew you'd want that. I thought it was a given."

"Ugh, as you should." You commented, before setting your phone on the nightstand and getting yourself under the covers. Wakatoshi did the same on the other side of the bed, and soon the two of you were laid down next to each other. With the lights turned off, the moon peeking through your curtains was the only source of light, but it wasn't much.

You didn't hesitate to roll onto your side and push yourself into your boyfriend's personal space, relaxing against his chest as he wrapped his arms around you. You listened to the sound of his heartbeat, quick and strong, and felt something a little like adoration swell inside you. His arms were tight around your waist, fingers lightly brushing against your back and chin rested on your head. It was comfortable, and loving, and you'd never felt more at home.

"'Toshi?" You murmured, pressing your cheek against him. He hummed in response, holding you a little tighter, "Thank you. I couldn't have asked for a better first date."

You felt him kiss your head, and you clutched the fabric of his shirt, "Of course. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I did, too."

"That's good." You smiled, eyes fluttering closed.

"Get some rest, y/n. I'll be here." He said, voice pulling you towards slumber.

"Mm. Okay. Good night."

"Good night, y/n."

___________________

The start of the new year brought about thousands of new opportunities, the first of which being Nationals. While you couldn't participate yourself, you had many friends who could, including your brother. You were planning to attend as many of the games as you could, trying to get a chance to see all your friends play. It stung a little, to be honest, knowing you'd be in the audience instead of on the court. But you were trying to stay positive, and focus on being happy for your friends.

Your boyfriend did not share your feelings.

"Why would I go to Nationals if I don't get to play?" He asked over the phone, and you paused in your trip researching to frown at the wall. He couldn't see you, but it just felt right.

"Because you have friends who are playing, and a girlfriend who's asking you to go with her so she doesn't have to be alone." You responded.

"My only friend is Tendou, and he won't be playing."

You sighed, pinching the bridge of your nose, "Yeah, okay. You don't want to go, so forget it. Forget I asked."

"Who will you go with, then?" Was his next question.

"I don't know. Maybe I'll ask Tendou. Or Oikawa." You responded, "I doubt Oikawa would want to go, but maybe I can bribe him."

"No." Came his immediate, authoritative reply. You froze, teeth clacking from how fast your mouth snapped shut, "You're not going with Oikawa."

"Well, it's not like I have a ton of people to choose from, and since you, my top choice, doesn't want to go..."

"I never said I didn't want to go. I just asked why I would go. It doesn't seem practical."

"There's more to volleyball than just playing it, you know." You rolled your eyes, "Watching it can be just as fun sometimes. Plus, you'll get to hang out with me. And I am great company."

"You are great company." He responded, then paused for a moment, "Alright. I'll go."

"You will?" You asked, and then immediately took a moment to calm yourself down and lower the excitement in your voice, "But, wait. If you don't want to come, then don't. I won't make you. And I won't go with Oikawa if it makes you uncomfortable."

"If I didn't want to go, I would've said so. I want to go with you."

"Are you sure, though? I really don't want you to feel forced. I'm fine with it if you don't go. I'll be okay."

"Y/n. I want to go. I don't feel forced."

You sighed, relenting, "Yeah, okay. Thank you. It means a lot to me."

"Don't thank me. I want to do it."

"Well, still. It makes me happy."

"It makes me happy, too."

"Awe, Toshi." You cooed, grinning at your empty room, "That's kinda romantic. You got a crush on me or something?"

"We're dating, y/n."

His monotone response sent you into a bout of laughter, and you fell back on your bed, clutching your stomach. It took you a couple minutes to get yourself under control again, letting out a sigh and wiping at your eyes.

"You're cute." You hummed.

"That has nothing to do with what we were talking about, but thank you."

Once again, you felt the urge to laugh, but pushed it down, "You're welcome."

"Y/n!" You heard your brother call from somewhere else in the house, "Come on! We're going out for dinner!"

You sighed, sitting back up and letting your legs hang over the edge of the bed, "I've gotta go. But I'll text you the details about Nationals later, okay?"

"Alright. I'll talk to you later."

"Bye, Wakatoshi. I love you."

"Goodbye, y/n."

The phone call clicked to an end, and you just breathed for a moment. You felt happy right now, so infinitely good in this instance in time. It was crazy to you that just some months ago, you'd been laying in a hospital bed, broken, wondering how you'd go on with your life. Now, here you were, surrounded by amazing friends, an even more amazing boyfriend, and countless opportunities to take you far. Maybe people were right when they said things would get better.

The first day of Nationals came faster than you'd expected, and before you knew it you were entering a giant stadium, your quiet boyfriend in tow. You scanned your surroundings, not able to stop the awe that spread across your face. It was so much grander than anything you could've pictured. A huge building filled to the brim with volleyball players and volleyball watchers alike. It was a flurry of activity, and the sheer amount of noise should've made you overwhelmed, but you just felt so... a part of everything.

The lobby you stood in was filled with people trying to get to their destinations, teams moving to whatever gyms they were supposed to be in, flustered workers hurrying to go do some task they'd been given. In a far corner of the room, you saw a team gathered together, all wearing black jerseys. One head of bright blonde hair looked quite familiar, and you smiled before moving yourself over there. Using crutches in such a crowded space wasn't exactly easy, but Wakatoshi did his best to help, and it wasn't long before the two of you were approaching the team.

The crutches weren't necessary, really. Your leg felt good these days, and you made sure to never overwork yourself. But Wakatoshi had been worried over how much movement the two of you'd be doing this weekend, and asked if you would be willing to use them. If only so I don't have to worry, he'd said, green eyes pleading. You'd never been good at saying no to him, but it was even harder to say it when he was looking at you like that. So, crutches it was.

You stopped behind the blonde boy, the large seven on his back staring at you, and reached up to tap his shoulder. He turned around, confirming your assumption that it was Atsumu, and his confused expression quickly shifted to joy as he spotted you in front of him. You couldn't help but grin at how excited he looked, a little too giddy that someone was this happy to see you. It was an unfamiliar feeling.

"Y/n!" He exclaimed, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you into a bone-crushing hug. You gasped, all the air getting knocked out of you, and you couldn't do much more than wrap your arms around him and hug back. Wakatoshi's gaze felt hot against your back, "You're here! I can't believe you actually came."

When he finally set you down, you wheezed out a laugh, settling back onto your crutches, "Well, you said this was the only way I could make it up to you for walking me home. I couldn't just not come."

"Hm. You're right. Good to know you're not a flaky friend." He beamed, winking at you, "I can't believe you came all the way to Nationals just for me."

You rolled your eyes, "Don't flatter yourself. I have other friends who are competing, and my brother is, too."

"Damn. I'm wounded, y/n. I thought I was special." He pouted, clutching a hand to his chest. Almost immediately after, his hand dropped as his eyes widened, anticipation painting his face, "Wait. Your brother? Like, your twin? I could meet your twin?"

"Yeah, if you want." You laughed, turning to scan the room, "He should be here somewhere."

"Go find him!" Atsumu exclaimed, "We can have a twin meet-and-greet."

Once again, you couldn't help but laugh, and nodded, "Alright. I'll be right back. Stay here."

Once he nodded in understanding, you turned and moved away, searching for the familiar head of your twin brother. There really were a lot of people here, which only made it all the more difficult. At one point, you stopped, searching for him, and jumped when you felt Wakatoshi's hand on your waist. You looked up at him, mouth open to question him, only to stop short at the look on his face. It was anger. That was the only word you could think of to describe it.

"What's wrong?" You asked, cursing yourself when your voice came out softer than you'd meant it.

"I don't like the way he looks at you. Or how openly he touches you." He responded, voice hard and eyes narrowed.

Ah. Jealousy.

Sighing, you turned to face him, resting a hand on his bicep, "Wakatoshi, we've been over this. He's a friend. That's it. Being flirty is part of his personality, he doesn't mean it. And even if he did mean it, I'm not interested. And, as far as touching, that's just the person he is. He's openly affectionate like that. He does it to everyone. You have no reason to be worried, or to be jealous. I'm more than satisfied with you."

He nodded at your words, though a little frustration still lingered on his face, "I know. I just hate seeing someone else be so close with you."

"Well, I can't really do anything about that. He's my friend, and that's how he is. All I can say is that you don't need to get upset, because I would never even think about being with anyone else. You should know that by now."

Once again, he nodded, but stayed silent this time. You stood on your tiptoes to press a quick kiss to his lips, feeling your heart flutter when it made him smile.

"Now. Let's go find my brother." You stated.

Only a few minutes later, you'd done just that, finding your brother sitting against a wall, playing a game on his phone while the rest of his team stood by and mingled. You pushed through them, mumbling apologies and greetings as you went, and finally stopped in front of your twin. It took a moment for him to look up from his screen, and his eyes narrowed when they landed on you.

"What do you want?" He asked, that weird twin intuition thing obviously giving him the assumption that you wanted something. Technically, he was right.

"I need you to come with me. There's someone I want you to meet."

Instantly, his face paled, and he shrunk back against the wall, "Nuh-uh. I don't wanna meet anyone. You know I hate doing that."

"I know. But it'll be fine. It's just one person, and it'll be quick. Then I'll set you free."

He shook his head, brows furrowed. Sighing, you shifted, stopping yourself from just kicking him. It really was a tempting idea.

"Come on. I bought you that game last week when you were at volleyball practice. You owe me."

Kenma huffed, glaring at you, but pushed himself to his feet, "'Dunno why you couldn't have just done that out of the good in your heart."

"I don't have any of that." You responded, nudging him forward, "Now come on."

The three of you made your way back over to Atsumu's team, and to your relief, he was right where you'd left him. His back was to you again, and you tapped his shoulder just like last time to get his attention. He turned around, smiling when he saw you.

"Welcome back. Did you retrieve your womb-mate?"

You sputtered out a laugh, covering your mouth with your hand, "What the fuck was that?"

"Uh, it was me being the funniest person alive." He responded, smirking.

"Yeah, okay." You replied, sarcasm bleeding from your tone, "But yes, I did get him."

You grabbed Kenma's sleeve from where he was hiding behind you, yanking him forward to stand next to you. He stumbled, glaring at you, and smacked your hand away.

"You're so abusive. I'm gonna tell mom."

"Go ahead."

"Whoa! You guys look a lot alike!" Atsumu exclaimed, and both you and your twin turned to look at him, "You've got the same eyes and your faces make the same expressions. That's kinda cool."

You felt Kenma's eyes on you, and you turned your head to look at him.

"Who's this guy?" He asked.

"Kenma, this is Atsumu. My therapy friend. Atsumu, this is Kenma. My twin brother." You introduced them, gesturing to each respectively.

"Oh. Hi." Kenma muttered, nodding his head.

"It's good to meet you, Kenma. Your sister is pretty much my best friend." Atsumu grinned, and you felt your face heat up.

"Sucks to be you, I guess." Kenma said, and you smacked his head. He winced and rubbed his head, glaring at you.

"Don't be rude." You hissed.

"Oh, I guess I should introduce my twin, huh?" Atsumu commented, before turning back towards his team, "Oi! 'Samu! C'mere real quick!"

A few moments passed, and then you saw a gray haired boy who looked nearly identical to Atsumu make his way over. He stopped next to his brother, a bored look on his face, "What do you want?"

"I want you to meet y/n, and her twin. We're therapy and twin buddies." He beamed, gesturing to you and Kenma. Atsumu turned to you then, jerking his head towards the gray haired boy, "This is Osamu. My twin."

"It's nice to meet you, Osamu." You smiled, and he looked you up and down before giving a small smile.

"Nice to meet you, too. I've heard lots about you." He said, and you saw Atsumu tense a little, "My condolences for having to deal with 'Tsumu."

"Hey!" The blonde boy exclaimed, and you laughed.

"I'm just saying." Osamu rolled his eyes, before his gaze landed on something behind you, "Who's this guy?"

You turned around, eyes landing on Wakatoshi, who was standing a little bit away, watching the four of you. You smiled and grabbed his hand, pulling him until he stood next to you. You then turned back to the twins, squeezing Wakatoshi's hand.

"This is my boyfriend. Ushijima Wakatoshi."

"Boyfriend?" The gray haired twin asked, face morphing into confusion. He turned to his twin, "If she's got a boyfriend, why are you still obsessing over her?"

"Shut the fuck up! I don't obsess over her." Atsumu snapped, "She's just my friend, dumbass. Don't go saying dumb shit like that."

"Yeah, okay. Whatever."

"Can I go now?" Kenma asked, and you looked at him.

"Seriously? That's as much effort as you're gonna give?" You asked him, a little exasperated.

"Yes." He said, with no other explanation.

You sighed, looking away, "Fine. Go."

Kenma nodded, turning to go back to his team. He stopped, though, and momentarily turned back towards the two boys, "It was nice meeting you both."

He was gone before anyone else could even respond.

"Wow. Not very social, is he?" Osamu commented, watching your brother go.

"No. He thinks people are overrated. He's got his small circle of friends, and he's fine with that. Any other effort to socialize feels like too much to him." You explained.

"Hm. Okay." The gray haired boy looked at your boyfriend once again, tilting his head slightly, "You're not much of a talker either."

"I don't have anything to say that would be pleasant conversation." Wakatoshi responded, and you felt his grip on your hand tighten. So the jealousy was making a comeback, then. Of course.

Osamu's gaze fell on your hands, and a knowing look passed through his eyes before he turned to his brother, "'Tsumu, stop flirting with the guy's girlfriend. He's gonna pummel you."

"I'm not- Just go away!" Your therapy friend yelled, "Last time I ever try to introduce you to anyone, I swear to God."

"I'm just warning you." Osamu smiled at you and Wakatoshi, gaze flicking between the two of you, "It was nice to meet both of you."

"Nice to meet you, too." You responded, "Good luck in your game."

"Thank you." He nodded one last time before turning and going back to rejoin his teammates.

Then, it was just you, Wakatoshi, and Atsumu. The tension was suffocating. Part of you felt like you might actually pass out.

"Listen, dude, I'm sorry if you think I'm putting the moves on your girl." Atsumu spoke before you had a chance to, and you blinked in surprise, "I swear I'm not. She's attractive, yeah, and is like the best person I know, but I don't feel that way about her. Or, uh, any woman, for that matter."

It took a moment for his words to sink in, but your body literally jolted when they did, "Huh? Come again?"

You'd never seen Atsumu look so sheepish, or self-conscious. His eyes fell to the floor, and he rubbed at the back of his neck, "Yeah. Uh, I'm gay."

"Holy shit! For real?" You exclaimed, and you were hugging him before you even understood what you were doing, "That's so great! I'm so happy for you! Thank you so much for feeling comfortable enough to tell me that."

He chuckled, patting your back, "Yeah, well, you're one of the first. Only my family and a few teammates know right now. It makes me nervous to tell people, for some reason."

"That's totally understandable." You murmured, pulling away to look at him, "I'm proud of you for telling anyone in the first place. It's amazing."

He looked away again, face slightly pink, "Ah, whatever. Don't flatter me."

You laughed, shaking your head and backing out of his personal space. To your surprise, Wakatoshi stepped forward then, placing a hand on the blonde boy's shoulders. He looked up at your boyfriend, a bit of fear lingering in his eyes. Shit, you were kinda scared, too.

"I'm very relieved to hear that. It makes me feel much better about your friendship with y/n." He said, no malice in his voice, "I wish you the very best of luck in finding a male partner."

You smacked your hand against your forehead, sighing. Well, at least he was trying.

To your relief, Atsumu just laughed, "Yeah, thanks. Good luck with your relationship with y/n. She's one of the best."

"I'm very well aware of that."

You stood there, watching two people who used to barely be able to talk to each other two minutes ago have a pleasant conversation, and a familiar thought popped into your head.

Maybe people were right when they said things would get better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god you guys i am so sorry. it's been like a month since i updated, and for that i sincerely apologize. i've been really busy lately, and my mental health hasn't been too good, and my laptop ended up breaking so i haven't been able to write. but i finally forced myself to sit down and get this out on my ipad so that i don't leave you guys hanging. again, i'm so sorry for how long i slacked off.  
> also, i'm sorry that this chapter is kinda boring. it's pretty much a filler chapter, but considering the angst in the next chapter, it might be nice to have a simple chapter first. the calm before the storm, or so to say. again, my apologies.   
> along with the angst, next chapter will be the last one before the timeskip. be prepared.   
> anyways! thank you so much for reading, and once again i'm sorry for not updating sooner. i hope you enjoyed, and i'll see you next week! have a good day :)


	19. nineteen

Time moved faster than you could’ve prepared for, and before you knew it March was upon you, accompanied by the end of the school year. You and your brother were now on your way to being third years, while most of your friends were graduating and beginning the rest of their lives. That included your boyfriend, who everyone knew would end up playing volleyball professionally. He was surely passionate enough, and he definitely had the talent. Honestly, you’d be surprised if he  _ didn’t  _ end up being a pro. 

Kuroo, being the person he is, decided that a party needed to be thrown to celebrate all of you surviving this school year. You couldn’t help but agree, thinking that you deserved a party after all the shit you went through. Plus, it was an excuse to let loose and hang out with your friends, how could you pass that up? Even Kenma said he’d be going, willingly. Both you and Kuroo were equally shocked by that, but neither of you were about to complain. 

The party ended up being thrown at the same place your birthday had been at, except instead of different activity stations, there were tables with snacks, assortments of blankets spread out across the space, and the speaker setup where the music was blasting from. By the time you and Kenma got there, Oikawa, Iwaizumi, Bokuto, Akaashi, Daichi, Suga, Hinata, and Kuroo were already mingling with each other. There was no sign of Wakatoshi or Tendou yet, which made you a little nervous. One of the biggest reasons you’d wanted to do this was to see your boyfriend and best friend, so if they didn’t show up, it’d pretty much all be for nothing. 

“Y/n!” 

You looked over, trying to see who was calling for you, only to be squeezed by strong arms and spun around. You cried out, gripping the person’s shoulders for dear life, their laughter loud and melodic in your ear. It took you about three seconds to realize it was Bokuto. Who was still holding you up. 

“Hi, Bokuto.” You laughed lightly, pulling your face away from his shoulder to look at him. He grinned at you, finally setting you down. 

“I feel like I haven’t seen you in awhile. How are you? How’s your relationship with Ushijima? I wanna know.” 

“Oh. Well, uh, I’m fine. Things are pretty okay right now. And my relationship with Ushijima is just fine. I’m happy, and I’m pretty sure he is too.” That last part had you smiling, and you felt embarrassed that just the thought of him being happy with you was able to turn you into a giddy little girl. 

“I am so happy to hear that. You deserve all the good things.” He responded, ruffling your hair. You huffed, swatting his hand away, “How about your leg? Any new developments?” 

You shook your head, “Nope. The injury’s as healed as it’s gonna get, so this is what I’m stuck with. A limp and occasional aching. I’m like an old lady.” 

A little pout came across his lips, and he crossed his arms, “Damn. I’m sorry. But at least you’re alive and still have most of your movement back, right?” 

“Right.” You nodded, your smile growing. Bokuto was right. You could’ve died in that accident, or been even more severely injured. You should be thankful for the way things turned out. Because, honestly, they’d turned out pretty damn well. 

Kurro called Bokuto’s name then, and he gave you a quick wave before making his way over to the messy-haired teenager. Once again, you were left standing there alone. You took a deep breath, letting the cool evening air settle in your lungs for a few seconds before letting it all out again. Things were good. Really good. You were really fucking happy, even without volleyball in your life. A year ago, you’d never thought that could be possible. 

But here you were. Live and in person, living a life without your favorite sport, and somehow being happier than you’d ever been. 

It felt surreal. Like any second now, you’d wake up in that hospital bed with a busted body and all of this would have been a dream. That felt like more of a realistic explanation than this actually being the life you had. You weren’t the type to luck out like this. Normally, you’d be on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop. But after everything, you were just letting yourself enjoy this. Even if it didn’t last, you didn’t want to regret not taking advantage of these moments one day in the future. 

You kinda felt like you were gonna cry, but not from sadness. Not from happiness, either. It was this weird feeling settled in your chest, flowing through your veins and making your fingertips tingle. You felt… amazed. Amazed that you were getting to live this life, to have this much happiness. It nearly overwhelmed you. 

You tilted your head back, looking up at a sky full of stars with slightly teary eyes, and couldn’t help but let out a laugh. You felt beautiful. Not beautiful in the physical sense, but just your existence itself. It was beautiful. So, so beautiful, and so fulfilling. 

Looking up at the stars, stars you’d seen hundreds of times, you felt like your life had just begun. 

A second later, a face obstructed your view of the stars, and you adjusted your gaze to focus on the green eyes staring down at you. Wakatoshi was standing behind you, bent at the waist so his face hovered above your own. His brows were furrowed, eyes questioning. 

“What are you doing?” He asked. 

You smiled, turning to face him and straightening up. Without a second of hesitation, you wrapped your arms around his waist, resting your head against his chest. He tensed for a moment, but soon relaxed and placed his hands on your back. 

“I was looking at the stars.” You murmured, closing your eyes and inhaling the familiar scent of  _ him _ that you adored so much, “I’m really happy to see you right now.” 

“I’m happy to see you, too.” You could hear confusion in his voice, but he was holding you tighter, so you took that as a good sign. 

You pulled away then, smiling up at him with a grin that conveyed the joy coursing through you. He blinked, momentarily taken aback, before giving you his own smile in return. You were pretty sure it was bigger than his usual half-smiles. 

“Damn. Your best friends start dating and suddenly your existence is forgotten.” 

You looked over at Tendou standing a few feet away, who was watching you both with love in his eyes that rivaled his words. You laughed, untangling yourself from Wakatoshi and moving over to the redhead. He opened his arms, not hesitating for a moment, and you latched yourself onto him. He held you tight, one hand holding your waist and the other on the back of your head. It was such a loving embrace that you nearly got choked up again. 

“I would never forget you, Tendou. You’re too important.” You told him, and smiled when his grip slightly tightened. 

“You flatter me, y/n.” He responded, resting his chin on your head. 

“Don’t give me that. I’ve known you pretty much my whole life. There’s no way I could ever, even if I wanted to in some crazy alternate universe, forget you.” 

“Hm. You’re awfully affectionate tonight. Do you have a terminal illness you didn’t tell us about and these are your goodbyes because you can’t bring yourself to tell us the truth?”

“Uh, no, what the fuck.” You furrowed your brows, “I just… feel happy. And I want to show my loved ones how much they mean to me.” 

“Cute.” He hummed. 

You felt your face heat up, and buried it in his shirt to hide. You could feel the vibrations in his chest as he laughed at that. 

“Hey, you guys! Get over here!” You heard Kuroo yell, and turned to look at all your other friends gathered a bit away, “We can’t start the party without you!” 

You rolled your eyes, but listened, and the three of you made your way over to the rest of the group. Everyone was sitting down on blankets spread over the grass, a small campfire in a metal container thing resting in the middle of the circle. Oikawa and Iwaizumi were on a blanket, sitting close enough that they were touching. Next to them was Bokuto and Akaashi; Akaashi was sitting while Bokuto laid his head in the setter’s lap, smiling brightly as the younger one ran his fingers through his black-and-white hair. Daichi and Suga were up next, both sitting cross-legged and letting their knees touch. Hinata, Kenma, and Kuroo all shared a blanket next to them, with Kuroo taking up nearly half of it himself and the two boys having to basically be pressed together to fit. You could also see that, hidden between them and almost completely out of sight, their hands were intertwined. 

Kenma had finally gotten the nerve to confess to Hinata, telling him how he felt at Nationals. It was after their game against each other, and they were walking outside when Kenma just forced himself to blurt it out. According to your brother, Hinata had just stood there in shock for a good five seconds, before he came to his senses and started jumping up and down in excitement. They were dating now, had been for a couple months at this point. You were pretty sure you’d never seen your twin so happy as he was with Hinata. 

There was one final blanket, the only empty one, and you, Wakatoshi, and Tendou sat down on it. You were in the middle, with Wakatoshi on your right and Tendou on your left. Tendou leaned back on his elbows, long legs crossed in front of him. Wakatoshi sat with perfect posture, spine ramrod straight and hands rested politely in his lap. It kind of made you want to laugh. 

“Alright. Now that everyone’s here, let’s get started.” Kuroo spoke up, “Since this is a party celebrating those of us who have graduated, I thought it would be fit if we all went around and talked about what we want out of life. What we wanna do, who we wanna be, stuff like that. Even if you’re not graduated, though, you can still participate of course.” 

“That sounds like fun!” Bokuto piped up, and everyone muttered sounds of agreement. 

“Alright, cool. I’ll go first, and then we’ll go clockwise around the circle.” The old Nekoma captain said, before taking a breath and speaking again, “I’m not really sure what I want to do in life. I’m not really sure volleyball’s the right thing for me, as much as I love it. Really, I just wanna be someone important, y’know. Someone that others rely on and look up to. I wanna make a difference and leave the world a better place when my time’s up.” 

No one said anything after he spoke, letting his words wash over them and settle. It was something deep and meaningful, a little unexpected, honestly. You personally thought it was beautiful, and felt so happy at how good your friend’s motives in life were.

“Anyways. Wakatoshi’s next.” Kuroo spoke again. 

Your boyfriend, somehow, sat up straighter than he already was, and cleared his throat, “I want to play volleyball. I suppose it doesn’t really matter where I end up, as long as I’m at the top. I’ve always had that goal for my life. I don’t see why it would change now, or how I’d want it to. As long as I get to play volleyball, I think I’ll be happy.” 

You smiled at his explanation, not the least bit surprised. It was pretty clear that volleyball was his thing, and that wasn’t going to change any time soon. Though it irked you a bit that he didn’t say anything about friends or family, you’d expected it. He focused on his goals much more than trivial things like relationships. 

“Yeah, that makes sense.” Kuroo nodded, “Y/n, you’re next.” 

You shifted, a little surprised to be called on despite knowing it was coming. You pondered for a minute, wondering what to say, before finally opening your mouth and speaking, “Honestly, I’m pretty clueless about what I want to do with my life. A year ago, I was set on volleyball, but now that that’s out of the question, I’m kind of floating in the unknown. But I know that I want to do something good, something I enjoy that’ll make me happy. I want to wake up every morning looking forward to the day ahead of me instead of dreading it. I want to be able to look in the mirror and be proud of what I see.

“I want to do something that keeps me connected to people, something where I’m able to have lasting friendships and people around me so I won’t feel alone. I want to be able to be there for my loved ones no matter what, and always do my best. But, really… most of all, I just want to be able to keep you all in my life. You’re too important to let go of.” 

Everyone was watching you with proud expressions, smiles gracing their lips, and part of you wanted to hide from all the attention. You felt Wakatoshi grab your hand, squeezing lightly, and let out a shaky breath before smiling thankfully at him. The touch made you feel more grounded, less vulnerable with everyone’s eyes on you. 

“That’s wonderful, y/n.” Akaashi spoke, and you smiled and nodded in his direction. 

“Is it my turn?” Tendou spoke, sitting up, “I think it is, so I’ll go. Basically, I wanna do something that keeps me entertained. I have a lot of energy, and something that captivates me for long periods of time would be great. Something that makes people happy, too. I wanna do something that spreads joy. And I wanna be surrounded by people I love and who love me, flaws included.” 

“As long as I’m around, you’ll have someone who loves every bit of you.” You commented, nudging his shoulder. He grinned at you, nudging back. 

“Me now?” Oikawa asked, and everyone looked at him, “Well, it’s pretty simple what I want. I want to play volleyball, and be able to beat any opponent I come across. I want to be the best.” He looked at the boy sitting next to him then, smiling and hugging his arm, “And I want to be with Iwa-chan.” 

Iwaizumi acted like he was trying to push Oikawa off him, but the admiration in his eyes betrayed his actions. Next to you, Wakatoshi opened his mouth to speak, probably about the ‘being the best’ comment, but you quickly put your hand over his mouth. He looked at you questioningly, and you just shook your head. 

“Let it go.” You murmured. He sighed, but finally nodded, and you let your hand fall away. 

The next few explanations went by fast. Iwaizumi wanted something that kept him active and benefited others, begrudgingly adding a comment about being okay with Oikawa being around as long as he could help people. The graduated Seijoh captain grinned at that, hugging Iwaizumi’s arm even tighter. Iwaizumi tried to shove him off again, a light blush dusting his cheeks. Bokuto said he wanted to play volleyball, but he’d probably be able to find something to do wherever he went, and he’d be okay as long as he had Akaashi. 

The boy himself went red at that, and he acted like he was covering his face in exasperation to hide the emotions coursing through him. When he finally got control of himself, he explained that he wanted to be able to tell stories. He wanted to share the feelings inside of him with others, and leave his mark on this World. He also said he’d like to have Bokuto around, who pretty much turned into an excited puppy when he heard that. No one was really surprised. 

Suga came next, and his was more specific than most. He said he wanted to teach, helping the younger generation grow their minds in the most gentle way he could. He wanted to be able to have you all around still, the bonds you’d all forged lasting long past High School. After that, Daichi explained that he also wanted to do something to help people, as many people as he possibly could. He said he was leaning towards firefighting, a career he’d admired for a long time. 

“I wanna play volleyball forever!” Hinata exclaimed when it was his turn, nearly jumping to his feet in excitement. Kenma’s hand in his was the only thing keeping him grounded, “I want to be able to have a team full of friends that I get to play with for a long time, and win as many matches as I can. I want you all to come to my games so I still get to see you, and I don’t have to say goodbye.” He paused for a moment, cheeks going pink, “I also… wanna be with Kenma.” 

Your twin’s eyes widened at that last part, and he ducked his head to avoid the gazes of everyone else in the circle. Everyone gave a little laugh, happy to see them so giddy with each other. It was nice that they were happy, and you felt a bit of gratitude flow through you at whatever being in the universe made it possible for your brother to be that happy. It took Kenma a few minutes to get his embarrassment under control, and then he was finally ready to give his answer. 

“I wanna do something with games.” He muttered, and everyone gave a knowing nod, “I wanna be able to keep seeing my friends, too. And I- I wanna be with Hinata.” 

Now it was the Karasuno boy’s turn to be embarrassed. 

“Awe, you guys are so cute.” Kuroo cooed, and Kenma shot a death glare his way. It just made the bedheaded boy laugh. 

The night continued on after that, going long into the night when you all were exhausted and more than ready to fall into bed. But you couldn’t deny that it was more fun than you’d had in a long time, and it felt so good to be with your friends like this. You knew that after this, it wouldn’t be as easy as everyone moved on with their lives, and that thought made you feel a little sick. So you decided to focus on the time you  _ did  _ have with them instead of worry about the future. It felt better that way. 

Besides, you’d cross all those bridges when you got to them. No point stressing until then. 

___________________

It was the first Saturday since your third year of High School had begun, and Tendou had asked you to lunch. You agreed without hesitation, more than happy to get a break from the already hectic school year. Plus, you’d get to hang out with Tendou. Which was amazing in itself. You’d be lying if you said he wasn’t one of your favorite people. 

The two of you went to a ramen shop you used to frequent, taking your usual table after greeting the owners. 

“So.” The redhead began, settling into his spot, “How’s third year going so far?”

You let out a heavy sigh, shaking your head, “It’s definitely more complex than second year was. Even in the first week. I’m not looking forward to it.” 

Tendou laughed, a knowing look on his face, “That’s why you make friends or do clubs, so there’s more than just the stressful stuff. You should try it.” 

“I  _ was _ in a club.” You pointed out, “And I do have friends. They’re just all… graduated.” 

“Join a new club. Make new friends. It’s not like you get one chance at something and then you can’t ever do it again. Don’t be stubborn.” 

“I’m not!” 

He gave you a look. 

“Okay, well maybe I am.” You muttered, “It’s just so hard. Having to go through all the beginning stuff again.” 

“Yeah, but the payoff will be worth it.” 

You huffed, crossing your arms. The redhead rolled his eyes. 

“On another note, how are you and Wakatoshi doing?” He asked. 

“Good.” You hummed, “I like being with him, it makes me feel good. And he’s just… you know, he’s one of the best people I know.” 

Tendou smiled, a warm look in his eyes, “You’ve got it bad.” 

“Hey!” You exclaimed, though you didn’t deny it. That sent him into a fit of laughter that had other guests in the restaurant glancing at the two of you. Still, seeing him so happy made you smile. 

“Okay.” He sighed, finally getting a hold of himself again, “So are you gonna bring anything to give him at the airport tonight?” 

Your entire body tensed, the smile freezing on your face.  _ Airport? _

“Huh?” You asked, because you didn’t think your brain could compute a full sentence right now. 

Your friend blinked at you, a confused smile gracing his lips, “What, did you forget that was tonight? Or are you just panicking that you didn’t get him something, because-”

“No, no, no. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You cut in, shaking your head, “What do you mean, ‘airport’?” 

He was silent for a second, before a myriad of emotions flashed over his face. Confusion, understanding, surprise, sadness, anger. You saw all of those in him in a matter of seconds. It had your heart thundering in your chest. You felt like you were going to pass out.

“He didn’t tell you.” Tendou muttered, eyes falling to his lap. His shoulders slumped, hands slightly shaking as he fiddled with them. 

“Tell me what? Tendou, what’s going on?” 

He took a breath, more hesitant than you were comfortable with, and finally met your eyes, “He’s leaving.” 

You felt your stomach drop, and your blood ran cold. Leaving? Wakatoshi was leaving? Where was he going? Why was he going anywhere in the first place?  _ Why didn’t he tell you? _

“What… what do you mean?” You swallowed, hating how weak you sounded right now. But then again, you felt like you were freezing from the inside out, so you’d allow it. 

“He’s leaving.” Tendou said again, as if the first time didn’t hurt enough, “He got an offer to join a volleyball league in another part of Japan, so he’s moving there in order to do it. He’s flying out tonight.”

He was leaving. Moving away. He’d been ready to disappear into thin air without a word to you. You’d already spent your last moments with him. When was that? What did you even do? You couldn’t remember. Did he know he was moving then and just not tell you? 

_ Why didn’t he tell you?  _

“Y/n?” Tendou called to you, and you realized you’d been staring off into space while your mind did a downward spiral. He was looking at you with an expression that could only be called pity. It made you feel sick, “Are you okay?” 

“Do you know where he is right now?” You asked instead of answering, voice flat. You felt like you should be crying, but your eyes were completely dry. Maybe it was shock. 

Your friend took a moment to process your words before stuttering out a response, “Y-yeah. He’s at his house, packing. Why?” 

“Great.” You got to your feet, “I’m sorry, but I’ve got to cut our lunch short. I need to talk to him.” You left the restaurant before he even had a chance to respond. 

You were already quite a distance from the restaurant when you felt a hand on your shoulder, and you whirled around only to be met with the face of Tendou. 

“I’m coming with you.” He said. 

You shook your head, “It’s fine. You don’t have to. I just need to talk to him and-” 

“ _ I’m coming with you. _ ” He said again, his voice displaying that it wasn’t up for discussion. 

You just sighed, nodded and muttered a quick ‘thanks’, and then continued on your way. 

The train ride to Wakatoshi’s house was spent in complete silence. 

Walking up to Wakatoshi’s house, you couldn’t help but remember the first time you came here. The fun you’d had with him, watching him cook dinner, watching him play piano, just talking to him. You’d felt like you were flying that night. Now, that was all a distant memory. It almost felt like it didn’t happen at all. 

You knocked on the door, Tendou standing behind you, and waited for someone to answer. A moment later, the door opened, and an older man stood there. He looked like Wakatoshi, and had a kind smile on his face. It must have been his Dad. 

Of course. Of course you’d be meeting his parent at a time like this. Because your life was God’s favorite comedy show. 

“Hello there.” He greeted, “Can I help you?”

You pushed down the raging emotions inside of you and put your best polite smile on your face, “Hello. Sorry for the intrusion, but is Wakatoshi here? I need to speak to him.” 

“Of course, he’s upstairs in his room.” The man said, moving out of the way to let you both inside, “Are you a friend of his?” 

You paused, something nasty tugging at your heart, “Yeah, something like that. Thank you for letting us in.” And with that, you made your way upstairs. 

Tendou stayed downstairs, clearly understanding that this was a conversation just for the two of you. But knowing that he was downstairs was enough for you, and you felt a little stronger as you walked down the hall. You’d never been up here before, so you didn’t know which one was Wakatoshi’s. Lucky for you, though, it was the only one with an open door. Last one on the left, to be exact. 

You stood in the doorway, letting him stay oblivious to your presence and just watching him for a moment. He was knelt next to his bed, his back to you, putting a pile of books resting on his bed into the box in front of him. Nearly everything in his room was bare at this point, and there was a neat assortment of full moving boxes pressed up against the wall. He’d probably be done and ready to go within the hour. That made your heart hurt in a weird way. 

Though you couldn’t see his face, you still couldn’t help but think that he was beautiful. You’d always thought Wakatoshi was beautiful, but it shifted from just physical to something else entirely as you fell in love with him. It was like the moon, almost. You’d gaze at it at night, marveling in its beauty and majesty. It’d feel like time stopped, and you were pulled in by some feeling you couldn’t name. 

But at some point the sun has to rise, and the moon disappears. 

“Wakatoshi.” You finally spoke, infinitely glad that your voice didn’t break. 

He turned to look at you, a confused expression on his face, hands stalling in their work, “Y/n? What are you doing here?” 

“Tendou told me you were leaving. I didn’t believe him at first, didn’t want to. I couldn’t accept that you’d do something so drastic and not even say anything to me.” You explained, swallowing, “But now it’s clear as day that he was right. Which just begs the question, why didn’t you tell me?” 

“Y/n-”

“I don’t want excuses or apologies.” You let out a wry laugh, “I really don’t. I just wanna know what I did to make you not tell me about something like this.” 

He sighed, brows furrowing, “I didn’t think you needed to know beforehand. I was going to tell you once I’d gotten there.” 

“You didn’t- what? So you were just going to leave without letting me say goodbye? Am I that unimportant?” 

“You’re not unimportant, y/n. But volleyball takes precedence.” 

That stung. It really did. Even though you’d already known that was the case, hearing it in person from the person you loved was a whole other story. You felt like you were crumbling. All the things you’d thought you’d known about your life taken from you, for the second time. 

You were holding back tears now, but you wouldn’t let them fall. You wouldn’t allow yourself to cry in front of him. 

“Wakatoshi, what happened to ‘honesty and communication are important in a relationship’? Did you just forget about that? Or does it not apply to us anymore?” Your voice was bitter, despite not wanting to fight with him right now. Your mind had a different idea, it seemed. 

“Don’t use my words against me. This is an entirely different thing. You knew I was going to play volleyball professionally, so why are you acting like this?” He asked, getting to his feet and turning to face you. 

“It’s not the fact that you’re gonna play volleyball that I’m upset over!” You exclaimed, before pausing and taking a breath. You didn’t want to yell, “It’s the fact that you were going to leave without so much as a word about it to me.” 

“If I’d told you, would you have not been upset?” He asked, and when you couldn’t respond, he continued, “I didn’t tell you to avoid exactly what’s happening right now.” 

“That’s not how it works. You can’t just keep things from your significant other like this. You have to take their feelings and opinions into consideration.” You told him, trying to show in your eyes how hurt you were over this, “Don’t you care about me?” 

He met your gaze, face expressionless, and spoke in an even voice, “Not as much as you think I do.” 

Time froze. Everything fell silent until all you could hear was the blood rushing in your ears. Your breath caught in your throat, body too shocked to let it get to your lungs. Your hands were shaking, but you couldn’t move them. It was as if you’d been placed in ice, unable to move. It would slowly eat at you, freezing you down to your bones, until your body gave out. 

The moment passed, and your breathing began again as the world continued moving. You clenched your fists, eyes falling on the floor in front of you. You couldn’t look at him right now. You didn’t know what you’d do if you did. It was safer this way, for both of you. 

_ Not as much as you think I do _ . 

The words echoed in your head, the pain growing in your heart every time it repeated. You could barely comprehend anything other than the ache in your chest. 

“Well.” You smiled a sad, dull smile, looking up at him. Internally, you were amazed you could even speak right now, “I guess you won’t have to worry about pretending to care anymore, so congrats. We’re done.” 

He blinked, surprise in his features, “Y/n-”

“Goodbye, Wakatoshi. Good luck in your volleyball career.” 

You were down the stairs and at the front door before you even registered that you’d moved. You desperately wanted to cry, but you held it back. Not until you were alone. You wouldn’t break down in front of anyone. You’d already done that enough. 

“Y/n?” You heard Tendou call from behind you, probably from the living room. You turned to look at him, hand on the doorknob. The second he saw the look on your face, he knew. You could tell that he knew. It was written all over his expression. He moved to get up, but you shook your head. 

“I’m going home. I’ve got some things to do. Sorry, Tendou, we’ll have to postpone our lunch.” You smiled, but anyone with eyes could tell that it was extremely fake. You turned to Wakatoshi’s father, who was watching you with a worried look, “Thank you for allowing me into your home, I apologize for showing up out of nowhere. Goodbye.” 

You left then, shutting the door behind you. The slamming noise it made sounded like all the hopes in your life turning to dust. 

Beginning your trek down the sidewalk, slightly limping like always, you lowered your head and took a shaky breath. You hurt. God, you hurt so bad that every step was a struggle. You felt like there were shards of glass piercing your heart- big enough to cause damage, but too small to be able to remove. You wondered if they’d be there forever. As a memento of what you’d lost. 

Would there ever be a point in your life again where you didn’t lose everything? 

You’d let yourself get hopeful. You allowed yourself to get comfortable in your happiness, and stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop. Now, you were paying the price for it. Once again, you paid with pain and loss. It was almost normal at this point. 

There was no stopping you from falling for him. From the second you became friends, it was inevitable that your heart would wear his name like a badge. You’d been ready for that. But then, he’d told you that he felt the same. He said things to you that made you feel like the only girl in the world. He held you in a way that made you breathless. 

You were happy, and you thought it would last forever. How naive. You couldn’t believe you’d been that stupid. Weren’t you spending the majority of your relationship telling yourself that he was too good for you? Reminding yourself that he deserved better, and one day he’d leave in search of exactly that? Hadn’t you told yourself that dozens of times? 

So, why were you so surprised when he did what you thought he would? Why did it hurt so bad to know he didn’t love you? 

After all, isn’t this how you knew it would end? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so sorry. please don't kill me. i understand if you have the urge, but please refrain. if it helps, remember that if I die then the story wont be finished. and it WILL have a happy ending, just a reminder. but clearly it's a bumpy ride to happily ever after. hang in there, you guys. 
> 
> as I've said before, next chapter will be the timeskip. there will be manga spoilers so if you don't want to get spoiled i'd say stop reading to save yourself. though i think the spoilers are common knowledge at this point lmao. it's just their careers after the timeskip in the manga, so nothing serious. 
> 
> ANOTHER THING, when this story is done, do you guys have any suggestions on who to do next? i love writing fics, so I'm more than happy to start another one after this. that being said, though, we've still got a few chapters left in this one so that might not happen for awhile. but i thought i'd still ask for your thoughts. 
> 
> anyways, i love you all. thank you for reading and supporting my story! it's so crazy to me to see people loving my story. you all keep me motivated to finish it :). once again, I'm sorry for the angst. it'll get better. so I'll see you next week! have a good day :)

**Author's Note:**

> thank you guys so much for reading! i hope you enjoyed the first chapter of this, and please feel free to stick around for more. i promise i'll do my best to update asap!!
> 
> i know there wasn't much ushijima in this chapter, and i'm sorry, but i promise that will not always be the case. this is just the intro stuff, so i have to get it out of the way before we can get to the good stuff!
> 
> anyways, what'd you think? did you like it? we'd all die for bokuto and tendou, right?? or is that just me???
> 
> like i said, this won't be the most canon-compliant, like them all being friends and having a group chat. does it go with the show? no. did i put it in anyways because i love them all and need this? yes. deal with it.
> 
> that's all for now! i hope you enjoyed!! have a good day! i'll see you in the next chapter :)
> 
> xoxo


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